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#145512 - 03/15/07 10:55 AM Complete Withdrawal
Cecilia Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 63
Loc: Maine
Hi everyone,

I haven't been very active posting or responding. I feel like I am at a loss for words, but I long for contact with others on this site. I read everyone's posts and the words I read are so helpful and inspiring.

I am trying so hard to keep things together. I am in school, working part-time, and trying to take care of my two daughters who are full of anger right now at the prolonged absence of their father.

I can't fully explain everything he is going through, but life is just battering him and what I see is that he is holding the hammer to continue the battering. He just can't seem to trust anyone or anything and his rage, sense of betrayal, sense of worthlessness, everything, is just destroying him.

I think I have done a fairly good job at removing myself from being in the position of caretaker. I keep telling him I WILL BE HERE WITH THE GIRLS in the long run, but he is just spiralling out of control.

I have made contacts with a therapist over here for myself (I have been through lots of therapy in the past, but with everything going on right now I think I need new support). I have an incredibly supportive family, unbelievable friends, and, ultimately, wonderful children, but I can't seem to find the strength to take care of myself very well.

I am just exhausted. My husband may see me as smart, capable, someone who can keep everything going, but he doesn't seem to see how much he is hurting me, our children, our family.

I know he is not necessarily supposed to be able to see anything right now. I know he needs time, patience, faith . . . but I can't believe how just absolutely vulnerable he has made our family.

I think he is really actively "re-traumatizing" himself over and over again with his life experience.

His pain always seems to revolve around being unable to provide, to work, to get along . . . to even function.

I'm really rambling right now I suppose and I know everyone is going to tell me take care of myself and the children first, which is what I am doing but bottom line,

I AM LONELY and I HURT.

I could totally emphathize with Trish's rant about wanting little normal things . . . a movie date, a good conversation.

I feel like screaming "I want, I want, I want . . . " but that doesn't help much.

Cecilia


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#145513 - 03/15/07 11:02 AM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: Cecilia]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Cecilia:
Oh, how strange...I just pm'd you...just as you were obviously posting this! I'm here if you need to talk...always. That's what being in this support group is all about, yes?

I understand how alone and hurt you are feeling right now. I'm offering you a sisterly (((HUG))).

Try to do something for yourself today...even if just listening to some favorite music. It's the little things sometimes that can carry us through.

PLEASE hang in there!

Sweet-n-Sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#145537 - 03/15/07 03:41 PM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Cecilia,

I had just read an old post of yours last night as I was searching for some terms, and realized we hadn't heard from you in a while, and I wondered how you're doing. It IS exhausting. I'm so sorry he doesn't see what is happening. I have been there, and AM there. One evening while watching tv my husband felt my back and for the first time realized how bony I've become. Other people had been noticing it for months. It's like survivors have blinders on.

I guess sometimes what helps me is to realize that probably no one in the world has a perfect relationship so what I'm dreaming of probably doesn't exist anyway. I am trying to accentuate the little positives of my life, my husband, etc., and find happiness in other places, until "it" happens, if "it" ever does, when he starts to look up and sees what's been happening and starts to recover, and how I pray for that day to get here.

The great thing about this site is that all of us can help pick one another up off the floor now and then. Together we are stronger and can endure this, we can DO IT! Do take care of yourself, glad you have a therapist, I don't know how I'd cope w/o one myself, and try to get some sleep and remember to relax because the only thing you can control is yourself. If only we all lived near each other, we could take you out to a movie or coffee or have a good, regular conversation. \:\)

Please know you're not alone, I'm so sorry it's hard right now.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#145567 - 03/15/07 06:11 PM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: Brokenhearted]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Cecilia,


it's good to hear from you, but i'm sorry for the reason why you have to revisit. But it's a good place to be for support isn't it. And well done for the therapy thing too. I think most of us here must need that for ourselves. You ARE taking care of yourself by doing that. You are having to cope with so much at the moment, i'd say you deserve a medal:)


The other thing i wondered is if your husband is seeing a therpist? And if he is, is it a good enough therapist? There do seem to be quite a lot of not good ones, so if your husband is not feeling many/any positive changes in himself, perhaps that's something he might want to think about. I'm no professional, so obviously i could be way off the mark on this, but i did think it and wanted to share it.....


be kind to yourself,
peace
Beccy


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#145622 - 03/16/07 05:49 AM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: beccy]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
I know how you all feel. I don't write much here because I'm too worried my bf might recognise himself if he comes to this site (not that there's much hope of that at the moment), but I log on every day and read all the new posts. It keeps me going and allows me to remember I'm not alone. Everything you're talking about, I feel, everything you feel, I feel ...... we're in this together and thank you all for being here.
SB xx



Edited by soapy bubbles (10/11/07 06:58 AM)
_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#145625 - 03/16/07 06:39 AM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: soapy bubbles]
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
I relate too so much.

