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#146234 - 03/20/07 01:14 PM Homosexuality related to CSA
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
If put on the spot i'd have to chose the word Bisexual for myself. But what i'd often wondered is if same sex childhood sexual abuse was related to or even a cause to some individuals turning out homosexual, bisexual. I realize its a sexual orientation which we cannot pick or chose and people are born this way. But would a percentage be influenced by same sex CSA.

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#146236 - 03/20/07 01:42 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
I've asked myself this a lot. My gut feeling is that your basic sexual orientation is probably fixed very early on, and is partly, if not mostly, genetic.

But CSA may have a lot to do with other ways our sexuality develops--how we handle intimacy with anyone, for example, or how we feel about our experiences. We may replay abusive sitations, or go overboard in avoiding them.


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#146237 - 03/20/07 01:47 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I've wondered the same thing.

But I don't think there's any definitive answer.

I'm gay, 98% of my feelings/desire/interests are for men. Perp#1 in my life was female, perp#2 was male. Do we "turn out" gay, straight, bi, or is it defined from the start? Experts don't agree. And how do you define homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual? Is it what you desire/feel/think about? Is it what you do? Who you have sexual relations with?

Some people suffer same gender CSA and go on to be straight adults. Some experience opposite gender CSA and go on to be a gay adult. What are the percentages, who knows?

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
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#146264 - 03/20/07 03:50 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Galapogos]
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
I have to agree with Galapogos on that one. My perps were male, but no i don't think that made me gay. i was attracted to guys when i was in high school, but dated girls until 24. i just found my truth for myself. it took a lot of time for me to adjust to my truth, but some folks just know. I hope this helps a little.

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#146271 - 03/20/07 04:22 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: dean1320]
jamie' Offline
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Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
Well its more of a discussion question and not somethig i need to know for me, but i'd like to nonetheless. I'm on the fence with the sexuality and also had both male and one female abusers. It also started in the toddler years so i wouldnt have any idea for myself.

But i'd think all human beings are a percentage of both orinentations whether they believe it or not. I'm just curious and somewhat convinced in the idea that homosexual abuse would have an impact on your sexuality in later life. Though nothing has been proven either way.



Edited by jamie' (03/20/07 04:23 PM)
_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#146296 - 03/20/07 07:59 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
to be sexual or not to be sexual is a choice,that was robbed from us..I believe all humans have feelings and some of those feelings are someones elses beLIEves,like the person that abducted me and raped me...its not about sex its all about power

When men do not know what is to be a man and woman do not know what is to be a woman then that is good ground for all types of abuse...

Julian

_________________________
Come heal with me

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#146326 - 03/20/07 11:36 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: dean1320]
TNuss Offline
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Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Finding the truth for myself is very difficult. I could be and have been with men, and I'm in my second marriage. Regretibly, I have been with to many people, male and female. There was a time that I was so scared of my attractration to men I would have sex with any woman, any where, any time.

I fear the truth of my sexuality because I'm afraid of lossing my daughters. I fear how they would look at me as their father. Would they still love me???

I often wonder if I could live openly gay???

_________________________
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________________________________________________________
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#146368 - 03/21/07 11:12 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: TNuss]
Dewey2k Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I believe sexuality is mostly genetic and it is passed on the X chromosome, because homosexuality seems to be passed down on the mother's side of the family. For example, on my mom's side there are two gay people, two bisexual people, a transexual, and my sister and I are both gay. On my dad's side there is no homosexuality that I know about.

Also, I can look back at my early childhood before the abuse and remember feelings that pointed toward me being gay as early as age 8. Those feelings were turned off by the abuse.


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#146379 - 03/21/07 12:00 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Dewey2k]
jamie' Offline
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Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
My father (who's extremely Anti-gay, as a joke i said i was gay when i was 14 and he slapped me, lol). Has a gay brother. My mother has no homosexual relatives (that she knows of), she herself has no issues with homosexuality, but itnt for that for herself. So i wouldnt know where it would come from.

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#147119 - 03/26/07 06:39 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Hi Jamie,

Thank you for posting. You may be glad to know that childhood sexual abuse does not change a person's sexual orientation. There is almost universal agreement among doctors and scientists on this point. Of course, if a boy was abused by a man, it may lead to a degree of confussion, regardless of his true sexual orientation. In addition, we live in a very homophobic world and there is a tendency to seek a cause/effect for same-gender attraction.

Hope this helps!
Russ


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#147124 - 03/26/07 07:39 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11150
Loc: Denver, CO
"there is a tendency to seek a cause/effect for same-gender attraction."

You say this as if it's an undesirable thing. What about the Simon LeVay study?

