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#145809 - 03/17/07 03:02 PM He might leave me.
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
My husband states we can't coexist like this forever. He wants to set a time frame for himself to get better. If he doesn't get better then we should get divorced. I asked him why we can't stay together no matter what. He says he feels like he is ruining my life. He said every time he looks at me he can't stand the feelings of inadequacy and self loathing. This just keeps getting worse! We are both in therapy now which is huge!!!!
My head is mess. I keep thinking about this. Wondering if we are going to make it. Wondering if both of us would be happier apart. I can't stand the fact that I indirectly am causing him so much pain. He can't stand the fact that he indirectly is causing me so much pain. This sucks. The therapist wants us to
establish "ground rules". What does that mean? The therapist wants both of us to come to a session but my husband refuses.
Any advice would be appreciated.


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#145811 - 03/17/07 03:14 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: weepywife]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Dear WW,

If your husband won't "help" himself, there is very little you can do to help him. As long as he is therapy, there is hope. Maybe he won't go with you because he doesn't want you see how helpless he feels. Keep your head up, it does get better. Just try to be supportive as best you can. The best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself.

Thank you for your persistence and caring.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#145815 - 03/17/07 03:59 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: weepywife]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
WW,

GWSurvives is right on the money. If your husband is in therapy, that's a world better than if he weren't. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

It sucks to be where you are right now, but you do have good reason to hope it can and will get better. Maybe the T will get through to your husband that healing doesn't happen on a schedule. Maybe the T can explain to the two of you what "ground rules" means. My guess would be that you and your H will come up with some agreements on what you will and what you won't try to address right away, as well as how you will conduct yourselves in conversations and interactions with each other. That would be to stop (or at least reduce) the "indirectly causing so much pain."

And I suggest you pray.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#145827 - 03/17/07 04:28 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: outis]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
What's happened to him was awful. It's not reasonable for him to set a time frame. I know you realize that already.

He seems to have a very hard time at the state of recovery he's reached. It will take some time to get past that.

He may also feel like he's ruined your like because of feelings he's had or things he's done related to his abuse, that he is afraid to tell you, for fear of you leaving him first. The best you can do here, is read posts and books about male CSA. You will see much about feelings that are common, the self destructive behaviors that a survivor may have. It may help any talks you do have go a little better.

I agree with others that you have to do your best take care of yourself first. You will both have a difficult time for a while, no matter what happens from here on out.

Good luck,
Keith


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#145828 - 03/17/07 04:41 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: KeithR]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Keith,

You have touched something that rings true for me..
"he is afraid to tell you, for fear of you leaving him first".
I have always found a way to feel justified in leaving, because I didn't want to expierence the pain of being left. Which I "KNEW" was going to happen at some point. Or, I could I find a way to sabotage a relationship, and give her a reason to leave that was acceptable to me.

WW, keep your head up. DOn't give up.

GW



_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#145834 - 03/17/07 05:27 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: GWsurvives]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Thanks for the input.
It is frustrating because by him saying set a time frame for recovery...he is admitting that he doesn't think he can get better.
I think the whole problem is how young we are and that my biological clock is ticking. I told him that we don't have to have kids now. We even could adopt. I don't mean to pressure him but I have to be honest with him. AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!


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#145846 - 03/17/07 07:50 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: weepywife]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
WW,

First, congratulations that he's in therapy. It takes a lot of bravery for a man to face the demons of his past.

I understand your concerns very well; I've been married 14 yrs and have a 4-yr-old. My husband's abuse has always affected our relationship, but mostly in the last 9 months (no intimacy and distancing). The last thing I want is a broken home.

My personal opinion is that he won't leave you, but he might make it so that you will be very tempted to leave him. You are the stability in his life right now and he won't be able to cope alone in dealing w/ his recovery.

I also would repeat to myself that they say the initial stage of recovery is the hardest, and while there's not a set time limit, it doesn't last forever and things DO IMPROVE. There are so many witnesses to that on this site.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal w/ this, but maybe it is easier to deal w/ while younger rather than after it's become so ingrained for too long. Also you will both have more of life to enjoy together after the hard parts are over.

I wish you and he the best of luck and again hallelujah that he is in therapy!!! (mine just started therapy too - but he has yet to talk about his abuse issues - so I am waiting for what feels like an uncertain eternity for it to get underway - but I still praise the Lord that he is talking to someone about something).

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#145982 - 03/18/07 04:58 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: Brokenhearted]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Brokenhearted, thankyou for your input. My husband and I celebrate our firt wedding anniversary today.
We have just started our journey in recovery.
I so relate to you saying that he wont leave you but he might make it that you want to leave him. I have been at that breaking point of wanting to leave but wanting so desperately for things to change at the same time. Knowing within myself the only way is for him to breakthrough the denial of our intimacy problems being because of his abuse, and seeking help to recovery.
We had a little shift 4weeks and we are now in therapy. Praise the lord for it is only through pray that we are here.
Hang in there WW, keep praying for your miracle.

Jodie


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#146004 - 03/18/07 08:14 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: jodie]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
WW

I've got a question for you to ponder. Why assume that the only two choices are staying together and divorcing?

Let's take your husband at his word and accept that he does feel overwhelmed when he does look at you. Perhaps his feelings are totally within reason, although his reasonING might be affected by the pain he is going through.

Is there a way for you to perhaps let him have a period of time to focus on this part of his journey? You can certainly stipulate some conditions - ie that he checks in regularly, that he agrees not to make any life altering decisions until after this period, perhaps he can go to a place where they help people in recovery (they don't just exist for substance rehab).

This would also give you some space to do some very important healing that you need to do for yourself as well.

The point is that there are always more than two options. Take some time to think outside the box a little but, and maybe ask your husband to come up wiht some ideas as well.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#146130 - 03/19/07 08:19 PM Re: He might leave me. [Re: tartugas]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
WW,

Take a few deep breaths, then cry you head off and take a few more. Like BH has said, I wish we could all have the same curriculum and know exactly when graduation day was. How nice would that be? But it won't happen for him or for you, until it does.

Our lives are difficult, but for me, the good outweighs the bad and I constantly re-assure my b/f of that not just because he needs to hear it, but because it's true. When things stink to high heaven, I admit it, but underneath it all, there's a good life too and there's always hope that it will be better so walking is not an option I entertain for more than a nano-second and one that I won't allow him to entertain either.

That for better or worse line in the marriage vows means something. I'm not opposed to divorce for good reason, I got divorced myself, but one partner or the other being in pain, yet trying to heal, is not a good reason. The damage took a long time to take hold and mess up his life and it will take at least that long to undo. Expain that to him. Then, if he insists on setting a time frame tell him, OK, I'll give you 20 years and not one minute more. Then let it go and live your life as best you can until it's better.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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