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#144510 - 03/08/07 12:35 PM any older virgins in the room?
recluse Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/08/07
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
Hi,

I'm 34 and still a virgin. because of the sexual abuse, I've never been able to get close to anyone...parents, family, friends, co-workers, doctors, etc. I've never dated nor had a girlfriend. I put up a big wall around my life and hide behind it. I crave love and intimacy with a woman so bad, but I allow my fears, lack of experience, shitty self-image, and other problems to keep me from it.

I've sabotaged and ran away from what might have been great experiences with women who showed interest in me. all because of my stupid fears and feelings of worthlessness and unmasculinity. I'm plagued with feelings that I'm a wimp, not a real man, unattractive to women, and hung like a mouse.

also, I was diagnosed with ptsd from the sex abuse so I have concern that if a relationship ever got to the point of touching or foreplay, I honestly don't know if I could handle it. I might have a panic attack or flip-out. hell, I probably couldn't even get a fucking erection. what woman would put up with that? the whole thing is a major blow to my self-worth. my future...my life just doesn't look too appealing. you see, I've been in and out of therapy so many times and nothing ever changes. I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this painful and lonely abyss until I die.

so I'm basically a loner who finds whatever satisfaction/gratification I can in food, fantasy, driving for long periods, porn, and masturbation. the thing is, whenever I masturbate to fantasies or pictures of women, it's never ME having sex with these women. it's always some faceless anonymous male, strong and masculine, of course, with a big dick. I guess my self-image is so low I can't even get much fulfillment from jerking off. how pathetic is that?

can anyone relate to this rambling? \:o


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#144514 - 03/08/07 12:59 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
recluse,

42yo-virgin and still counting. Yeah, I can relate to pieces of it. I've never felt I had much of anything to offer a woman (though that is slowly changing now). I pin it mainly on the effects of abuse form my mother and her anti-male attitude.

"I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this painful and lonely abyss until I die."

You are in such good company here at the site. Welcome.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#144517 - 03/08/07 01:07 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Originally Posted By: recluse
I'm plagued with feelings that I'm a wimp, not a real man, unattractive to women, and hung like a mouse.



recluse, I am far from being a virgin and I can tell you this with much confidence. If a real woman is attracted to you it is definitely not about the physical. I used to think for the longest time that women thought like I did about the opposite sex. We are much, much more visual creatures than they are.

On another note you refer to the 'stupid fears'


My thought?


EXACTLY


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#144521 - 03/08/07 01:44 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Rambler]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Rambler, I'm not sure that I agree.

Most women I know make their decision about a guy within the first minute of meeting them. Looks definitely play into that decision. I don't think you need to be super good looking, but they will take things like grooming, cleanliness, how you dress, and how you carry yourself into consideration. Fail on any of those and you're off the list before you even get a chance to open your mouth.

However, the single largest factor that will doom you with women is self-confidence. I'm not saying this to be a jerk, but most women will drop you like a hot potato if they sense a lack of self-confidence or self esteem (or even worse, if they think that you are a poseur). It's just how they are wired. That is why when you ask a woman for her honest advice on how to get a date, she'll usually say something like, "get a haircut, go clothes shopping with your sister and listen to her, and try to just be yourself."

Recluse, I used to have the same problem, and even now sometimes I get weirded out if a woman shows that she is attracted to me. (my wife thinks that this is very charming for some reason)

I think that the thing to do is to stop worrying about sex and women for the time being, and concentrate on therapy for the PTSD. It sounds like you're still having self-esteem problems and you'll need to get through those somehow before you tackle women. (pun absolutely intended)

For what it's worth, sex is best when you can enjoy it with someone that you love; and without any extra baggage. I can tell you that it's definitely worth the wait to get through the therapy issues first. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I am speaking from my own experience.

In the meantime, why not try getting involved in co-ed activities, where you can be around women in a non-sexual context? Try doing stuff like night classes, etc. I think you will find that the more time that you spend with women when sex is not on the agenda, the easier it will become for you later on when you are ready to begin a physical relationship with someone. You will also begin to develop your comfort level with women, which will be a big factor in your favour when you do decide to ask one out.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#144525 - 03/08/07 02:03 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Nobbynobs]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Nobby,

I was referring to recluse's thoughts and feelings re: women that already showed interest in him.


John


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#144544 - 03/08/07 03:59 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Rambler]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Originally Posted By: Rambler
Nobby,

I was referring to recluse's thoughts and feelings re: women that already showed interest in him.


