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#143941 - 03/03/07 05:23 PM my marriage has fallen apart can u help!
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hi all
im new to this site and although i havent been abused myself my husband has as a child and really i suppose im looking for help on how to deal with it from people who have been there themselves, ive tried to help but i never know if im doin right from wrong, for the most part we are fine but when the depression sets in he binge drinks and never knows when to stop and then he gets angry i feel like im being punished for what went on in his childhood and at this moment i feel very alone and i know i will never truley understand what he has gone thru i want to help, but feel i am pushed away i know he cant discuss what happened to him with me but even if he just said look im having a bad day can u hug me, leave me be or if he said i need to get out and have some space id understand, instead he keeps it to himself lies about where he is goin and i really cant take it anymore,i feel pushed away and helpless. can anyone help or tell me how they got thru it
ty
kimmy \:\)

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#143942 - 03/03/07 06:07 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Kimmy,
I'm sorry that you are having a rough time. You need to go and buy some books they will help you understand. I read Abused Boys by Mic Hunter. You will never be able to completely understand what your husband is going through but the book will help.
Unfortunately, in many ways you are helpless. You can't change your husband. You can gently encourage him to go to counseling but you can't make him. You need to focus on yourself. You need to realize that you are not the problem. You didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know if any of us have gotten thru this. We may be learning to deal with the issues better. However, this will be something that colors our lives.
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you need to be here but welcome.
WW


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#143949 - 03/03/07 07:57 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: weepywife]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Kimmy, so very sorry to hear you are hurting. At least know you are not the only one. We are all going through a lot of the same things. I read "Allies in Healing" and "Trauma and Recovery" and "Victims No Longer" and they all helped me understand. In addition, I've been reading this site for 9 months now and am STILL learning. In addition I have my OWN counselor who understands male csa issues and she helps me COPE w/ HIS problems significantly. If helps if both of you will see a therapist, as she can be the "go between" and help diffuse things between you all, so your husband can learn to stop misdirecting his anger at YOU, the innocent bystander. It helps me to remember that none of this is my fault, nor my husband's, even though it is hurting both of us, HE is hurting more than I am. Keep coming here - we're here for you.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#144087 - 03/05/07 06:11 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Brokenhearted]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
thank you both thats very helpful, its horrible to sit by and watch ur loved one hurting so, and i did think i was on my own, means so much that im not and that u have taken the time to reply, my husband has been to counsilling and he has said he will go again, it did help while he was goin we were fine for ages but then he had to stop because of work commitments and has gone down hill since, but he has told me he will go i havent had to prompt him which i feel is good, i will look out of rthe books u suggested and ty again for replyin
kimmy \:D x

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#144094 - 03/05/07 06:49 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Hi I'm new here my name is Jodie. I so relate to what your saying. My husband was sexually abuse as a child and we're hving major difficulties in our sex life and with our intimacy and emotional connection. He's so shut down and doesn't want to talk about it. I felt so alone and like the only woman in the world going through this, but since finding this sight I'm no longer alone. Thankyou for sharing


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#144467 - 03/08/07 12:50 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: jodie]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 132
Loc: Planet Earth
kimmy, you may have read this thread but I think it may give you some insight.


http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=142677&page=1#Post142677


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#144556 - 03/08/07 06:12 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Rambler]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hi Kimmy,

I just wanted to welcome you here to MS. I am heartily sorry for the challenges you guys are going through, but it's so great that you are standing up and asking for help. You are definitely not alone, and neither is your husband. Together we can all help one another find a path out of the darkness.

My marriage recently ended, and to no small extent our mutual ignorance of the root cause of my struggles was a major cause. I hope that both you and your husband might find the information and support you need to pull yourselves, and your family though this.

Remember, though, his journey is his own to make. I would encourage you to share with him the existence of this site, but don't force him on to it.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#144582 - 03/08/07 08:18 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: tartugas]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome Kimmy. This place is fabulous and helpful but above all always supportive. Iíve never seen a group of people more willing to bear their souls and share the most intimate and difficult facets of their lives in order to help another.

