Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
iwishicared (41), Scott Oliver (53), TutDaVinci (32)
Who's Online
7 registered (Obi, Going forward, pattom, 4 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63369 Topics
443112 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#146016 - 03/18/07 10:01 PM Just figured out husband was abused. very long
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
Hi Everybody,

I am very grateful to have found this site. This letter will probably be very disjointed but I need to let this out since I don't know who I can talk to about this.

I have been with my husband for 3 years (this Tuesday). We got married this August. We love each other very much but so much of our relationship has been some of the most traumatic time of my life.

Some background: I was raised in an abusive household. I was close to my father but he was gone most of the time. My mother was and is severe obsessive compulsive disorder (germs, security, fear of blackouts, rituals etc). She was extremely verbally abusive (think of 'As Good as it Gets' but it is your mother and worse) Both my mother and father were physically abusive to me also.

My husband's father left his family when he was a toddler. The father was a chronic cheater and he sounds as if he may have been a sex addict? His father had 7 children total though he didn't seem to like kids. He would relate to them by teasing and mocking them. He had bad health later in life, didn't take care of himself and died young.

My dear husband (dh) has 2 sisters and 2 brothers. The whole family spends most of the time not speaking to each other and angry at each other. My husband is the only one who keeps the peace. He is often used as the go-between feuding parties. At this time my husband is the only one speaking to his mother.

When he was in grade-school his family lived at a Christian Retreat center. There are suspicions that his mother was involved with the female owner(fo) of the center.For dh and his siblings the fo was a 'father figure' to them and they jokingly refer to her as dad. This center also had a dark and scary side to my husband since as a young child he was exposed to people speaking in tongues, possessed people and stuff with snakes.

Getting back to his father. He didn't know his father and members of the family say this is good since the oldest brother and sister it is agreed 'got the worst of it' or 'were damaged by their father' I am pulling these phrases out of stuff that the other siblings, my dh, and the mother say.

The mother is very conservative and smart. My dh is very much the favored son. He bought the house that she lives in and used to send her regular money.

My husband is kind, hard-working, funny, left-wing and loves nuturing things (kids, plants, animals) He has a love/hate relationship with his mother. She makes him feel guilty.

A year and a half ago, we stayed with his mother. Her competition with me and with all women and especially partners of dh is ,to say the least, extreme. I personally don't like to compete with women over men since I am a feminist and bisexual. She was angry with me because I visited and stayed over with a friend (male) who lived an hour away from her but 3k miles from our home. She waited until dh was gone and then started on a tirade about how she was closer to dh than me, that she understood him better, that he would never marry me and that she knew that he was going to be breaking up with me soon. All this was false and cruel.

This had the strange result that her daughter who lives closest to her has not spoken to her since. I believe this sister sees a lot of herself in me and when she saw what her mother did, it gave her strength and resolve to separate from her mother. This is the closest sibling to my husband and is like a sister to me. She and my husband are the youngest children in the family. The family speaks about them missing out on the worst of the father. (abuse?)

Close sister (cs) has talked about their oldest brother and said do not trust him around my daughter. The oldest brother is estranged from his wife and children and the reasons are not clear. He is ill and isolated. He is also fundamentalist Christian, a veteran, and into violent war films. He has often made a point to say that he doesn't watch pornography.

Cs has said never leave our daughter with the oldest brother. She said that he is just odd. She thinks he might have done something but doesn't know where this information came from.

When I asked dh about these concerns and whether we can talk to the brother's x wife, he was upset about his brother's reputation and felt very conflicted. He is very protective of our daughter. He told his brother not to visit later on and put him off till some time in the future.

There are family rumors that the oldest sister was molested by the father but this is denied by the mother.

My mil is very possessive of my dh. He does not feel close to her because they are very different in politics, lifestyle, religion, and interests. However he is very connected to her and her loneliness and sadness. He feels guilt about her and doesn't enjoy talking to her but he does regularly.

I am going to skim over this part. He is an amazing person but he has said some things that he said he wanted to and was going to do and then did a complete reversal. Things like marriage, kids, where to live, name changing etc. An example, he would beg me to marry him and move in with him. When I sacrifice a lot to be able to do this, then he would run in the opposite direction. We eventually got married but this pattern has happened over and over again. Over-giving. His X said that he had major intimacy issues. He is confused and frustrated by his own actions.

Disagreements with him involve. Extreme actions to avoid anyone's anger at him. Avoidance of conflict. Stonewalling and defensiveness in a disagreement. Out of control anger. Run away.

My husband is a very hard worker. He took much pride in making good money and spending it on myself and his step-daughter (my biological daughter). He was laid off a few months ago.

His behavior has become even worse.

Many times during an argument he just runs off (10 minutes to a week he is gone) What I often do is try to connect with him to try to get him to stay or at least find out how long he is going for. Sometimes I am afraid he will get into a car accident because he is in a blind rage.

Last week, instead when he was going I said fine, Go! During the argument, I pulled down a blanket that hangs in a doorway. He put it back up but after awhile he came at me and attacked me by wrenching my arms behind me and throwing me to the ground. Later, when I got a checkbook to have when he was gone he grabbed me and pushed me through glass panels of a door. There had been a couple of lesser incidents before.

He had fairly regularly threatened to leave me or that he hates me or other extremes. Then he cools down and is filled with remorse.

We are going to couples counseling and he is going to counseling but not regularly.

