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#145830 - 03/17/07 04:59 PM Desperate mommy just wants to vent
junecarter Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 5
I'd like to delete this, I think he will get more help from this site than I will and I want to tell him about it. Thanks for everyone's input.



Edited by junecarter (03/18/07 01:02 AM)

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#145832 - 03/17/07 05:16 PM Re: Desperate mommy just wants to vent [Re: junecarter]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Sorry for all the pain you are going through.
If you choose to stay with him you are in for a long difficult road. Sorry to say that but it is true. I have been dealing with this stuff for 2 years. Having a child makes it even more complicated. If you are worried that he is abusive or unsafe to be around, you need to find a safe place for you and your child. You need to take care of yourself and your child first. When you have time (right like you have any spare time right now) read the other posts and buy some of the suggested books. This is very hard stuff to deal with...you might want to find a therapist for yourself too. He is just beginning his recovery. It doesn't sound like he can be there for you right now. Maybe in the future he will come around, but right now take care of yourself.


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#145835 - 03/17/07 05:30 PM Re: Desperate mommy just wants to vent [Re: junecarter]
villain Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 1
i understand your hubbys behaviour.this is my 1st time saying anything in this room,im a lad of 25 who when i was 9 allowed myself to be abused so that my little sister would be left alone,my missus kim sent in a few words and some body replied that us lads seem abuse the people we love because maybe we cant get to the people that have hurt us in the past,i for one know and can 100% verify that this is true.ive married the most wonderful,beautiful woman that god himself has created,and she in turn has made me the father of 4 of the most gorgeous kids you could ever wish to see.i wish i could get my hands on the guy that ruined my life,ive put up with all i can and why should my wife suffer for my past.i tell myself ''grow up you prick,time to be a man'etc.and i do stand up,but you cant expect somebody to be proud of you til your proud of yourself,im sorry im chatting shite.i do it so well.but you lads will understand where im coming from.just please understand,if its your sister,your daughter,your mum,your wife,your kids,your son,their life is better for having you in it,it took me a while to know that but heyho,lifes brilliant.the worlds always a better place for having you in it take care \:D


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#145843 - 03/17/07 06:23 PM Re: Desperate mommy just wants to vent [Re: junecarter]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
junecarter,

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I truly feel for all 3 of you.

There's a couple of points I'd like to make here. First would be the fact that whatever you do, you need to set some boundaries that tell him there is certain behavior that you will not tolerate and will result in action taken on your part to protect your own interests and that of your son. To me those boundaries would mean cheating with another person as well as any form of physical violence to you or your son.

2nd would be the fact that many of us men have experienced sexual identity issues as a result of the things that happened to us. That is not the same as saying that we're gay. It only means that the abuse left us in a confused state in regards to sexuality for any number of reasons which are probably not material to this discussion at the moment.

3rd would be that Just because he has abuse issues in his past does not mean that he will become an abuser, or that sexual identity issues will make him and abuser of your son. It does mean that statistically he'll have a slightly higher chance of becoming an abuser, but by far the majority of abused boys NEVER go on to become abusers. You are correct in being concerned about the possibilities, obviously, and you need to take the steps necessary for protection of the child and yourself.

You have our concern and sympathy. There's lots of good folk here who have a tremendous insight into these issues. Please continue to hang out with us and ask questions.

I'd like to recommend a couple of books for you to read.

Abused Boys by Mic Hunter
Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

These books will help you to understand us guys and what we go through as a result of the terrible things that happened to us. You an get them from Amazon.com by clicking on the Bookstore link on the MaleSurvivor home page.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#145927 - 03/18/07 12:23 PM Re: Desperate mommy just wants to vent [Re: WalkingSouth]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
JC,

You had deleted your original post by the time I came in this morning, but I have a pretty good feeling what the jist of it was. Sadly, the dynamics at play in your situation are not unique. Happily, many of the wonderful people here have been down the road before, and we all feel for you and for your family's pain.

I'd like to offer two things. First, don't ever feel ashamed of anything you say here. This is a private community and your privacy is sacrosanct. Sometimes you need to vent, and that's okay. No one will judge you for it (if they do send them my way...). In keeping with John's wonderful suggestions, I would say that givnig oyurself this space to open up and spill is a part of you establishing your boundaries in a healthy way.

Second (and please forgive the shameless, self-serving plug) if you haven't yet read the post I put up called "Some words from a survivor" please check it out. I've been told by a lot of people that it's really helped them to begin to see things a little more clearly.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#146106 - 03/19/07 05:17 PM Re: Desperate mommy just wants to vent [Re: tartugas]
junecarter Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 5
Thanks. I read your post and was happy to see that I have pretty much been doing all of those things. I am as supportive as I can be but I also call him out when his behaviour is unacceptable. I also try to remind him that it's his actions that I am angry about but I still love the person he is under all the pain. I think I may have been a little bit hasty in posting the other day, I was just having a bad day and happy I found a place where I could vent my own frustrations. But after seeing the support that he could get from a place like this I decided that he needs it more than me. I will probably still come here and post occasionaly but when he gets back into town I want to (gently) offer this forum for him to read. We had a good talk a few hours after I posted that and I told him I found a forum that looks promising to help me cope with my end and it may help him too if he wants to check it out, he seemed interested. Wonder if he will guess my screen name? haha It's ok though, as hard as this road is sometimes he always comes back to me and is willing to have a serious conversation and we are always making progress, slowly but surely. Thanks everyone for being a part of it.


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#146133 - 03/19/07 08:26 PM Re: Desperate mommy just wants to vent [Re: junecarter]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June,

I'm sorry I missed your post, but know that we're here.

ROCK ON.......Trish

PS: I don't know if anyone read what I initilly wrote, but it was in response to the wrong post. I caught it pretty quickly, but I'm sorry if I confused anyone.




Edited by Trish4850 (03/19/07 08:30 PM)
_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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