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#154828 - 05/07/07 01:43 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: stride]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

He moved out yesterday.

We agreed to have a no-contact separation for the next month+ until I am done with school. We might review the situation but regardless I am going to move out with my daughter. We will continue to not contact each other until the end on the summer.

I am so exhausted. I am going to bed.


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#158983 - 05/29/07 10:03 PM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: stride]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

My husband and I have been living apart now for three weeks. I don't understand how he has been so cruel to me when I tried to help him and love him. I don't know if I like him anymore. How can I be with someone who has lied, threatened and hurt me.

I am trying to except that my daughter's world will be turned up-side-down and try to figure out how I can soften the blow.

I have a health disability and I don't know how I can swing things financially.

After being abused by my mother, this was my family and now it is destroyed. The next step will probably be him making me and our daughter move out of our home. I am so tired and my heart is broken.


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#169724 - 07/30/07 02:06 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
Gabrielle Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 10

I am just up-dating.Before I was assuming that my daughter and I should move out of our home. Then I decided that it is unfair to make us leave our home when he is the one who is leaving, giving up, not facing up, not getting help...

He is so hot and cold. I thought there was some hope there but he is still deciding whether the relationship is worth putting in effort. He has some deadline in his head about the end of the summer.

I am not in any contact with him since he is so loving or raging. I don't want to be around this since it is so confusing. I know I shouldn't be with him without major changes. Is this at all likely? Probably not. Does anyone have any stories like this with good endings?

I have a friend moving in to help me since my health has been getting worse. I am still trying to go to school and be a good mom.

Please wish me luck or prayers or whatever you got. Thanks.


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#169742 - 07/30/07 06:02 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
achris Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/30/07
Posts: 3
I recently found out that my husband was raped. I found out my husband has been using meth for 5 yrs.


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#169743 - 07/30/07 06:03 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: achris]
achris Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/30/07
Posts: 3
We have a 17 month old son. I am disabled. My world turned upside down. I thought he was gay. He was really working with local police to catch rapist.


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#169744 - 07/30/07 06:07 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: achris]
achris Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/30/07
Posts: 3
He nearly comitted suicide. I filed for divorce just to bring attention to the problem, both his parents are psychologists. No one believed me about the drugs and the craziness at my house that went on for 24hrs a day. I could not leave the house. We have been to counseling but he just ends up walking out and leaving me there.


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#169749 - 07/30/07 06:42 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: achris]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Achris:

Hi and welcome to Male Survivor, F&F forum. It sounds as if you have a lot to cope with regarding your life with husband. Your husband was aparently using meth to mask the pain from the rape...he is obviously in a lot of pain.
When you said that you could not leave the house, are you safe now?
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#169751 - 07/30/07 06:55 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: sweet-n-sour]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Gabrielle:

The harsh reality is that we can not heal for the suvivor, it is all up to them. WE all can however, take charge of our own lives, establish strong boundaries and evolve into a better place. Are you in counseling as well to help you at this time?

I truly realize how difficult this all can be. I had read a posting from a survivor a while back on this forum. He said just because a person is a survivor does not give them the license to take it out on the people in their life. There is so much truth to that statement...we all deserve to be treated with kindness, no matter what the issues of the survivor are.

I offer you support in your struggles.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#169769 - 07/30/07 08:35 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: Gabrielle]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Gabrielle,

Not only do I see alot of my husband in yours, I see so much of myself in you. The only big difference I see is that my husband started drinking after 20 years of sobriety and the violence towards me was only when he was drunk which made it VERY easy for him to minimize the act and unfortunately made it too easy for me to chalk it up to the drinking.

I am a very strong women with a get it done attitude, I don't wallow in depression as my husband does, I have to take action. That's what he needed was my strength, but he also hated my strength. Sound familiar???

He was, or tried to be controlling. I could not go to the antique show with friends for the day without getting 3 phone calls from him, he would be "just checking in". Every job I had he would be convinced that I was having an affair, even at one point a lesbian affair.

He was convinced that he was so unhappy because of me, I didn't give him the love and affection that he needed. My response would always be ths same - you can't be verbally abusive to someone and then expect them to cuddle with you hours later.

I put money down to hold a townhouse to rent for me and my 2 sons, my husband got drunk because I was leaving him and he threw me against a wall and I called the police and had him arrested. That was 2 months ago. He is court ordered to stay away from me and our home.

You ask if this goes on for months/years whether you will still feel the same about him - my answer is that all of these behaviors get really, really old very fast.

You need to look at the same cold hard fact that I had to face - you are in an abusive marriage - plain and simple. You are a victim of domestic violence. As strong women, that is hard to swallow isn't it? I spoke to an attorney the week my husband was arrested and she asked me if he was physically abusive to me and my response was "only when he's been drinking" she VERY sternly said "the answer is YES" she then suggested I contact an agency for abused women. As she was saying these things, my mind was racing " I'm not an abused women" but the fact is - I was.

I went to a website for abused women and there was a chart on the cycle of abuse and damn it if that wasn't what I was living. You ARE in danger and so is your daughter. The fact that you don't trust your husband to watch your daughter while your at school should be a huge red flag to you. Just because you set boundries with your husband doesn't mean that he'll honor them - all it takes is one split second and once a line is crossed, there's no turning back.

I hope I'm not being too harsh, but this is serious. I put too much trust in my husband for years, "he wouldn't hurt me", "he wouldn't hurt our sons". I thought he loved me passionately and was devoted to me, being seperated now I wonder if I was just another one of his addictions.

I made the decision to leave him for many reasons, but the biggest reasons were that he held me back from living and I didn't want my sons to think that this is what a marriage is supposed to be. I want my sons to have the opportunity to have good healthy marriages and I want them to be better men than what their father has become. I chose to not sacrifice myself and my sons for my husband and all of his issues that he was not willing to face.

I feel that you need to take a step back and really look at how you and your daughter are living - is it worth risking that your daughter will more than likely end up in the same type of relationships? You feel that your husband needs you and your strength - he's an adult and CAN take care of himself wheter he chooses to or not, your daughter on the other hand can't take care of herself. She can't make any decisions that effect how she lives. Is her life healthy?

Again, I don't want to be harsh or preach, but this is all the things that I had to face and take action on. You said that your friends fear for your safety - my family was ready to remove me and my son's from our home. Don't discount what your friends are saying to you. I discovered that I had become codependant which means I no longer knew where my husband ended and I began. I became completely wrapped up in him and all of his illness. It took my youngest son having trouble at school to whack me up side my head and open my eyes - HE needed me and so did my other son and I had become too tangled with my husband. I untangled myself and focused on my sons and myself and my husband fought it - I was being cold and unfeeling towards him (sound familiar?) - that eventually gave him free reign to treat me horribly and justify it - "you don't care about my feelings, why should I care about you?".

Please take a cold hard look at all of this.

Feel free to Private Message me if you like - our stories are really similar.

Your in my prayers

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#169779 - 07/30/07 09:28 AM Re: Just figured out husband was abused. very long [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Savemyfamily:

IT took great inner strength to step up to embrace change and remove yourself from an abusive situation. I applaud you for putting your son's first and wanting better for them as well as yourself.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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