Newest Members
SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo
12486 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Can-tex (45), cbchorn (41)
Who's Online
7 registered (L84, aniceguy, bluesky, 4 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12487 Members
74 Forums
64151 Topics
447622 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#145966 - 03/18/07 03:55 PM Was this abuse? Am I a victim?
lpp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 1
I'm new to this, I tried to search for a similar question but had trouble. The nagging question in my mind is about my young childhood. We moved to a new city when I was 5-6 and I'm not sure when but around that age or maybe 7 the boy next door who is about 3 years older than me would touch etc me and this eventually led to regular sexual contact (just fondling) until I was probably 13 or so. Was I taken advantage of? I can't remember my feelings/thoughts from early on but later was a willing participant I guess. Have been plauged by guilt ever since. Is "fooling around" like this normal? I have problems with depression, anxiety, I don't really get along with guys, I'd rather be friends with girls. I'm hetrosexual, I struggled with that for a few years but am now confident with my sexuality (getting married to a wonderful woman in 6 weeks)I feel like my story is very mild conpared to what alot of you have been through. Anyone else have this situation. Thanks.


Top
#145967 - 03/18/07 04:04 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: lpp]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11174
Loc: Denver, CO
lpp,

Welcome to the site. You'll find some pretty cool people here who can relate to what you're asking about.

Regarding what happened when you were little, the boy next door was definitely crossing boundaries he wasn't supposed to. It's possible he was abused by someone himself, however your boundaries were definitely crossed and this should not have been.

Congrats on your engagement!

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#145972 - 03/18/07 04:09 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: FormerTexan]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
You describe the symptoms of abuse, and if it affects you, it is, but welcome,

ste


Top
#145973 - 03/18/07 04:12 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: FormerTexan]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
lpp,

Your story, although you consider it to be mild, is none the less about abuse, and abuse is devastating. There are a number of reasons you cold be suffering the self-described problems with depression, anxiety, and lack of social skills with men, not the least of which is the sexual abuse issue you've shared with us. It's not the supposed severity that matters, it's the very fact that it happened that can so devastate our lives.

Welcome to this place, Friend. I hope you find here men who share your experience. There's nothing more powerful than finding a group of people who know how it feels to experience these things.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#145974 - 03/18/07 04:17 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: FormerTexan]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Ipp - "normal" behaviors would be "I'll show you mine if you..." etc. usually occur around 5-6 yrs old perhaps a bit older; is usually a limited time and not until you're 13. His early abuse on you could lead you to think you were a "willing" participant. [I don't think you were]. If that has caused you to reflect, wonder, feel guilt or shame, these can be the residue from that early experience of abuse. The odd thing is whether it's 5 minutes, 5 years or more...the similar symptoms arise.

Congratulations on getting married!! However, you may want to look around the site more looking as a sexually abused kid, touch base with a counselor/therapist, read some books, ask more questions, see if others have been abused in similar ways and how they dealt with it or a host of options. But I would control my panic not overly react. These things are resolvable!

Keep posting..asking..searching!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#145983 - 03/18/07 04:58 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: ScottyTodd]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6601
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Wow LLP,

I'm impressed that you are taking such a pro-active postion on this at SUCH a pivotal time in your life. Congrats on you pending wedding!!!

You asked the right question here...

In my never-to-be-humble opinion...it was abuse.

You'll do well at dealing with this too!

Again...I'm impressed!!!!

Rob

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

Top
#145990 - 03/18/07 05:58 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: Still]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Welcome Ipp,

I salute your courage and candor in sharing your story and your question. The truth is that we can't tell you whether or not you were abused. That is a determination you have to make for yourself. What I can tell you is that your story has all the hallmarks of abuse, and the emotional symptoms you've described are certainly common among those of us in this "fraternity".

Let me stress, and I know my brothers will back me up on this - There is NO hierarchy of abuse. There is no litmus test for a survivor here. No one of us is "more abused" than another. I was only touched once by my abuser, but the effects of my experience have been just as pronounced and difficult as the those faced by many of my friends here whose abuse was an extended experience.

