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#145791 - 03/17/07 01:34 PM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: Morning Star]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11047
Loc: Denver, CO
Good statement, Star.

I'll tell you what, if I was to do "eye for an eye" on my perps, then I would be them. And I will Never be anything like them. I would rather be hung than do what any of them did to me.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#145794 - 03/17/07 01:44 PM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: FormerTexan]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Eye for an eye can be wonderful idea though the only problem with it, is that it would turn us into race of blinds, each filled with equal darkness.

We need more lightness here and less of darkness. And freedom from darkness needs courage on our part to forgive. It is ultimate sign of strength. Just as strength is not in withstanding in strongest winds like the grand oak, but to sneak out like even though there is snow all around, like the cherry blossom.

For years, I thought that my strength was in NOT breakingdown, as that was sign of ultimate weakness, and it took me many years of failings to understand that it takes courage to breakdown. As each breakdown has the possibility of a breakthrough.

For years I was busy only trying to new coping mechanisms to keep it all together, rather than find ways to heal. That is why for so many years I too was stuck with my past and its anger, pride and thoughts of revenge floated in and out of my mind night and day.

Perhaps I still want to be strong.

Little did I realise then that my weakest moment would turn out to my strongest.

As it was my state of undeniable and utter powerlessness that gave me the strength to surrender to the light within, and ask for His help, that moment He became my strength, and I understood what is the true meaning of healing - to become whole, to meet my wholeness, in my divine Self.

And that was my turnaround point.

Till then I wanted to do it on my own. What is humanly impossible, God makes it possible, and we call it a miracle.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#145813 - 03/17/07 03:46 PM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: Morning Star]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
somehow this post went back to saying anger is hurting us. anger is bad and you feel sorry for the ones that are angry. i just dont understand how anyone can think about their abuse and not feel anger. i know we are al;l different and if people dont feel anger thats cool,but then what do you feel? nothing? is that healing or staying the same? i get anger boiling in me when i think about what happened to all of you! maybe someday i wont be mad about what happened to me ,i'll always be mad about what happened to you.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#145814 - 03/17/07 03:48 PM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: shadowkid]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Morning Star - Thank you for writing this, I know just what you mean:

"it took me many years of failings to understand that it takes courage to breakdown."


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#145871 - 03/18/07 12:07 AM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: lostandconfused]
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Looking over this topic prompted me to spew forth some brain voimit in my journal, (it's topicly relevent, as my anger is something that I've been giving some though to lately.) Anyway, I felt it was worth sharing, even if you all may not. \:\)

-Eric
---
I'm an angry guy.

I try not to let that spill over to others. I try really hard not to snap at people, I try not to bring others down when I'm really angry, and if I can't I just avoid being around people, because I don't want to be a total asshole that embarrasses his friends.

Anger is one of my coping mechanisims. It works. It keeps people at arms length, becuase no one wants to be around somone whos pissed off all the time. It's also part of what is keeping me so lonely. And it isn't as though my anger isn't justified. Beyond even the many and varied shit sandwiches I've had to eat througout my life, as well as seeing those I care about be served their own with no recourse, the word is just a shitty place. The old saying "if you aren't pissed then you aren't paying attention" is true!

But I don't want to be bitter. Even more, my anger is a part of who I am now. I have a temper. It's part of who I am, who I am expected to be. My friends and I joke about it. That's just me.

I look back and I think I can see when my anger started. I have vivid images of second grade (both of them.) Kicking the walls in frustrated rage, hurling a desk at a kid who pissed me off (though I couldn't tell you for the life of me what he did), screaming at a teacher (I don't know why), being so pissed off that I whipped open a locker door and accidently hit a girl in the face with it (I actually feel really bad about that one, even at the time I immediately apologized for all I was worth.)

I don't know if I was angry before that. I don't have any reccolections of doing shit like that before second grade.

It was the year I was forcilby picked up and moved away from everything I ever knew. It started a bad attidude because I didn't want to move. It was also the grade when I was being raped.

I couldn't rail against him. I don't even think I knew to. After all, he liked me and WANTED to hang out with me when no one else did. But I sure could rail against everything and everyone else that didn't just leave me the fuck alone. In the span of a year my tiny little world as I knew it had gone to shit, and I was pissed damnit!

My world continued on a downword spiral ever since. My mother drank too much, shacked up with an emotionally abusive scumbag, drank more to escape, my life continued on, slowly getting worse, more confused, more out of control. Why the fuck shouldn't I be pissed.

Two years away from my mother and her chaos, even lessened though it was once she finally got rid of the scumbag, is what it took me to truely realize not just where my anger started, but why it continued. Why it endured and why it became so engrained in me.

My shrink tells me there are physical effects to my anger. That's probably true. But I don't know how to let it go. Not only has it kept me safe and most others at arms length, but I'm right! My anger is righteous! I'm angry at the apathy of the world. At the people who look the other way when a kid is hurt, or the fuckers who hurt a kid in the first place, or the guy who would rob an old lady, on and on these examples of bad people go. I want to hurt all these people: badly. I fantasize about taking a piece of shit like this and pummeling his face into ground chuck with a lead pipe. I want to hurt bad people, all of them, very, very brutally. But that just doesn't get me anywhere, becuase I can't. It's not feasable, and it's not moral.

So I guess I should try to find a way to not be angry. But I don't know how. I don't know if I want to. If no one is angry for the people who are getting routinely shit on and hurt in this world, it'll continue. Then again, it continues anyway, so what does my rage matter except to poison me? Is it a poison? It's always felt like a salve...sorta.

The worst part is, even if I knew I wanted to get past my rage and let go of my anger, I wouldn't know how.

And that just pisses me off.


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#145872 - 03/18/07 12:22 AM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: ecb]
mack Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/07/07
Posts: 101
Loc: new mexico
ecb, I feel exactly what you are saying. I wish I could put it in my own words. Your words will have to do for now. Thank you for your post

_________________________
mack

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#145873 - 03/18/07 12:33 AM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: mack]
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
Thanks for sharing that ecb. You hit the nail on the head.

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#145901 - 03/18/07 03:27 AM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: jamie']
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
What this discussion illustrates for me is the fact that we're all in a different place. It also illustrates better than any thread I've read on the subject in the 18+ months I've been here exactly what a fantastic bunch of guys inhabit this place. Andrei, Eddie, Former Texan, Dwayne, Lostandconfused, jamie, Nobby mack, Adam, and all the rest of you guys are some of most courageous, gentle, strong, loving men I've ever known. Is it any wonder I keep coming back?

Thanks so very much for being you!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#145918 - 03/18/07 10:32 AM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: WalkingSouth]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
That's probably true. But I don't know how to let it go. Not only has it kept me safe and most others at arms length, but I'm right! My anger is righteous!


Then explain why you're left feeling impotent to stop the things in the world that make you angry.

A guy I know likes to say that anger is useful for about 10 seconds, and then you put it away and get to work. Going around feeling angry at all the injustice of the world will only serve to drive you crazy. And the world has plenty of horrors to throw at you, so you will never escape injustice. If you really want to make a change, stop going around fuming about everything, calm down, and get to work helping to fix some of the problems.

Ecb, here's what I suggest. Go to a local charity, preferably one that works with children or people with disabilities, (like the YMCA) and sign up as a volunteer. I think that you will find the experience very enlightening.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#145920 - 03/18/07 11:44 AM Re: Thoughts of Revenge [Re: Nobbynobs]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
because its illegal to use my gun thats why i feel impotent to stop the the insanity. guess i could wait for god to punish them but im not wasting my time waiting on god for anything ,10 years of waitingg is enough ,yes?

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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