Not only do I see alot of my husband in yours, I see so much of myself in you. The only big difference I see is that my husband started drinking after 20 years of sobriety and the violence towards me was only when he was drunk which made it VERY easy for him to minimize the act and unfortunately made it too easy for me to chalk it up to the drinking.
I am a very strong women with a get it done attitude, I don't wallow in depression as my husband does, I have to take action. That's what he needed was my strength, but he also hated my strength. Sound familiar???
He was, or tried to be controlling. I could not go to the antique show with friends for the day without getting 3 phone calls from him, he would be "just checking in". Every job I had he would be convinced that I was having an affair, even at one point a lesbian affair.
He was convinced that he was so unhappy because of me, I didn't give him the love and affection that he needed. My response would always be ths same - you can't be verbally abusive to someone and then expect them to cuddle with you hours later.
I put money down to hold a townhouse to rent for me and my 2 sons, my husband got drunk because I was leaving him and he threw me against a wall and I called the police and had him arrested. That was 2 months ago. He is court ordered to stay away from me and our home.
You ask if this goes on for months/years whether you will still feel the same about him - my answer is that all of these behaviors get really, really old very fast.
You need to look at the same cold hard fact that I had to face - you are in an abusive marriage - plain and simple. You are a victim of domestic violence. As strong women, that is hard to swallow isn't it? I spoke to an attorney the week my husband was arrested and she asked me if he was physically abusive to me and my response was "only when he's been drinking" she VERY sternly said "the answer is YES" she then suggested I contact an agency for abused women. As she was saying these things, my mind was racing " I'm not an abused women" but the fact is - I was.
I went to a website for abused women and there was a chart on the cycle of abuse and damn it if that wasn't what I was living. You ARE in danger and so is your daughter. The fact that you don't trust your husband to watch your daughter while your at school should be a huge red flag to you. Just because you set boundries with your husband doesn't mean that he'll honor them - all it takes is one split second and once a line is crossed, there's no turning back.
I hope I'm not being too harsh, but this is serious. I put too much trust in my husband for years, "he wouldn't hurt me", "he wouldn't hurt our sons". I thought he loved me passionately and was devoted to me, being seperated now I wonder if I was just another one of his addictions.
I made the decision to leave him for many reasons, but the biggest reasons were that he held me back from living and I didn't want my sons to think that this is what a marriage is supposed to be. I want my sons to have the opportunity to have good healthy marriages and I want them to be better men than what their father has become. I chose to not sacrifice myself and my sons for my husband and all of his issues that he was not willing to face.
I feel that you need to take a step back and really look at how you and your daughter are living - is it worth risking that your daughter will more than likely end up in the same type of relationships? You feel that your husband needs you and your strength - he's an adult and CAN take care of himself wheter he chooses to or not, your daughter on the other hand can't take care of herself. She can't make any decisions that effect how she lives. Is her life healthy?
Again, I don't want to be harsh or preach, but this is all the things that I had to face and take action on. You said that your friends fear for your safety - my family was ready to remove me and my son's from our home. Don't discount what your friends are saying to you. I discovered that I had become codependant which means I no longer knew where my husband ended and I began. I became completely wrapped up in him and all of his illness. It took my youngest son having trouble at school to whack me up side my head and open my eyes - HE needed me and so did my other son and I had become too tangled with my husband. I untangled myself and focused on my sons and myself and my husband fought it - I was being cold and unfeeling towards him (sound familiar?) - that eventually gave him free reign to treat me horribly and justify it - "you don't care about my feelings, why should I care about you?".
Please take a cold hard look at all of this.
Feel free to Private Message me if you like - our stories are really similar.
Your in my prayers
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.