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#144510 - 03/08/07 12:35 PM any older virgins in the room?
recluse Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/08/07
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
Hi,

I'm 34 and still a virgin. because of the sexual abuse, I've never been able to get close to anyone...parents, family, friends, co-workers, doctors, etc. I've never dated nor had a girlfriend. I put up a big wall around my life and hide behind it. I crave love and intimacy with a woman so bad, but I allow my fears, lack of experience, shitty self-image, and other problems to keep me from it.

I've sabotaged and ran away from what might have been great experiences with women who showed interest in me. all because of my stupid fears and feelings of worthlessness and unmasculinity. I'm plagued with feelings that I'm a wimp, not a real man, unattractive to women, and hung like a mouse.

also, I was diagnosed with ptsd from the sex abuse so I have concern that if a relationship ever got to the point of touching or foreplay, I honestly don't know if I could handle it. I might have a panic attack or flip-out. hell, I probably couldn't even get a fucking erection. what woman would put up with that? the whole thing is a major blow to my self-worth. my future...my life just doesn't look too appealing. you see, I've been in and out of therapy so many times and nothing ever changes. I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this painful and lonely abyss until I die.

so I'm basically a loner who finds whatever satisfaction/gratification I can in food, fantasy, driving for long periods, porn, and masturbation. the thing is, whenever I masturbate to fantasies or pictures of women, it's never ME having sex with these women. it's always some faceless anonymous male, strong and masculine, of course, with a big dick. I guess my self-image is so low I can't even get much fulfillment from jerking off. how pathetic is that?

can anyone relate to this rambling? \:o


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#144514 - 03/08/07 12:59 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11020
Loc: Denver, CO
recluse,

42yo-virgin and still counting. Yeah, I can relate to pieces of it. I've never felt I had much of anything to offer a woman (though that is slowly changing now). I pin it mainly on the effects of abuse form my mother and her anti-male attitude.

"I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this painful and lonely abyss until I die."

You are in such good company here at the site. Welcome.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#144517 - 03/08/07 01:07 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Originally Posted By: recluse
I'm plagued with feelings that I'm a wimp, not a real man, unattractive to women, and hung like a mouse.



recluse, I am far from being a virgin and I can tell you this with much confidence. If a real woman is attracted to you it is definitely not about the physical. I used to think for the longest time that women thought like I did about the opposite sex. We are much, much more visual creatures than they are.

On another note you refer to the 'stupid fears'


My thought?


EXACTLY


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#144521 - 03/08/07 01:44 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Rambler]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Rambler, I'm not sure that I agree.

Most women I know make their decision about a guy within the first minute of meeting them. Looks definitely play into that decision. I don't think you need to be super good looking, but they will take things like grooming, cleanliness, how you dress, and how you carry yourself into consideration. Fail on any of those and you're off the list before you even get a chance to open your mouth.

However, the single largest factor that will doom you with women is self-confidence. I'm not saying this to be a jerk, but most women will drop you like a hot potato if they sense a lack of self-confidence or self esteem (or even worse, if they think that you are a poseur). It's just how they are wired. That is why when you ask a woman for her honest advice on how to get a date, she'll usually say something like, "get a haircut, go clothes shopping with your sister and listen to her, and try to just be yourself."

Recluse, I used to have the same problem, and even now sometimes I get weirded out if a woman shows that she is attracted to me. (my wife thinks that this is very charming for some reason)

I think that the thing to do is to stop worrying about sex and women for the time being, and concentrate on therapy for the PTSD. It sounds like you're still having self-esteem problems and you'll need to get through those somehow before you tackle women. (pun absolutely intended)

For what it's worth, sex is best when you can enjoy it with someone that you love; and without any extra baggage. I can tell you that it's definitely worth the wait to get through the therapy issues first. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I am speaking from my own experience.

In the meantime, why not try getting involved in co-ed activities, where you can be around women in a non-sexual context? Try doing stuff like night classes, etc. I think you will find that the more time that you spend with women when sex is not on the agenda, the easier it will become for you later on when you are ready to begin a physical relationship with someone. You will also begin to develop your comfort level with women, which will be a big factor in your favour when you do decide to ask one out.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#144525 - 03/08/07 02:03 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Nobbynobs]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Nobby,

I was referring to recluse's thoughts and feelings re: women that already showed interest in him.


John


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#144544 - 03/08/07 03:59 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: Rambler]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Originally Posted By: Rambler
Nobby,

I was referring to recluse's thoughts and feelings re: women that already showed interest in him.


John


Oh right. My mistake. Sorry about that.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#144618 - 03/09/07 01:23 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: recluse]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: recluse

all because of my stupid fears and feelings of worthlessness and unmasculinity. I'm plagued with feelings that I'm a wimp, not a real man, unattractive to women, and hung like a mouse.


Hi recluse,

What you referred to in the quote above is such a common thread among survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Someone here once said that the CSA does a real mind-fuck on us, and that's the best de>
_________________________
Eddie

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#144638 - 03/09/07 07:18 AM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: EGL]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
you can add me to the list lol

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#144680 - 03/09/07 03:06 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: shadowkid]
usccabum1985 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 43
Loc: Illinois
I never made it that far so I guess Im on the list to. recluse, so much of what you said is so true for myself, I think we might be on the same page, PM if you ever want to chat. I hope 22 is old enough to still be a virgin?

_________________________
"same old repitition fealing up and down agen, sorrow is a highway that never seams to end"
- Jeff Austen, Younder Mountain String band

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#144795 - 03/10/07 04:08 PM Re: any older virgins in the room? [Re: usccabum1985]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Recluse,

I understand your angst about your sexual frustration – and as EDL (Eddie) put it losing your ‘true’ virginity (having consensual sex for the first time – and I adopted that take myself; I took back what the perp stole).

I hear you on your concerns about whether you could ‘perform’ let alone how you would emotionally cope with the whole ‘ordeal’. I had other concerns myself. My perp was into berating and criticising my body (whilst using me a sex toy of his convenience thankyou, so I couldn’t have been that bad!), so when it came to my thoughts of getting intimate I was concerned about whether any woman would think me attractive, would my penis be of suitable size (whatever that is!), would I have enough body hair or too much! etc etc.

Everybody comes out of this stuff differently. In the end everything worked out fine ‘on the night’ but that’s just me. I know that’s not the case for everybody.

You may wish to consider seeing a therapist to help you discuss some of these issues or a perhaps grab some books on male sexual abuse to give you some more insight.

You have very real, human needs to intimacy at whatever level that may take. We are all wired that way. I wish you good progress along this path. You deserve it.


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