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#143301 - 02/26/07 03:36 PM Let me vent!
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
I need to vent for a bit so please excuse me.

I'm feeling really angry right now. A couple of therapy sessions ago my T asked if I was angry with my mother because of the abuse. I said no. My perp was my dad's best friend by-the-way. My parents were constantly fighting and my dad abusive. My mother wasn't physically abusive. however, I was afraid of both of them.

The screaming and breaking dishes, stomps and thumps that would wake me up at night frightened me to death. I used to cry in bed at night with my headphones on and my pillow over my head to muffle my crying and drown out the fighting.

I grew up in a very strict conservative christian home. Though neither of my parents practice what they were teaching. We were forbidden from talking about sex or any of our "private parts". That would mean a whipping with the belt.

I couldn't tell them what happened. I would have been punished. I would have be whipped. I would not have been believed. Not against my dad's best friend. I'm so fu*&ing angry. I'm angry at both of my parents for not helping me. I'm so angry because they ignored me. Dad made play sports to make him look good and mom made listen to her problems to make herself feel better. No one listened to me. No one cared about me.

To this day I'm still listening to my mother's problems. I get dumped upon because I am a worthless person. My dad won't talk to me because I'm not the man he wants me to be. My wife just wants to be better. I'm a freak and it doesn't matter because no one cares. No one cared when I was a kid and getting hurt so why would anyone care now. My parents were more concerned about what happened after I died then while I am alive.

I don't act out the way some of you guys do so maybe I'm better off, but by god I don't feel better off. I feel so screwed up and I want to just be okay for a minute. I want to feel normal for a minute. I want my parents to say "I'm sorry" or at least "I believe you." I want my wife to stop looking at me with pity and stop asking me to cross-dress to deal with our sex. I want to feel better and I don't. Why don't I feel okay?

So I was wrong. I am angry with my mother. I am angry. I don't know how you guys do it. I swear you all must be so strong. I feel very weak. I'm having such tough time and I don't think I have ever felt so defeated. (melodromatic?) It has to get better it just has to.

Thanks for letting me sound off. I don't feel better, but I just needed to get it off my chest. Sorry if it is incoherent.

Blessings.
-lost


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#143305 - 02/26/07 04:06 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi lost. We have not spoken yet I don't think. So....."Hello"

I don't know how far along you are in your recovery, (I'm glad you mentioned a T), but have you considered writing a letter to your parents (and perhaps other family members as well so that they will be compelled to answer) about what exactly they did to fail you so miserably as parents?

You HAVE anger, how about USING it and channel it into a letter that berates them for their shortcomings and neglect? I wrote a letter to my own parents shortly after disclosing to them. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=41481&page=55#Post41481

Lost? Have you disclosed to YOUR parents? Are you thinking of doing it? Have you confronted your perp?

One thing to note about my relationship with my parents is that they were merely neglectful, not outright abusive, so their response may have been more favorable, BUT, if you make their guilt UNDENIABLE by explain EXACTLY what your Dad's "friend" did to you, you might find some healing in that.

How old is your boy now? I'm glad you found someone in your life and have a relationship, and I hope she's supportive with all this stuff you're dealing with.


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#143309 - 02/26/07 04:29 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser, no i don't think we have met. So...."Hello" and thanks for the response.

I disclosed to my mother about a year ago. It turned into a discussion of how bad she feels it. I ended up comforting her and decided that I probably would not do that again.

My parents had 5 childern and I am the oldest son. About 3 years after the abuse my parents started a very nasty divorce. Right in the middle of it all my one of my little brothers was hit by a car, aged 13. He suffered a close head injury and never recovered. After 18 years as an invalid he died last April. I mention that only because my parents fought like hell over my brothers medical bills and my dad's abuse got worse and so did the neglect for me and my other siblings.

I am 33 and still afraid of my father. He won't talk to me because last Christmas he called my sister in law a faggot to my son who just turn two, and I chided him over it and told him that we (my wife and I) aren't teaching our son to use hateful language. Well, he bullied me out the door and I have only seen him once and that was at my brothers funeral last april.

