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#143501 - 02/28/07 08:25 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser,

I told my wife last night about your letter. She thought it was a good idea even if I don't send it. I told her she should read your letter and that I thought it was powerful.

I was afraid of my perp. He was real nice and bought me stuff, but I was so afraid that he'd tell my dad. I knew if he told my dad that I'd get my ass kicked.

He died a few years later, thank god. It is strange too, that as afraid of my dad finding out as I was, I was really sad when my perp died. I never thought muchh about it. I think I was sad at the time because he was such a nice guy. That is so twisted. I don't know why I just thought of that.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143504 - 02/28/07 09:10 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Hi Lost,

You are SO not alone. You and I are VERY much in the same place. People here can tell you that.

What I want you to know that in 4 month of dealing with this thing head on, I have felt terribly separated from my 8 year old son. At times, I could not even look at hm without crying. If you don't think THAT takes a toll on both of us.....well...

He sees his dad in terrible pain, as I'm sure your son does too (even though your boy is three). My wife and I HAVE shared some things with him that have really helped. We have NOT told him of the nature of my pain...just that something very bad happened when I was a boy and that I'm getting help now.

YOU...like ME are NOT STUPID!!!!

Stupid people dont seek help. I too sought relief from alcohol etc. THAT'S not stupid!! That's dealing with pain!

"Sometimes it just doesn't feel like I'll ever feel better. I'm such a logically driven person and emotions make very little logical sense to me. I sometimes wish, no, actually most of the time I wish I had never opened this can of worms. It seems too big sometimes. I wish sometimes I could just sit in my closet the way i did after my perp got me. I would just sit in the dark and cry in pain and confusion. I can't do that though."

Ditto there too Pal... SAME PLACE. SAME FRAME of ref.

LOGIC can't do a thing for us now. Stop looking to our old pal logic. It won't help. LET IT GO! There's NO logic in what happened to us. This is...unfortunately one hell of an emotional ride.




_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#143510 - 02/28/07 10:00 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Robbie
Old habits are tough to break. Logic and reason have sort of helped me keep going until now. I hear you that it can't help now because it can't. I'm not used to that either.

Regarding my son, i don't know what he's picked up on. My wife has been great with both my son and myself. Two weekends ago i cried most of the time. Forntunately, my in-laws had him for some of the time.

Where I get really freaked out is bath times, diaper changes etc. I get really uncomfortable. Don't really understand why. Again, my wife is understanding in that regard.

Another thing about my son that upsets me and I suppose it upsets most parents is thinking about someone who might prey on him. I fill up with rage inside and know that I'll do anything humanly possible to protect him. It rips me apart inside.

My T says that kids are pretty resilent. Sometimes when I am down my wife will say to our son "Daddy is sad and needs a big hug." They'll hug me and Ben (my son) will smile. That is so wonderful. I think that may teach him compassion? I feel bad when he sees me cry though. Don't like it. Your son is learning too that everyone has bad moments. Even daddy feels bad sometimes. I sort of see that as introducing a different and perhaps more positive role model for our kids. Men are not supposed to be stone like my dad taught me.

I try to reassure Ben to let him know I am okay and that I love him no matter what. I will allows be there for him and protect him. He can always cry if he feels sad or upset.

I think it is positve too that you told your son you are getting help. My son is probably too young to understand that, but your son may think back to this time and find it easier to seek help for things in his life. I think you're setting a positive example. "Lead by example." I think this engenders trust with our children. Though Ben is three I keep telling him i love him and I'll always be there for him no matter what. He can tell me or his mother anything.

Robbie, it does sound like we're in very similiar stages and I appreciate your encouragement so much. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel grateful to have you and all the other guys here to lean on.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143518 - 02/28/07 11:30 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Lost,
I CAN tell you that those uncomfortable feelings as you described (diaper etc) may get worse now that you are dealing with this head-on. I don't see it as ANY POSSIBLE indicator perping our own sons. I can't even imaginge. For me, the uncomfortable part is not wanting to send ANY potentially damaging messages. I know its not a real problem. I just don't want to trigger anything...or get anything wrong...(starting to cry now)...I JUST DONT WANT TO FK THINGS UP!!!!! I'm really scared at what this is doing to me..but what absolutely freaks me out beyond the beyonds is FKNG up anything for my kids.