Iím sorry you and your husband are having a bad time but itís great that he is willing to go back to therapy; it can only help. As for the time you had that was great and now itís not, well, Iím learning that such seems to be the way. I came here over a year ago, distraught and broken but with the belief that since my b/f was in therapy, everything would be OK in short order. I said I knew it would be a loooooooooong journey to healing, but my heart didnít really grasp that concept. Iím finding myself becoming impatient, only in my head, never to him, because I want him to be better NOW! He is better, we are better, but there is still a long way to go. My head knows that, but my heart is having a hard time right now. I say this because you sound like youíre in a similar place. Your husband went to therapy, you were on the right track and everything was good and now your being blind sided by all of this again. Iím sorry for that. All I can say is to keep your head up and take care of yourself just as well as you want to take care of him. The fact that heís willing to back to therapy speaks all good things.

Keep posting and weíll keep responding.

ROCK ON.............Trish

PS: Welcome to you as well Jodie \:\)

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#144808 - 03/10/07 04:57 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Trish4850]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi there Jodie,


I am sorry you're going through this and just wanted to mirror everything trish said really. I've just come to a similar realisation myself over the past couple of weeks.


My bf only recalled part of a memory 9 months ago and so before that, we were together for about 11 years in a pretty much constant state of a mess. Obviously that's because i contributed with my own set of problems, but knowing what i know now, makes me appreciate just how dissorienting it all was. It's dissorienting now, so i can relate to your feeling frustrated/confused by his lack of communication/kindness.

It is so so important to keep a hold on your own life within all of this. I can't promise that i practice what i preach, but i know that's the truth and i'm slowely getting there i think. Try to stay as centred as possible in your own feelings and experience of things and be kind to yourself. It has helped me to have my own support. I see a Homeopath. She just happens to also be a qualified psychotherapist too, so she's really helped me to concentrate on myself. It's not selfish to do that, it's necessary to become as strong as possible in order to be a good support anyway. And also helps to stear clear of enabling and enmeshing.


I'd say have faith in the feelings of love you have for your husband. You are both suffering for a crime committed aginst him but with the right kind of support, i hope for you both, as with myself/my bf and everyone else in the same position, we all make it through to the kind of life we all dream of.



peace
Beccy


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#144837 - 03/10/07 08:07 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: beccy]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Jodie, Kim welcome. Movies are helpful too:

Prince Of Tides is one from the partner's perspective.
Mysterious Skin; and
Antwone Fisher are both great ones from the victims perspective.
Bad Education and others are also said to be very good, but I'm yet to gather the courage to watch them cos BE is supposed to be fairly graphic.

My wife is having a rough time too, she is showing signs of being a Secondary Survivor and I have decided to help her get her life together in order to save our relatinship.

This means declaring Bankruptcy, reducing her work hours, creating disposable income, having some fun with that income and seeing a partner's shrink.

No mean feat, this is some heavy stuff you guys are wading into, so bear in mind, you're not just partners you may be secondaries too, which can make life very, very hard if you don't deal with it. Take it from me, ten years of a totally shit relationship is talking here and we are having to make some really tough decisions on both sides to save it.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#144885 - 03/11/07 04:37 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

What if I put it this way - your marriage is NOT falling apart, it is only showing you newer ways of living and looking at your relationship with your spouse?

As obviously old ways are no longer working.

It is simply time to bring about some drastic change within, so that they can steer your marriage into its healing journey ahead.

What you really need is new perspectives to the problem you have been grappling with, all along single-handedly and perhaps choose make the divine a partner in this part of your life as well.

For starters, allow me to congratulate you, for your courage and tenacity to make the constant choice to continue to love and heal this challenging yet inspiring relationship of yours.

To hang on with a survivor as a spouse is a tough decision that takes daily work, and who to know that better than you.

But the very fact that you have chosen to stay, means that you have a Soul Contract with him. Your journey is tied together with him, in more ways than you can imagine right now.

My obvious question here would be what is it in you that you to get attracted such a wounded soul in your life? Does it make you aware of your own woundedness often to push you into healing mode, or does it merely reflect your inner Ďrescuerí?

This makes it imperative for you to detach a bit to get out of the rescuer mode so that you can both have an empowering relationship. With adequate detachment and perspective you both can Ďgrowí happily ever after! This singular fact makes it a promising relationship, worthy of all your efforts so far.

First things first, you need to understand that the best way to learn from such a relationship is to allow them your grace which is accepting them completely, just the way they are, without expecting to change a thing.

Having done that completely, you will notice that learning becomes easy, so does your mutual healing. As his healing is tied to yours, and vice versa. Healing simply means becoming whole and that is what you both teach other through your mutual presence.