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List of things ain't nobody got time for:

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#147628 - 03/29/07 02:00 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
Redsongbird Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
I was hoping to come here and find something about this subject. I have been dealing with the idea of am I gay or not. I actually think I am but having a hard time accepting it. I am getting divorced from my second marriage....there were sexual difficulties in both. My Therapist says that I am NOT gay but I am confused because of my sexual abuse that occured. From the age of 5 till quite a few years. He was so strong in his answer that he told me I was wrong and if I chose to live as a gay man it would be the wrong decision. Even if I were gay I could not "come out" because I am from a highly religious family....I speaking we wer all groomed to be in the ministry. So there would be no understanding of such a lifestyle. I would be told to leave I am sure of it. At this time I am back in college and if I had to leave I would have no place to go. So, you see being gay has a HUGE effect on my life. I don't understand though why I would be attracted to men when it is men who have sexually abused me...I am 45 now when I was 40 I was sexually assualted at gun point. SO the very thing I was tormented over is something I am attracted to? Of course a partner would be more loving and not violent. The therapist say NO your not. (he is a christian therapyist) another T said I can not deny these emotions and desire and feelings it will destroy me if I do. I have been having headaches since last year. At one point the doctor said I might need to deal with the idea of if I am gay or not. Now I do not come across as femine (at least I don't think I do) but his point was valid I think. If being gay is there at birth then how could anyone fight against what they were meant to be? This whole thing is confusing.


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#147646 - 03/29/07 05:35 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Redsongbird]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Confusion over sexuality is quite common, and being from an area and family where being gay is... well... frowned upon to say the least, makes it even more so.

Your sexuality has not been determined by the abuse you suffered. It is something innate within you. Unfortunately, no one but you can determine if you are gay, bisexual, or straight. However, in my opinion, a T without an agenda regarding sexuality would certainly be in your best interest right now. You need an objective voice as your counselor, not one colored by personal beliefs.

As far as being gay at birth, it is my belief that a combination of genetics and pre-natal hormone levels play the largest part in determining sexuality, with "nurture" coming up a distant third. Some people can fight against it, but the vast majority either can't or don't, which is why "reparative therapy" is unsuccessful over time.

My advice, for what it's worth, is go to a secular therapist and work through this issue with them, and to be gentle with yourself, giving yourself the time you need to walk through everything. There is no magic pill or over-night cure for this.

Take care of yourself.


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#147745 - 03/30/07 02:20 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Dewey2k]
hayden Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 7
How does knowing that you abuser is gay effect your sexual identity? Or does it matter about the true sexuality of the person who abused you?


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#147756 - 03/30/07 06:38 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: hayden]
cbfull Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I personally think it matters. I am really bothered by the fact that my abuser was (is) heterosexual. For me it adds another level of "despicable-ness" to the act.

During a post I was making a day or two ago I came to the realization that I tend to be very anxious in one-on-one situations with straight men, and most of the time I am afraid that they will come on to me. Sometimes I also fear this from other gay men, but it's mostly straight men. Now add to that the anxiety of also being attracted to the straight man, and you have my current situation with my coworker. I am especially anxious because I know that if this attractive straight man were to come on to me, there is a chance I could get caught up in the moment and not resist, and that would devastate me AND my commited, healthy relationship with a man I love and trust more than I thought I could. (but enought about that, this is not my thread!)

If it were a gay man who abused me, I would like to believe that I would probably confront him and eventually forgive him, but that is just speculation. I have no way of knowing how I would feel about it, or for that matter, how I would feel about other gay men if that were that case.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#147798 - 03/30/07 11:24 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: cbfull]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I'd just like to add a few points to the discussion, which I am finding really interesting:

1. The majority of abusers who molest boys are themselves heterosexual, or consider themselves to be heterosexual.

2. The pros tell us that sexual abuse is about primarily about power, not sex. If an abuser wants sex there are plenty of ways to get it that are safer than molesting kids. What turns the abuser on is the totality of his control of the situation.

3. Homosexuality and CSA may involve the same sexual acts, but in reality they are very different. Homosexual sex is something shared between two guys who give informed consent to what they are doing, while CSA is a crime commited by one person who is more powerful than the other, who is a victim unable to give his consent. Gay men share themselves with each other in a sexual way as and when they wish; in CSA the abuser calls the shots and manipulates the child with inducements, confusion, tricks and threats. A gay man can walk out of a relationship any time, but an abused kid can be molested for years, even though he fears, dislikes and is shamed by what is happening, because he thinks he has no choice or fears exposure, abandonment or the withdrawal of the abuser's attention.

I think the primary reason we ponder this question is that abuse has a nasty way of confusing our sense of sexuality and sexual boundaries. But doesn't that speak to the impact of the abuse itself, rather than the sexuality of the abuser?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147809 - 03/30/07 12:15 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: roadrunner]
hayden Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 7
What I am questioning is how the sexuality of the abuser impacts the victim. Many of us have sexual identity issues as a result of our abuse, and none of our abuse looks identical. roadrunner correctly says: the majority of abusers are heterosexual, so there are less of us who were violated by homosexuals. Do those sexual identity issues look different for those abused by gay abusers?
Comments like cbfull's "I am really bothered by the fact that my abuser was (is) heterosexual." seem to show that the sexuality of the abuser does effect our processes.
I have not found anything in the books differentiating whether the sexuality of the abuser factors into how the victim deals with, cognates, manages, and processes the abuse.
I don't have any answers or theories on this. Yet. I'm just wanting to know you all think.


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#147832 - 03/30/07 03:32 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: hayden]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I think that the sexuality of the abuser only affects the survivor insofar as he is concerned about the perps sexuality and what it may mean for his development. In other words, if the survivor isn't worried about it, then it doesn't matter. However, for those who are concerned:

A boy molested by a straight man may be concerned that the abuse makes him gay, and wonder how to reconcile what being straight means with a straight man abusing him.