I am staying with him for now though I thought of leaving him a few weeks ago. I feel strangely about this because I can't think of why stay with this situation, except that I love him and I still trust him more than anyone else...and this sounds lame. If there is another incident, I am going to insist that he leaves for awhile. I just took time out of writing this to start a safety plan.

After this episode happened he wept for a half an hour. Tortured. I didn't know who to feel badly for so I chose everyone.

Three days ago was when I realized that my husband was a survivor.

Some background, he has a hyper sex drive. He has had intercourse sometimes 9 times a day, and he is still driven to want more. At this point he is weirded out by still wanting sex. He loves the closeness but other times he feels controlled by his biology. Since I have a high drive too, he has expressed that it is his fondest wish but I see him confused as to why he is not perfectly happy.

He also has a half-belief that women (me but not me) are just out to use him for money and that women take advantage of men/him by taking advantage of their sex-drive. I have told him that his drive is very unusual in my experience (I have had many men and women friends who speak candidly about things. This includes friends who are survivors of all sorts of abuse)

We were in bed and kidding around. I saw him do that 'frozen/confused' thing that I have seen on friends who are sexual abuse survivors. (only women). I was shocked that I had never recognized trademark signs.

Because he is under so much stress this action was different and new. The symptoms are different from women's but still there. I have just started reading these last two days. I don't know much at all but I am still so surprised.

I stopped and asked him if he had been sexually abused. He said that he couldn't talk about it now. Later I asked him and he said no. Then he said he couldn't talk about it.

In couple's counseling I brought it up in the context of really freaking out at the thought of someone hurting him. I think of if this happened to our daughter how angry I would be and how angry he would be. Our counselor said maybe this is true or not but let's concentrate on our issues of communicating. It was right that the counselor did this but I was glad that this issue was at least on the table. Maybe I want this out there as an explanation of the physical abuse (not an excuse) but at least the mystery factor that I couldn't figure out. Also I wanted the counselor to at least know this factor so he could help us better. Dh did not deny the truth of it.

Later after couple's counseling my dh told me that he couldn't talk about it but he said some things.
-This is the thing that he thinks of when he looks at a counseling application and it has a question, What topic can you not discuss
-It was between his brother age 13 and him age 8
-His brother initiated it first
-My husband tried to initiate it again and was rebuked?
-He feels shame
-It was just play, all kids do this
-He does not feel, or want to feel, that he was abused
-He doesn't think that this affects his life
-He can't talk about it now.

He mentioned this morning that he didn't see why I stick around, because he is so useless, lame, sad etc. I joked that I would give him 3 years to become 60% perfect. (He deals better with humor than direct compliments) He then said that he wouldn't be alive in 3 years. I said what? He then changed it to wouldn't be around. I said hmmm. And hugged him. And then I said things might get worse for a bit but then they will get better.

I love my husband very very much. I am angry, confused, sad, lost and hurt by all the has been going on, his actions, my actions, all of it. He loves me very much and I am a lifeline to him. When he is calm he is very grateful to how loving and patient I am.

Today in an argument, he was losing control and I was calm. Later he thanked me for doing that so well.

I have been trying to be very good to myself lately. I am going back to school full-time. He doesn't like this at all but part of him knows that this is not fair. I still listen to him but I am still moving forward in educating myself and being good to myself. A bit less time together. Good boundaries. Trying to be accommodating but not give away the store.

Strangely enough, our relationship is the envy of many people?!?!

We are going to couple's counseling, a couple's retreat, and he is seeing a counselor.

Thanks for listening to this since I needed to let all this out somehow.

Any comments, questions, things to read?


Top
#146024 - 03/18/07 10:56 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Welcome Gabrielle,

You and your dh are just now beginning to see clearly the road that you are on. It is, obviously a bumpy, disjointed, and often terrifying path, but now that you know where it is, you can get some maps to help you figure out which way to go. That alone may help with the fear.

Quote:
I love my husband very very much. I am angry, confused, sad, lost and hurt by all the has been going on, his actions, my actions, all of it. He loves me very much and I am a lifeline to him. When he is calm he is very grateful to how loving and patient I am.

Today in an argument, he was losing control and I was calm. Later he thanked me for doing that so well.


I thought these two quotes were especially worth repeating back to you. To me they encapsulate everything you need to know about where to go from here. It is obvious that you have a very deep, caring, loving bpnd with your dh. It is also obvious that you pay attention to him and have listened very carefully to his story (what he has been able to tell you so far). Keep you care alive for him, but try to remain calm.

The next stage of this journey will be hardest on him, most likely. If you want to be there for him , you will have to maintain your calm. He will not be a pretty person at times. If you feel that he cannot control his temper then you owe it to both of you to establish a very firm boundary, he can never hit you - EVER. If he ever touches you again in anger, I would strongly suggest you temporarily remove yourself and yourchild from his presence. Doing so may feel like a punishment, but in reality it is for both his protection and yours.

If you are in therapy, then your t's will be able to provide you with better information that I can, however it sounds to me as though he also has some addiction issues to contend with (sex can be just as much of a drug as anything else).

This is a strom, no doubt about it, but it will pass. With strength and resilience you and your family can make it through this stronger and happier than you ever dared dream. We're here for you. And we are all pulling for you.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#146037 - 03/19/07 01:35 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: tartugas]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

Thank you very very much for the reply, Tarugus, It really made a big difference to not feel so isolated about this.

