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#144886 - 03/11/07 04:50 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Grunty1967b]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Hi everyone,

Recluse, I lost virginity when I was 17. Now I am 24 and I haven't had sex for 6 years. I can't say I didn't like my first experiences in sex, but somehow I became shy and not ready for any intimate contact with girl. I hope I'll overcome it and involve in sex, but the road is surely long.

Take it easy, and listen, learn from experienced people so that you develop your own way based on tries and failures.

The second advice will be "give it a try and get experienced in approaching women."

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#145108 - 03/12/07 06:05 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Grunty1967b]
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Well you can add me to the list too.
I can relate to everything in your post.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#145860 - 03/17/07 09:46 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
Gabbahey Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/07
Posts: 43
Hello:

I've been reading the MS board for a while---this is my first post.

I can relate. I'm 45 and have had very little sexual experience.

I had the usual awkward first experiences when I was 18. I was a hair-trigger premature ejaculator. I knew something was wrong but had no words or knowledge for it. And my girlfriends were just as ignorant; I met girls whose first experiences had either been painful or violent (including rape) and they seemed to expect something similar even from a guy they liked. I didn't know anything about sex, so I couldn't tell them that there was more to sex than hard fucking.

I became very cautious about initiating sex, though I always had a "girlfriend in waiting," where the attraction was strong and mutual, and sometimes we made out or dry humped, but the sex not happening. I had brief intercourse maybe twice. I loved one of these girls passionately, for years, maybe even today if I saw her again. I was always devastated when the girls found someone else.

I began to think my genitals were too small, or that I had other emotional baggage. Certainly the emotional part was true.

Finally I had a big nervous break at age 30, after I moved to the big city to go to grad school. Relationships with women were a big part of the break. I developed extreme social anxiety and became confused about sexual identity. I remain confused and anxious. It's a complicated story.

After about 10 years of intense anxiety and other suffering, serious enough to collect disability, I got my work life started again by working from home. Social anxiety was too intense to work in an office.

It had been about 12 years since my breakdown and since I had even dated, let alone had sex. I read an article by a physically disabled man about working with a sex surrogate. I considered myself mentally disabled, so the surrogate idea seemed right. I never thought of ordinary prostitutes---too much performance anxiety.

With steady work came a slew of credit card offers. I used them to finance a week working with a sex surrogate in California. I did this twice, separated by a year. (And thus got into unmanageable credit card debt.) The idea was to find out if I still responded physically to women, and to sort out my performance anxiety. I thought I needed an environment where I had "permission" to experiment. The idea was not to hurt a woman by dragging her into my confusion, and not to hurt myself by being rejected.

It was a nice experience emotionally and pretty hot physically. Though I never felt like I had worked out the performance problems to my satisfaction. However, it did not make me feel secure enough to date again, though I tried a couple of times. It did not cure my social anxiety. That's where I am today---still in therapy, trying to get comfortable with the world.

I don't think I'd recommend the surrogate path; it's terribly expensive, legally ambiguous, and it broke me financially. At the time, I doubted that I would ever be able to care for myself financially, so I went into crazy credit card debt with a shrug. The house of cards eventually fell down.

I was not sexually abused by men (but certainly was emotionally beat up). The stories I read here are savage and shocking. My abuse was more subtle, mostly with my mother, and mostly neglect. But this is the only place I've found that I hear expressed the same shame and anger that I've experienced for 15 years.

Thanks for listening.



Edited by Gabbahey (03/17/07 09:54 PM)

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#145952 - 03/18/07 02:40 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Gabbahey]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Gabbahey,

Thanks for your honesty. If there is something you find here in way of connection, discovery, or what have you, Please feel free to continue to dialogue with us. I'm sure you know by now that not everyone here has the same abuse experiences, but when you get right down to it, the abuse comes in all shapes and forms, manifests itself in different ways, but it is all devastating to the individual.

Keep reading and posting when you feel able, and remember, you're worth while.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#146193 - 03/20/07 06:52 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
You can call me a born-again virgin, as I am on a sexual sabbatical for the last five years. The reason, after having a series of acting out relationship with men and with women after my sexual confusion cleared up, I have decided to first sort things out at my end, rather than taking my messed stuff out with someone.

First thing I did to clear out was to go all out with a man, I never really had,(despite years of abuse) and with woman too. Suddenly things were out in the open.

And I have begun to see my self as man, I no longer crave for other men to get in touch with my masculinity (little complex to explain here)

My confusion ended once I got intimate with a woman, who was loving and mature enough to help me relaxed, so that finally my member could rise to the occasion. Now I am back!

One more thing that helped me a lot was taught to me by a fellow survivor was learning to love myself, and then reintroduce sex to our physical body by being gentle, kind and loving with it. Sex has always been an unhealthy and unsafe experience till now. We can make it safe for ourselves, by introducing ourselves to the sacred side of sex, the joyous and celebratory side.
If you don’t have any sex partner start with yourself, and resexualize yourself, gently, slowly and regularly, till you can become comfortable as seeing yourself as a sexual being, no shame or guilt attached..

Visualization can be big part of this resexualization.

Today I am learning to see my body as a sacred place; I am learning to feed it respectfully and becoming more body aware through grounding meditations, as want to heal my body memories as well, and that make me all tensed up. And when I am tensed nothing works, not even my mind, let alone my penis.

My relationship with sex has always been unhealthy till now, but now I am retraining myself, and reintroducing sex as healthy and safe thing in my life. I am able to see my masculinity separate from my physical body and no longer need my body to hide in.

Soon I shall be ready to launch myself once again.


_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#147884 - 03/30/07 10:23 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Recluse,

Losing virginity is a supposed symbol of manhood that society feeds to a kid from the time he reaches puberty, it seems. Personally, I think that's a load of crap.

Taking virginity in the sense that Eddie gives - sex by our own choice and decision - I lost mine when I was 16. It was with a close friend of mine, another boy a year younger than me, and he and I had been abused together. After that ended, when I was 14, it wasn't long before things between us became sexual again. We were scared and confused and we had only each other to cling to; we simply did what we knew already.

My first time with a girl was when I was 17. We were both beginning our senior year in high school, and the experience, though exciting, left me feeling confused and apprehensive. We were together on and off for the next four years, but I can't say it was a stable healthy relationship; we were both messed up emotionally.

Looking back now, from the perspective of a man 57 years old and married for 26, I wish the loss of my virginity had come at a later point in my life.

Finally just a comment on this painful phrase:

Originally Posted By: recluse
I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this painful and lonely abyss until I die.


Try to look forward rather than back, my friend. The past is gone and we can't change it; the present and future are where we are going to spend the rest of our lives. Your post is an honest and brave one, and this ability to talk and ask for support and help will do a LOT for you in your recovery.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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