A boy molested by a gay man may think that he will turn out gay because his abuser was, and since the abuser was gay--and molested him--he will turn out gay and an abuser as well.

For myself, I never really thought about this before. I guess I have a good idea of where I sit on the spectrum, so it's a moot point for me.


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#148568 - 04/03/07 10:25 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
grayson Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/16/06
Posts: 19
Loc: central new york
russ, u said."In addition, we live in a very homophobic world and there is a tendency to seek a cause/effect for same-gender attraction." can u explain this more?

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#148601 - 04/03/07 12:39 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: grayson]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Well, he hasn't chimed in yet, but I took him to mean that we are taught by society (mostly peers and parents) that homosexuality is a very specific and isolated "oddity". Some even treat it like a disorder or an illness. When you treat a very natural human function like same-sex intimacy like a defect or a disease, there is inspiration to find a cause-effect relationship. That's why studies to find the roots of homosexuality are typically controversial.

Those of us who feel truly passionate and inspired by male-male sexuality know that none of that can be true.

I hope that this is in line with the intent of your post, Russ.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#148605 - 04/03/07 12:56 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: cbfull]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
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Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
perps are not gay or straight they are just fucked up . i think there is a huge difference between having sex with a man and having sex with a boy. if perps fit into any de>
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#148628 - 04/03/07 03:22 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
You know what is SO cool about this topic and this entire site?? I have YET to see/hear ANY judging of sexual orientation!!!

No one even ASKS! It does not matter here!! That is SO cool!!!

Thank God for THAT!!!

No Judging!!!

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#148766 - 04/04/07 08:21 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Still]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Robbie, you hit the nail on the head. I have not once picked up on the slightest hint that "unconventional" sexuality is by any means questionable.

It seems that everyone here understands that words hurt us, and judging wounds us. Whether we identify (and I believe that is an accurate word, society pressures us to "identify") as same-sex sexuality, opposite-sex sexuality, or ANYTHING in between. It all counts, and it is all worth exploring and cherishing for whomever has the opportunity and the desire to experience it. If this weren't true, it wouldn't cause such a terrific stir!

If you guys haven't seen this yet, there is an eye-opening msnbc report here:
Gay animals out of the closet?

And a link to LiveScience.com which is on that msnbc page.

However, to get back on topic, if I were never abused, I believe that at some point I would have experimented with opposite-sex sexuality. The abuse sort of hijacked my freshly discovered same-sex sexuality and wrote a sort of self-executing program in my brain that took all my mental and sexual resources and focused them on unhealthy sexual desires. In this way it made it many times more difficult for me to see myself as masculine, confident and strong. "Why can't I experience pleasure with a woman?" That question shook the very core my being. I was terrified of it, and of what I thought it meant.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#148768 - 04/04/07 08:25 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
speaking only for myself, I know as surely as I know anything in this world that I was abused because I was gay; NOT gay because I was abused. Just my 2 cents worth, guys.

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#148784 - 04/04/07 10:08 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: george of kent]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I would have to agree with you george, I think my perp noticed my vulnerability and exploited it. I was having homosexual inclinations before he stepped into the picture.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#149807 - 04/09/07 07:05 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
J47 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 6
I ask myself that all the time! Being raped at 4 and used well into my teens by other males in my life, I wonder if I was taught and learned to be homosexual. Could I have been str8? Possibly, but does it matter now? I don't know because I have gotten to a place where I have accepted that I only find men attractive and sexually appealing. I only think about love with another man and women rarely if ever cross my mind as potential mates. The only drawback being a survivor of CSA is that I don't trust men. Its a catch 22!


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#149848 - 04/09/07 12:19 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: J47]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
J47,

I hope you can resolve this conflict in a way that allows you to be honest with yourself about who you are sexually and still feel you are sexually fulfilled. That's it. Be who you are and let others worry on their own about the labels.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#149892 - 04/09/07 06:30 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: roadrunner]
J47 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 6
Hi Rodarunner:

Not a day goes by that I wish I could do just that. However, I can't go back and therapy never did help me figure that part out. Its something I feel I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Thanks for caring,

J


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#151422 - 04/18/07 08:32 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN

Jamie
Quote:
I'm just curious and somewhat convinced in the idea that homosexual abuse would have an impact on your sexuality in later life.


I think being abused by a female at an young age could have an effect also on confusing one sexuality. I do believe that the abuse caused me to look in both directions when I was trying to discover my sexuality. Tom

_________________________
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#151435 - 04/18/07 10:11 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Muldoon]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Re: all of the above. Yeah, it was considered a mental illness, then deviant behavior, but it's the XY stuff that determines the preferance, real early on. And there are some who still believe in a flat earth. Larry is right, you are responsible to yourself, no one else.

Some therapists haven't a clue. One told me she knew all about the topic 'since 2 lived in her student dorm at UCLA.' [sic] OK. I still believe in the tooth fairy. I wonder when there's going to be a tube of Ben-straight on the shelves for those nervous about using Bengay?

froggy

_________________________
??

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#151440 - 04/18/07 10:35 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: froggy12]
jamie' Offline
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Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
That was a flyby for me froggy, didnt get your point. Though they found that in alot of homosexual men they have xxy chromosome (and added x which has to do with female thinking and processing patterns) not preferance.