John


Oh right. My mistake. Sorry about that.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#144618 - 03/09/07 01:23 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: recluse

all because of my stupid fears and feelings of worthlessness and unmasculinity. I'm plagued with feelings that I'm a wimp, not a real man, unattractive to women, and hung like a mouse.


Hi recluse,

What you referred to in the quote above is such a common thread among survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Someone here once said that the CSA does a real mind-fuck on us, and that's the best de>
_________________________
Eddie

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#144638 - 03/09/07 07:18 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: EGL]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
you can add me to the list lol

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#144680 - 03/09/07 03:06 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: shadowkid]
usccabum1985 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 43
Loc: Illinois
I never made it that far so I guess Im on the list to. recluse, so much of what you said is so true for myself, I think we might be on the same page, PM if you ever want to chat. I hope 22 is old enough to still be a virgin?

_________________________
"same old repitition fealing up and down agen, sorrow is a highway that never seams to end"
- Jeff Austen, Younder Mountain String band

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#144795 - 03/10/07 04:08 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: usccabum1985]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Recluse,

I understand your angst about your sexual frustration – and as EDL (Eddie) put it losing your ‘true’ virginity (having consensual sex for the first time – and I adopted that take myself; I took back what the perp stole).

I hear you on your concerns about whether you could ‘perform’ let alone how you would emotionally cope with the whole ‘ordeal’. I had other concerns myself. My perp was into berating and criticising my body (whilst using me a sex toy of his convenience thankyou, so I couldn’t have been that bad!), so when it came to my thoughts of getting intimate I was concerned about whether any woman would think me attractive, would my penis be of suitable size (whatever that is!), would I have enough body hair or too much! etc etc.

Everybody comes out of this stuff differently. In the end everything worked out fine ‘on the night’ but that’s just me. I know that’s not the case for everybody.

You may wish to consider seeing a therapist to help you discuss some of these issues or a perhaps grab some books on male sexual abuse to give you some more insight.

You have very real, human needs to intimacy at whatever level that may take. We are all wired that way. I wish you good progress along this path. You deserve it.


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#144886 - 03/11/07 04:50 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Grunty1967b]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Hi everyone,

Recluse, I lost virginity when I was 17. Now I am 24 and I haven't had sex for 6 years. I can't say I didn't like my first experiences in sex, but somehow I became shy and not ready for any intimate contact with girl. I hope I'll overcome it and involve in sex, but the road is surely long.

Take it easy, and listen, learn from experienced people so that you develop your own way based on tries and failures.

The second advice will be "give it a try and get experienced in approaching women."

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#145108 - 03/12/07 06:05 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Grunty1967b]
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Well you can add me to the list too.
I can relate to everything in your post.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#145860 - 03/17/07 09:46 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
Gabbahey Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 43
Hello:

I've been reading the MS board for a while---this is my first post.

I can relate. I'm 45 and have had very little sexual experience.

I had the usual awkward first experiences when I was 18. I was a hair-trigger premature ejaculator. I knew something was wrong but had no words or knowledge for it. And my girlfriends were just as ignorant; I met girls whose first experiences had either been painful or violent (including rape) and they seemed to expect something similar even from a guy they liked. I didn't know anything about sex, so I couldn't tell them that there was more to sex than hard fucking.

I became very cautious about initiating sex, though I always had a "girlfriend in waiting," where the attraction was strong and mutual, and sometimes we made out or dry humped, but the sex not happening. I had brief intercourse maybe twice. I loved one of these girls passionately, for years, maybe even today if I saw her again. I was always devastated when the girls found someone else.

I began to think my genitals were too small, or that I had other emotional baggage. Certainly the emotional part was true.

Finally I had a big nervous break at age 30, after I moved to the big city to go to grad school. Relationships with women were a big part of the break. I developed extreme social anxiety and became confused about sexual identity. I remain confused and anxious. It's a complicated story.

After about 10 years of intense anxiety and other suffering, serious enough to collect disability, I got my work life started again by working from home. Social anxiety was too intense to work in an office.

It had been about 12 years since my breakdown and since I had even dated, let alone had sex. I read an article by a physically disabled man about working with a sex surrogate. I considered myself mentally disabled, so the surrogate idea seemed right. I never thought of ordinary prostitutes---too much performance anxiety.

