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#144952 - 03/11/07 04:02 PM Sexuality and intimacy problems
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
I'm not sure where to put this. I've a plethora of little issues and i'd assume they all have their own little catagories, yet i'm one person.

I've had sexual issues for a long ass time. Aslong as i can recall. When i was younger i wouldnt be able to have sex unless my partner was covering her face. I'm a student of psychology so i understand the meaning behind it as dehumanizing. And has to do with me rather then them, like self hatred and such, what i dont know is if they is a result of SA, or if anyone else can relate to this. Though i dont do that anymore i still have issues with people looking at me. Nor can i keep eye contect for more then a second or two. I hate being touched and people having there head close to me. I imagine that sounds funny but in the context of intimacy in a relationship this has been problematic and frustrating to my partners. They want closeness which i cant provide. It makes me uncomfterble so i come off as indifferent to them.

My sexuality has also been odd. At times i'm unsure if i'm hetero or homosexual. I'd had a brief physical relationship with my best friend when we were both 13. And that is my only willing homosexual experinece. The odd thing i've found is that with men i enjoy there company, yet sex isnt something i'm thinking about. And ontop of that i'm more comfterble with women then men, yet with women its the opposite. More about sex then the company.

Can anyone relate. Is this connected to, or a result of sexual abuse or just my charecter.

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#144995 - 03/11/07 08:03 PM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: jamie']
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
There are some great threads that might help you, I think moreso in the gay forum, about the effects of abuse on sexual identity.

I think most of your questions are covered in that thread in some detail.



Edited by AshSurvived (03/11/07 08:07 PM)
_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#145039 - 03/12/07 12:24 AM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: AshSurvived]
jamie' Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 125
Loc: Ont, Can
Thanx ash

_________________________
No matter how long and dark the night is, Or the fear and hurt that it can bring, there will always be a dawn, where we can push the past aside and move forward with hope.

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#146383 - 03/21/07 12:21 PM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: jamie']
4113 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 2
Loc: napa, ca
hi Jamie, wow, I was reading your post and I was so happy to hear that there is some else, you, that has my similiar sexuality and intimacy problems. Although I'm somewhat reversed.
I feel I don't want to look at the person or be touched by them too and if I'm having sex, it does remind me of my perpetrator, but what I've been doing differently is making it a game of trust and for now I need to be comfortable with that.
For me I feel fuzzy and warm in the company of my hetero male friends and it's not about sex but when I'm around gay males, I want to have sex. I now have fantasies of making love to a woman but have not acted on it. I have alot close women friends and have not been able to share this with yet.
For a long time I questioned if I had not been incest and raped by another male at 5 and 17yrs old, would I have been a hetero male. But I feel that for now i need to be comfortable in current sexuality.
One thing that has made a big difference in my life today is that I participated at a level one retreat for male survivors and did alot of healing there and left alot of the negative and darkness around my shame. It was a very powerful weekend. So I hope this response is something you can relate to.

gabriel

_________________________
all that a belief is, is a thought that you keep practicing..

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#146386 - 03/21/07 01:37 PM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: 4113]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Hi Jamie,

I'm glad you posted this topic. I'm struggling with intimacy issues with my partner of 12 years. What I'm finding out about my hesitation of being intimate with my partner is that I still haven't been able to distinguish between making love and having sex. This is all from experience and others observations. People tell me making love is more spiritual and satisfying, while having sex just doesn't seem "enough". Anyways, I still can't grasp the concept of making love because all I was programmed with was having sex. My partner has the healthiest inner child I know and it was his inner child, not his physical attributes, that made me fall in love with him. I guess what I'm realizing is that when my partner and I try to be intimate, I can't help but think I'm having sex with a child because in a way, I see my partner as a child. Sorry if that image seems creepy. Anyways, along with our adage that if we know someone, we can't truly be connected with them because of our inability to trust them wholeheartedly. For me I feel most comfortable with casual sex, one-night stands or chance encounters, because I don't know them. Anyways, I hope my rambling helps.

Take care,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#146523 - 03/22/07 12:54 PM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: GentleSoul]
TX_Space Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas
Jay,
I was just having this same exact conversation with a friend last night! I wish I would have read these boards yesterday. You say it so clearly. I don't think I've ever truly made love.

Sorry, I don't have advice here. I just find it kharmic that your words describe my thoughts and feelings completely.

tx_space


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#148667 - 04/03/07 07:02 PM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: TX_Space]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Hi TX_Space,

I'm glad you got something from my experience and rambling. I hope you and I find the spiritual aspect in intimate moments with our respective partners.

Take care,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#148713 - 04/03/07 10:16 PM Re: Sexuality and intimacy problems [Re: GentleSoul]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jamie,

I wouldn't worry too much about the significance of your experience with your best friend when you were 13. Boys will often experiment as they awaken sexually, and the meaning of the experience may be nothing more than the fact that you both trusted each other this much.

As Ash comments, there have been some good discussions of the issues you are talking about in the Gay Forum recently.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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