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#147118 - 03/26/07 06:23 PM Lonely karaoke
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hey everybody,

So last night I was out celebrating and hanging out with a large group of people. It was a neighborhood get together at a karaoke night organized in part by a girl who I dated for a brief time a little while back. (NOT by the way the same person I wrote the letter I just posted to) At first I started freaking out for a couple of reasons, my social phobias started kicking in as I realized that I was around a bunch of people that I didn't know but wanted to like me. Then that got reinforced by the whole karaoke scene, as I watched people get up and sing, badly I was wincing in pain and getting more and more uncomfortable. I couldn't figure out what that was about at first, but after I stopped trying to fight it and just accepted that I didn't like the scene I figured out something. It wasn't just that I was embarrassed or annoyed by the inebriated warbling. What bothered me that everyone else around me was plainly having a good time, and I wasn't. As a matter of fact I became totally aware of the fact that I couldn't relax and simply let go of my own self-consciousness and be happy and carefree like everyone else around me seemed to be. I started feeling angry at myself, and then angry at everyone else because they couldn't help me, had no way to understand what I was going through, and wouldn't know how to make me feel better even if they did.

The whole thing got overwhelming, but I was resolved to not run away from this. I'm not running away from my pain anymore, damnit. And besides, the girl who invited me is a good friend, she is still attracted to me, I'm still attracted to her, and she was wearing her best dress which I didn't want to take my eyes off. So I did what any other blue-blooded survivor does in these situations I started drinking more. Eventually my awkward discomfort transformed as if by magic into sarcastic, flirtatious, audacity, and I eventually had a group of people eating up every one of my comments about the performances.

As the night wore on, two things became clear. One, I loved being the center of attention, when I could control my surroundings. And two, the cute but conservative blond who just get her PhD was taking a shining to me, but I really wasn't that intrigued by her. Not that she was unattractive or anything, but there wasn't the spark there, and, to be blunt, she would have had a hard time beating out the dress of my aformentioned friend.

I should have been on cloud nine by this point, but I couldn't enjoy it. The whole time I was keenly aware of one thing. I'm not ready for this yet. As lonely as I am, as badly I want to be on the other side of that inner wasteland, as much as I want someone to hold me and was all this fucking pain away -- I can't do it. At the end of the evening I walked with my friend (of the great dress) back to her apartment, and we talked for a little bit. I confessed my struggles and my desire, she told me she's trying to date, but not having much luck. I knew in that moment exactly why I can't be involved with anyone romantically right now. I can't put this burden on anyone else.

It's clear that we're both still recovering from our separate wounds and we're not ready for the intimacy we both crave. We kissed briefly, wonderfully, just because we could and we wanted too. But we stopped before going too far and I went home feeling more angry and lonely than ever. But at the same time more sure that I'm doing the right thing, as fucking painful and sucky as it is.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#147120 - 03/26/07 06:52 PM Re: Lonely karaoke [Re: tartugas]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
The right thing can hurt, for sure. But you mentioned the blonde...why not try some casual dating?

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#147138 - 03/26/07 08:49 PM Re: Lonely karaoke [Re: Nobbynobs]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Oh, the magic of liquid courage. How normal it made me feel, and how long it delayed my recovery.


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#147146 - 03/26/07 09:42 PM Re: Lonely karaoke [Re: Rambler]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Nobs,

Unfortunately, dating - casual or otherwise - is not a possibilty for me right now. There's a couple of reasons...

1. I simply do not know how to "casually" date. It automatically turns into a "relationship" and gets very messy and very complciated very quickly. It's too easy for me to get lured into one of those oases I mentioned in my other post. I've heard it said that we always are attracted to and attract people on our exact same level of unhealthiness (or healthiness, depending on how you want to look at it), and if that's true, then I'm defiitely not going to be roping anyone who's in any condition to think about building a life together.

2. Sex is a huge issue for me, as I'm sure it is for many of us. But specifically the physical and emotional intimacy that sex entail bring waaay too many emotions up to the surface that can't be healthily processed in a bedroom. This is a realy problem of course, because I am in all other respects a hale and healthy, not unnatractive young(ush) man. But I've gotten too screwed up by screwing too many times in the past year to be willing to risk the pain in a dangerous enviornment, no matter how much "liquid courage" I've got running though me.

3. It's too soon after my divorce for me to even consider casually dating. The papers were signed right after Christmas last year, and I've made vow to myself not to start dating until a year after.

Sigh... well at least I've got my cat.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#147161 - 03/26/07 10:47 PM Re: Lonely karaoke [Re: tartugas]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
May be God is fun loving guy after all, otherwise why would we have things like karaoke singing; they are all signs of his funny bone.

So, next time you go out here, get up and start singing Badly, and see how even that gets cheers out there. It is life, and not American idol. Only our votes count here.

And when we become our own cheerleader, who can stop us from singing the song, life so wants us to sing. It can only give us the settings, it we who have to grab the mic and sing to its tunes.

No one can 'sing' badly on a karaoke night, and in life.


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#147456 - 03/28/07 02:49 PM Re: Lonely karaoke [Re: Morning Star]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

The important thing is that you were able to take an honest look at the situation, resist the need to prove something, and then do what was best for you at that moment. That's a skill many guys - survivors or otherwise - just don't have.

Cool comment about the cat! But in time, when you are ready, the rest will come as well.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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