My dh and I had a talk tonight about the Safety Plan I came up with:

My name on the checking account
DH moves out for at least a week if:
Violent episode
Over the line lost of temper in front of Child
No money restrictions on childcare costs during gone time
No ignoring child
Bi-weekly sessions with couple counselor
Weekly sessions for DH with individual counselor

I preferred to have other financial stuff in my name also, and weekly couple's counseling but I brought forward this compromise.

He was angry that I brought this up at all. He agreed to all of it except the weekly counseling. He was saying that I was trying to control him because of the incident. He was saying that I just want to get what I want. I was chill and said that I just don't want any violent stuff to happen again and I was trying to set up a situation where this will likely not happen.

He said that I was making it seem like this sort of thing happens all the time. Either that or if I thought that it might happen again why was I still around? (Accusing me of what? I am not sure. Being a bad mother? Having bad self esteem?)

Anyway. I am going to email a copy of the plan to him.


Top
#146061 - 03/19/07 08:49 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Gabrielle,

You've drawn the line in the sand that needed to be drawn it would seem. You're going to have to be prepared to back it up with action. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself AND the child. I truly wish you the best in tis situation.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#146075 - 03/19/07 10:26 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: WalkingSouth]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Gabrielle,

As a fellow survivor, I can say this with personal knowledge. Many of the issues your husband is fighting you on are legitimate issues that he will most likely refuse to accept. It is vital to maintaining the fragile sense of self he's contrsucted to keep at bay many of the realisations about his own behavior that you are bringing to his attention. See these things cannot be pleasant for him, and chances are he'll get even snarkier about some of these things as time goes on.

What you're seeing happen is the implosion of a poorly constructed sense of self. And it is never a pretty thing to witness. However, it's not your doing, nor your responsibility to reconstruct a stronger self for your dh. Stay calm and reasonalbe and stick to your boundaries. They are eminently reasonable and in no way harm your dh. He will accuse you of attacking him, but that is because your love for him actually undermines the assumptions upon which his whole sense of self is built upon (i.e. "I'm unlovable", "If someone gets close to me it's because they want to take advantage of me"). It's counter-intuitive, upsetting to the extreme, and totally draining. But this is how much damage CSA can do. It becomes a virus can spread into the lives of almost everyone a survivor comes into contact with. Maintaining your boundaries now is the best defense against his illness.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#146089 - 03/19/07 01:49 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: tartugas]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
If I may chime in here, tartgas, when you say, "What you're seeing happen is the implosion of a poorly constructed sense of self. And it is never a pretty thing to witness." --- this is something that has not yet happened w/ my husband but may as he becomes aware of his abuse issues affecting our life (he sees a therapist every 3 wks).....I guess I am wondering how long this explosive, ugly time can last....not that there's a blueprint for everyone but still.....it sounds like it could be terribly hard to deal w/ and I need some approximate time frames....if such a time frame even exists....surely it's not infinite. Perhaps you can share from your own experience?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#146114 - 03/19/07 06:04 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Brokenhearted]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hi brokenhearted,

In order not to hijack Gabrielle's thread I'll start a new one in answer to your question.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#146122 - 03/19/07 07:42 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: tartugas]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Your quotes and my reactions of the past (and somtimes prestent)

Disagreements with him involve. Extreme actions to avoid anyone's anger at him. (YES)
Avoidance of conflict.(YES)
Stonewalling and defensiveness in a disagreement. (YES)
Out of control anger. (ALMOST...)
Run away (YES USUALLY TO THE NEXT ROOM)
-It was between his brother age 13 and him age 8 (AGE 14 and 11)
-His brother initiated it first (YES)
-My husband tried to initiate it again and was rebuked?(I THINK SO, BUT WASN'T REBUKE)
-He feels shame (YES)
-It was just play, all kids do this (I THOUGHT THAT FOR YEARS)
-He does not feel, or want to feel, that he was abused(I THOUGHT THAT FOR YEARS)
-He doesn't think that this affects his life ( I WANTED TO THINK THAT FOR YEARS)
-He can't talk about it now. (IT TOOK 18 YEARS TO TELL A N Y O N E. 18 MORE TO TELL ANYONE ELSE)
He then said that he wouldn't be alive in 3 years.(I WAS ON THE WAY TO THAT BECAUSE OF SEX ADDICTION. I am not sure what his case is)
Today in an argument, he was losing control and I was calm. Later he thanked me for doing that so well. (DONE THAT WITH MY WIFE)
Strangely enough, our relationship is the envy of many people?!?!
(THIS IS WHY:I love my husband very very much. I am angry, confused, sad, lost and hurt by all the has been going on, his actions, my actions, all of it. He loves me very much and I am a lifeline to him. When he is calm he is very grateful to how loving and patient I am.)

So your husband is not alone. Sadly, we have much in common. A big concern I have for you is the violence. The violence is immediately dangerous to you. I think much of my anger in the past was fueled by internal hatred of myself, and hatred of thiings I had done to hurt myself and hurt my relationship. It never got to to point of violence in the way you describe.

Of course, I cannot know everything your husband has been through. What I DO know is that there are a lot of similarities between he and I. One of the biggest things to help me was weekly therapy, for a number of months. My Therapist has a good deal of experience dealing with various types of addictions and with sexual identity issues. If I had to chose again, I would have picked one with more experience in childhood sexual abuse.... but I didn't really know this was the root of my problem. Other things that helped me were getting into a program for sexual addicts, reading a book called Abused Boys, and finding this site.

