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#145245 - 03/13/07 07:02 PM Very angry post - could be triggers
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Iím having such a hard time today. Last night when I asked my b/f if we could get together during the week, his response was a sigh and then a conciliatory sure, how about Thursday. I was trying to keep it light, fun, I said weíd make it a ďfunĒ date but to him, Iím just intruding. I donít fucking want to be with him if itís a fucking chore! Iím so pissed off I canít see straight and it colored everything I did today.

He started his own company a year ago and Iíve been doing his books. He wants to pay me! WTF! At first, I just laughed and told him donít be silly. He does things for me and I do things for him - thatís the way it works. This has gone on for a few weeks now and itís pissing me off. Itís just business he says. No itís fucking NOT. Itís just one more thing in a long line of things. God forbid he should feel beholden to someone - me of all people. If we were married, or even sharing the same household, Iíd say sure, pay me a fortune and weíll keep the money all in one place but thatís not the case. Iím not an employee, Iím his girlfriend trying to help him out with a new venture. Why is that concept lost on him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

FUCK FUCK FUCK Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs at him and anyone else who comes near me. Heís been in therapy for over a year and what has it accomplished? I donít know anymore. He goes and gets himself totally stressed, sad and miserable. In spite of everything, he still fights himself. He is his own worst enemy and heís making me his enemy now. I donít want this! I want to have a conversation about anything that doesn't turn out with me having to console him or tell him that the things I feel aren't what he thinks I feel. I want to not have to defend myself and my life and my belief system. I'm tired of defending the world and having to explain that not all people are bad. Iím tired of being lumped in with ďpeopleĒ as if thatís a bad thing! I want the SOB to listen to me to listen to his T and to believe it or at least fucking try to! I want love. I want fun. I want to go to a movie, dinner a show, a parade. I want to be with friends who do something other than drink! I want to be able to spend more than a night or two with him. I want a fucking life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want him to stop insisting --- in-fucking-sisting --- that he is the only one. I want him to come here. I want him to interact with other survivors. I want him to grow the fuck up and recognize what he's done for himself - all by himself - with no fucking help from family. I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want..............................

I'm well aware that this post is mean-spirited and angry - no need for anyone to tell me that. I feel mean-spirited and angry!

Iím having a really bad day.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#145246 - 03/13/07 07:10 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Trish4850]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm so falling apart right now

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#145248 - 03/13/07 07:14 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Trish4850]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11075
Loc: Denver, CO
Trish,

To me, you have a right to feel angry. It sounds like a mighty frustrating time. You are trying to be nice and helpful, and this offer to pay you feels like being reduced to just an hourly wage instead of being a helpful friend.

I tried to put myself in your bf's head for just a moment to try and think why he would be letting things take this path. What came to my mind was that when I was growing up under mother perp, her idea of doing things was always exchange for exchange. Her way of life taught me that if someone is being nice to me, they want something back. Her way never taught me that it was alright to just do something nice for someone and let it go. It was always "you owe me something now." I don't know, does this example provide any kind of a useful mental jog?

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#145249 - 03/13/07 07:21 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Trish4850]
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
I'm sorry to hear your having a bad day. And i cant really relate. What i can say is i was in a relationship with a women and i had my issues and at the end what she told me is i'm so negative i make her want to kill herself. she said i have issue's from my childhood that are destroying me and making me want to destroy other people. All i did was drink she said. Then she left.

And dispite the fact i didnt ever recipricate her intimacy. Her wanting to be close. Showing i cared. I really did, i was just scared and uncomfterble to show it. And i accepted her leaving as the right thing for her. She wanted to live, i wanted to live aswell but i got to comfterble just excisting and destroying myself instead.

I also understood and always will that it's hard to be with people with these kind's of issues. Nobody could blame you for feeling the way you do.

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#145250 - 03/13/07 07:26 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Trish4850]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
And I think anyone else would feel the same way in your shoes. Sigh. I'm no help. I too want to go to a movie, or have a date or just dinner together, or just a conversation and I'm married!

