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#143952 - 03/03/07 08:28 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: AshSurvived]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Thanks Ash.

I actually want to be female. Not the transgender way, but just magically. Like POOF! I'm a female. Hey, my logic doesn't resemble anyone else's. I used to try to emulate the star trek vulcans: completely 'logical' and no emotions. I have alot of feelings but I'm not sure where to post them. I'm looking for feedback, but I'm not sure about what could be 'triggering' for anyone else.

One of the main things is that this journey I'm on has always been with just me (and lots of t's, etc). I'm glad to have others going along. But maybe I'll just post in the main forum. I don't want to appear *scared* or *unsure* - I always have to keep up appearances and I don't know how to stop.

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#143968 - 03/04/07 01:19 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: SaberCat]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Spok was totally my role model as a kid, but up till now I've never really known why. If you post in survivor stories others can't reply in the thread, so perhaps yuo'll want to post in the main forum, just let out as much rope as your comfortable with, seems to work for me. I've only been here a little over a month and I am getting better at letting my guard down, there's been the odd bump negotitating other human beings which I always find awkward, but it's getting easier.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#144007 - 03/04/07 01:27 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: AshSurvived]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Hi SaberCat

Welcome to MS

I was taught to be like spock when I was being raised - emmotion was not allowed in the house - only logic

it is only just the past 5 years that I've even been able to let any emmotion out at all

I don't think I ever really wanted to be a girl - I just did'nt want to be a boy - as a young boy my "boy parts" is what got me into trouble - without those parts there would of been no trouble (at least that is the way my young mind at the time processed it)

Saber - I'm no therapist at all - but I do deeply get the feeling that in your core you really don't want to be a girl either - just that there is a lot of confusion from what was done to you - keep talking it out here with us - this is a great place to make sense of the things that made no sense to us when we were younger

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#144013 - 03/04/07 03:29 PM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: TJ jeff]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Ash, TJ, Thanks for your feedback.

I'm just trying to accept (at a fundamental level) the fact that men (all of us, especially me) are not INTRINSICALLY bad or wrong. Intellectually I know that 1/2 of the human species is not bad, but I am still dealing with the fact that I have always felt 'not-OK'

It is also amazing to speak to other men and it's OK. I've had so much fear of being labeled a 'Homosexual' (and many other things, like being accused of molesting children) that its difficult to say these things. It has nothing to do with actual homosexuallity, buy evrything to do with my fears. The fears were ever present, everywhere I went. If I went to a public restroom, I was sure that a gay man would come on me. Or if A child was present, as soon as he left, I expected the police to come cart me away. I never actually wanted these things, but there was an oppressive fear. There still is about many things.

I'm going to post in the main forum. I feel the same old belief that every homosexual on the board will be at my font door with torches and pitchforks: because I said the wrong thing, or whatever. I have spent so long trying to be right, well 'not-wrong' that I am afraid of it


_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#144073 - 03/05/07 02:37 AM Re: Hatred of being born w/ Male parts (TRIGGERS) [Re: SaberCat]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
I'm glad you've decided to take the step to the big board so early, it's a really big one to actually post your feelings there, especially as I know where you're coming from. I still feel that way. I live near a highschool and I am really careful about not being outside or visible in the windows during the times kids might be around. Cos I just 'know' I'm going to get accused of something and carted off to prison to share a cell with you. It's crazy, but I do still feel like that,.... and it shouldn't, but it still does surprise me when someone names precisely what I'm feeling here.

I think a lot of old timers here understand that we need to vent, and also understand that your views are about where you are now. I thought I would get totally crucified for posting my last story, but I didn't. And there's plenty of really offensive stuff in there, but people somehow saw me behind that and said I was OK, and that has meant everything this week.

But, I have been crucified before, mainly in the F&F forum, so I avoid that one unless I have something really useful to share.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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