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#146281 - 03/20/07 05:27 PM A Question For Survivors
junecarter Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 5
I'm wondering if I could get some opinions and stories from survivors who have had children. How did having a child affect you and your recovery process? What were some of the things that went through your mind during the pregnancy and the first few months of the child's life? My becomming pregnant was the reason that my boyfriend finally decided it was time to let his secret out and look for help (and I thank God that he did) but it seems at times that having our son is a help as well as a hinderance to his recovery. Anyone have any input? Thanks in advance!


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#146283 - 03/20/07 05:45 PM Re: A Question For Survivors [Re: junecarter]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
JC,
I was not in recovery when I had my son, so I can't directly answer your question. What I will tell you is that I was hyper vigilant about anyone around my son. I searched for signs in anyone in a position of authority over him. His coaches, and later (after his mother and I divorced and she got remarried) his older step-brother and step-dad. His mother was aware of my abuse, so she was also looking for signs.

Knowing that abuse is often not the act of a stranger makes you wary about the people around your kids.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#146295 - 03/20/07 07:53 PM Re: A Question For Survivors [Re: GWsurvives]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Does a survivor become hypervigilant about his own children moreso after seeing how damaging his own abuse was? My husband doesn't seem hypervigilant at all, and he knows he was abused, though he has not yet begun to explore just how damaging it was to his life.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#146298 - 03/20/07 08:19 PM Re: A Question For Survivors [Re: Brokenhearted]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Dear BH,

I can't answer that. I didn't know it was my abuse that was causing problems in my life. I just knew that I didn't want my child abused. AND... it was not just my child. I seemed to watch over any child I had any contact with. My step-son had some anger issues. When I tried to figure out what was causing them, I caused a huge rift netween y wife and I. (turns out he was angry at his Mother for divorcing his Dad).

I'm not sure if that is common or not. Just my expierence.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#146299 - 03/20/07 08:50 PM Re: A Question For Survivors [Re: GWsurvives]
junecarter Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 5
My boyfriend and I are both hypervigilant because we realize how often this type of thing happens. You really can't let them out of your sight. \:\(


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#146307 - 03/20/07 09:54 PM Re: A Question For Survivors [Re: junecarter]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
JC,

I was not in recovery when we had our only child. She was 20 years old when my recovery began. I will say tho that if anything having a child was a major plus in helping me (even tho I had no real understanding of the issues) to work through some of the things from my childhood. I think it would have had even greater effect had our child been a boy.

In answer to BH, I feel that had I begun recovery when my daughter was small or before she was born, I'd probably have been quite vigilant, perhaps hyper vigilant, hard to tell at this point.

I do know that when I see a child on the street or in any other situation, I have this urge to make sure they are OK and nothing bad is happening to them.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#146349 - 03/21/07 06:27 AM Re: A Question For Survivors [Re: WalkingSouth]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
My bf has never been hypervigilant either BH. Though it seems I have been and still am. I have to say, i have found my bf's general lack of concern over these issues to be very confusing. His lack of input i feel leaves me alone in all of it and i don't understand at all.


Other than that, it seems that mostly, having kids is a good thing for my bf right now. They bring light and joy into his life and possibly also help him to remember the real vulnerability of children and relate that back to himself. Sometimes though, i do think having two very young kids also puts a huge strain on everything. Going through therapy/recovery and still having energy left for them can be the most difficult thing. Also, where feelings of rage/anger are both repressed, then beginning to surface, it can really take enormous self control and self-awareness not to 'snap' at them unfairly.....


peace
Beccy


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