What a freaky feeling! It has been ages since I was on the DB, since November I think, and it all looks so different. I am also getting used to my new Mac, so that's a bit of an odd feeling as well.

I first want to apologize to anyone who feels I just abandoned ship. I didn't mean it to work out that way. As those of you who know me will remember, I fell ill last summer. Contrary to my expectations that didn't resolve itself as I hoped, and by the fall I really was in bad shape. I was not able to return to the university to teach, and for the most part I was housebound with asthma and related problems. I just didn't have the energy to do anything at all, other than veg out in front of the TV and do some reading.

I also have to admit that after a time I felt like I was no longer in tune with the site. I don't mean that by way of criticism. It was just that I had been away so long I began to doubt whether I still had anything to say. My own recovery has been going very well, I am pleased to say, and in fact my T advises me that by this summer she doubts she will be able to help me any longer. That's a strange feeling - feeling so needy, confused and uncertain for so long, and then having your T say you have gone about as far as therapy can take you.

I could feel that in a way. I noticed that I no longer awoke in the morning with my head full of abuse issues. The flashbacks stopped. I didn't fear being touched anymore, and I didn't go to red alert when I was alone in a room with another man. I didn't feel like I was venturing into a terrible wilderness when I left my house of the T's office. And even better, I discovered that I could talk openly about things. I don't hide the fact that I am a survivor, and I feel not the slightest shame about what was done to me as a boy. I am happy to talk to others about CSA and have done so on several occasions.

There comes a point in your recovery where you look at yourself and realize you are a good person, really, and that you have a lot to live for and can do so much more than you previously thought would ever be possible. It's not a "king of the world" feeling, but, well, pretty close!!! You see that your life was never the garbage dump you thought it was, and that, basically, your future hold possibilities limited only by your dreams.

So the question is what next? I think I hesitated to come back to MS until I was sure what I could do, say, offer, whatever. I had a few false starts last winter, and I didn't want that to happen again.

In dealing with that question I thought back to my first days here in May 2005. That feels like an eternity ago! I was a wreck in every way, and I remember how difficult it was to open my mouth and say anything. I thought I would never be believed, and if I was, that would be worse! It astonished me when the guys here just accepted me, listened, and encouraged me with their kindness and support. Without that I doubt I would ever have been able to move on to other things.

I won't say I am recovered - I'm not sure I know what recovery is for me, actually. But I don't fear my future, I like who I am, and I have dreams, joys and plans that I work towards without the memory of the CSA bothering me. I think it will always hurt to remember what was done to that 10-year-old I was in 1959, but I appreciate the courage of that kid in surviving 5 years of terror and I love him for getting us through.

So here I am again! To do what, well, let's see. I know I won't be able to post like I used to, at least not at first. I also hear that my PM box contains every PM I ever received! I laugh at the idea of clearing that up. Back last year we used to joke about me needing a streetsweeper for my PMs, and whoever has the keys, please return them!

All I can say right now is that I hope to be back as an active member of the MS community. I'll ease into things, as I have a lot to get used to again.

I see so many new people here, so maybe I can end with a word to you. It CAN happen, guys! You can get past the way you feel now and reclaim your life. It's difficult, but let me tell you, it's worth it. It's important to keep talking though. Just let it out, you are safe here. Recovery takes time, but so many of the things you are now convinced you can NEVER do will just happen as you make progress.

Maybe the message you need to hear is just this: no evil can ever overcome us, so long as we retain our will to press on.

Much love,
Larry

Screw the rules - Welcome back Larry! I just mentioned you in a post last night. I'm glad you're feeling better, that's way more important than my own selfish desire to have you back

ROCK ON........Trish

Hey Larry,

Welcome back, Buddy. Whether it's a drive by shooting or a gradual return, it's good to see you here and to know that you're doing well.

I like that last line,

"no evil can ever overcome us, so long as we retain our will to press on."

I've found that to be so true. There've been issues I ran from and they nearly drowned me in the end, and were much harder to deal with at a later time than they would have been at the first dawning of realization. On the other hand, I've found that when I begin dealing with the issue in whatever way I'm capable of when it first arises, the process is not nearly as difficult even tho it takes time.

Lots of love,

John

Welcome back Larry. Take care of yourself and do what you can.

We were wondering if your record of posts was in danger of falling to someone else, but we can rest easy now.

Ken

Larry,
It is sooo good to see you back. You were one of the pillars of this community who welcomed me a year ago. These boards have changed radically in the last few months - which is what they are supposed to do. But it is really nice to have you back in the saddle. We missed you.
Paul

Welcome back, Larry!

Missed you Larry, remember me?



I'm not there, not even close. In fact, I've made no progress whatsover. Ok, MAYBE SOME, but not much at all.

LARRY!!!!

So glad to hear you're doing well now!! And I love your summation of your great, hard-won progress and that you will not need a T much longer..... And don't you dare ever think you could ever have nothing important left to say to us.

