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#147181 - 03/27/07 07:13 AM back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
What a freaky feeling! It has been ages since I was on the DB, since November I think, and it all looks so different. I am also getting used to my new Mac, so that's a bit of an odd feeling as well.

I first want to apologize to anyone who feels I just abandoned ship. I didn't mean it to work out that way. As those of you who know me will remember, I fell ill last summer. Contrary to my expectations that didn't resolve itself as I hoped, and by the fall I really was in bad shape. I was not able to return to the university to teach, and for the most part I was housebound with asthma and related problems. I just didn't have the energy to do anything at all, other than veg out in front of the TV and do some reading.

I also have to admit that after a time I felt like I was no longer in tune with the site. I don't mean that by way of criticism. It was just that I had been away so long I began to doubt whether I still had anything to say. My own recovery has been going very well, I am pleased to say, and in fact my T advises me that by this summer she doubts she will be able to help me any longer. That's a strange feeling - feeling so needy, confused and uncertain for so long, and then having your T say you have gone about as far as therapy can take you.

I could feel that in a way. I noticed that I no longer awoke in the morning with my head full of abuse issues. The flashbacks stopped. I didn't fear being touched anymore, and I didn't go to red alert when I was alone in a room with another man. I didn't feel like I was venturing into a terrible wilderness when I left my house of the T's office. And even better, I discovered that I could talk openly about things. I don't hide the fact that I am a survivor, and I feel not the slightest shame about what was done to me as a boy. I am happy to talk to others about CSA and have done so on several occasions.

There comes a point in your recovery where you look at yourself and realize you are a good person, really, and that you have a lot to live for and can do so much more than you previously thought would ever be possible. It's not a "king of the world" feeling, but, well, pretty close!!! You see that your life was never the garbage dump you thought it was, and that, basically, your future hold possibilities limited only by your dreams.

So the question is what next? I think I hesitated to come back to MS until I was sure what I could do, say, offer, whatever. I had a few false starts last winter, and I didn't want that to happen again.

In dealing with that question I thought back to my first days here in May 2005. That feels like an eternity ago! I was a wreck in every way, and I remember how difficult it was to open my mouth and say anything. I thought I would never be believed, and if I was, that would be worse! It astonished me when the guys here just accepted me, listened, and encouraged me with their kindness and support. Without that I doubt I would ever have been able to move on to other things.

I won't say I am recovered - I'm not sure I know what recovery is for me, actually. But I don't fear my future, I like who I am, and I have dreams, joys and plans that I work towards without the memory of the CSA bothering me. I think it will always hurt to remember what was done to that 10-year-old I was in 1959, but I appreciate the courage of that kid in surviving 5 years of terror and I love him for getting us through.

So here I am again! To do what, well, let's see. I know I won't be able to post like I used to, at least not at first. I also hear that my PM box contains every PM I ever received! I laugh at the idea of clearing that up. Back last year we used to joke about me needing a streetsweeper for my PMs, and whoever has the keys, please return them!

All I can say right now is that I hope to be back as an active member of the MS community. I'll ease into things, as I have a lot to get used to again.

I see so many new people here, so maybe I can end with a word to you. It CAN happen, guys! You can get past the way you feel now and reclaim your life. It's difficult, but let me tell you, it's worth it. It's important to keep talking though. Just let it out, you are safe here. Recovery takes time, but so many of the things you are now convinced you can NEVER do will just happen as you make progress.

Maybe the message you need to hear is just this: no evil can ever overcome us, so long as we retain our will to press on.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147184 - 03/27/07 07:40 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: roadrunner]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Screw the rules - Welcome back Larry! I just mentioned you in a post last night. I'm glad you're feeling better, that's way more important than my own selfish desire to have you back

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#147191 - 03/27/07 08:46 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hey Larry,

Welcome back, Buddy. Whether it's a drive by shooting or a gradual return, it's good to see you here and to know that you're doing well.

I like that last line,

"no evil can ever overcome us, so long as we retain our will to press on."

I've found that to be so true. There've been issues I ran from and they nearly drowned me in the end, and were much harder to deal with at a later time than they would have been at the first dawning of realization. On the other hand, I've found that when I begin dealing with the issue in whatever way I'm capable of when it first arises, the process is not nearly as difficult even tho it takes time.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#147192 - 03/27/07 08:48 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Trish4850]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Welcome back Larry. Take care of yourself and do what you can.

We were wondering if your record of posts was in danger of falling to someone else, but we can rest easy now.

Ken


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#147215 - 03/27/07 10:23 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Larry,
It is sooo good to see you back. You were one of the pillars of this community who welcomed me a year ago. These boards have changed radically in the last few months - which is what they are supposed to do. But it is really nice to have you back in the saddle. We missed you.
Paul


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#147216 - 03/27/07 10:33 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11114
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome back, Larry!

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#147218 - 03/27/07 10:47 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States



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#147219 - 03/27/07 10:48 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Hauser]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Missed you Larry, remember me? \:\)

Originally Posted By: Hauser
There comes a point in your recovery where you look at yourself and realize you are a good person, really, and that you have a lot to live for and can do so much more than you previously thought would ever be possible. It's not a "king of the world" feeling, but, well, pretty close!!! You see that your life was never the garbage dump you thought it was, and that, basically, your future hold possibilities limited only by your dreams.


I'm not there, not even close. In fact, I've made no progress whatsover. Ok, MAYBE SOME, but not much at all.


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#147228 - 03/27/07 11:55 AM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Hauser]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
LARRY!!!!

So glad to hear you're doing well now!! And I love your summation of your great, hard-won progress and that you will not need a T much longer..... And don't you dare ever think you could ever have nothing important left to say to us.

Remember me? Well, update real quick here: Husband is finally going to a T, about 3x/wk, he's geen going since I threatened divorce right after Christmas. We see the same T separately, she's very exp. in male csa.....he has yet to deal really w/ his abuse, but just issues of our marriage (which all relate to his csa) and the T is smart in taking it very slow and gentle and not pushing too much. She is confident, she has made mention of his abuse to him a time or two, and he did not deny it, so that's at least good. So I have overall high hopes we're going to make it after all.

No need to reply - just so happy you're back to visit w/.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#147232 - 03/27/07 12:12 PM Re: back...I hope!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Brokenhearted]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Larry who?

Welcome back dude. We've even slapped a fresh coat of paint on the place for you!

Scott

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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