My perp is dead. He died of throat cancer right before my parents divorce. I remember my dad telling me that he had cancer and I ran from him and hid in the woods behind my house.

I don't know why I ran, but I knew I didn't want to hear about my perp. My mom was emotionally abusive and my dad was emotionally and physically abusive. My wife is super. She gets frustrated with me sometimes and lately therapy has been difficult so I'm not the model of sunshine. She keeps telling me she doesn't know how to support me. I want to tell her to let me drink, but I realize that won't really solve anything. She's known about the abuse for a long time, but I think it has been a shock to her in sense that she didn't realize how bad I was feeling all of the time. She's also never heard me actually say what happened. That REALLY upset her.

My son turned three in december. He is the most wonderful and amazing gift. He is so cute and smart that I worry he'll be targeted. I'm really paranoid about that. So help me god if anyone ever harms him!

The letter might be a good idea, but I'm not ready for the chaos it may cause. My other siblings don't know about it yet and I'm not strong enough to tell them.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143313 - 02/26/07 04:54 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Well one day, you WILL be stronger! I'm sorry about your brother. What was his name?

I'm so happy for you that you have a family to care for and find solace with, I would love to have my own kids but I can't even get my shit together enough to land a job that pays enough to afford a family.


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#143319 - 02/26/07 05:50 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Lost,

You can vent all you want here! Most of us know how your feel. Many have been let down by parent(s) who were busy, working or whatever, while we were going through our trauma. They didn't have all the information that today is common knowledge, but that doesn't make us hurt any less! We still were not protected when we were children. Many of us (me included) seem to hold on to anger toward our parents but fail to have that same level of anger toward the people who abused us. I still don't understand why; when I find the answer, I'll be sure to let you know!

I'm glad you found us are here at Male Survivor!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#143369 - 02/27/07 02:02 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Brian]
Joseph25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/06
Posts: 76
Loc: Canada
Lost, Its horrible that your parents never listened and still wont take the time to. I think the things you are talking about doesnt make you screwed up or a freak. It is a result of a freak and screwed up perp who prayed on a innocent boy. To be angry at the perps and those that failed to protect you is rightly justified. I care about what you have to say and will listen along with everyone else here.


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#143371 - 02/27/07 02:36 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Joseph25]
Halibut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/06
Posts: 228
Loc: Alaska
Hi Lost,

As painful as it is, and the torture in your soul comes through in your vent, it is good. All of that stuff has been inside you for years and tying you up and now it's out so that you can address it and find healing and overcome it. What was done to you by both your perp and your parents was wrong, and I'm sorry it happened to you, you deserved better.

IT WILL GET BETTER! Right now you've opened up a well of pain, but it will get better. I know I'm not strong, but when I had to face my demons of the past I fel weak ander overwealmed and got through it ( and am still working on it). It does get better.

It's obvious you love and are gratetful for you wife and your son, despite being abused you have created a good relationship with your wife, and are a loving and proud Dad. You'll get through this and be happier and enjoy your love and your son all the more.
Hang in there, it get better and rant anytime!

Hal


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#143377 - 02/27/07 05:59 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Lost,
Quote:
Why don't I feel okay?
Because what they did to you, what all the people who abused you did to you, was not okay.

This is a place a lot of guys have discovered when we didn't feel okay. You can see the care and concern in the replies you have received. We all need to vent. We all need to be heard. We all need to matter. And we all do.

The fear for your son is pretty common among survivors, I think. I've worried about my kids' safety over and over since my oldest son was born. Of course, good parents without abuse in their own past care about their kids' safety, too. But as bad as what they might imagine, what they might see in a nightmare, they don't deal with the kinds of memories we have. Your T can help you understand what's a reasonable precaution, and what can be overprotective and counterproductive.

You're in a good place here. You're working with a T. You have a supportive wife and a wonderful family. You're aware of your feelings and can even call abuse what it was. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Lost. You are okay, and you're going to feel that way.

