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#142794 - 02/22/07 06:11 PM not sure how much longer I can live a lie
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Hello all.
I am starting to come to the realization that this may never get better. I want to stay married to my husband. He has attended one therapy session.....maybe 2...I'm not sure because he doesn't talk about it to me. The therapy is all I am holding on to. It is my hope. I know that therapy is a long road but if he continues to go...at least I have hope. I am willing to continue sticking it out and see how things go. But I am starting to think that some day I may end up divorced....something that I never ever thought about up until a few months ago. I hope I don't. I want to stay with my husband but I am starting to imagine what life would be like if we separated.
I am starting to feel like I am going to burst with all this stuff that I am carrying around inside of me. I don't feel like I need to go to a therapist. I feel like I need to talk to a friend or my mom. I feel like I need advice from someone who knows me and my husband.
I am sick of living this lie. I am sick of feeling guilty for hanging out with my best friend ...who happens to be a guy. I am sick of people asking me why I don't have kids. I am sick of people asking me where my husband is. I want to tell the people closest to me why I am acting the way I am. I want to tell them the reason I am insanely busy, spend a lot of time with my best friend, don't have kids, and am not planning any romantic vacations with my husband is because of this Flicking abuse! I want to tell them the reason I don't spend as much time with my husband as I used to is because we need time apart because of this abuse. The reason I don't gush on and on about him like I used to is because of this abuse. My whole life is a lie. The most important problem in my life right now the people who are closest to me have no idea.

I don't even want to spend time with my Mom this weekend because I am afraid she will ask me something about my marriage and I will break down. Or she will say....you need to have some married couple friends for you and your husband to hang out with and stop spending so much time with your best friend (who happens to be a guy) and I will snap at her.

I once asked my husband if I could tell someone I knew. He said fine but not to tell him who it was. If I tell someone I know then I have to lie to my husband about it. I am sick of living lies. I asked him about talking to the pastor at my church. He said if the pastor ever found out he would never set foot in the church again. I am afraid that if I told anybody I would be able to keep it a secret from my husband and then he wouldn't be able to handle it.

Thanks for reading,
WW


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#142797 - 02/22/07 06:26 PM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: weepywife]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I sent you a PM.


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#142894 - 02/23/07 11:09 AM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: Dewey2k]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
WW,

I so know the place you're in. I still feel it to a degree. We've been charged with keeping the secret that our husbands and boyfriends have told us, yet by doing so, they unwittingly thrust a very similar burden on us that they've been carrying all these years. The difference is, we don't see the secret as their shame, only their hurt. We arenít shackled by shame, only by the need not to harm them further. Our first instinct is to learn and to talk. Keeping silent doesnít make any sense to us, we didnít do anything wrong! Our survivor didnít do anything wrong! Why on earth canít we speak to someone close to us in order to help ease the burden of this horror? Our thought processes come from very different place in this situation.

I did the same thing you did. I told m b/f I couldnít hold all of this inside me and I desperately needed to speak with someone who loved me and who would help me. He understood that and gave me permission to speak to whoever I needed to. He knew I wasnít about to go ďairing dirty laundryĒ all around town, not even to our mutual friends, but he knew I needed some support of my own. I did speak to my brother and my sister. They didnít/donít fully understand, but they know him, they know me and they support my decision to stay with him and support him. We donít speak about this often, but itís often enough to calm me when I need it. I also saw a therapist of my own a few times, which was priceless, and Iíve been invited a couple of times to see his therapist with him. My situation is a little better than yours at the moment I know, but it wasnít always.

If your husband has given you permission to speak with someone, but doesnít want to know who, I understand that. If the person you speak to is someone you trust then Iím going to assume that they arenít going to put him in the position of being uncomfortable and I wouldnít worry about it. Not telling your husband who that person is is a little white lie by omission, one that he asked for, therefore, not harmful to either of you. My b/f does know that I spoke to my sister and my brother and he was very, very apprehensive about seeing them for the first time after we spoke. He had no reason to fear and everything was and is fine.

WW, you do need to speak with someone in your real life, not just us. You love your husband and would never hurt him but you too need someone to hold you up sometimes. Donít feel guilty about that, itís human.

ROCK ONÖÖ

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#142987 - 02/23/07 08:04 PM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: weepywife]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
WW,

If your best friend is someone who just happens to be a guy and isn't your husband, then your marriage is already in danger. You do need someone in the real world to listen to you. Seeing a T for yourself, or talking to a pastor (not from your own church, if that's what it takes) might do you a world of good.

You said your husband wouldn't want to know who you told. Can you tell a family member? Venting here is good, but it won't be enough.

Please find someone who will be worthy of your trust and won't be a potential danger to your marriage. Then talk to them.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#143018 - 02/24/07 05:14 AM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: outis]
kishka06 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/21/06
Posts: 38
WW,
I agree with what has been said. You do need to find someone you ABSOLUTELY trust, and use them to lean on. As far as you best friend being a guy, not necessarily a problem - is your husband OK with it? But... others may read things the wrong way now - since you and your husband are obviously behaving differently. Just thinking out loud...this doesn't really have anything to do with anything. My fiance's best friend is a girl, and I am totally OK with it.

I confided in my best friend...she was amazing. She just listened to me - I had a lot of venting and confusion. Never judging, just concerned for how I was coping. I know she will keep this to herself as long as she lives.

As far as everyone else is concerned. For those closest to you, this is what I did... Tell them that you are working through some 'baggage from the past'. When I offered that to people, they didn't pursue it further, and respected our privacy.

Kishka


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#143323 - 02/26/07 06:02 PM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: kishka06]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Thanks for your input. It really helped. I have an appointment to see my pastor in a couple days. The pastor knows me and my husband but I trust him completely. I figure worst case scenario we can always change churches but we can't change families. I do feel like I am betraying my husband to some degree. But I also feel that I deserve to talk to someone. Maybe I will eventually need therapy too but I deserve to talk to someone I know and who knows me.
Hope I don't wimp out.


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#143326 - 02/26/07 06:44 PM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: weepywife]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Pretty silly to reply to myself. I'm just freaking out a bit. I feel like I am lying to my husband and betraying his trust. I don't want to tell him because then I don't think he will ever go to church again. I don't want to see a therapist I want to talk to someone I know and respect. What if he finds out that I told (because I don't have a good poker face) and then he has a panic attack? Should I tell him before I go? I am afraid that will make him uncomforable


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#143333 - 02/26/07 08:42 PM Re: not sure how much longer I can live a lie [Re: weepywife]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
WW,

There's nothing silly about replying to your own post if you have more to say.

Your husband said he'd never go back to church if your pastor knew about the abuse, right? So telling him before you go will precipitate the discussion about why you have to talk, and why you chose your pastor.

My pastor has been very supportive of me, and I have never seen or heard any sign that he mentioned things I told him to anyone else. Pastors hear a lot that most of us don't.

If your husband has a panic attack over something else, what do you do to help? That's what to do if he has a panic attack over your talking to your pastor. He may very well be "uncomfortable," to borrow your term. But he's not going to get beyond that until he starts talking. And you're not going to get beyond your own pain until you have the chance to talk.

Starting the healing is the most difficult part. You'll get through this, and you'll be better off for it.

HTH,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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