With steady work came a slew of credit card offers. I used them to finance a week working with a sex surrogate in California. I did this twice, separated by a year. (And thus got into unmanageable credit card debt.) The idea was to find out if I still responded physically to women, and to sort out my performance anxiety. I thought I needed an environment where I had "permission" to experiment. The idea was not to hurt a woman by dragging her into my confusion, and not to hurt myself by being rejected.

It was a nice experience emotionally and pretty hot physically. Though I never felt like I had worked out the performance problems to my satisfaction. However, it did not make me feel secure enough to date again, though I tried a couple of times. It did not cure my social anxiety. That's where I am today---still in therapy, trying to get comfortable with the world.

I don't think I'd recommend the surrogate path; it's terribly expensive, legally ambiguous, and it broke me financially. At the time, I doubted that I would ever be able to care for myself financially, so I went into crazy credit card debt with a shrug. The house of cards eventually fell down.

I was not sexually abused by men (but certainly was emotionally beat up). The stories I read here are savage and shocking. My abuse was more subtle, mostly with my mother, and mostly neglect. But this is the only place I've found that I hear expressed the same shame and anger that I've experienced for 15 years.

Thanks for listening.



Edited by Gabbahey (03/17/07 09:54 PM)

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#145952 - 03/18/07 02:40 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Gabbahey]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Gabbahey,

Thanks for your honesty. If there is something you find here in way of connection, discovery, or what have you, Please feel free to continue to dialogue with us. I'm sure you know by now that not everyone here has the same abuse experiences, but when you get right down to it, the abuse comes in all shapes and forms, manifests itself in different ways, but it is all devastating to the individual.

Keep reading and posting when you feel able, and remember, you're worth while.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#146193 - 03/20/07 06:52 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
You can call me a born-again virgin, as I am on a sexual sabbatical for the last five years. The reason, after having a series of acting out relationship with men and with women after my sexual confusion cleared up, I have decided to first sort things out at my end, rather than taking my messed stuff out with someone.

First thing I did to clear out was to go all out with a man, I never really had,(despite years of abuse) and with woman too. Suddenly things were out in the open.

And I have begun to see my self as man, I no longer crave for other men to get in touch with my masculinity (little complex to explain here)

My confusion ended once I got intimate with a woman, who was loving and mature enough to help me relaxed, so that finally my member could rise to the occasion. Now I am back!

One more thing that helped me a lot was taught to me by a fellow survivor was learning to love myself, and then reintroduce sex to our physical body by being gentle, kind and loving with it. Sex has always been an unhealthy and unsafe experience till now. We can make it safe for ourselves, by introducing ourselves to the sacred side of sex, the joyous and celebratory side.
If you don’t have any sex partner start with yourself, and resexualize yourself, gently, slowly and regularly, till you can become comfortable as seeing yourself as a sexual being, no shame or guilt attached..

Visualization can be big part of this resexualization.

Today I am learning to see my body as a sacred place; I am learning to feed it respectfully and becoming more body aware through grounding meditations, as want to heal my body memories as well, and that make me all tensed up. And when I am tensed nothing works, not even my mind, let alone my penis.

My relationship with sex has always been unhealthy till now, but now I am retraining myself, and reintroducing sex as healthy and safe thing in my life. I am able to see my masculinity separate from my physical body and no longer need my body to hide in.

Soon I shall be ready to launch myself once again.


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#147884 - 03/30/07 10:23 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Recluse,

Losing virginity is a supposed symbol of manhood that society feeds to a kid from the time he reaches puberty, it seems. Personally, I think that's a load of crap.

Taking virginity in the sense that Eddie gives - sex by our own choice and decision - I lost mine when I was 16. It was with a close friend of mine, another boy a year younger than me, and he and I had been abused together. After that ended, when I was 14, it wasn't long before things between us became sexual again. We were scared and confused and we had only each other to cling to; we simply did what we knew already.

My first time with a girl was when I was 17. We were both beginning our senior year in high school, and the experience, though exciting, left me feeling confused and apprehensive. We were together on and off for the next four years, but I can't say it was a stable healthy relationship; we were both messed up emotionally.

Looking back now, from the perspective of a man 57 years old and married for 26, I wish the loss of my virginity had come at a later point in my life.

Finally just a comment on this painful phrase:

Originally Posted By: recluse
I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this painful and lonely abyss until I die.


Try to look forward rather than back, my friend. The past is gone and we can't change it; the present and future are where we are going to spend the rest of our lives. Your post is an honest and brave one, and this ability to talk and ask for support and help will do a LOT for you in your recovery.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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