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#14413 - 10/24/02 12:45 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jake
I'm lost for words, I couldn't read your story in one go.

But I'm glad I did finish it, your strength shines through all the crap like a beacon.

Long may it continue to shine on us.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#14414 - 10/24/02 01:08 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
----- AMEN LLOYDY and the rest of you too, Wuamei, Muldoon , Cement , Roy, mattandrew, Harry, Les_Angry, SoCalJohn, orodo, Rickl and James.

I don't know what I could add to the beautiful responses to your super human survival skills jake. May you find the peace you seek and so deserve. That little boy has a special place in my heart.
And I thought my family was the ANTI-FAMILY.
You are greater than any Michael Jordan as a hero. Bless you JAKE and bless the confused, hurt child you were. (((((JAKE)))))

you are all my heroes


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#14415 - 10/24/02 02:22 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
Huck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/20/02
Posts: 17
Loc: south carolina
LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL MY BROTHERS (especially you, Jake!), KNOWN AND UNKNOWN


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#14416 - 10/24/02 10:39 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Jake
I am sure that many who have read you post would love to see your dad and uncles in jail as Rick had said. But the most important thing is that you and your cousins begin the healing and get the help you will need to turn your life around. Now that you guys have grown and are away from those EVIL men I would hope they are not abusing anyone else at this time. Worry about getting the healing you need.
However if you ever find out that they are doing EVIL to other you must find the strength to stop them. Hopefully that day will never come but remember we are here for you. Be strong and begin the healing.
You are an inspiration to all of us.
Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#14417 - 10/28/02 01:28 AM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
i want to thank you all for the support. sorry it's taken so long for me to reply back. i've had a lot to do these last few days.

this experience isn't the worst that happened. i just wanted to stop dwelling on it, and it seemed the cleanest of ones to pick from that i could without being too embarrassed. i do want to apologize to those who read it and got sick, or felt ill, anyone i triggered, i really didn't mean to do that. it just, when i wrote it, i wrote what i was in my head as clearly as possible, i didn't re-read it, just posted it. i didn't realize it was so long either.

several things i want to say. i knew when it happened that it wasn't my fault. responsibility occurred only if i misbehaved, but i didn't. i did exactly what i was told to do, and what the customer wanted, so i knew it was being done for the money, not because of me.

i spoke with my father over these past days, and i've found out a lot about what he and my uncles went thru. long story short, my father didn't tell the woman that. he and my uncle kept talking about it thru the night, and my aunt heard it, and then told her friend. i think she was trying to get my grandfather to allow the woman to move in, so what happened with the woman was more of a pay off for what had been done to her as a child. it had nothing to do with me. she paid, and my father took the money, but otherwise, did nothing. this was because my grandfather told him to let her have me, and my father wouldn't cross him.

it sounds bad, but if you think about it, my father and uncles grew up in pretty much the same situation, only they stayed in the house longer, and they had no one like my youngest uncle to help them. the best way to explain their situation would be placing my father in my position, except he'd keep getting raped, not until he liked it, but until he no longer was bothered by it. kind of like how after a while, you can get used to a sore joint. you know it's sore, but it doesn't register as soreness.

i don't mean to try to make anyone sympathize with my father. it just, knowing what his life, and my uncles' lives, were like makes my past make more sense. my father is nowhere near being a saint, but he did as best as he could with what limited feelings he had. i think he could have tried harder, but then, i'm not him. however, it's because of the way he treated me, the small acts of sympathy and kindness that he managed to hide from my grandfather that i'm able to sympathize with anyone at all. they weren't always cruel, but their kindness was skewed.

all this came out because my grandfather is getting old, and needs to be taken care of. his whole support system, my uncles and aunts, they're abandoning him now that he's no longer all-powerful. and they're staring to reflect on their own lives, i guess seeing their own mortality, and well, they haven't been very kind people.

on a different note, my cousin, brother and i aren't going to attend the group therapy sessions. it was my cousin's decision. he said he couldn't handle it, which was a partial truth. fact is, he doesn't want to tell his sister those things. i feel the same way. my brother was the one to actually tell my cousin that friday's session was the last. understandably, she didn't take it very well. but, i have to agree with my cousin, it isn't just about her. it's about us. they're our experiences, and honestly, we've never really dealt with them. i think that once we have a better grasp on our own experiences, and what they mean to us, it'll be easier to be more open. k was upset by it, figuring we're still trying to keep her out. but really, it hasn't nothing to do with her. most of what happened with us was done for the sake of training us, for shits and giggles, or punishments, none of which were a result of something that had to do with her. in that, we're disconnected. no matter what is said, she'll never fully understand. hell, it's easier speaking about these things with my uncles than it is with her. all that matters is that we're there for each other. the past cannot be changed, and she's hardly bound to repeat, for various reasons.

again guys, thanks for listening, and thanks for the support.

jake


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#14418 - 10/28/02 04:03 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

That's what we're all here together for.

Sounds like you made a good decision balancing the needs of k & the others with the need to take care of yourself. WTG.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#14419 - 10/28/02 10:36 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Jake,
I hope that today is a good day for you.

It took me several times coming back to the page to read your story. All I see is an innocent little kid being tortured with lots of adults around and not one of them does a thing to make him safe.

Jake, I hope you can get away from your sick family members. I don't think they can be trusted at all. You really have so much to work on to get healed yourself.

You are really some kind of guy that you can talk to your father--father or not--I am sure I would get violent with him. I wish that was not the kind of guy I am, BUT when someone harms a child or a teen I just don't think I could control myself.

You are a courageous guy. You are an inspiration.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#14420 - 03/31/03 01:23 AM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Oh god...

I am sorry to bring up such an old post but I found this in a search through the archives.

I did not have the exact experience but I had something close to it. I am so sorry for what you went through. I was sold when I was young too, by my mother. From ages 3 to 10. I understand so much what you went through...

This post was very, very hard for me to read and I had to stop several times because I could not take it but I did make it all the way through. I have not been able to read the responses yet. But just know what I understand, I really really do...

I am so sorry that happened to you. \:\(

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#14421 - 03/31/03 01:42 AM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
SP
I am so sorry for you as well - this is such hard stuff and the pain you endured is tremendous - but as horrible as this post is - the strength in it is that he was able to tell his story - and you are able to see that you are not alone - important steps in healing

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#14422 - 03/31/03 05:34 PM Re: thoughts ... **trigger**
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
jaketk,
I was so sorry to hear what happened to you when you were a kid. You were the adult in that whole messed up family. I am glad to hear that you are getting help. You are on a long road toward healing + we are here to support you all the way.
jaketk, you are so very strong to write this account of your childhood.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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