Thanks,

Joe



Edited by outis (02/27/07 09:33 PM)
_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#143393 - 02/27/07 08:49 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Thanks for all the responeses. I post here sometimes and then feel guilty because I don't think that I have the right or that maybe I'm not good enough and should just keep my mouth shut.

I really do appreciate you all allowing me to ramble on.

Hauser;
My brother's name is Jason. He died on April 23, 2006 one week before his 31st birthday. He had several lung infections that he had been fighting for many years. Eventually, antibiotics were not killing the infections.

You know, I never thought that I would ever get my shit together enough to get out of school much less be stable enough to have a kid. In my family I have always been seen as the wise and impartial one. My family come to me for answers, to be strong and supportive. So I have been driven to maintain that image and through that I have acheived a certain level of success. My mask has fallen away and my strength along with it. I'm not used to feeling week and vunerable.

Yes, I do feel fortunate to have a supportive wife. Though we almost blew though. She is starting to figure out all of the crap that is rolling around in my head and in my past. My T says that I feel safe around my wife and I suppose I do though I'll admit I expect her to get tired of this eventually and leave. Did I mention that I'm a pessimist?

One thing that makes me so angry is my son. Not that he is actually behind the anger, but I cannot imagine treating my son the way my parents treated my siblings and I. I cannot imagine hitting or threatening physical abuse. I cannot imaging being so far removed from my son that I would not see a hurt boy. If I have these feelings toward my son and my expression of love for him is so different from my parents, I must conclude that my parents really didn't give a damn. That hurts.

Thanks Hal, Joseph and Joe for all the encouragement. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like I'll ever feel better. I'm such a logically driven person and emotions make very little logical sense to me. I sometimes wish, no, actually most of the time I wish I had never opened this can of worms. It seems too big sometimes. I wish sometimes I could just sit in my closet the way i did after my perp got me. I would just sit in the dark and cry in pain and confusion. I can't do that though.

I know things will get better and I realize that all things in life are temporary. This too shall pass. I just need to hold on a little longer.

Thanks you. I love you all.

Blessings
-lost


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#143397 - 02/27/07 11:28 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hi lost,

You're not alone. Far too many of us recognize your emotions, no matter how illogical they may seem to you. And far too many of us can relate to your family dynamics, as it parallels so many of our own.

The anger and the frustration are all normal. The fact that you have managed to build a life, a family, and have a child in the face of so many emotional pressures is to be commended.

Hauser suggested writing a letter. Let me second that with the additional point that writing the letter and sending it are two different things. The very act of putting the anger and the accusations down on paper can be incredibly cathartic and healing.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#143398 - 02/27/07 12:04 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
Hi lost,

You are definitely not alone here. When you are ready to disclose the secret, you'll know it. But, when you do, have support with your T, and keep posting in here. It can be very cathartic to let your story be heard. The shame of the abuse no longer will control you as much. It gets better, I am proof of that. Take care of yourself.Keep in touch

_________________________
NEVER QUIT .

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#143400 - 02/27/07 12:10 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Tartugas,

You and Hauser make a good point about the letter. I can write it but I don't have to send. I have built a life for myself and I don't feel deserving of it. On the other hand, I have this life and my wife and son are depending on me. This sort of adds to my pressure of feeling weak. I can't afford to feel or be weak. I have to be strong, but yet I don't feel strong.

I have to maintain my performance at work and at home. I realize that I'm not alone and that is comforting in its own way, distressing in another. I think any letter that is written will take some time. I'm kind of all over the emotional page lately and I don't seem to have any clear focus.

You know, I did everything that was expected of me with the exception of high school. I put myself through college, I never relied on my parents or anyone for anything. It's never enough. I don't feel like I deserve anything, wife, son, my job. I feel like a failure. And I know that this feeling will pass and I feel unworthy of posting this stuff. I feel like a baby and I should buck up and just get over myself. Does that make any sense?

I wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? I shant pontificate any longer. Thank you tartugas and hauser, you guys are very wise.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143405 - 02/27/07 01:03 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11135
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

"I don't feel like I deserve anything, wife, son, my job. I feel like a failure. And I know that this feeling will pass and I feel unworthy of posting this stuff. I feel like a baby and I should buck up and just get over myself. Does that make any sense?"

It makes sense very much. All common feelings among survivors. You are hardly a failure though. You came here and have begun to work these things out. That in itself is a success. Many go there whole life never seeing the issues. They are either unable or unwilling.

As for "just get over myself," this is a phrase handed to us by people who are unwilling to assist and just want to shut down the people seeking help. Don't ever let those old tapes shut you down. Come here and talk to us, like you are now.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#143407 - 02/27/07 01:45 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
FT,

So many years the messages have played. I think I'm so used to being under a boot heel that I never really noticed how bad I have gotten. I am really trying to see this as a success.

I keep playing events over and over in my head: I should have never gone with him, I should have fought, I should have told my mom or a teacher. I was so scared my dad would hurt me. I felt like I was responsible for the abuse and if I told my parents A) I would have gotten a good whipping, it was my fault after all. B) My parent's marriage was already failing miserably and that would have been one more problem, namely me.

I felt damaged, nasty and I thought I wanted it. I hated myself for that. I thought I was gay for a long time too. I was taught gay people go to hell. I believed I was going to hell too not realizing until very recently that I was born and raised in hell.

I think what makes CSA so insidious is the emotional and mental anguish that perpetuates throught out every aspect of a victims life. I think back to the friends I've had and how I never felt good enough to have friends. I drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot to forget, to fit in, to be normal. I never was normal. I almost destroyed myself serveral times.

I keep thinking why was it me? Why did he pick me? Then I think how glad I am he didn't get my little brothers. Maybe that's why I try to please everyone. Who knows. (thinking aloud)

My wife told me that I am strong and one of the most tenacious people she's ever known. This is truly testing every aspect of my resolve and I am resolved to see this through. I want to mean something. I want to believe that I can make a positive difference in my son's life. He's so precious. He is truly my inspiration.

I do have a question for you anyone who wishes to respond. I have been dealing with this for a short time, 4 or 5 months and only a little at a time. Lately though, I've felt consumed by the sexual abuse. I'm obessed with it lately. Is this normal for other survivors? Lately, I've been driving down the street I used to live on when it happened and visited other places where it happened and I don't know why. It feels like a compulsion. Has anyone felt compelled to revisit like this?


Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143408 - 02/27/07 02:00 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser,

I just read your letter. That's powerful!! Did you ever send it?

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143409 - 02/27/07 02:09 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Never mind. I just saw further down the post that you did send it.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143410 - 02/27/07 02:13 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11135
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

"Lately, I've been driving down the street I used to live on when it happened and visited other places where it happened and I don't know why. It feels like a compulsion. Has anyone felt compelled to revisit like this?"

In fact, yes. I went back to my old neighborhood in Texas and gathered as much on film as I could. I took pics of my old house, an abusive kid's house, my old elementary school, a church I attended, a convenience store, even pictures of street corners by my house. At my old elementary school, I was allowed to view old classroom photo archives. I found myself in some of them, and the abusive kid I knew. I think the visit helped close some things for me.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#143412 - 02/27/07 03:54 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
FT,

I guess I was curious if that is normal. I've been a little afraid of mentioning it to my T just yet. I don't know if I am doing for closure or not, but it is sparking memories. Lots of memories that I, in the past, had decided to leave buried.

Everything that happened seemed like a life time ago,or like it happened to someone else. I havent taken my wife where the abuse occurred, but I may at some point. I live in the same town where the abuse occurred so I don't think I'll take pictures. In fact I live about 2 miles from my old neighborhood.

FormerTexan, Did you move away to escape?