I hope this can help you.
Keith


Top
#146132 - 03/19/07 08:24 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: KeithR]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Gabrielle,

I read your post this morning, but couldn't reply at the time, so please forgive the delay. You've gotten some really good advice.

One thing that really scares me is that the physical abuse he has put you through is not minor. You say he is terribly sorry after it happens, so you forgive him. Pardon my candor, but that's bullshit and it's classic abuser behavior. You've even had to go so far as to formulate an escape plan. That's intense. No amount of pain your husband is in is an excuse for physically harming you. I understand your desire to help, but if he doesn't help himself and continues to direct his anger at you by physically harming you, get out and don't come back. It didn't happen once, although once is already too much.

Please, above all else, keep you and your child safe.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#148750 - 04/04/07 03:06 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Trish4850]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
Thank you for all the amazing support and replies,

Many things have developed since last I wrote.

-He is now almost completely disengaged. He is sleeping in a seperate room in a different part of the house.

-I am taking full time classes at school. I have arranged for childcare when I am in class. He is very angry that I am doing this. First I was going to take two classes. He wasn't happy about this. Then due to my schedule and wanting to move forward for my degree- I decided to take 4 classes. He feels that this is a big 'Fuck you' to him. I don't see it having to do with him and more to do with me. I want to be more in charge of where I am going in my life.

-He is depressed but working on a remodel project everyday.

-About the last violence episode. He now says that it was him that went through the glass door, not me. I don't argue with him about this because, there would be no point. He knows that I don't agree with him but I refuse to engage.

-I am reading lots of stuff about healthy differentiation like "The Pasisonate Marriage" I am trying very hard to differentiate. He takes it as me being mean or doing things against him.

-At one point he was crying and asking me what he should do. I said try to just get through this. Ride out this dark dark time (crisis) so you can be in a better place to make decisions. He seemed to take this to heart.

-He is isolated from his friends that he respects and that know him and love him. Instead, he is in the most contact with his abuser (his brother) and his mother. To write this down makes me so angry. This brother is even more depressed and down then him. He lives alone and is paraniod, delusional and suicidal. (He thinks that Amazon had a plot against him due to some spam that he got). I gently mentioned spending more time with other folks then talking/emailing with his brother. I spoke about balance not 'stop talking to him!' He seemed to listen.

-I am giving him a lot of space. I want it also. I am kind when I see him. I check in with him. I don't fight with him. If he is 'snarky' I shug it off which irratates him since this is very different from my previous behavior. He thinks I am being cold since if he doesn't like something I am doing it anyway. Things like school, replacing my broken computer,spending time with friends, spending fun time with our daughter, putting daughter into childcare when I am in school. Most of these things have something to do with money but we do have the money (in fact we are not using savings for my school since I am bringing in enough money to pay for all of it) and these are things that will have a 'return' on the investment. When I asked him what would be a better time for me to go to school, he doesn't have an answer. Though he says otherwise he doesn't want me to go and his reasons are not clear. He says that it will affect his life too much. I think much of this issue is wrapped up with masculinity, being the wage earner, me being a homemaker with a business that he didn't take seriously.

-He sometimes looks at me with hate. He rebuffs me when I try to give him affection but I don't take it badly. I think that on one hand he thinks that I am the cause/root of all his problems but on the other hand I think he sees me as being strong and a safe person in his world. It is strange since I can tell that he still wants to be around. I have brought up possibilities of an available house he could live at alone for awhile but he doesn't want to do it. I think he finds comfort with the house that I am organizing, our cheerful daughter and myself. My girl and I do homey things all the time like cooking, singing, dancing, reading, and we are now planting a garden.

My friends are concerned for my safety. I understand and I would in their situation. But I feel strong and that I am doing the right thing. That is why I did the Safety Plan, I wanted to set down clear bounderies and have a plan that I would follow without exception. I am sure that he knows that if anything else happens he is OUT and if there is any foot dragging I will call the police. I am doing what is right for myself, my daughter and even for him.

I am taking good care of myself even when he tries to prevent me. (I have back problems and I just got a rolling book bag. He didn't want me to spend the money but I did and I don't feel badly about it since my back is much much better. Also I have a friend of mine staying in the house who is having a difficult time finding a place after a break-up. The rental market is very tough where we live. And even though he doesn't want to have anyone stay besides his family/friends, I said she could stay. Before he had full and absolute veto. Now I talk to other folks, think about the impact, and then decide what is reasonable.) This is very different. I am not asking permission any more. If he was to discuss it or compromise, I am open to it. He is not willing to work things out and so I just make decisions that before, I would just give in to not make waves or upset him. I don't want to upset him but I don't think me NOT doing these things would make him any happier. This might be too fast a change for him but I want to move forward with my life. I want him to be in it but I need to make my life fufilling even without him.

I also wonder if this goes on for months/years whether I will still feel the same about him. I can remember all of our wonderful times. He might not be able to remember any right now. I worry that he will keep trying to get me upset, or to reject him, or convince himself that I am the source of all of him pain... I don't know.

I have to go and do homework. of course. Thank you for all the replies I have read and reread and reread every one. I am grateful for folks listening who understand this topic better than me.