As move on steadily, on to your healing path, he will start healing himself steadily. Both inspired by your efforts to heal yourself and by your changing response to his predicaments.

Coming to him just as a rescuer might be the worse thing to do, as a victim of abuse seldom allow access to a rescuer, unless he wants to enter into a life of dependency which in any case is not healthy for either of you. As I am sure you want an empowering relationship with him, and this one has all the possibilities for it.

If you can see it as that, you would definitely reach the ground where you both can mature and heal into complete and empower individuals.

So, right now all the efforts should to learn as much as you can from this relationship and allow it to transform you, as that is best way to heal it as well.

Now, what you can do to help, is to work in background with the divine as a partner. Pray for grace yourself, and for your spouse, that way will be able to offer him the grace he deserves from you as a soul companion.

Here grace means complete acceptance of who he is, and what all he brings to the relationship Ė opportunities for you to grow as soul and learn to love unconditionally, by learning to respect his status and allowing him the space he needs to expand and grow in your presence.

The problem would be when you try to shoulder all the weight of the relationship yourself, as that is when you will not only forget your own healing, plus also fail to aid in his healing and of course mutual empowerment, as that is the soul purpose of such a relationship.
And even if you try to do so, you will not only drain yourself in the process and push him away.

Accepting him just the way he is, is part of offering him grace, supposing he will not change, till you change yourself. He is simply an aid you have chosen for this life time to grow from.

The next question would be what inner healing does being married to wounded soul initiate in your own life. Does it constantly remind you of something you need to heal within?

Once you get busy doing that, he will get better too, do not get trapped in the rescuer archetype as nothing pushes away a victim than being confronted by someone who wants to 'help out'.

See how he is help you heal your self, by reflecting your own wounded parts.

I would suggest a brief reading of Caroline Myss book. Sacred Contracts to help you with a better view to this situation.

Always the thing to focus on is what is he trying to teach me, thru reflection or a living example.


All the best

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#144908 - 03/11/07 10:43 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: AshSurvived]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
Kimmie-

The suggested books are amazing and help give you the insights to understand. I also suggest the Grief Recovery Handbook and Life Shift. Both of these books are very informative and Life Shift is a very good book on the power of positive thinking and affirmations.

I wish you both the very best. You will find much support and love on this site that will lead to miraculous solutions and suggestions.. and did I mention you will meet the most amazing people? You will!

Welcome aboard and feel free to ask anything!


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#150802 - 04/14/07 03:09 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: AshSurvived]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hes finally gone, took the birth of our 4th child shes barely 3 weeks old,he was great all thru the labour and after looking after me caring for the kids making sure everythin was right,but now only a few weeks after he has again gone awol and i cant take it anymore, i dont like to think ive given up on him but i have, i cant do this anymore, he disappeares for days turns his fone off, i have kids to think about i too need support which he aint able to give me like i have given him since we been together and now i have to be selfish which im finding hard cos i love him so, but me and the kids deserve better, i really didnt see my marriage ending but now it has i feel empty, alone but in a way relieved that me and the kids will no longer be treated like less than a friend like someone whos not worth being nice to or passing the time of day with, guess his mates the booze and the guy that did this awful thing to him won in the end.

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#150804 - 04/14/07 03:32 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kimmy, sometimes it can be like an unexploded bomb, and you can make it worse by trying to find out what he is experiencing.
Its a bit like something that nobody could explain, memories
of abuse, the anger that ensues, and many other outlying things like stress can sure trigger him.

He needs to substitute his drinking because it makes anger worse not better, but firstly, you should never be victim to his anger.
Reassurance could help, knowing that you will not leave him, but
you must tell him how hurt you are, because of it.

Its not easy to explain, but hope it gets better,

ste


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#150807 - 04/14/07 03:46 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: reality2k4]
ChainBreaker Offline


Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
(((((Kimmy)))))

Hugs to you!

I am so sorry to hear that he has done this. He must have lots of rage. It's too bad he hasn't learned how to work it out, but this is typical of survivors, especially in the early stages of recovery, but more pertinently in his case, it's typical of survivors who are not in recovery at all.

Protect yourself and your kids. Do what you must, even if it means moving out. If he comes back with any degree of contrition and you are willing to see him, working out some behavioral boundaries may be helpful. In the end, though, he needs recovery. Please make him aware that there are people who can support him, but without forcing it on him. If he can't or won't heal, you may have to end the relationship.