Some people believe homosexuality is born in. Other believe your orientation developes in your formative years. They use to say it was unatural, now there saying it is natural. Hell in a few years they might say homosexuality is a result of eating mayonnaise. Nothing is definitive, alot of theories and opinions and nothing more. And that would i think hold true for this discussion aswell. Knowone can say that homosexuality cannot be, for lack of a better word suggested. Subconsciously ofcourse and well before puberty. I personally do think that my homosexual inclination is a result...atleast partly do to being abused by males. I think the fact i lead a heterosexual life is in part by the same suggestability. That THAT is the right way, or correct.



Edited by jamie' (04/18/07 10:37 AM)
_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#151445 - 04/18/07 10:55 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: froggy12]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Originally Posted By: froggy12
I wonder when there's going to be a tube of Ben-straight on the shelves for those nervous about using Bengay?

froggy


I'm nervous about using Bengay. ;\)

Don't even start me on Homo milk.

_________________________
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- Mel Brooks

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#151448 - 04/18/07 11:08 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Nobbynobs]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
HOMO MILK!

i freaked when i saw this on the shelf!!!
LOL

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#151449 - 04/18/07 11:08 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Bull milk? - um - no thanks.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#151489 - 04/18/07 02:20 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: markgreyblue]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
You gotta be kidding. There's such a thing as "Homo Milk" in the States?

Much wondering,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151674 - 04/19/07 08:31 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: roadrunner]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I haven't seen it myself, but I'm pretty sure "homo" is short for homogenized.

I can't wait to look for it now. I'm only going to buy homo milk from now on and tell my straight friends that if you drink it you'll find yourself suddenly enjoying musicals and crying during sad movies.

In light of the XXY chromosome remark, that is a very specific disorer called Kleinfelter's Syndrome, and is only related to a very small percentage of same-sex sexuality.

Let us not forget that sexuality is a very, very powerful driving force that does not include the necessity of conception, let alone reproduction. I think we are going to find that it only seems to include the need to give/receive pleasure, and with that comes a full spectrum of desires. Just my personal opinion.

markgreyblue,
Referring to your last post, I think I get your joke, and that's pretty gross. You usually have better judgement than that!

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#151676 - 04/19/07 08:38 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: cbfull]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
It's in Canada. Cbfull is right, it is short for homogenised.

There is a brand of milk here with "TASTES LIKE HOMO!" written across the front in big red letters. Apparently it's a great source of amusement for members of Toronto's gay community.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#151685 - 04/19/07 10:52 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Nobbynobs]
ChainBreaker Offline


Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
I am straight but have a gay brother and a lesbian sister. We were all sexually abused. While not homosexual, I am sexually compulsive. I also have two straight sisters who were not sexually abused and are not (as far as I know) sexually compulsive. From that, I could easily draw the conclusion that our abuse determined our sexuality.

That would be stupid. But it would also be stupid for me to deny that the abuse could have played a role. This has, in fact, so piqued my curiosity about sexual orientation that I have read a lot of original research on the subject and discussed sexuality with a lot of my gay friends. Again, I have only anecdotal information, but 90% of my gay male friends with whom I have discussed the subject have admitted to having been sexually abused as children. All but one have admitted to having had poor relationships with their fathers, even before revealing their sexual orientation. I emphasize that this is not a scientific study and, while it again piques my curiosity, it would be foolish to draw conclusions from these roughly 20 people with whom I have discussed this.

But is it not equally unwise to deny that our early sexualization plays an important role in our sexual orientation? To date, there is little evidence to suggest that genetics play a significant role in sexual orientation. Even Simon LeVay explicitly stated that his research did not prove that there was such a thing as a gay gene or that sexual orientation was predetermined.

If there is anything we do know about sexual orientation, it is that it is too complex to be explained by any single theory. In my opinion, the best research I've seen on the subject suggests that all sexual orientation, whether gay, straight, bi, celibate or fetishist, is a product of operant and classical conditioning throughout our lives and especially in our early years. After all the research and reading I've done, I've come to believe that sexuality, in all its forms, is a part of the human condition. I don't think that attraction to people of the same sex is either natural or shameful. It just is. It exists along with all the other forms of sexuality out there and ought not to be singled out for condemnation or normalized in the way that left-handedness is normal. I believe God created all of us, loves all of us, wants us to be happy, and does not condemn us for our conditioning.

I do not intend to come back with a lot of research to prove my point. All I want to do is get us all to step back from the defensiveness that exists around sexual orientation. We are who we are. Some of us will witness changes to our sexual orientation, but most of us won't. Either way, the important thing is that we get healed from our sexual abuse. For our homophobic society, the best thing we could do is stop worrying about why some people are gay and just accept them as they are. On this site, we all know what it feels like to be hurt and to carry secrets we find shameful. Exposing them to the light of day makes them feel less shameful. Talking to others who affirm our experience helps us to accept ourselves as we are. Self-acceptance, in my view, is crucial to our recovery.