Top
#148772 - 04/04/07 09:08 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gabrielle,

I read through this thread and, to be honest, I am just aghast. Please forgive me if I come across as too blunt.

This whole deal is just so dysfunctional, girl, and in every conceivable way. I mean, where can one even start? Your home is supposed to be safe and secure without a "safety plan", like an explosives factory would have. There's debate over who threw who through the glass, as if the topic is something as trivial as who was the last one to take out the trash. There's sex as often as 9 times a day, which must mean that on those days there's time for nothing else. No excess of violence is beyond the pale, so long as he is full of remorse afterwards. And on and on.

You say your friends are worried about your safety, and so am I. Gabrielle, it may be true that you two click in so many ways, and I don't doubt that he is sorry when he goes out of control. I also feel terrible that his abuse issues are wrecking his life this way. BUT...none of this excuses what's going on. He gets mad, pins your arms and throws you on the floor? You get thrown through the glass because you looked for a checkbook? He freaks and loses it because, as he prepares to bog off for who knows how long, you wonder how you will cope financially? He expects to have complete control in the relationship and you want to negotiate some flexibility in this arrangement? It's okay for him to disappear for a week, which HAS to cost money, but if you need a rolling book bag because of your back, that's a frivolous expense?

I wouldn't mind if you tell me back off asshole you don't even know me, but hey Gabrielle, this is all bullshit from beginning to end. Every line of your post cries out with unmet needs and disregarded feelings, and what you seem to be doing is this: you are accepting all this, deriving satisfaction from minor validating victories, and fleeing from the terrible situation you are in by focusing on HIS needs.

Perhaps worst of all is the way the image of your daughter hovers on the margins of your post, pretty much as she must hover on the fringes of everything that's going on at home. The way all this must be affecting her doesn't seem to be all that significant in the picture you are painting.

I am so glad you are doing things to better and improve yourself, but it still looks to me like you and your daughter are in a very dangerous situation. There isn't a reason in the world why ANY woman should tolerate a man laying hands on her or treating her in the ways that seem to be the norm in your case. The whole situation seems to be eroding your sense of self-worth and esteem like a sand castle in the tide, as if somehow it's your lot in life to live like this or act as house manager through all this mess. What about Gabrielle's needs as a person, as a partner, as a mother, and as a woman?

Trish is right, in my opinion. This is all the stuff that classic abuse scenarios are made of. And what's especially concerning is the fact that if decisive steps aren't taken to pull out of the tailspin it just gets worse.

My apologies Gabrielle - I know this isn't what you want to hear. But I think it's what you need to hear and I hope you will understand I only mean to express sincere concerns.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#149116 - 04/05/07 03:50 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: roadrunner]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
Roadrunner,

I am glad that you replied. I posted here to hear different views and I don't just want folks echoing what I am thinking.

After reading your post, I just want to start saying "but, but...". And list off things that lesson or negate your point. I don't want to be knee-jerk defensive.

I do think that my partner has not been fairly represented by my posts. Due to complexity and time, I have not written about how my husband has been very supportive of me in the past, and even sometimes now. Also you are not hearing about my faults at this time (not that this is any excuse for abuse).

Right now, I feel that this man has been treated very badly and seems to be going through a process of dealing with horrible events from his past. I am standing by him (while trying to take care of myself) because he is an amazing person and I love him.

Everyone makes mistakes. I am being firm that some mistakes can never happen again. Should I leave someone due to this time of facing incest abuse who has been so worthwhile in my life and our daughter's life? He has proven himself in the past in many many ways. Isn't marriage about seeing each other through even when things are difficult and complex?

Would the stereotype of an abused woman say the same thing? Probably, maybe, but I feel that I don't HAVE TO stay with him. I choose to. And with these choices, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I feel that I was choosing let go of my power before and I won't do that again.

None of the physical abuse happened when my daughter was in the house. I spend lots of happy time with her and she is well-adjusted, loving and she loves her life. She knows that Daddy is sad and she tries to comfort him. He lifts out of his depression somewhat around her. He spends a lot of time alone and working on a remodel job and sleeping now so she is not seeing him as much.

I will think about your post some more.

-Gabrielle


Top
#149126 - 04/05/07 04:52 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
gabrielle-

onet hing that was not mention is how when u were a kid u became used to abusive parent. this is how u grew up so you kno nothing different now. is this the life u want for your child as well they kno more than they let on.

i see this in my own life too, that is why I'm able to say this to u.

my older son's first gf was real mean to him. i telled him if she is being mean he needs to get out and find a nice girlfriend. funny how mom should listen t oher own words. survior of csa is not an excuse to be abusive to those around him. i kno this now.

kgm


Top
#149171 - 04/05/07 09:35 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: kgm]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gabrielle,

Yes, it's difficult to present a complex and emotionally fraught situation clearly in a post on a website. I may also be misreading some things you say and putting them together wrong.

I would just urge you to look carefully at the situation: not only what he is doing, but also, and even more importantly, how you are reacting to it. In your second post, for example, you make these points:

1. He was always so wonderful in the past, and sometimes even now.
2. I have faults that cause him to react.
3. He has reasons for his behavior.
4. Everyone makes mistakes.
5. I'm not trapped; I CHOOSE to stay.
6. He has never hurt me when our daughter is at home.

All that may be true, but in many cases these are the classic arguments that a abused partner puts forward to avoid decisive action. It's the kind of stuff that an abused partner often looks back on and asked herself, "What was I thinking?"

