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#14563 - 04/22/06 08:41 PM Wishing life away!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I guess days and weeks just seem to fly by.
Depression is probably the cause of that, and I get mad at myself, for all the things I put off, then forget to even do.

I think of something I would love to do, then find 100 ways to say dont do it.
Lack of motivation is what causes it.
Not being able to work adds to it.

I guess though, I was burning the candle each end, and the middle too in the past.
I just am glad that a lot of stressors are now in the past, and wonder how I had the strength to endure what I was going through.

This also flashes back into the past distance, when I found myself wishing I was older, every day of the week.
I needed to be bigger and stronger to face abusers.

I was thinking just now, my abusive brother is in my home, and I dont exist in his eyes, never did.
He is boasting about going on holiday, and money etc to my mother.

He taught my boyhood friends to think I was cookie, which some of them bought, most didnt.
Even his friends were told by him that I was a strange kid to know, until I told them it is him who if freakin strange.

The strange thing is, he knows he cannot abuse me no more, but he will still have a go.
I am the only one who could get the family together, but it would mean forgiving him.

All those years as a kid, I kept the family together, even begging my father not to leave home.
I blamed all of that on me, nobody else, but I grew to dispise my brother for what he did.

I just got sick of the fact that my siblings could go to school most days and have a carefree life, when I wanted to go but couldnt.
I was always at some hospital, for what!

All those docs said there was nothing wrong, and an 11yo isnt gonna tell them what is going on.
I was just crying inside for one of them docs to take me aside and say it.

Even when they do know, they dont have a cure for it,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#14564 - 04/22/06 11:58 PM Re: Wishing life away!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ste,

I really feel for all the things you are saying here. What it comes down to is a young boy trying to make up for all the deficiencies of others, and then blaming himself when it doesn't work out.

But Ste, it was never your job to hold everything together and do all this on your own. And it isn't your responsibility to hold it all together now. My experience, for what it is worth, is that toxic people will usually NOT be moved from their selfish ways. We just have to move on without them.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#14565 - 04/23/06 01:45 AM Re: Wishing life away!
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Ste - I was a bit down when I got home from late shift last night! I searched all of the satellite channels and ended up watching one about extreme home makeovers (USA prog).

I missed the start, but realised that it was something to do with some really lovely oriental woman undergoing treatment for cancer, she had a brilliant husband and two very nice (if quiet) children). I believe that the daughter had also suffered some illness, and that they had suffered some disaster with their original home).

Towards the end of the program, the family was brought back to this absolutely fantastic house. You should have seen the way all of their faces lit up! It made me feel really good watching this!

That woman was just so strong in the face of adversity, it made me feel very humble!

She has a very loving family, but she also has cancer, that she may not survive!

She mentioned other patients that she had known, and she said: "They would have given anything for just one more day".

That sticks in my mind, and it's something I must remember.... I'm alive (Pearl Jam kicking in there)....so alive!

When I have negative thoughts, I try to remember things like that now! I'm alive.

I'm thinking of buying myself a calligraphy pen, and a decent notebook. I can then write my own little book of inspiration!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#14566 - 04/26/06 07:32 PM Re: Wishing life away!
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Just like a wrist watch, a life held together by a scotch tape is a lot worse than one that's broken, because when it finally breaks down you go to the shop and get it mended or get a new one.

So I feel the time I spent trying to fix up my life and holding it together was a sheer waste, when I could have allowed for the truth to hang out. Then I would have got help sooner. Putting up a brave front has turned out to be a downer now.

I thought it is best that nobody knows that have I fallen apart within, while the opposite was true.

And have you noticed how eager we are to fix up everybody elses life, not knowing that breaking down is the best way to find a breakthrough in life. Sometimes things do need to fall apart in oreder to be rebuild again, better.

And in any case no matter how hard you try things do fall apart, like people die when it is time and to let go of things is the greatest freedom we can give ourself.

And unless we allow others the same freedom we had in finally falling apart and surrendering to the chaos, the new order cannot arise, the statusquo can be a very claustrophobic thing at the end of the long road, the newness always preceeds by destruction, just as breakthrough is always preceeded by a breakdown. That is the eternal cycle of life.

Shiva, the Destroyer in Hindu Trinity is also known as the 'Happy one' because what he destroys is actually the old, and what need to go in order to make place for the new, so he destroys with joy of creation and the humility that what He does is essential part of Creation and Death is only transitory state, just destruction is just a moment of transformation, and not an end.

Science tells us that energy cant be destroyed and so what we really are cant be cured or healed, only transformed to become more pure and clear, so we dont change but only become more of what we really are.

All our lives we have feared being destroyed or harmed and fought it endlessly but, the truth is what we really are, can't be destroyed, EVER, the moment we get to that essence, our being is free of all the fights of this world, and we stand clear in the shining light of our being.

Courage is allowing ourselves the freedom of being destroyed by the external, knowing that what we really are is eternal and cannot be destroyed. That is when true freedom descends, when truth dawns within our being, and with that this vessel realises its true purpose.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#14567 - 04/26/06 10:07 PM Re: Wishing life away!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I guess I always blamed myself for everything that is in his life.
Guess he always will do, it is his life, beyond his normal control of life.

Did I ever have a life to own?

Just wish I had a safe corner to hide in,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#14568 - 04/26/06 10:15 PM Re: Wishing life away!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
This is not a reply to abbys post.
Just how he thinks.
Abby, lots to think about in yr post, thnx,


ate

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#14569 - 04/27/06 02:32 PM Re: Wishing life away!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rik,

Just wanted to come back to something you said:

Quote:
I'm thinking of buying myself a calligraphy pen, and a decent notebook. I can then write my own little book of inspiration!
That sounds like a great idea. Maybe we can't find many of the answers to our questions, but we can still respond to them. I think creativity is one really good way to do that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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