Looking over this topic prompted me to spew forth some brain voimit in my journal, (it's topicly relevent, as my anger is something that I've been giving some though to lately.) Anyway, I felt it was worth sharing, even if you all may not.
I'm an angry guy.
I try not to let that spill over to others. I try really hard not to snap at people, I try not to bring others down when I'm really angry, and if I can't I just avoid being around people, because I don't want to be a total asshole that embarrasses his friends.
Anger is one of my coping mechanisims. It works. It keeps people at arms length, becuase no one wants to be around somone whos pissed off all the time. It's also part of what is keeping me so lonely. And it isn't as though my anger isn't justified. Beyond even the many and varied shit sandwiches I've had to eat througout my life, as well as seeing those I care about be served their own with no recourse, the word is just a shitty place. The old saying "if you aren't pissed then you aren't paying attention" is true!
But I don't want to be bitter. Even more, my anger is a part of who I am now. I have a temper. It's part of who I am, who I am expected to be. My friends and I joke about it. That's just me.
I look back and I think I can see when my anger started. I have vivid images of second grade (both of them.) Kicking the walls in frustrated rage, hurling a desk at a kid who pissed me off (though I couldn't tell you for the life of me what he did), screaming at a teacher (I don't know why), being so pissed off that I whipped open a locker door and accidently hit a girl in the face with it (I actually feel really bad about that one, even at the time I immediately apologized for all I was worth.)
I don't know if I was angry before that. I don't have any reccolections of doing shit like that before second grade.
It was the year I was forcilby picked up and moved away from everything I ever knew. It started a bad attidude because I didn't want to move. It was also the grade when I was being raped.
I couldn't rail against him. I don't even think I knew to. After all, he liked me and WANTED to hang out with me when no one else did. But I sure could rail against everything and everyone else that didn't just leave me the fuck alone. In the span of a year my tiny little world as I knew it had gone to shit, and I was pissed damnit!
My world continued on a downword spiral ever since. My mother drank too much, shacked up with an emotionally abusive scumbag, drank more to escape, my life continued on, slowly getting worse, more confused, more out of control. Why the fuck shouldn't I be pissed.
Two years away from my mother and her chaos, even lessened though it was once she finally got rid of the scumbag, is what it took me to truely realize not just where my anger started, but why it continued. Why it endured and why it became so engrained in me.
My shrink tells me there are physical effects to my anger. That's probably true. But I don't know how to let it go. Not only has it kept me safe and most others at arms length, but I'm right! My anger is righteous! I'm angry at the apathy of the world. At the people who look the other way when a kid is hurt, or the fuckers who hurt a kid in the first place, or the guy who would rob an old lady, on and on these examples of bad people go. I want to hurt all these people: badly. I fantasize about taking a piece of shit like this and pummeling his face into ground chuck with a lead pipe. I want to hurt bad people, all of them, very, very brutally. But that just doesn't get me anywhere, becuase I can't. It's not feasable, and it's not moral.
So I guess I should try to find a way to not be angry. But I don't know how. I don't know if I want to. If no one is angry for the people who are getting routinely shit on and hurt in this world, it'll continue. Then again, it continues anyway, so what does my rage matter except to poison me? Is it a poison? It's always felt like a salve...sorta.
The worst part is, even if I knew I wanted to get past my rage and let go of my anger, I wouldn't know how.
And that just pisses me off.