I'm not suggesting you should take any particular course of action, but I do think it's important that you be absolutely clear, in your own mind, about what's really going on. If you take a look at the list I made here, for example, all of those six points could be used to justify or explain continuing bad behavior into the indefinite future.

I'm not saying that's what you are doing, but that's a question that does need to be asked. In suggesting that I'm not judging you in any way; I know how abuse can distort our ability to see and think things through as we might otherwise do very easily. I would just say again that your own needs and concerns, and the welfare of your daughter, can't be trumped at every turn by the fact that he has abuse issues.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#151077 - 04/16/07 04:33 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: roadrunner]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
I have been thinking a lot about what Roadrunner has been saying.

Things are very different for me then they have been in the past. I am going through many changes and so is my husband.

I looking at the situation as not coming to a clear conclusion. Things are in transition as both of us work on our issues individualy and together.

I am getting better at dealing with separation and being good to myself. Though my husband doesn't like many of the decisions that I have been making, he has had to accept that things are different now. I am going to take care of myself and that's the way it is.

The safety plan was recommended on other web sites that I have read on abuse. There have been no other incidents. He signed a statement that I wrote saying that if there was anything else physical he would leave and not come back until approved by his counselor. His counselor specializes in men and abuse.

Though he has 'reasons' for what he has done, they are not excuses and can not be used as such. He is still responsible for his actions. As am I.

Two other members of his family have confirmed or refered to sexual abuse going back two generations. It is terrible.

I am looking into my own history. I am writing and reading about child abuse.

I am going to think about all of this some more. I need some sleep though.


Top
#151084 - 04/16/07 07:55 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Gabrielle,

It sounds like you are both really making progress and I am so glad to see this. What strikes me as especially important is where you say this:

Originally Posted By: Gabrielle
I am getting better at dealing with separation and being good to myself. Though my husband doesn't like many of the decisions that I have been making, he has had to accept that things are different now. I am going to take care of myself and that's the way it is.


I think this is such an important foundation to build on, and I also think it will help your husband even if he doesn't see it that way for the time being.

Gabrielle, I can so sympathize with how it must affect you to discover more and more about his family history and to read about the horror that child abuse really is. It must seem like there can be no worse horror yet to discover, and yet, lo and behold, here comes another incredible story. But knowledge is power and the truth is out there whether we know about it or not.

I sometimes marvel at how our partners can find the courage and strength to face how our issues are impacting on them and on our families. I admire you all so very much.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#154285 - 05/04/07 04:16 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: roadrunner]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

Things have gotten worse.

There was an incident where I was telling him that I needed to finish something and that I couldn't have sex yet. He went ahead even though he said he wouldn't.

He is saying that:
-I didn't say no
-He has never done this before
-He stopped when I started crying
-If it is true why am I still with him
-I am just using this to gain advantage of him in a divorce.
-Because I labeled this as sexual asault he just needs to protect himself.

I am moving out in a month.

A divorce is going to be a complete mess. I am so tired. I am so sad for us all, especially my sweet daughter.


Top
#154289 - 05/04/07 05:53 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Gabrielle I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a horrible situation.

As someone who has been in your position, please get away from him as soon as possible. What he did was attempted rape and now he's trying to deny it.

Is it possible for you to stay in your home and get him out? If not, get yourself and your daughter away at the very earliest opportunity.

Divorce will be messy and painful, but not as messy and painful as staying with a man who professes love yet treats you like a hooker.

CSA is horrendous, but it's absolutely no excuse or reason for him to behave in the way he has been.

My thoughts are with you and if you'd like to PM me, I'd be happy to share my experiences with you and suppport you through this unhappy time.

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

Top
#154333 - 05/04/07 11:22 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: soapy bubbles]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Gabrielle,

I'm so glad SB was there with a reply for you early this morning. You need all the support you can get right now.

I am also glad that you are taking this step, and I reiterate what SB said about getting away from him ASAP. I would suggest that you not only get away, but that you go very far away.

My next-door neighbor was killed by her live-in boyfriend in 1997. I will never forget the screaming as she ran outside bleeding from multiple stab wounds, pounding on people's sliding glass doors, wanting someone to let her in. I will never forget the shouting as her "boyfriend" proclaimed he was not going to prison and would not be "another black statistic" and went back to stabbing her. Nor will I forget the three gunshots the police officer who'd arrived on the scene fired into his chest, the sirens of the ambulances taking both of them to the emergency room at 3 a.m., or the next three days with news vans stealing space in our parking lot, or the yellow tape around the crime scene.

I'm sorry to have had to tell you all these things, but she was my friend. She had a name, Tamara Williams, and she had two children. She was working on her teaching degree at the time. I felt guilty for weeks because I had seen her bruised and failed to warn her about Kevin, and I vowed I would never again fail to try to get an abused woman away from her abuser.

If I have scared you, that was my goal. I want you to get as far away as you can. I've seen how these things can end.

Protect yourself.

Much love,
Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

Top
#154339 - 05/04/07 11:51 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Chain Breaker]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Gabrielle,

I too, will reiterate what SB wrote. Beyond that, words fail me at the moment, but I can send a hug your way and remind you that we're all here for you. Please know that.

((((((Gabrielle))))))

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

Top
#154828 - 05/07/07 01:43 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: stride]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

He moved out yesterday.