I would and have thought about leaving this town, but my in-laws are here and I have a good job. It would probably be too disruptive not just for me, but my wife too.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143413 - 02/27/07 04:15 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11135
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

no, my move was not that complex. My parents decided Colorado was the place to live after my dad retired from the Air Force. I took pictures last May because I live 1,000 miles away from where I lived when abuse happened. I did my share of mental-escape the following decade after the move.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#143417 - 02/27/07 04:51 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hell YES I sent that letter and they deserved it!

Yes I've gone back to the house where my perp lived, (it's an empty lot now)

I remember HOPING that he would BE THERE whenever I rode my bike down to his place. I would wait with breathless anticipation while my little feet peddled my dirt bike as fast as they could, and I would peer around the corner where I would make my last turn to see if his truck was parked in the driveway or not. "HE'S HOME! Cool! I can hang out with my friend now!" "I'll get to play with his model train set and read comic books and just hang out with him!" "Hopefully he won't try to get me to come to his bedroom again." (sigh)


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#143501 - 02/28/07 08:25 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser,

I told my wife last night about your letter. She thought it was a good idea even if I don't send it. I told her she should read your letter and that I thought it was powerful.

I was afraid of my perp. He was real nice and bought me stuff, but I was so afraid that he'd tell my dad. I knew if he told my dad that I'd get my ass kicked.

He died a few years later, thank god. It is strange too, that as afraid of my dad finding out as I was, I was really sad when my perp died. I never thought muchh about it. I think I was sad at the time because he was such a nice guy. That is so twisted. I don't know why I just thought of that.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143504 - 02/28/07 09:10 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6571
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Hi Lost,

You are SO not alone. You and I are VERY much in the same place. People here can tell you that.

What I want you to know that in 4 month of dealing with this thing head on, I have felt terribly separated from my 8 year old son. At times, I could not even look at hm without crying. If you don't think THAT takes a toll on both of us.....well...

He sees his dad in terrible pain, as I'm sure your son does too (even though your boy is three). My wife and I HAVE shared some things with him that have really helped. We have NOT told him of the nature of my pain...just that something very bad happened when I was a boy and that I'm getting help now.

YOU...like ME are NOT STUPID!!!!

Stupid people dont seek help. I too sought relief from alcohol etc. THAT'S not stupid!! That's dealing with pain!

"Sometimes it just doesn't feel like I'll ever feel better. I'm such a logically driven person and emotions make very little logical sense to me. I sometimes wish, no, actually most of the time I wish I had never opened this can of worms. It seems too big sometimes. I wish sometimes I could just sit in my closet the way i did after my perp got me. I would just sit in the dark and cry in pain and confusion. I can't do that though."

Ditto there too Pal... SAME PLACE. SAME FRAME of ref.

LOGIC can't do a thing for us now. Stop looking to our old pal logic. It won't help. LET IT GO! There's NO logic in what happened to us. This is...unfortunately one hell of an emotional ride.




_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

Still Not Recognized


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#143510 - 02/28/07 10:00 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Robbie
Old habits are tough to break. Logic and reason have sort of helped me keep going until now. I hear you that it can't help now because it can't. I'm not used to that either.

Regarding my son, i don't know what he's picked up on. My wife has been great with both my son and myself. Two weekends ago i cried most of the time. Forntunately, my in-laws had him for some of the time.

Where I get really freaked out is bath times, diaper changes etc. I get really uncomfortable. Don't really understand why. Again, my wife is understanding in that regard.

Another thing about my son that upsets me and I suppose it upsets most parents is thinking about someone who might prey on him. I fill up with rage inside and know that I'll do anything humanly possible to protect him. It rips me apart inside.

My T says that kids are pretty resilent. Sometimes when I am down my wife will say to our son "Daddy is sad and needs a big hug." They'll hug me and Ben (my son) will smile. That is so wonderful. I think that may teach him compassion? I feel bad when he sees me cry though. Don't like it. Your son is learning too that everyone has bad moments. Even daddy feels bad sometimes. I sort of see that as introducing a different and perhaps more positive role model for our kids. Men are not supposed to be stone like my dad taught me.

