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#142419 - 02/20/07 12:41 AM I don't kno were this post should go
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
"without trust"

I want so badly to express my anger that has always teaming up inside of me. I believe that that I have found a source forthe rage that I feel but can not or have not been able to expres; but findind guilt intertwined with just the people that I anger towards.

'These' People are relatives and trusted people or people that I felt at the time when nobody cared about pathetic Logan, were attentive towards me; they ared and gave me affection and compssion at a time when I longed for this sooooo much and could/did not recieve it from my own family who in there own way were distant at best and abussive at worse.

He told me I was special and gave me some sort of vale and selfworth-that means alot to a 7yo. But there was a price. at fisrt it seem harmless and a small price to pay for such warmth and affection. when he asked me to take off my shirt I felt a little wiered and uncomfortable but still a small price to pay me my 'freind.'

Now that I look back on it I was definatly Groomed to do the stuff he really wanted from me. When he asked me to take of my shirt because it would make him happy I felt a little bit uncomfortable but did it anyway--I did not for anything want to loae my emotional gold mine of affection that I recieved from him especial at a time when it was a refuge from home.

after the shirt came of it progressed from there with threats to leave me and abondon me and tell my parents what I had been doing leaving a mark of shame of what i had been doing and silencing me by his threats. had I said no more! this stops today! he said it was my fault. I believed him. I was only 8 yrs old!!

the story dose not end here but its all that i feel like writing writing ringht now.

Logan




Edited by Logan (02/20/07 12:49 AM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#143963 - 03/04/07 12:04 AM Re: I don't kno were this post should go [Re: Logan]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I remember such questionable feelings and responses too, my friend. I'm disappointed that no one else has jumped in a given you some encouraging words after about 10 days, but I know how that feels.

My perp was my babysitter when was 10 and I'm pretty sure he sensed that I was gay. He exploited my young curiosity and did not reciprocate. That did not teach me a single positive thing about myself. In fact, I spent the next 25 years trying to replace that sexual intensity, to no avail.

My perp used to ask me to pull up my shirt so our stomachs would touch, which is a memory that was blocked until I came here and started talking it out. He also used to say to me during the abuse, "I love you" and I would say it back.

Thank God I knew at that age that "I love you" was ridiculous, but I still carried that poisonous secret around with me because I thought it was my fault since my body was responding to what was being done to it, and I even went back for more. Even still I know that it was not my fault that my body responded. He did not reciprocate the pleasure, I was happy just to please him, and that just made it much, much worse.

He was lean and muscular and I was discovering that I was attracted to that for the first time. I found him appealing before anything happened, and the memory of that attraction gives me great peace because it tells me that I was gay before the abuse. He also told me that I couldn't tell anyone because I enjoyed to too, and I agreed.

Nevertheless, it robbed me of my right to the decision of when I was ready to experience sex. I think that is a BIG, BIG part of what pains us all. Someone else decided for us by "saying all the right things" to take advantage of our naive little bodies. We had sexual intensity happen to us, and not when we felt it was appropriate. We learned a very perverse, taudry and shameful version of sex at a very young age. We must not waste time blaming ourselves for experiencing pleasure, but realize that it was totally new and exciting, which is what us kids thrived on, but without knowing how it would affect the rest of our lives. Hopefully, we can understand it well enough to recognize when a new relationship is good for us, and when it is toxic.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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