We agreed to have a no-contact separation for the next month+ until I am done with school. We might review the situation but regardless I am going to move out with my daughter. We will continue to not contact each other until the end on the summer.

I am so exhausted. I am going to bed.


Top
#158983 - 05/29/07 10:03 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: stride]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

My husband and I have been living apart now for three weeks. I don't understand how he has been so cruel to me when I tried to help him and love him. I don't know if I like him anymore. How can I be with someone who has lied, threatened and hurt me.

I am trying to except that my daughter's world will be turned up-side-down and try to figure out how I can soften the blow.

I have a health disability and I don't know how I can swing things financially.

After being abused by my mother, this was my family and now it is destroyed. The next step will probably be him making me and our daughter move out of our home. I am so tired and my heart is broken.


Top
#169724 - 07/30/07 02:06 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

I am just up-dating.Before I was assuming that my daughter and I should move out of our home. Then I decided that it is unfair to make us leave our home when he is the one who is leaving, giving up, not facing up, not getting help...

He is so hot and cold. I thought there was some hope there but he is still deciding whether the relationship is worth putting in effort. He has some deadline in his head about the end of the summer.

I am not in any contact with him since he is so loving or raging. I don't want to be around this since it is so confusing. I know I shouldn't be with him without major changes. Is this at all likely? Probably not. Does anyone have any stories like this with good endings?

I have a friend moving in to help me since my health has been getting worse. I am still trying to go to school and be a good mom.

Please wish me luck or prayers or whatever you got. Thanks.


Top
#169742 - 07/30/07 06:02 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
achris Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/30/07
Posts: 3
I recently found out that my husband was raped. I found out my husband has been using meth for 5 yrs.


Top
#169743 - 07/30/07 06:03 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: achris]
achris Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/30/07
Posts: 3
We have a 17 month old son. I am disabled. My world turned upside down. I thought he was gay. He was really working with local police to catch rapist.


Top
#169744 - 07/30/07 06:07 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: achris]
achris Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/30/07
Posts: 3
He nearly comitted suicide. I filed for divorce just to bring attention to the problem, both his parents are psychologists. No one believed me about the drugs and the craziness at my house that went on for 24hrs a day. I could not leave the house. We have been to counseling but he just ends up walking out and leaving me there.


Top
#169749 - 07/30/07 06:42 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: achris]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Achris:

Hi and welcome to Male Survivor, F&F forum. It sounds as if you have a lot to cope with regarding your life with husband. Your husband was aparently using meth to mask the pain from the rape...he is obviously in a lot of pain.
When you said that you could not leave the house, are you safe now?
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#169751 - 07/30/07 06:55 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Gabrielle:

The harsh reality is that we can not heal for the suvivor, it is all up to them. WE all can however, take charge of our own lives, establish strong boundaries and evolve into a better place. Are you in counseling as well to help you at this time?

I truly realize how difficult this all can be. I had read a posting from a survivor a while back on this forum. He said just because a person is a survivor does not give them the license to take it out on the people in their life. There is so much truth to that statement...we all deserve to be treated with kindness, no matter what the issues of the survivor are.

I offer you support in your struggles.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#169769 - 07/30/07 08:35 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Gabrielle,

Not only do I see alot of my husband in yours, I see so much of myself in you. The only big difference I see is that my husband started drinking after 20 years of sobriety and the violence towards me was only when he was drunk which made it VERY easy for him to minimize the act and unfortunately made it too easy for me to chalk it up to the drinking.

I am a very strong women with a get it done attitude, I don't wallow in depression as my husband does, I have to take action. That's what he needed was my strength, but he also hated my strength. Sound familiar???

He was, or tried to be controlling. I could not go to the antique show with friends for the day without getting 3 phone calls from him, he would be "just checking in". Every job I had he would be convinced that I was having an affair, even at one point a lesbian affair.

He was convinced that he was so unhappy because of me, I didn't give him the love and affection that he needed. My response would always be ths same - you can't be verbally abusive to someone and then expect them to cuddle with you hours later.

I put money down to hold a townhouse to rent for me and my 2 sons, my husband got drunk because I was leaving him and he threw me against a wall and I called the police and had him arrested. That was 2 months ago. He is court ordered to stay away from me and our home.

You ask if this goes on for months/years whether you will still feel the same about him - my answer is that all of these behaviors get really, really old very fast.

You need to look at the same cold hard fact that I had to face - you are in an abusive marriage - plain and simple. You are a victim of domestic violence. As strong women, that is hard to swallow isn't it? I spoke to an attorney the week my husband was arrested and she asked me if he was physically abusive to me and my response was "only when he's been drinking" she VERY sternly said "the answer is YES" she then suggested I contact an agency for abused women. As she was saying these things, my mind was racing " I'm not an abused women" but the fact is - I was.

I went to a website for abused women and there was a chart on the cycle of abuse and damn it if that wasn't what I was living. You ARE in danger and so is your daughter. The fact that you don't trust your husband to watch your daughter while your at school should be a huge red flag to you. Just because you set boundries with your husband doesn't mean that he'll honor them - all it takes is one split second and once a line is crossed, there's no turning back.

I hope I'm not being too harsh, but this is serious. I put too much trust in my husband for years, "he wouldn't hurt me", "he wouldn't hurt our sons". I thought he loved me passionately and was devoted to me, being seperated now I wonder if I was just another one of his addictions.