WE never grew up seeing the good-stuff in action. WE have to imagine how to do this right...read about it...ask others. I just want to get it all right. I FKG HATE that I brought this into my home. I KNOW it was already in my home before I chose to deal with this. But dealing with it head-on is trauma ALL OVER AGIAN.

This morning I had a bad flashback a what would have been a really nice moment with my wife. We had to stop. WHY IN THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT NOW? Why are we re-raped in our own minds?

Just realizing that you/we are not alone is GREAT help. 4 weeks ago I thought I was the only space alien who had this happen.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you every day. I'm building quite a daily prayer list here.

Robbie

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#143519 - 02/28/07 11:33 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Sorry for venting on YOUR vent-party dude. I just hope misery love company here in a healthy way.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#143521 - 02/28/07 11:41 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
lost sometimes the letter can only be a few words whatever it takes to make you feel better about it ,i wrote a letter to my parents,i;ll tell you what i said to them , dear mom and dad -YOU SUCK! seemed funny at the time but my 11 year old wouldnt write ten pages he would just say what he felt ,it still feels good to say it .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#143523 - 02/28/07 11:50 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: shadowkid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Ha!! I remember that letter Shadow! And you got like 15 responses saying "Adam, that was a GREAT letter!" "Adam, you're a gifted writer!" LOL

Lost? Are you still talking to your Mom? Were your parents together when you were growing up?


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#143550 - 02/28/07 04:56 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hey guys,

Robbie, the diaper changes, bath time stuff was/is mostly a trigger for me i think, but only as of late. I get a panic attack and feel like I'm suffocating. It sucks too because you don't want you son to feel like there is something wrong with him because there isn't. It's hard to describe other than a panic attack.

We are flying blind on this and it sucks. I spend a lot of time listening to others who have children older than mine. I watch what they do, listen to how they handle situations, but still i don't feel adequate. I'm doing my best and I hope that is enough. Sorry about the flashback too. I think that's why it is sometimes easier to repress it than face it. By-the-way Robbie, you can vent anytime.


Adam and Hauser,
I could write an F-you letter or a you suck letter, but I don't think that would quite do it for me. I think if I wrote a letter whether I mailed it or not I would have to go into detail. Hell, it would be twenty pages probably. My 11 year old boy is dead. Nothing left but a haunting ghost.

I talk to my mom, but lately I've been getting more distant. She knows something is up with me, but I'm relectant to talk to her about it. She's still in grief counseling over my brother. I don't want to cause her more grief. I want to sort this out more first anyway. But yes we still talk.

I don't talk to my dad. He's pissed at me and I don't really care why. He's never been there for me except to push me around. I'm guess I'm not the son he wanted me to be.

My parents divorced when I was fifteen. They should have divorced with I was ten. It was pretty bad. It is funny the things I used to thing were normal.

-lost





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#143555 - 02/28/07 05:29 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Interesting parralell (sp?) here too Lost. I can't tell my Dad this for numerous reasons. #1 being that I REFUSE to have him judge me. My parents believed that ANY sort of mental issue, no matter how small, was a MAJOR FKG FLAW. I watched them my entire life berate ANYONE who saw a shrink...or "had issues." They always said "that guy's got a screw loose." "That poor dumb bastard is crazy."

Let's not even explore that "Robbie let them do that to him...for 2.5 years !?!?!?!" He has not earned the right to judge ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT LOST??? Fuck them!!! We may not have learned by watching good parents raise us. As good people, supported by good people, we will find the right way to raise our sons.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#143557 - 02/28/07 05:54 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Still]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11047
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

"My 11 year old boy is dead. Nothing left but a haunting ghost."

Assuming you refer to the younger you, on the contrary, he is alive and kicking, and screaming "listen to me!" All of us are here because our little guy inside needs to be heard.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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