_________________________
When I figure out who I am, I'll add a signature line.

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#151701 - 04/19/07 12:25 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: ChainBreaker]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Amen.

froggy

_________________________
??

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#151703 - 04/19/07 12:36 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: ChainBreaker]
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
Oh of course ChainBreaker. I made this topic just as an interesting discussion. Not to reach any conclusions as like you i dont believe there are any. We just are. And we all have, whether we want to believe i or not, a percentage of homosexuality.

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#153166 - 04/28/07 04:17 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
still5 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Rocky Mountains
I have had some issues with the whole nature of all of my sexuality I find myself almost wanting to be victimized. It feels sort of comfortable and sex regardless of if there is any love involved is someplace that I have always felt powerful. I am heterosexual yet I am drawn to public sex as a form of humiliation and the ease of how degrading it makes me feel afterwards to me this arena is not about homosexuality but about debasement and a confirmation of my low self esteem. I was sexually hardwired at an early age. This unfortunate crosswiring of the feelings of philios, eros,agape and power comes from the fact that my abuser was my older brother starting at about three or four. I love women but I am socially programmed for these gratification stratagies I can not speak for anybody else but, that is how it is for me.

_________________________
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

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#154384 - 05/04/07 02:53 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: still5]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Hi still5,

The desire to be victimized, humiliated, degraded, or debased stems from low self-esteem. We don't think we deserve anything better. If you have been conditioned or "hard-wired" to seek those things out, it will be very difficult for you to heal. You will need to break that conditioning to become healthy. That's the very reason for our being in recovery. I don't see how you will ever be happy if you continue seeking humiliation. We want to end our humiliation. I don't care whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. But I do care that you feel loved, celebrated, and cared for -- not degraded.

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#154931 - 05/07/07 09:42 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Chain Breaker]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I was reading something the other day that talked about how to find a healthier view of sex.

It mentioned exposing yourself to health pictures of sexuality. Where are these found? I don't have the answer, but I found that intriguing. It made me think...does porn or animalistic type sex beneficial to my view of sexuality? Our views have been tainted and warped by many sick individuals. However, I think there is a way to obtain a healthy sexuality. It takes time, but I'm tryign to find that route as well. There are the darker things of sexuality which are appealing to me as well - I've often wondered if thats a way I have tried to dominate myself sexually in a way of not being victimized again.

Just a thought.

- Nate

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#154932 - 05/07/07 09:44 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
additionally... i don't think my childhood abuse or adult rape has led to my bisexuality. I think it is natural to be curious about things or to question after going through such traumatic events.. but I don't think its made me bi in any way.

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#326779 - 03/31/10 12:20 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Nate]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
Joe Kort, in my opinion, is one of the masters when it comes to considering sexuality as related to abuse issues. He has a website i believe, you should google his name. If you ever get a chance to go to any of his workshops (i attended one at the MS conference) i highly recommend it. He also has books (the straight guise idea is the most interesting concept to me) on this topic.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#326894 - 03/31/10 11:17 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: king tut]
Wilson81 Offline


Registered: 03/04/10
Posts: 7
Loc: United States
Thanks for discussing this guys.


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#326945 - 04/01/10 10:06 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Wilson81]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't know from homosexualty but I do know abuse and finding comfort in the pain and humiliation.
This is how I view these sorts of "Pleasure from pain" stories;
What you describe brings to mind the label I was taught to use for things that I turned to but were not helpful to me, and that label is, familiarity. You are familiar with these feelings and that brings up the "pleasure" you found in the abuse.
I put quotes around pleasure because I don't believe it was pleasure, it was the least painful part of the abuse, the physical reaction of your body, which your mind dove into to protect itself while all that humiliation and degradation was happening to you. So from that dissociative state you observed the painful humiliation and degradation and the associated feelings while hiding in whatever physical/psychological pleasure your mind could find or create and the two became intertwined. The one always associated at some level with the other.

This is not a natural association. You can change it but that will take an act of will on your part and the help of people who know a lot more than I do on the subject.

That is my opinion on the matter of the pleasure/pain association.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#327045 - 04/02/10 12:21 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: kidneythis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
This has always been an extreme sore point for me.

I was in junior and senior high school in the 50's. Being gay was very much not accepted. I experienced rejection and persecution. I tried to hide "it" but the girls I dated must have sooner or later figured it out. ... hatred of self...

I tried to figure it out. I had no memories of abuse then because they were all tucked away safely out of my conscious reach. So I blamed my mother. I became very angry with her for inducing that in me. After all, she did have multiple personality disorder (which I didn't figure out for many years but I experienced the blunt end of it many times). She was most loving when I was in grade school, but as I approached puberty I think her hatred of adult males began to take hold. I was becoming an adult male. Then she sensed my anger and the sparks began to fly!!!!!

Then in my 40's I remembered the terrible abuse I experienced as a child. It all involved sexual behavior with other males of course. When the memories came up, so did a ton of homosexual emotion from those abusive encounters. It was overwhelming. Fortunately, as I shared everything no-holds-barred with counselors, the homosexual emotions began to fade. Then EMDR finally seemed to put much of it to rest.

Now I am 71 frown . I don't have sexual emotions for hardly anybody. But I find that I really innately enjoy the female body but only as a visual exercise. So there you go.