I try to reassure Ben to let him know I am okay and that I love him no matter what. I will allows be there for him and protect him. He can always cry if he feels sad or upset.

I think it is positve too that you told your son you are getting help. My son is probably too young to understand that, but your son may think back to this time and find it easier to seek help for things in his life. I think you're setting a positive example. "Lead by example." I think this engenders trust with our children. Though Ben is three I keep telling him i love him and I'll always be there for him no matter what. He can tell me or his mother anything.

Robbie, it does sound like we're in very similiar stages and I appreciate your encouragement so much. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel grateful to have you and all the other guys here to lean on.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143518 - 02/28/07 11:30 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
Member
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Lost,
I CAN tell you that those uncomfortable feelings as you described (diaper etc) may get worse now that you are dealing with this head-on. I don't see it as ANY POSSIBLE indicator perping our own sons. I can't even imaginge. For me, the uncomfortable part is not wanting to send ANY potentially damaging messages. I know its not a real problem. I just don't want to trigger anything...or get anything wrong...(starting to cry now)...I JUST DONT WANT TO FK THINGS UP!!!!! I'm really scared at what this is doing to me..but what absolutely freaks me out beyond the beyonds is FKNG up anything for my kids.

WE never grew up seeing the good-stuff in action. WE have to imagine how to do this right...read about it...ask others. I just want to get it all right. I FKG HATE that I brought this into my home. I KNOW it was already in my home before I chose to deal with this. But dealing with it head-on is trauma ALL OVER AGIAN.

This morning I had a bad flashback a what would have been a really nice moment with my wife. We had to stop. WHY IN THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT NOW? Why are we re-raped in our own minds?

Just realizing that you/we are not alone is GREAT help. 4 weeks ago I thought I was the only space alien who had this happen.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you every day. I'm building quite a daily prayer list here.

Robbie

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#143519 - 02/28/07 11:33 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
Still Offline
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Sorry for venting on YOUR vent-party dude. I just hope misery love company here in a healthy way.

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#143521 - 02/28/07 11:41 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
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Registered: 11/18/05
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lost sometimes the letter can only be a few words whatever it takes to make you feel better about it ,i wrote a letter to my parents,i;ll tell you what i said to them , dear mom and dad -YOU SUCK! seemed funny at the time but my 11 year old wouldnt write ten pages he would just say what he felt ,it still feels good to say it .

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#143523 - 02/28/07 11:50 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: shadowkid]
Hauser Offline
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Registered: 11/12/05
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Loc: United States
Ha!! I remember that letter Shadow! And you got like 15 responses saying "Adam, that was a GREAT letter!" "Adam, you're a gifted writer!" LOL

Lost? Are you still talking to your Mom? Were your parents together when you were growing up?


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#143550 - 02/28/07 04:56 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hey guys,

Robbie, the diaper changes, bath time stuff was/is mostly a trigger for me i think, but only as of late. I get a panic attack and feel like I'm suffocating. It sucks too because you don't want you son to feel like there is something wrong with him because there isn't. It's hard to describe other than a panic attack.

We are flying blind on this and it sucks. I spend a lot of time listening to others who have children older than mine. I watch what they do, listen to how they handle situations, but still i don't feel adequate. I'm doing my best and I hope that is enough. Sorry about the flashback too. I think that's why it is sometimes easier to repress it than face it. By-the-way Robbie, you can vent anytime.


Adam and Hauser,
I could write an F-you letter or a you suck letter, but I don't think that would quite do it for me. I think if I wrote a letter whether I mailed it or not I would have to go into detail. Hell, it would be twenty pages probably. My 11 year old boy is dead. Nothing left but a haunting ghost.

I talk to my mom, but lately I've been getting more distant. She knows something is up with me, but I'm relectant to talk to her about it. She's still in grief counseling over my brother. I don't want to cause her more grief. I want to sort this out more first anyway. But yes we still talk.