We as partners can be very strong but nobody is invincible. Sometimes gets so tough that all the patience, hopes and wills just disappear and are substituted by frustration, disappointment, tiredness, boredom and anger.

But as we all know bad times do not stay forever. In my own experience it was worth waiting for the better ones.
good luck :-)
H



Edited by riviera (03/16/07 06:41 AM)

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#145628 - 03/16/07 08:00 AM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: riviera]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Cecilia,

I'm sorry your lonely and hurt. That's a feeling that's brutal to overcome when the one who could make those feelings go away is so physically close and all he has to do is open the door. I have no answer, not even workable suggestions to overcome it other than what you are already doing. We are inescapably linked to the men we love and no matter what we do, seeing their pain blocks our own ability to be completely happy.

It does sound like you're doing all of the right things so all I can say is keep doing them. Keep working to make you own life healthier for you and your children. You said the kids are filled with anger, that makes it all the more difficult for you. Are they seeing a child psychologist? It might help them and you. The kids are resiliant, but they may need some guidance and an outlet that you aren't capable of giving to them because of the "grown up" situation you're dealing with that they don't and shouldn't have to understand.

Can you take a day or a weekend away from school and work and just go have a picnic in the park. Just be a family? Just you and your girls where you don't have to worry about making dinner or studying for a test. Have a couple of PBJ sandwiches while sitting on the swings. Then get a babysitter on Saturday night and go have dinner with a friend. It's no solution; it's a short escape from reality. Life is still there on Monday morning, but it might give those batteries a little re-charge which you desperatey need.

You've got alot of pressures on you and no one can live under that with no end in site. Your liesure time is just as important, maybe more so, than the rest of it and because you're so tied up, you have to schedule it.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#145634 - 03/16/07 10:59 AM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: Trish4850]
Cecilia Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 63
Loc: Maine
Hi,

Thank you to all of your for responding. It REALLY does ease the burden to share it with other partners on this site.

It is the one thing that makes me feel a little trickle of hope inside of myself. Aliveness. Because so much of the time these days I feel like I am just numb inside.

The way things have progressed, it is clear to me that I have to rely upon myself to love myself and find peace/joy/love in my own life, within myself . . . but I can't seem to tap in to any of that. Does anyone know what I mean? My willingness to break beyond my own boundaries and bad habits is there, but I feel like I can't find something within myself that just seems to be missing.

I think that for a long time I have so confused the HOPE of being loved by my partner in a meaningful way with actually BEING loved that I don't know what it means to just feel love or loving, even to myself.

Thank you all for writing back . . . this is a very special place for me.

Cecilia


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#145748 - 03/17/07 06:16 AM Re: Complete Withdrawal [Re: Cecilia]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I think I do know what you mean Cecilia.

In fact, even though my bf has begun to show more love for some time now, and be more 'present' for at least some of the time, i seem to have been having some difficulties feeling anything again for some time now. Only this week have i had a few actual feelings return.

I put it down to the shock and hurt I've been through, and also the fact it's been so long, so many years of living this way, i've kind of forgotten how to relate/love/feel/trust.

I really relate to your feeling numb as well. For me, that numbness also brings with it feelings of self destructiveness and craziness, which i have been finding very hard to deal with and control. Having two very small children, i just don't feel comfortable at all feeling that way. I used to feel that way as a teenager and mostly right up until i had kids and for that to return now has created a real struggle for me. The two things just don't belong together.....


For me, something i've come to learn about myself this month, is that when i feel numb it seems to come down to the fact i have feelings i can't deal with. I seem to switch off first, so i just don't even feel them. So, what i've been trying to do, is to allow them out a little. Sharing some PM's here has helped me feel safe enough to open up a little. Also the support of my homeopath has given me that too. Opening up has allowed me to validate my own feelings in all of this. Yes, i understand that my bf's behaviour is not about me and i have to try not to take things personally, but that simply doesn't discount any of the feelings this whole situation has thrown ME into.


I hope that makes some sense.


If you think about it Cecilia, why should you be finding it easy to find peace/joy/love in your own life with all the uncertainty and instability you've been experiencing? No-one is invincible in the face of a situation like that. I imagine you simply hunger for the stability, support, love and safety of a present, reliable partner, which is what most of us want in life. That is normal. What you are having to cope with is exceptional. You have basically put all those things on hold while you wait for your husband. That's a bit like being 'frozen' in time......

You've done SO well studying and taking care of your girls. Just the fact you've been so selfless and not simply 'moved on' yourself is incredible! A lot of women would say, "that's it! I'm going to find a new partner. Someone who'll be here and love me and participate".


Keep writing Cecilia....


peace,
Beccy


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