Allen

pufferfish whistle whistling for ???


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#327066 - 04/02/10 03:07 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Jamie,

this is very thought provoking discussion.

I want to share my thoughts about this issue.

I realized my abuse happened while I was in puberty, at the start, well I was bit of a late bloomer but during the general age range for puberty 9 - 14, somehwere in then my abuse occurred.

Now I can remember some of it vividly and I question myself to death and second myself if I was really abused, I hate this feeling of not being sure. Not knowing what really happened to me.

I hate that I still don't have any resolve with my sexuality.

Sometimes I think I might be afraid of my true feelings if I can ever discover them.

I want to shake an 8 ball and just try to have some answers and then move forward with my life, if it could be that easy, oh well.

Gotta keep moving forward, but for what, more confusion, pain and frustration.

Feelings like I'm not making resolve. It's carthartic to get this out, cause this broken record has been in my head for a while.

I really don't know if abuse can make a person realize, believe or think that they are a certain way because of what happened to them in the past with abuse.

Maybe it can, maybe it can't. Just don't know and I'm being fucking honest, I'm just sure.

Sometimes I have days where I wish I could be zapped like the guys in Men In Black and just forget it all, try and start over with a clean slate, but then would I have to relearn life again, maybe even more exhausting.

When I think back to puberty and I was developing, I remember thinking about guys during that process. Does it mean I'm gay, not the hell sure.

I don't know if it was a sick twisted sense of wanting to be like those guys cause I thought they were so cool or if I was genuinely attracted to them. Still not sure to this day.

I remember this one kid I went to school with, his name was Derek I use to fantasize I was him, I wanted to be him, he was an ass, cocky and just a major jerk. Don't know why I would want to be that, I'm none of those qualities thank god.

Boy does this abuse really fuck you up. Pardon my language. God I'm still not sure of much anymore these days, guys becoming cynical and I'm only 25, no good. Well thanks for letting me vent.

Charlie.


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#327095 - 04/02/10 10:53 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Charlie24]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
To be clear my previous post is meant to apply only to the perception that one enjoys pain or humiliation that is similar to the abuse, not homosexuality. It might apply i've never considered it but I did not intend it to.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331843 - 05/23/10 08:06 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: kidneythis]
arozork Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/23/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts, US
Hello Jamie,

For me, I think that my abuse made me bisexual. I always think that if the abuse didnt happen..would my life be different? I think it would have been. The abuse does mess up your head. I do find girls and guys attractive, but for me is more emotional. Because I have been through so much emotional pain by myself..when I'm in a relationship I look for emotional support. Someone that cares about me the same way I care for the person..whoever it is..a dude or a girl.

Have a good one...

Aro


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#335033 - 07/01/10 12:17 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: arozork]
Zan72 Offline


Registered: 07/01/10
Posts: 24
I think my abuse has made me bi-sexual as well. I want to get married and have kids, but find men attractive for some reason. Don't know if i would ever be in a relationship with a guy. I've built these walls all around my heart that are unbreakable. No one has come close and I won't let them. frown

_________________________
*The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

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#335039 - 07/01/10 02:21 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Zan72]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
Trauma is scientifically been proven to re-wire the brain of the trauma victim, especially if the abuse is prolonged/ extended in the young life of the victim.

Indeed it changes the way a person thinks, copes, reactes, and preceives his or her environment, relationships and friendships with other people.

Is it hardly unexpected that a trauma survivor of CSA would not think of themselves as "damaged" or "unusual" or "different" from the remainder of society who has not been sexual assualted, abused or tortured?

Being "homosexual" might or may have some relevance to being an abuse victim/ survivor. But think of it this way....if no one was sexually abused as children, would there still be homosexual or "gay" people in this world?

Of course there would be.

So the conclusion has to be that sexual abuse may only play a small, maybe perhaps could play a significant role in some people's lives as to whether or not they are not strictly "heterosexually" oriented.

Thats my take on the homosexuality and sexual abuse. The latter does not create the former. Nor does homosexuality necessarily create sexual offenders either. Even if the Roman Catholic's want to believe that.


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#335050 - 07/01/10 06:26 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: GeorgeMartin]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I agree with everything you said George

I wish I was not abused, and I am ok with who I am.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#335341 - 07/05/10 01:32 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: cbfull]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I haven't posted here in a long time, so hi, my names Tom, and I wanted to thank you for posting this. I am an openly gay survior of childhood sexual assualt, and I wanted to let you know, from my perspective, acceptaing my sexuality liberated me from my abuser. My abuser probaly Knew that I was gay, even befor i did. It was when i accepted that i was a homosexual that I realized, his power over me was power i gave him. I have sex with me becaues i LOVE men, not becaues of the power, not becaues of some obessive sexual desier, no. In general a ROMANTIC relationship, respect, and love for your fellow man, is the correct term for homosexuality. So for thoes dealing with S.S.A., you need to know this, it may help, I hope that is in fact what helps you in figuering out your sexuality.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#338190 - 08/12/10 05:25 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Aberrant30]
eddy37 Offline


Registered: 08/12/10
Posts: 5
Loc: europe
Hi there,
Eddy from a country in Europe. There ar not much site's like these here so i came to you. After all the problems will be the same wherever you are on the world. (Hope you understand my English/grammatic)

I was a openly gay the past 20 years. Only after a "kind off relation" with a guy the last 3 years i came to the conclusion that he only wanted me for something. I figured out that we hooked up on similar problems.
Before i met him i thought that i learned a lot and this was different.