Take care of yourself.

_________________________
When I figure out who I am, I'll add a signature line.

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#150815 - 04/14/07 05:29 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: ChainBreaker]
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
(((((Kimmy)))))

More hugs to you and your children. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#150825 - 04/14/07 06:24 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: stride]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Kimmy, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how frightened and angry you must be. Do you have family or friends close by who you can lean on? If you do, please reach out. You and your kids need support. This is going to sound cold, but F... your husband. I don't really care what his issues are right now, leaving you alone with 4 children, one of which is a newborn infant is inexcusable! Take care of yourself and your kids. If nothing else, demand that he help financially support all of you. You're post has me so mad! You and your kids deserve much more than the crap you're being handed.

Again, please reach out to family and friends. If he comes around, fine, but I think at this point, you can't count on that and you have to make plans to move in the best direction for you and the children.

I'll be thinking of you.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#150987 - 04/15/07 04:36 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Trish4850]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
ty all for your support, its nice to here peoples opinions that aint close to either of us if u know what i mean, im so tired now people say im strong and ill get thru it but i dunno, i just wanted to be with the man i love and now the reality has hit that this aint ever going to happen anjd i dont really know him at all, he promised me this weekend we would go out as a family i was so worried he would do this and hes gone and proved me right, he even said to me dont worry i aint going anywhere :S he proved me wrong there didnt he :|, he came back today to get some of his stuff, not even bothered that it was over or it seemed to me anyway by his attitude not even a sorry for the way hes treated us, i think if my hormones werent all over i could probably handle it, but im seein couples out togther and people on the telly together and im just breaking down, i know im being selfish now but im so fed up of hearing how hard done by he is im tired so tired he thinks of no one else but himself, i know now after all we been thru he aint never gunna change and the man that did this to him has in a way won cos he is ruining his adult life too, but it isnt up to me to make him change he can only do that himself for himself i realise that now, thanks again people its nice to know im not alone
ty and tc all
kimmy xxx

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#151087 - 04/16/07 08:16 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: weepywife]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kimmy,

Welcome to the forum. I see you have already had some great feedback. What a great bunch of partners this gang is. It just amazes me.

I don't have a lot to add, but would just stress something that Weepywife said:

Originally Posted By: weepywife
You can't change your husband. You can gently encourage him to go to counseling but you can't make him. You need to focus on yourself. You need to realize that you are not the problem. You didn't do anything wrong.


This is so true, and I would only comment that many times a survivor doesn't want his partner to fix anything; he just wants to know someone is listening. The feeling of being so alone with our abuse issues is sometimes a crushing burden.

That said, be strong for yourself first. You count too, you know, and I think it's fair to say that a partner needs really solid reserves of confidence and direction of her own in order to reach out effectively to her hurting loved one.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#151088 - 04/16/07 08:18 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: jodie]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: jodie
Hi I'm new here my name is Jodie. I so relate to what your saying. My husband was sexually abuse as a child and we're hving major difficulties in our sex life and with our intimacy and emotional connection. He's so shut down and doesn't want to talk about it. I felt so alone and like the only woman in the world going through this, but since finding this sight I'm no longer alone. Thankyou for sharing


Jodie, I just saw your post tucked into this thread and I want to welcome you to Male Survivor. There's a great group of partners, family members and friends here and I know you will find a lot of support and understanding.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#152140 - 04/21/07 08:34 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: roadrunner]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Thamkyou Larry,
I'm not posting just reading but it helps a lot. We ae in counselling now, I have to remember to be grateful for small steps forward. SometimesI want him to just got to counselling every week twice you know go all out and get it sorted. I then have to stop and remember he i doing the best he can.
It is difficult when you feel like your needs aren't being met, but I have to keep remembering this ain't about me. The reasons behind my husband not being able to connect with me intimately and affectionately have nothing to do with me personally. I guess at first thats where I went, whats wrong with me!!! Anyway thru reading and counselling I just hope we can move forward. I have hope from here. thanks


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#152145 - 04/21/07 08:56 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: jodie]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jodie,

Originally Posted By: jodie
It is difficult when you feel like your needs aren't being met, but I have to keep remembering this ain't about me. The reasons behind my husband not being able to connect with me intimately and affectionately have nothing to do with me personally. I guess at first thats where I went, whats wrong with me!!!


