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#147124 - 03/26/07 07:39 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
"there is a tendency to seek a cause/effect for same-gender attraction."

You say this as if it's an undesirable thing. What about the Simon LeVay study?

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#147628 - 03/29/07 02:00 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
I was hoping to come here and find something about this subject. I have been dealing with the idea of am I gay or not. I actually think I am but having a hard time accepting it. I am getting divorced from my second marriage....there were sexual difficulties in both. My Therapist says that I am NOT gay but I am confused because of my sexual abuse that occured. From the age of 5 till quite a few years. He was so strong in his answer that he told me I was wrong and if I chose to live as a gay man it would be the wrong decision. Even if I were gay I could not "come out" because I am from a highly religious family....I speaking we wer all groomed to be in the ministry. So there would be no understanding of such a lifestyle. I would be told to leave I am sure of it. At this time I am back in college and if I had to leave I would have no place to go. So, you see being gay has a HUGE effect on my life. I don't understand though why I would be attracted to men when it is men who have sexually abused me...I am 45 now when I was 40 I was sexually assualted at gun point. SO the very thing I was tormented over is something I am attracted to? Of course a partner would be more loving and not violent. The therapist say NO your not. (he is a christian therapyist) another T said I can not deny these emotions and desire and feelings it will destroy me if I do. I have been having headaches since last year. At one point the doctor said I might need to deal with the idea of if I am gay or not. Now I do not come across as femine (at least I don't think I do) but his point was valid I think. If being gay is there at birth then how could anyone fight against what they were meant to be? This whole thing is confusing.


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#147646 - 03/29/07 05:35 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Redsongbird]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Confusion over sexuality is quite common, and being from an area and family where being gay is... well... frowned upon to say the least, makes it even more so.

Your sexuality has not been determined by the abuse you suffered. It is something innate within you. Unfortunately, no one but you can determine if you are gay, bisexual, or straight. However, in my opinion, a T without an agenda regarding sexuality would certainly be in your best interest right now. You need an objective voice as your counselor, not one colored by personal beliefs.

As far as being gay at birth, it is my belief that a combination of genetics and pre-natal hormone levels play the largest part in determining sexuality, with "nurture" coming up a distant third. Some people can fight against it, but the vast majority either can't or don't, which is why "reparative therapy" is unsuccessful over time.

My advice, for what it's worth, is go to a secular therapist and work through this issue with them, and to be gentle with yourself, giving yourself the time you need to walk through everything. There is no magic pill or over-night cure for this.

Take care of yourself.


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#147745 - 03/30/07 02:20 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Dewey2k]
hayden Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 7
How does knowing that you abuser is gay effect your sexual identity? Or does it matter about the true sexuality of the person who abused you?


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#147756 - 03/30/07 06:38 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: hayden]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I personally think it matters. I am really bothered by the fact that my abuser was (is) heterosexual. For me it adds another level of "despicable-ness" to the act.

During a post I was making a day or two ago I came to the realization that I tend to be very anxious in one-on-one situations with straight men, and most of the time I am afraid that they will come on to me. Sometimes I also fear this from other gay men, but it's mostly straight men. Now add to that the anxiety of also being attracted to the straight man, and you have my current situation with my coworker. I am especially anxious because I know that if this attractive straight man were to come on to me, there is a chance I could get caught up in the moment and not resist, and that would devastate me AND my commited, healthy relationship with a man I love and trust more than I thought I could. (but enought about that, this is not my thread!)

If it were a gay man who abused me, I would like to believe that I would probably confront him and eventually forgive him, but that is just speculation. I have no way of knowing how I would feel about it, or for that matter, how I would feel about other gay men if that were that case.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#147798 - 03/30/07 11:24 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: cbfull]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I'd just like to add a few points to the discussion, which I am finding really interesting:

1. The majority of abusers who molest boys are themselves heterosexual, or consider themselves to be heterosexual.

2. The pros tell us that sexual abuse is about primarily about power, not sex. If an abuser wants sex there are plenty of ways to get it that are safer than molesting kids. What turns the abuser on is the totality of his control of the situation.

3. Homosexuality and CSA may involve the same sexual acts, but in reality they are very different. Homosexual sex is something shared between two guys who give informed consent to what they are doing, while CSA is a crime commited by one person who is more powerful than the other, who is a victim unable to give his consent. Gay men share themselves with each other in a sexual way as and when they wish; in CSA the abuser calls the shots and manipulates the child with inducements, confusion, tricks and threats. A gay man can walk out of a relationship any time, but an abused kid can be molested for years, even though he fears, dislikes and is shamed by what is happening, because he thinks he has no choice or fears exposure, abandonment or the withdrawal of the abuser's attention.

I think the primary reason we ponder this question is that abuse has a nasty way of confusing our sense of sexuality and sexual boundaries. But doesn't that speak to the impact of the abuse itself, rather than the sexuality of the abuser?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#147809 - 03/30/07 12:15 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: roadrunner]
hayden Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 7
What I am questioning is how the sexuality of the abuser impacts the victim. Many of us have sexual identity issues as a result of our abuse, and none of our abuse looks identical. roadrunner correctly says: the majority of abusers are heterosexual, so there are less of us who were violated by homosexuals. Do those sexual identity issues look different for those abused by gay abusers?
Comments like cbfull's "I am really bothered by the fact that my abuser was (is) heterosexual." seem to show that the sexuality of the abuser does effect our processes.
I have not found anything in the books differentiating whether the sexuality of the abuser factors into how the victim deals with, cognates, manages, and processes the abuse.
I don't have any answers or theories on this. Yet. I'm just wanting to know you all think.


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#147832 - 03/30/07 03:32 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: hayden]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I think that the sexuality of the abuser only affects the survivor insofar as he is concerned about the perps sexuality and what it may mean for his development. In other words, if the survivor isn't worried about it, then it doesn't matter. However, for those who are concerned:

A boy molested by a straight man may be concerned that the abuse makes him gay, and wonder how to reconcile what being straight means with a straight man abusing him.

A boy molested by a gay man may think that he will turn out gay because his abuser was, and since the abuser was gay--and molested him--he will turn out gay and an abuser as well.

For myself, I never really thought about this before. I guess I have a good idea of where I sit on the spectrum, so it's a moot point for me.


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#148568 - 04/03/07 10:25 AM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: Russ2]
grayson Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/16/06
Posts: 19
Loc: central new york
russ, u said."In addition, we live in a very homophobic world and there is a tendency to seek a cause/effect for same-gender attraction." can u explain this more?

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"being fearless when you're winning isn't courage."
http://www.mensurviving.com

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#148601 - 04/03/07 12:39 PM Re: Homosexuality related to CSA [Re: grayson]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Well, he hasn't chimed in yet, but I took him to mean that we are taught by society (mostly peers and parents) that homosexuality is a very specific and isolated "oddity". Some even treat it like a disorder or an illness. When you treat a very natural human function like same-sex intimacy like a defect or a disease, there is inspiration to find a cause-effect relationship. That's why studies to find the roots of homosexuality are typically controversial.

Those of us who feel truly passionate and inspired by male-male sexuality know that none of that can be true.

I hope that this is in line with the intent of your post, Russ.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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