I don't talk to my dad. He's pissed at me and I don't really care why. He's never been there for me except to push me around. I'm guess I'm not the son he wanted me to be.

My parents divorced when I was fifteen. They should have divorced with I was ten. It was pretty bad. It is funny the things I used to thing were normal.

-lost





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#143555 - 02/28/07 05:29 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
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Interesting parralell (sp?) here too Lost. I can't tell my Dad this for numerous reasons. #1 being that I REFUSE to have him judge me. My parents believed that ANY sort of mental issue, no matter how small, was a MAJOR FKG FLAW. I watched them my entire life berate ANYONE who saw a shrink...or "had issues." They always said "that guy's got a screw loose." "That poor dumb bastard is crazy."

Let's not even explore that "Robbie let them do that to him...for 2.5 years !?!?!?!" He has not earned the right to judge ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT LOST??? Fuck them!!! We may not have learned by watching good parents raise us. As good people, supported by good people, we will find the right way to raise our sons.

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#143557 - 02/28/07 05:54 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
FormerTexan Offline
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Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11135
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lost,

"My 11 year old boy is dead. Nothing left but a haunting ghost."

Assuming you refer to the younger you, on the contrary, he is alive and kicking, and screaming "listen to me!" All of us are here because our little guy inside needs to be heard.

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If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#143562 - 02/28/07 06:43 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
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Robbie,

My parents were/are just like that. It's like they, my dad especially, are looking for others faults to validate that they are good parents or people. No matter what I've done it's never been good enough. If I told my dad he'd 1) Not believe me and 2) he'd probably tell it was my fault. he'd probably call me names or something. I'm not ready for that right now.

I think too that when you have such a f'ed up childhood that you can bring some unique and positive perspectives to child rearing. I know that I can learn and haved learned from the mistakes of my parents and you have too. You're a great day and it shows through your concern for your son.

FT,
Yep, I'm referring to the 11 year old boy that I used to be. He feels dead at least. Replaced, as it were, by a scared, dejected adolescant who grew into a maladjusted man. That is how I feel anyway. Maybe he's still there saying listen to me, but perhaps he's muted for now.

Thanks though.

-lost

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#143809 - 03/02/07 08:41 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
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Lost,

I agree with FT fully. My boy was though to be dead, but he was the one actually driving this whole process for me. Mine needed to be forgiven by the adult me. He also wanted an adult voice to scream-out about the injustice.

I did write that letter asking him to forgive me, acknowledged that it was not his fault. Sometimes I have a hard time buying that though. I'm working on it. You can too.

I'm guessing your 11-year-old is not dead...just hurt and/or pissed-of.

robbie

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#143811 - 03/02/07 09:09 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
AshSurvived Offline
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Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Thanks for having the courage to vent lostandfound. You said so many of the things I want to say, but I am too frightened, I think you've even given me some courage, take that to heart. You are an inspiration too, having the guts to say you 'crossdress' is awesome. I don't believe in crossdressing technically, cos I don't see that fabric has an inherent gender, like music or building materials, at what point do they have the ability to sexually reproduce and take on a gender of their own. So I'm wearing 'women's' tracksuit pants right now, in fact they are the only ones I wear, because all the men's pants look too girly to me, how ironic is that! I want straight leg comfortable pants, and men's are all tapered for thunder thighs and then they taper in at the ankles and bunch up and look ridiculous!

So they're not women's pants, they're MY pants, I'm a man, I chose them and I'm wearing them, that makes them men's pants. I don't need some overpayed fashion-designer telling me what I can and can't wear, screw them.

And for the record: I was a fundamentalist too, ultra-conservative, pro-zionist, gun-toting, holiness, speaking in tongues, the works. I really know where you are coming from, and I feel the same as you every day, I read your post first today because I feel weak too. But you are special, I do understand you, and somehow I keep deciding it's worth living, that although I can't see it yet, there must be a light at the end of the tunnel because so many have gone before us and healed.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
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#143944 - 03/03/07 06:37 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: AshSurvived]
lostandfound Offline
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hey guys,

Robbie,
I discussed this thread with my wife, and she read through it. As we talked I think I realize that no perhaps the 11 year old me isn't dead. Perhaps I wish he was dead. If he were dead the pain would cease or so it would seem.