I just wish it were easier for the survivor himself to see what's going on and how it's affecting his partner. I myself didn't "get it" at all until I started reading and posting in F&F a lot. And a further part of the difficulty is that when the survivor tells his partner that the problem isn't her, he's opening the door to a lot of questions about what's wrong with HIM.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#152148 - 04/21/07 09:27 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: roadrunner]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Yes thats true, questions abou whats going on or him!!! I guess I wasn't aware of the long term affects of the abuse and how it was going to impact our marriage.
My husband told me about the abuse when we first stared dating, just over four years ago. For the first 10 month or so he used to drink and we didn't seem to have any problems intimately. Then I asked him to stop drinking or I'dhave to go as I wasn't handling the drinking.
Anyway as the story goes I guess the drink helped him to relax, but he always had these odd behaviours ( to me they were odd)and he always had excuses and justifications as to why he'd do them.( I know now he believed the justifications and can still believe some of them)
I was sarting to question it more and more and asked him to go to counselling an he wasn't into it. This was about 3 years ago. nyway finally I couldn't go on any longer in our marriage(1 year in March) my needs were not being met and I was becoming more and more unhappy, he was more and more angry and we were ighting and the stress was too much.
I said that we need counselling again and this time we had to stick at it. I found this website before we went and I found a bunch of information that had my husbands behaviours in it to a tee! So I printed it all off and gave it to him. That was the start of him opening the door.
See he felt he had dealt with it, forgiven the perp, let the secret out and all ws well. I struggled with that way of thinking with him for a long time before I cracked. I knew that all the behaviours were set up to keep him safe, but he didn't see it.
I borrowed Mike Lews Victims no longer from the library and hes started reading i now. I'm so grateful I came across this site. It really gave me the hope I needed in my darkest moment.
Cheers


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#153415 - 04/30/07 06:00 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: roadrunner]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hi all
just to let u know he is back, i just couldnt give up on him,us, the relationship, what we have, he seems like a new guy he is going to aa and has chatted in here, i hope he continues i know it aint going to be easy or all a bed of roses but he seems different like he wants to make a change the loving, caring guy i married the great father to our kids, i love him so much that i really want to make it work, id told myself that was it id never have him back but he knows this time is the last time its time for change, to be a family to put the past behind him, to let whats gone on with us go,
heres to a new life just hope it works out
ty for all ur posts theyve given me lots of strength
ty again
kimmy xx

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

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#153465 - 04/30/07 11:21 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Kimmy,
Cool! I wish you all the best. Don't hesitate to keep posting. There's a long road ahead, and we do help each other make our way forward over the rough patches.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#153973 - 05/02/07 03:05 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: honey girl]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
ty honey girl its good to know im not on my own \:D
love
kimmy x

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

Top
#155648 - 05/11/07 01:53 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
vintagefilmlover Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/14/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Virginia
I haven't read all the posts but my boyfriend and I have alot of sexual issues. we met online...he continued to stay in the online cybersex world. he kept it a secret for a year and then I put up with it for another year until I said either counseling or i would leave. he agreed to the counseling. he is VERY affectionate but we rarely have sex. he is skinny and wears alot of clothing. he does not know that I know he was abused. his sister told me 6 months into our relationship. alot of these problems are making me feel like he's not attracted to me. i'm also 6 years older than him. he comes from a devout catholic family so we do not live together. i just need some advice since this relationship has been so hard. but since i'm aware of what has happened to him i have not left. plus i love him like crazy.


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#159048 - 05/30/07 09:48 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: vintagefilmlover]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
sorry to hear what your going thru, there is an 8 yr gap between us and we are both catholics i dont know what advice to give u hunny apart from be there for him but dont also become a victim of what happened, u can only be there if he wants u too i learnt that he may be ashamed of hats happened to him and in my case although i know my husband was abused i dont know the ins and outs which i think in a way is better, if he doesnt know u know maybe its up to the sister that told u to tell him that u know it will come as a big shock i suspect at first to him that u do know, my husband told me a yr into our relationship after we was married infact for fear of losin me, he like ur partner had no self worth but i think now he is turning it round and realising he is worth alot to all the people close to him , so hang in there hunny im sure things will get better for both of you it just takes alot of time and ups and downs and alot of belief....
hope this helps

kimmy xx

_________________________
just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

Top
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