My T says she might be detecting some "personality disorders" in my husband....that have to be diagnosed by her boss to know for sure. I've begun to wonder sometimes, if that is true, is it possible he *cannot* ever improve enough to love me, to give to me, to appreciate me, to be a regular guy? Is there a biological reason these things can never be? If they have delusional thinking, that can't be "talked out" through therapy, it is biological. Maybe I'm worrying too much, I hope.

Here I am, not being very consoling. The cycle that goes up and down is so brutal. I started antidepressants 3 wks ago but don't think they've kicked in yet....I'm still waiting.

A year's worth of therapy is significant, but maybe not very, for survivors. It seems everyone goes at their own pace. I wish my husband could come here also, and talk to other survivors. I can't imagine him EVER doing that for some reason. He still won't talk to ME about things.

I wish we could all be on the same "curriculum" so we'd know when graduation is. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard day, Trish. I wish I were more help. My advice is to remember not to look toward our suvivors as a significant source of our happiness. Easier said than done for people like us who love much. Until they're healed (when and if that may ever happen) they cannot give us much at all. It stinks. So focus on you, your friends, your books, your interests. It's so hard. I'm sorry.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#145251 - 03/13/07 07:28 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Trish4850]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Trish,

I don't have the answers, I don't even think I have one answer. I do believe however that my wife could identify with your anger. I don't know why I put her through hell but I do and the harder I try not to, it seams like the worse it gets.

I think you came to the right place to vent and I'm glad you at least have this place where you can say exactly what's on your mind.

I don't really know all the details and I probably don't need to but one of the things my wife did was to tell me something like this. "I love you very much and want to be with you, however, in order for that to happen, I need this, this, and this." She gave me a list of things she needed in order to keep the relationship alive. I gave her my list and we both, and I stress both worked hard to keep the relationship alive. If I have any advice at all it would be to say that maybe it is time to give him a list.

Hang in there and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#145254 - 03/13/07 07:37 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Derdlecar]
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
Broken unfortunalty it's more then possible but likely. PTSD can come in complex form's such as depersonalization, dissocitive PD's including identity disorder (formerly multiple PD) amoungst other thing's such as various form's of anxiety which are all coping mechanisms and i dont believe biological. BPD which is an axis II PD have an overwhelming percentage of SA in it's sufferers. And alot of these thing's can be life long, and dibilitating. Just more obsticles ontop of the core issue's. I imagine it's almost as hard to deal with for a loved one.

I apologise if you already knew all this.



Edited by jamie' (03/13/07 07:42 PM)
_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

Top
#145257 - 03/13/07 07:45 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: jamie']
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Trish, He's playing games. I say drop out for a few days and let him get by without you. Then when he comes looking for you, tell him that you won't deal with his shit, and if he wants to continue with you, then he needs to make a real effort towards the relationship because you can't take things the way they are going.

If that doesn't work, then bail and find someone else. As much as I empathise with a fellow survivor, he has no right to treat you like crap.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#145258 - 03/13/07 07:48 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: jamie']
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Graduation Day - I like it and I sure as hell wish someone could tell us, silly I know, but wishes sometimes are.

Andy, my b/fís perp was his mother too, and his father. You never got something for nothing, which probably does have a lot to do with it. But IíM NOT HER! Iím a good person dammit who is hurting so badly right now I feel like my heart will explode out of my chest.

Jaime, he shows me love and consideration and all wonderful things and then tells me that he doesnít feel any of it. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?!

Darrel, a list sounds like a good idea. Iíll try to figure out how to approach that one. When I do mine, Iíll be looking for some feedback Ďcause I really donít want to spook him, I just want to be OK. God I feel so pathetic. \:\(

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#145259 - 03/13/07 07:53 PM Re: Very angry post - could be triggers [Re: Trish4850]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Nobby,

Then I would be playing games too. I hear what you're saying though and I've thought about it, but I think if I bailed it would break my heart even more than how I feel now. He thinks he's doing the right thing by being in therapy, he's putting himself through hell, but the problem is, he says he's doing it for me. Well, don't do me any f'n favors! If he's not doing it for himself, then it's a colossal waste of time. That being said, somewhere in that brain of his is a desire to do something!

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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