The past months i began to be confused. The 3 relations i had the last 18 years seems to be the circle of the abuse. I'm beginning to see the patterns now and i'm growing and at the other side i have a lot of bad feelings to deal with.

This naturally means i'm beginning to think "who am i?" I never had the change to find myself during puberty and sometimes i start to think that maybe i would have made other choises if i had figure it all out myself the natural way. Sometimes i have the feeling im made that way. I did this so i must be gay. This last guy i met was bisexual en only lived in the "straight world". So for me this was the first time to be around al lot of straight people in various settings. I was fascinated by this type of behavior (different interactions than in the gay scene i was used to) All that straight stuff gave me some strange kind of "this is also good feeling". Because all of this interesting and sometimes bad things with this "relation" i'm confused now. Maybe i was too obsessive all the time to find back what i "lost" as a little boy and so i forgot to look other ways. At this moment i can not identify myself as a homosexual anymore so i "choose" bisexual for now. Maybe it will change again if i learn more about myself.





Edited by eddy37 (08/13/10 05:15 AM)

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#338321 - 08/14/10 07:10 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: jamie']
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 171
Loc: Utah
I believe that CSA has something to do with homosexuality. I was abused by several boys, and as a result, I began wondering if I were gay--and sometimes I still wonder. a lot of people who are aware of my situation also agree that me being abused had a lot to do with my sexual orientation.

TW


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#338327 - 08/14/10 10:31 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: TW16]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 192
Loc: USA
If you believe that CSA has something to do with homosexuality, then how come there are lots of homosexuals who have never been sexually abused, and are still homosexual or that there are sexually abused people who are "straight"? The people that agree that you being abused had a lot to do with your sexual orientation simply are "minimizing". Thats what I think, not what I believe. Respectfully and kindly said.

There are some people who think that homosexuality equals pedophilia. Some people believe that sexual offenders are pedophiles. Some people believe that homosexuals are sexual offdenders.

A lot of things people believe. Don't mean they are being honest with you. Or that what they believe is correct either.


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#339001 - 08/25/10 07:32 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: GeorgeMartin]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi brothers! I have posted on other threads before but after being impressed and inspired by MichaelJoseph, Arozork, Zan72, eddy37 & others, I felt obliged to mention my experience with homosexuality related to my CSA.

If you read my story, you will see that I was molested hundred of times by men and also several times by women as well. I was molested staring around age 10/11 and then frequently until I turned 18 and joined the military, which helped me escape from the situation.

Now, onto homosexuality and my csa. I enjoyed looking at playboy, hustler and other porn me and my friends came across and even while being molested by men. I was always aroused by nude women and this remains the case to this day.

Since I was molested before, during and after puberty, I became attracted to and like sex with men but would never want a relationship with them. I only wanted to date women and then occasionally want to have sex w/ a guy but never an ltr.

For decades, I hated the fact that thinking about a penis or sex with a man arouses me just as sex with a woman does but since my therapist told me this is a natural reaction to the csa, it's allowed me to let go of so much guilt (we have a little of that, no?) about homosexual urges during and since my abuse ended.

Now, I have finally accepted that I have homosexual urges due to my abuse but since I am married, they will have to remain just that. I've told others here that if my wife was okay with it, I would love to have a MFM w/ another bimale joining us.

Honestly, it's liberating to know that I can think of oral sex with a man and not feel guilty or ashamed about it, as I had for years until finally getting help for my CSA.

So, that's how my CSA affected me. Maybe some of us were already heading towards homosexuality or bisexuality before the csa but since at least 9 in 10 men are hetero, the odds are highly against that. It makes sense that some of us were gay by DNA and that CSA made some of us gay/bi by confusing our sexuality since we were aroused by and found homosexual contact pleasurable.

I am not going to judge others here or tell them that they are wrong about how csa did or didn't affect them and hope to receive the same courtesy.

Take care my brothers and have a great summer.

J




Edited by westsidej (08/25/10 07:32 PM)
_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#339007 - 08/25/10 08:59 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: westsidej]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Having bisexual feelings is a tough one for me to reconcile since my mom is lesbian and while I accept her wholeheartedly (as I do others who identify as gay or lesbian) personally its difficult to live with my own same sex attraction since I can't completely untangle it from the abuse I experienced. Even while it was going on when I was young I couldn't detach from this thinking since it felt like condemning my abuser for what he was doing to me was also condemning my mother for her sexuality. As an adult I know better today (in theory) but sometimes it still feels like I'm forced to look upon what happened to me as okay, out of fear that condemning the abuse I suffered by someone of the same sex is a tacit denunciation of gays and lesbians in general. However, intellectually I am trying to turn this thinking around by asking myself what if the roles were different, as in what if my abuser were female, or what if I were female and was abused by a male? I realize this is a highly theoretical exercise yet it helps me get to the point of the matter, namely that an adult initiating sex with a child isn’t OK under any circumstances, regardless of one’s gender or sexual orientation. That said I wish I was more secure in my own sexuality, as in knowing whether my bisexual tendencies come naturally or if they are a twisted result of my csa. I suppose I have some work in store to do with this. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#339735 - 09/06/10 04:26 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: westsidej]
Loran Offline


