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#143562 - 02/28/07 06:43 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Robbie,

My parents were/are just like that. It's like they, my dad especially, are looking for others faults to validate that they are good parents or people. No matter what I've done it's never been good enough. If I told my dad he'd 1) Not believe me and 2) he'd probably tell it was my fault. he'd probably call me names or something. I'm not ready for that right now.

I think too that when you have such a f'ed up childhood that you can bring some unique and positive perspectives to child rearing. I know that I can learn and haved learned from the mistakes of my parents and you have too. You're a great day and it shows through your concern for your son.

FT,
Yep, I'm referring to the 11 year old boy that I used to be. He feels dead at least. Replaced, as it were, by a scared, dejected adolescant who grew into a maladjusted man. That is how I feel anyway. Maybe he's still there saying listen to me, but perhaps he's muted for now.

Thanks though.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143809 - 03/02/07 08:41 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
Lost,

I agree with FT fully. My boy was though to be dead, but he was the one actually driving this whole process for me. Mine needed to be forgiven by the adult me. He also wanted an adult voice to scream-out about the injustice.

I did write that letter asking him to forgive me, acknowledged that it was not his fault. Sometimes I have a hard time buying that though. I'm working on it. You can too.

I'm guessing your 11-year-old is not dead...just hurt and/or pissed-of.

robbie

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#143811 - 03/02/07 09:09 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Thanks for having the courage to vent lostandfound. You said so many of the things I want to say, but I am too frightened, I think you've even given me some courage, take that to heart. You are an inspiration too, having the guts to say you 'crossdress' is awesome. I don't believe in crossdressing technically, cos I don't see that fabric has an inherent gender, like music or building materials, at what point do they have the ability to sexually reproduce and take on a gender of their own. So I'm wearing 'women's' tracksuit pants right now, in fact they are the only ones I wear, because all the men's pants look too girly to me, how ironic is that! I want straight leg comfortable pants, and men's are all tapered for thunder thighs and then they taper in at the ankles and bunch up and look ridiculous!

So they're not women's pants, they're MY pants, I'm a man, I chose them and I'm wearing them, that makes them men's pants. I don't need some overpayed fashion-designer telling me what I can and can't wear, screw them.

And for the record: I was a fundamentalist too, ultra-conservative, pro-zionist, gun-toting, holiness, speaking in tongues, the works. I really know where you are coming from, and I feel the same as you every day, I read your post first today because I feel weak too. But you are special, I do understand you, and somehow I keep deciding it's worth living, that although I can't see it yet, there must be a light at the end of the tunnel because so many have gone before us and healed.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#143944 - 03/03/07 06:37 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: AshSurvived]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hey guys,

Robbie,
I discussed this thread with my wife, and she read through it. As we talked I think I realize that no perhaps the 11 year old me isn't dead. Perhaps I wish he was dead. If he were dead the pain would cease or so it would seem.

Ash,
Cross-dressing is just a label and I mostly did it after the abuse. When I was abused I felt among other things that I must be a girl. As I grew up i realized too that I wasn't allow to cry. I had to be tough. But I was a really sensitive kid and I could understand why I couldn't be open about my feelings with out being ridiculed. The clothing part I discovered gave me the liscense to be vunerable. I don't have an alternate personality with the exception of my vunerable side. I was taught men are tough and women are vunerable. A long time ago I mentioned it to my wife, we were drunk, that I wore my sisters clothes when I was 11. She got real turned on. That was surprising. Enough about that.

I'm constantly amzazed at the kind heartedness of you folks. Ash, i am inspired nearly every time I log in. I do know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have hope. Thank you for cheering me up. I have had an especially difficult couple of days.

Thank you all.

-lost


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#143950 - 03/03/07 08:22 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
After my abuse, I felt that nature was likely confused with me. I was forced into doing "girl acts" (once I learned what those were)...so nature must have been confused by/with me. I figured that was the reason I did not hit puberty until I was 15+ yrs old. Nature did not know what to do with me.

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#143957 - 03/03/07 09:41 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
This is a good thread, so many elements of CSA that affect so many, if not all of us. Two small points I'd like to make that I think are relevant. One, our younger selves are the boys who got us through…incredibly brave boys to be sure. Two, our acting out and coping mechanisms could have been/are, the things that have kept us from going insane or killing ourselves. I heard that the other day in therapy and after the shock of the statement, I began to realize that I’m in a different place now, that I don’t have to be as afraid, and yes, I believe there was some truth in that. I had a mother and sister who were both manic-depressives…bi-polar, in today’s parlance. With the ups and downs craziness I went through with them, it’s a wonder I came out alive. I do remember times of my own rage when I wanted to kill them all. Talk about Hannibal Lector, Phycho and a few others…they could have been my brothers. I’m assuming that some of you may have had rage like that. My therapist actually congratulated me for persevering, not giving up on myself, even though I feel like I’ve been working on this my whole life.
What have been the rewards for sticking it out? My wife and I have two of the most beautiful daughters, both of them entertainers, one in musical theater, and the other in opera. When I’m down, I don’t feel that I had much to do with the success of our family. But when I have those good days, I realize the contributions that I have made and I can feel some satisfaction in that.
But I do hear your pain. It is real. It is not imagined, or faked. What happened to us made us survivors of combat, maybe worse because those terrible things happened to us as children…some of us maybe as very young children.
My heart goes out to all of us…yes, I am loving myself a little more these days… who are working very hard on what my therapist calls, Holy work, repairing our very souls.

Peace, my beautiful brothers,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#143979 - 03/04/07 02:05 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Ivanhoe]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Wow Rob, I had a late puberty too, it could just be a coincidence but I wonder. At almost 29 I think I have now stopped developing, except for maybe my gut, that seems to have a biological clock of it's own.

I did a stint of modelling years ago and had to wear makeup and I found it really liberating. That was what spurred me on to try women's clothes. Not in the same way as you lost, but there's definately a common basis. Now and then when I used to live in the gay centre of my state (St Kilda for any of those into travelling) where the Pride parade is held, I often found myself envious of the gay men for being so unashemdly individual in their dress. It seemed if you're gay, the rules don't apply, you get a special pass. It seems funny now, but I used to wonder to myself 'How can I get away with dressing like that, without having to fuck men?'

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#144104 - 03/05/07 11:07 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Robbie and all,

I am at work at the moment so I can't keep writing this. I do want to say that I can not thank you guys enough for helping to feel like less of a freak. I want to give you all a big cyber hug.

-lost




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