Remember me? Well, update real quick here: Husband is finally going to a T, about 3x/wk, he's geen going since I threatened divorce right after Christmas. We see the same T separately, she's very exp. in male csa.....he has yet to deal really w/ his abuse, but just issues of our marriage (which all relate to his csa) and the T is smart in taking it very slow and gentle and not pushing too much. She is confident, she has made mention of his abuse to him a time or two, and he did not deny it, so that's at least good. So I have overall high hopes we're going to make it after all.

No need to reply - just so happy you're back to visit w/.

Larry who?

Welcome back dude. We've even slapped a fresh coat of paint on the place for you!

Scott

pls delete, duplicate

Hauser, Brokenhearted,

Yes, of course I remember you! We had so many discussions and traded a lot of ideas, fears and hopes - I'm glad to see you still here.

Much love,
Larry

Hi Larry!

I'm glad you're back. I've missed talking with you.

Larry,

Welcome back! We missed you!

Brian

Hi Larry,

welcome back, dont burn yourself out,

ste

Nice to meet you man, looking forwards to the hummous already.

Regarding your participation on MS, just do what you can, nothing more. Take care of your health first and foremost.

Regards

Duncan

Larry!!!!! My friend, welcome back. I was just thinking about how much I missed your kind presence around this place. No matter if you're here for a little or a lot, you bring so much to SO many!!

I really am glad to see you and hope you're doing well.

Much love!!
tx_space

WB LARRY !!!!

I'm glad you're doing better, and also glad you back here. My first few postings were met with your support and compassion. You have touched a lot of folk here. Thanx !

WB

Frank

Hello Roadrunner,
I wasn't here back then (missed opportunity) but I after reading your current posts, I'm glad to have you back. We all can use advice, support, answers, and suggestions from those that have made progress down the path.

Thanks for your input,

GW

Welcome back, Larry! You're looking gorgeous as always.

Love you, man,

Welcome back Larry. It is been much to long time, and I am glad that your health is improve enough for you to feel good to return to here. You have been missed.

VN

I guess us gorgeous people know another gorgeous person when we see him, don't we Eddie? Now if we can just do something about Larry!

Larry,

It is good to see you my brother.

Take your time and post as you are able

Glad you are doing better

Larry My Old Friend!

WELCOME BACK!!!

I used to feel like my posts had not been answered 'till you answerd them and I had to kinda get along with no reply from one much loved roadrunner. Now here you are again! This is way too cool!

Love ya
Darrel

PS, you say that you are getting used to a new Mac. I also want to welcome you to the world of real computers!

i think i have the keys to the streetsweeper! i will leave them in your pm box for you :D. it's so cool to see you back.
-k

Hey Larry, Good to see you finally got a real computer!

What? Larry got a new computer? You mean he has finally given up on his abacus and tin cans with string?

Thanks everyone. I really missed you all, and I will just say being away so long shows how bad I got clobbered. MS always was a kind of family to me, and it's great to see so many familiar faces - and so many new people too. I'm glad you found this incredible resource.

I'm not up to date on things, of course, but I'll try to catch up. I have heard very sobering things about what I will find in my PM box, so I'm not even THINKING of going there for a bit yet.

Real computer? Yep. At last. My son launched an anti-Microsoft campaign awhile back and I was the last holdout.



You have no idea Eddie rofl!!!! My son says I am the only person he has ever seen trying to answer the TV remote.

Kurt!!! Bring the streetsweeper back please. Do you have your heavy equipment license yet?

Much love,
Larry

I just wandered past and saw Larry was back! Hi Larry, and all the other guys as well.

I've been reading regularly, but my password didn't work and tonight I thought "I must get a new password", so I did.

Dave

Hey Larry!!

So glad to see you back brother. Missed you heaps from down under! And yes, there have been a few threats to your postings record. Glad you’ll be able to rectify that with your insight, wisdom and best of all, your friendship.

Hey? Any spare Macs you can send me? I have a company owned PC that they force me to use. Oh for a real computer as John (WalkingSouth) said.

Larry, I think you’ve also chipped in on some recent posts of mine, but I’ve been away for a couple of days and haven’t looked at those yet. I saw your name on a post on the home page to MS and dived right in to see what you were up to. Thanks in advance for any input you may have given. It’s always appreciated, as all input from all of you guys is always appreciated.

Isn’t it great to have old friends and new friends around? Our group just got better this week!

When I recently came back here after a long time, I did think of you, and another person Aden, who seem to have slipped away.. So, welcome back, enjoy your present stay, a brief outing always does us a lot of good.



Love and Light
MS

MS,

Yes, I remember us talking just as you were about to leave. It's good to be back, I must say, and it's great to see you back as well. My hiatus wasn't site-related, but I am noticing that I feel so much more at peace now than I did when I fell ill.

I must do some thinking about that, and I am sure you will have a comment for me on that one.

Much love,
Larry

Hi, Larry,

It is good to see you again.

You have always supported me.

I hope you recovered well from illness.

Welcome!

Alexey

Alexey,

Yes I remember you very well. I hope you are doing okay these days and yes, I am recovering slowly but surely. It's good to be back!

Much love,
Larry

Hey,
Glad your back!