Registered: 08/10/10
Posts: 7
Loc: CA. U.S.A.
Hi J,

While reading your post I felt I was writing my own story. We are very much alike and I agree with you totally. I get very aroused by women but like you get erges at times. I was molested when I was some where around the age of 10 also. I am just now seeking help. Thank you for you imput. It is a ncie feeling to know there are others like myself out there,


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#341354 - 10/03/10 07:51 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Aberrant30]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Hey Aberrant, your post really spoke to me. I'm also openly and happily gay and a survivor. Accepting my sexuality also liberated me from my abuser(s). In addition I really liked how you said "I have sex with men becaues i LOVE men, not becaues of the power, not becaues of some obessive sexual desier, no". That sentence spoke volumes to me and I thank you for sharing it with us.

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#347821 - 12/11/10 09:36 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: blaidd]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
The problem is that the world still has an unhealthy view on being gay. There is still this stigma associated with it. So I can see why this is troublesome for many guys who have gone through CSA. Many guys question their sexuality even without the CSA...

For those questioning things, this was taken from malesurvivors myth section:

Quote:
Myth #5 - Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual.

While there are different theories about how the sexual orientation develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent or adult sexual orientation. It is unlikely that someone can make another person a homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bi-sexual. Whether perpetrated by older males or females, boys' or girls' premature sexual experiences are damaging in many ways, including confusion about one's sexual identity and orientation.

I think the stigma of what it means to be gay and those who are so against it, only hinder those men who have been abused by other men... I pesonally didn't tell my family until I was 19, because my abuser was a guy and my cousin... Maybe I was afraid if I told, everyone would know I was gay? and I knew my families beliefs on gays early on...

The same can go for guys who are straight. I am sure many don't tell too afraid that others will think they are gay.

Personally I have never questioned being gay because of the abuse... In my late teens, certainly I questioned whether to be gay or nothing at all due to my religious upbringing.

I have always known I was gay. The thing it did mess up was my idea of what love was. Plus I got attached to my abuser and it wasn't until a few years ago that my first rejection from a male was from my abuser...

He took what he wanted from me, got me hooked on it and then left me when he was done...

I really honor everyones experience and where they are at today. I may not understand what it is like to question my sexuality but I can understand what it is like to question everything in your life. It is tough. I hope everyone finds the peace we so deserve.

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#348699 - 12/21/10 05:56 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
Gamgee Offline


Registered: 10/24/10
Posts: 25
Loc: Canada
A few years ago a doctor in France came up with the idea of using the terms straight or gay and homosexual or heterosexual to define our inherent genetically determined attraction (straight or gay) as distinct from our sexual practices and lifestyle (heterosexual or homosexual) which can be determined by personal and cultural influences and experiences. Personally, when it comes to the result, I think it's pretty complicated figuring out which is which and is probably a pretty flexible trait. I also think we all exist on a continuum between exclusively one or the other. As our society becomes more open and accepting of people as individuals, I suspect people will be more open to experimenting in this area.


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#348723 - 12/21/10 10:44 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Gamgee]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
diamondheart raises a great point that Straight Male survivors grappling with SSA are deeply injured by the homophobia in our society as well.

Maybe straight males struggling with SSA have the best sense of the grappling gay men do when discerning and coming to terms with our sexuality. An interesting thought.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#348783 - 12/21/10 09:35 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Ever-fixed Mark
Maybe straight males struggling with SSA have the best sense of the grappling gay men do when discerning and coming to terms with our sexuality.


I do as a survivor. I am NOT sure the straight NON survivor understands the grappling gay men do but then again they would NOT be a straight man who is "struggling" with ssa.

Will this "issue" ever be clear so there is no struggling?

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#348788 - 12/21/10 09:57 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Avery46]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Avery46
....Will this "issue" ever be clear so there is no struggling?


i believe it will only ever become a non-issue when men are allowed to be men.

think of the massive cultural shift that took place with women's lib. i think men need that too; but unlike the liberated females before us, i think both men and women today fear such an enlightened and happy male population.

_________________________
Jeff

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#348994 - 12/24/10 01:17 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: westchesterguy]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Until I understood that my being Bi was "just the way i am" and accepted it (thanks in large part to this site and great guys here who have helped me in this), I was always having issues with coming out and telling others about my sexuality.

Now I enjoy life knowing it isnt a burden anymore because of acceptance.

This has taught me that acceptance of myself first allows me to be free enough to work on my issues and it has haelp immensely.

I think there will always be those who will not accept a person for who they are. That problem isn't with you (me) it is theirs and is bond up in their own lack of acceptance.

Sam


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#349090 - 12/26/10 03:34 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: many_mees]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Sam, what you said about enjoying life because of acceptance is just lovely. I'm so thrilled that you were able to reach that point, in which it isn't a burden for you. smile

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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