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#143936 - 03/03/07 04:56 PM Off topic, disappointment
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Sometime, it just seems is disappointing to me, that people you think you know good enough, you do not. I have friend, good friend, she and I actualy was partners in my last year of competing in sport, and she is very smart, very kind, very decent girl. I find out that now, she is involve herself with a married man (this man who, he cheat his first wife with the one who become second wife, and now have cheat the second wife with three different women I know of, and they been married just over a year). I can not believe this. I try to talk with her on it, because I could not believe it when a friend tell to me. She tell me, oh Visha, you do not understand. What there is to understand? This is married dog, who is now using you to do nasty on his wife again. She say he tell her they are not happy, their marriage been over since it almost start, and his wife just will not yet give to him divorce. I say, well, that could all be just fine and truth, and even more truth, he is still married. She did not want to hear more of this from me, so I just tell to her, ok, when he is done with you and break your heart also, you can call me and I will talk with you then.

She is young girl, only 20, and not someone so experienced of life. But, still, I do not understand it. There is several other persons I have known in last two or three years that involve themself with married person. I do not understand of this, this is something, I never have been married, but I can not imagine to do. Is there something of it that I am not knowing? It is seeming more often to happen in our culture, that the ladies like to 'try out' the married men. I am not sure of why it is happening, but it is something rather to discust me.

VN


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#143940 - 03/03/07 05:22 PM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: VN]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Visha,

I agree with you.

Many women have a low self esteem and will go to anyone that will tell them what they want to hear and give them attention. They really crave that attention just as much as we survivors did when we were young and being abused. They really are not able to see what is really going on (and some never will). Since your friend is only 20 years old, I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's a lesson that she must learn on her own and unfortunately, you telling her what is right will probably not work to well. She is very young, she will learn the hard way.

It is also a good practice to not expect people you care about and respect to be perfect (I have a big problem doing this even today). If we do this, we will be disappointed quickly and often.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#143990 - 03/04/07 06:56 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: Brian]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Visha -Brian

I agree - totally, really well said.

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#143991 - 03/04/07 06:58 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
all I can offer as well Visha - is be there for her for when she 'falls'

so she is not left totally alone - and thinks - that life is just this -

life has dangers - but be there for the bad times - so she is not crushed

-- Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#143992 - 03/04/07 07:02 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
a wise friend said

sometimes we don't know what we are going through - until we are

out the other end of it -

when we are in the middle of something sometimes
we can be blind to it -

even though others around us - can see it -

so be patient for her - if you wish

I think Brians is right too

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#143993 - 03/04/07 07:04 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
she has to go through - it - no one can do that for her.

it's sad to see it happen though.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#143994 - 03/04/07 07:04 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
to see her hurt - or
just that kind of thing...

it's life though -

we all learn by mistakes..

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#143995 - 03/04/07 07:05 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
trial and error is how we learn about ourselves and life...

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#144001 - 03/04/07 09:58 AM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: VN]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Visha, you are a survivor and see things differently to these people.
It happens in my country too.

Myself, I would think it, unthinkable to break a marriage, but some have no feelings other than of themselves.
It is totally selfish to make relationships as these when it is so hard to find any decent relationship,

ste


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#144032 - 03/04/07 06:59 PM Re: Off topic, disappointment [Re: reality2k4]
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
This former partner of yours is lucky to have you for a friend, she's going to need one with such risky behavior. Why doesn't she see that if the man she's going with is cheating on his wife with her, why wouldn't he do the same if she should commit to a relationship with him? I'm not here to suggest that everyone ought to stay married, once married, but this guy seems to have a real track record of multiple partners with neither respect for boundaries nor vows.
Your former partner is lucky to have you for a friend...she's going to need one. I guess I already said that.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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