Lastly, I also congratualte you on your upcoming nuptuals. That said, don't be surprised if you find yourself struggling with feelings of intimacy and trust as you get closer to the wedding and immediately thereafter. I was recently divorced, and I now see that one of the things that undermined my marriage was the fact that I was unaware of the depth to which my abuse affected me. I hope that this will not be the case for you, but know that it's possible, and it may be something to discuss with your fiance now so that you don't carry it with you into your marriage.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
#145995 - 03/18/07 06:54 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Welcome Ipp,

Congratulations on the wedding. I've been married almost six years and I have a wonderful and curious about the world three and a half year old son. My wife is so great too. With out her I am not sure that I would have the strength to endure.

Sounds to me like you were abused also. Like tartugas stated there is no litmus test. Pain and abuse are what they are and no here is going rate your severity. When I first began to post I felt and still do to a certain degree that I don't have the right to post because I haven't endured what others have. Not to the same extent anyway.

However, I was sexually abused and the fear, anger, confusion, guilt and shame are all still inside. Regardless of my experience and yours we all have the right to feel open here. please share as much as you feel like you can. You are welcome here.

By-the-way, have you disclosed this to your fiance?

Blessings.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

Top
#145997 - 03/18/07 07:49 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: lpp]
Aidanchase Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 83
Loc: Vancouver, BC
Welcome Ipp, I agree with the others on the fact the severety is not what is in question the fact that you were uncomfortable in the situation and he was using power over you says to me you did not want to do this and it was wrong to happen.

You are a very brave individual to find this site and reach out with this question. Congratulations on the engagement that is awesome. Welcome and keep asking questions hopefully you will find the answers you need.


Top
#146014 - 03/18/07 09:16 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: Aidanchase]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Sorry that you have join us, but welcome just he same.

I hope you can find comforted here amongst us.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

Top
#146210 - 03/20/07 09:56 AM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: TNuss]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Lpp,

I’m glad you found us.

Let me point out a few points that I think are already obvious to you:

• you sought out and found a site like this and a group of guys like us
• you feel you were abused
• you identify your uneasiness around males (same gender as your abuser)
• you acknowledge the [potential] abuser had authority and power over you and was older than you
• you feel guilt that perhaps you were a willing participant
• you have blocked out feelings of the events
• you feel anxious and depression at times
• you grappled with your own sexual identity

And here’s the kicker……you think you’re all alone in feeling like this because you’re asking if anyone else can identify with ANY of this!!

Well, I just put big, fat, ticks alongside EVERY one of those points above and I pretty much know most of the guys who have responded to your post so far and they would too. I can also guess a handful of the guys who will probably also reply within the next few days and they will also be able to “tick all the boxes”.

Lpp, as has been said, if you feel what was done to you was inappropriate and was abusive then it was. For the money, I think it was and I think you do too.

This is one of the best, if not THE BEST places you can find on the web for help and caring support and friendship.

Welcome.


Top
#146282 - 03/20/07 05:34 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: Grunty1967b]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
lpp,

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and if it takes a big turd on your life like a duck; I would call it a duck.

But you are the one that has to decide if it was a duck. The mere fact that you here asking the question are might offer you some insight to how you feel about it. If you will some time reading the post here, you will quickly find out, the "severity" of the abuse does not in any way diminish the affects of it.

keep reading, keep asking questions.

GW

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

Top
#146337 - 03/21/07 12:32 AM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: lpp]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

By all the posts above, I am sure you would have confirmed your doubts by now, regarding your childhood abuse and now looking at remedial measures to be taken, before you embark on a new journey of life - marriage. My best wishes for that, you deserve all the happiness and joy.

Let me add that mine start similarly though with a boy same age and also an elder man. Both compounded the affects of each other, and later it all snowballed into abusive episodes with both.

Even exposure to porn as a child can have an equally devastating effecting effect on a child's mind.

Anytime a child is exposed to a sexual experience or feeling before he is ready to do so can be considered an abuse of his right to choose as he didn't get to choose, even though it might have felt normal or appropriate and even consensual at that time. It is abuse of our freewill, all right. That is why, most abuse victims have an issue with saying No, because once they couldn't and hence take the entire life time learning when to say no, and when to say yes as well. That is the flip side of the problem we take so much power from denial of others and ourselves that we often forget to say yes to the right situation and people, who enter into our lives as healing agents and simple agents of change.

BY the way, the timing for this revelation is so appropriate, as now you would enter in this new phase of your life with greater awareness, and healed.



_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.