I made the decision to leave him for many reasons, but the biggest reasons were that he held me back from living and I didn't want my sons to think that this is what a marriage is supposed to be. I want my sons to have the opportunity to have good healthy marriages and I want them to be better men than what their father has become. I chose to not sacrifice myself and my sons for my husband and all of his issues that he was not willing to face.

I feel that you need to take a step back and really look at how you and your daughter are living - is it worth risking that your daughter will more than likely end up in the same type of relationships? You feel that your husband needs you and your strength - he's an adult and CAN take care of himself wheter he chooses to or not, your daughter on the other hand can't take care of herself. She can't make any decisions that effect how she lives. Is her life healthy?

Again, I don't want to be harsh or preach, but this is all the things that I had to face and take action on. You said that your friends fear for your safety - my family was ready to remove me and my son's from our home. Don't discount what your friends are saying to you. I discovered that I had become codependant which means I no longer knew where my husband ended and I began. I became completely wrapped up in him and all of his illness. It took my youngest son having trouble at school to whack me up side my head and open my eyes - HE needed me and so did my other son and I had become too tangled with my husband. I untangled myself and focused on my sons and myself and my husband fought it - I was being cold and unfeeling towards him (sound familiar?) - that eventually gave him free reign to treat me horribly and justify it - "you don't care about my feelings, why should I care about you?".

Please take a cold hard look at all of this.

Feel free to Private Message me if you like - our stories are really similar.

Your in my prayers

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

Top
#169779 - 07/30/07 09:28 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Savemyfamily:

IT took great inner strength to step up to embrace change and remove yourself from an abusive situation. I applaud you for putting your son's first and wanting better for them as well as yourself.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#169786 - 07/30/07 09:53 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks S-n-S !!!!! I feel great about it! Again had to unwrap myself from my husband who is still trying to suck me back in, but I'm not falling for it. HE needs to fix himself and he has to do it all on his own now. Cruel sounding but he mistreated me when I was "hanging in there" for him, so now he has to travel that path on his own.

Gabrielle - I had not read the entire thread, so when I responded I did not realize that your husband had left. A few thoughts for you. I know it's hard but everyday it will get better. I played mind games with myself at one point "was it really all that bad?" - yes it was and going back to that life is NOT an option.

You said that your daughters life will be turned upside down because he's gone - her life WAS upside down when you were together. Believe me, she was not shielded by what was going on in the home, she knew.

Stay tough and stay firm - YOU CAN DO IT!!!! I swear you can. Proceed forward for you and your daughter and build a healthy life for yourselves. If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your daughter. Give her the tools to break the chain of abuse, don't let that be her legacy.

Get yourself in a good support group and get counseling for your daughter. Don't worry too much about how your going to afford your house, pay bills etc., that all seems to fall into place. I was and still am unemployed when my husband was arrested - it has all started to fall into place for me. If it hadn't, leaving our home would have been hard but my sons and I would be together and that's all that matters - the material things are just that - material.

Believe me, I went through it all. I'm now to the point that I'm excited about life and rebuilding for me and my sons. I'm in a great support group through my church called Celebrate Recovery which is a national program if your interested. It focuses on RECOVERING for ME. Nothing to do with him and his issues. It gets to the root of the problem so I don't repeat any of this ever again.

Be tough and be strong girl!!! I know you can do it - YOU are worth it. So is your daughter. We'll help each other get through it!!

Day by day and today is good!!!!

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

Top
#169810 - 07/30/07 10:54 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear SMF,
All I can say is, Wow. You write with great clarity and directness about what you have gone through and what your plans are. I admire your courage in facing up to your situation and taking action to change it. I wish you and your sons all the best in moving ahead.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#169811 - 07/30/07 10:58 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Gabrielle,
I will put you and your daughter in my prayers.
Meanwhile, it sounds like you are sad and weary but resolute. Good for you for getting help. It does not have to stay this difficult; things can improve. You are on the right path.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#169872 - 07/30/07 02:31 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: honey girl]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Honey Girl !!!!

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

Top
#323845 - 03/02/10 08:49 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: savemyfam]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10
Hello to All,

I haven't been here in such a long time. It is sobering to think that we have been going through more of the same. There hasn't been any more sexual assault and there has been one pushing me down incident over the past few years. But the up and down roller coaster has still been going on.

I moved out with my daughter and we are living at a temporary place.

My husband and I are going to Imago couples counseling with an amazing therapist who challenges him and does amazing work. Well, she makes us do amazing work.

I have been reading the book "Why does He do That?" and I have a much higher standard. The book is very insightful about bad counseling that encourages abuse and I think that the counseling we have is useful regardless of our commitment outcome.

However I am still sleeping with him. This might not be a great boundary but the connection reminds me of why I should bother to keep trying. That is not the only reason- I see him try and change. He takes care of me when I am sick.

But of course I am confused. I don't know how this will end.

When I am hopeful we make plans to live together again. But I realize that he is not ready.

He is not going to counseling.

However another development is that his mother has told me that his sister sexually assaulted by 20 years by her father- starting as an infant. I believe this is true for all the kids to a certain extent.

I am going to counseling. But I am at a low point. Earlier someone wrote about my self-esteem=sandcastle with an incoming tide. That is correct.

This is disjointed but I will post later. It is good for me to write this stuff down. Should I choose hope and love and compassion...and if so for whom and are they mutually exclusive?

-Gabrielle


Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.