Ash,
Cross-dressing is just a label and I mostly did it after the abuse. When I was abused I felt among other things that I must be a girl. As I grew up i realized too that I wasn't allow to cry. I had to be tough. But I was a really sensitive kid and I could understand why I couldn't be open about my feelings with out being ridiculed. The clothing part I discovered gave me the liscense to be vunerable. I don't have an alternate personality with the exception of my vunerable side. I was taught men are tough and women are vunerable. A long time ago I mentioned it to my wife, we were drunk, that I wore my sisters clothes when I was 11. She got real turned on. That was surprising. Enough about that.

I'm constantly amzazed at the kind heartedness of you folks. Ash, i am inspired nearly every time I log in. I do know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have hope. Thank you for cheering me up. I have had an especially difficult couple of days.

Thank you all.

-lost


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#143950 - 03/03/07 08:22 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
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After my abuse, I felt that nature was likely confused with me. I was forced into doing "girl acts" (once I learned what those were)...so nature must have been confused by/with me. I figured that was the reason I did not hit puberty until I was 15+ yrs old. Nature did not know what to do with me.

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#143957 - 03/03/07 09:41 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
Ivanhoe Offline
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Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
This is a good thread, so many elements of CSA that affect so many, if not all of us. Two small points I'd like to make that I think are relevant. One, our younger selves are the boys who got us through…incredibly brave boys to be sure. Two, our acting out and coping mechanisms could have been/are, the things that have kept us from going insane or killing ourselves. I heard that the other day in therapy and after the shock of the statement, I began to realize that I’m in a different place now, that I don’t have to be as afraid, and yes, I believe there was some truth in that. I had a mother and sister who were both manic-depressives…bi-polar, in today’s parlance. With the ups and downs craziness I went through with them, it’s a wonder I came out alive. I do remember times of my own rage when I wanted to kill them all. Talk about Hannibal Lector, Phycho and a few others…they could have been my brothers. I’m assuming that some of you may have had rage like that. My therapist actually congratulated me for persevering, not giving up on myself, even though I feel like I’ve been working on this my whole life.
What have been the rewards for sticking it out? My wife and I have two of the most beautiful daughters, both of them entertainers, one in musical theater, and the other in opera. When I’m down, I don’t feel that I had much to do with the success of our family. But when I have those good days, I realize the contributions that I have made and I can feel some satisfaction in that.
But I do hear your pain. It is real. It is not imagined, or faked. What happened to us made us survivors of combat, maybe worse because those terrible things happened to us as children…some of us maybe as very young children.
My heart goes out to all of us…yes, I am loving myself a little more these days… who are working very hard on what my therapist calls, Holy work, repairing our very souls.

Peace, my beautiful brothers,

David

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"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#143979 - 03/04/07 02:05 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Ivanhoe]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Wow Rob, I had a late puberty too, it could just be a coincidence but I wonder. At almost 29 I think I have now stopped developing, except for maybe my gut, that seems to have a biological clock of it's own.

I did a stint of modelling years ago and had to wear makeup and I found it really liberating. That was what spurred me on to try women's clothes. Not in the same way as you lost, but there's definately a common basis. Now and then when I used to live in the gay centre of my state (St Kilda for any of those into travelling) where the Pride parade is held, I often found myself envious of the gay men for being so unashemdly individual in their dress. It seemed if you're gay, the rules don't apply, you get a special pass. It seems funny now, but I used to wonder to myself 'How can I get away with dressing like that, without having to fuck men?'

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#144104 - 03/05/07 11:07 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
lostandfound Offline
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Robbie and all,

I am at work at the moment so I can't keep writing this. I do want to say that I can not thank you guys enough for helping to feel like less of a freak. I want to give you all a big cyber hug.

-lost




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