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#145173 - 03/13/07 03:08 AM Drowning
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Do ever it feels it is like, we can not even keep up our head from the water? I am not certain, how to explain it, what it feels as right now. There is so much emotion, and like triggers, recent. It feels as, sometime, you can swim even if there is sharks, and other times, it feels as you are drowning.

I belong to other group, for parents who have lost children, and I have been perhaps more active there recent then here, because the feelings of loss of my daughter is been more strong issue to me to deal of. Sometime it is just to hard to try to deal at both the very hard issues at same time. So I focus at one, or other, and sometime both if I can. Sometime I start feel more better of one, or more confidence of something, but it is so much, it is not 'permanence' feelings. And it is like, one thing, can just throw me back down, and it is like trying to walk up mountain in sand, or on ice. One or two or three steps up, and then slide back some. Anyway, I am in this group, it is mostly mothers, but there is me and few other fathers in it, and it is 'email group', not at site as this is. And I am reading these emails, in the 'digest', of all these parents who lose their child, who miss so much their child and have so much pain and grief. And, like here, sometime it is just painful because we know how much the other have suffered, what they lose. But today, I was reading these, and I near wanted to cry, because these was GOOD parents, they are maybe still good parents. Neither my parents would be talking of me in such way if I was dead before them. I do not know, of course, that none these parents never abuse their children, because they are talking of them only now, and never we will hear the child speak. But just, hearing the stories, of memories of their children, of funny things they did, or what good people they was, how much they done for others, how smart, all of that, it just sounds as good parents. And it near make me want to cry, because they sound as the kind of parents I would have want, and sometime even now would still want.

My body, it just feel so 'tight' feeling, and sometime I feel I have to even focus on my breathing. Not to like 'meditate', but because i feel if I do not focus on it, I will do it wrong. It just feel as any small thing right now, anything little right now, I would like 'snap', my emotions and physical being, and just lose control and be lost to myself. I do not know why, sometime I can release more easy my emotions, to people I trust, or in some other way. I do not know why right now it is different, but I feel just it is to much, and I like fear to try to release of some of it, or I will just 'fall apart' and have no control at all. I do not know how else to explain it.

VN



Edited by VN (03/13/07 03:08 AM)

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#145197 - 03/13/07 11:06 AM Re: Drowning [Re: VN]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Well, now I feel like I am screaming under the water too.


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#145198 - 03/13/07 11:48 AM Re: Drowning [Re: VN]
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
I'm really sorry for your loss. That a hurt nobody should have to feel.

For your post it sound's like you feel like your teetering on the edge. I understand this feeling. Like your ready to pop at the seams. And your emotions are chaotic, scattered. I describe this feeling to my psychiatrist as a balloon who's string is weighted by a small rock. Any strong gust of wind and the balloon will fly up and off into the atmosphere, lost.

When you see something sweet or hear a nice story. Or something like you were saying about the good parents it is usually bittersweet because of what you know and what you went threw. Conflicting feelings of happiness for them and sadness, anger because of your own parents.

You pain must be great, and i know you feel like your screaming under water, not heard and suffocating. But places like this and friends and loved one's are your raft to hold and lean on to help keep you afloat. Thank you for sharing and expressing.

Keep your chin up.
Eric

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#145202 - 03/13/07 01:09 PM Re: Drowning [Re: jamie']
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Visha, these sound like classic symptoms of PTSD. Are you taking any medications for your problems?

The pain of the loss of your precious daughter is still strong, that is hard to deal with, but it ALSO means that you were the loving type of father that she needed and deserved. The pain is ONLY there now because you LOVED her, DON'T REGRET THAT ok?

What was her name Visha?


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#145216 - 03/13/07 02:11 PM Re: Drowning [Re: Hauser]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
You're a good man Visha. You put so much into your healing, the fact that you go to all this effort to post in a foreign language and understand foreign customs is an absolute credit to you. I think it's just a part of your character: you'll do what it takes, you're committed. You're a good man, and I can't begin to imagine the pain and the loss you feel, just know there are people who care.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#145271 - 03/13/07 08:55 PM Re: Drowning [Re: AshSurvived]
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
(((Visha))))

I think what you are experiencing is natural for someone who has lost something so precious as a child. I am finding out that I don't think I will ever get over it. Some days it is easier than others.

I was more fortunate. I had parent that tried to be good, and were there for me when my son died. It must have been very difficult for you Visha, not to have your parent there to support you and help you in your grief.

Add to that, the abuse you endured from your parents. It is hard for me to understand how anyone could abuse a child. I can only imagine how it must have been for you to have no one you could trust to be kind to you while you were growing up. every child deserves that.

Visha, you did nothing wrong to deserve that kind of treatment. You are a good and decent man. That is a credit to your character. You became this good man on your own. You have had a rough road, but you are a good man. We are here for you. No one at this site would ever willingly hurt you in any way. Talk about Olesya here all you want to. Don't be afraid to let your feelings out, buddy. It is the only way we get better... by letting all those bottled up emotions out.

Also, make sure you still go to your T, and talk these things over with him.


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#145279 - 03/13/07 09:54 PM Re: Drowning [Re: VN]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Visha,

It breaks my heart to read this. You have two terrible losses, your childhood and your child. I can only try to imagine how you "work" on both things.

We love you here. I am sure that other parents in your email group love you, too. You validate their losses when they share with you and you with them; you honor their feelings like we do for one another here.

You can't see in the words I type the way my throat tightens while I think of what you must go through. I hope you will get back above the surface to breathe soon.

You are in my prayers, drook.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#145479 - 03/15/07 02:09 AM Re: Drowning [Re: outis]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
VN,

I can imagine it, how it is almost like 'conflic in interest', to belong to such a group with all these parents, and as you said to me before, you are wondering in back of your head 'I wonder if they ever abused their child'. And then to hear these people so much 'euologize' their children as so wonderful and perfect.

But what is most importent of things is what the people who love you and care of you and are GOOD in your life, what we think of you. And I hope that as we tell you these things, it is something good for you, and something that you will begin to believe of yourself.

Andrei


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