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#143398 - 02/27/07 12:04 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
Hi lost,

You are definitely not alone here. When you are ready to disclose the secret, you'll know it. But, when you do, have support with your T, and keep posting in here. It can be very cathartic to let your story be heard. The shame of the abuse no longer will control you as much. It gets better, I am proof of that. Take care of yourself.Keep in touch

_________________________
NEVER QUIT .

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#143400 - 02/27/07 12:10 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Tartugas,

You and Hauser make a good point about the letter. I can write it but I don't have to send. I have built a life for myself and I don't feel deserving of it. On the other hand, I have this life and my wife and son are depending on me. This sort of adds to my pressure of feeling weak. I can't afford to feel or be weak. I have to be strong, but yet I don't feel strong.

I have to maintain my performance at work and at home. I realize that I'm not alone and that is comforting in its own way, distressing in another. I think any letter that is written will take some time. I'm kind of all over the emotional page lately and I don't seem to have any clear focus.

You know, I did everything that was expected of me with the exception of high school. I put myself through college, I never relied on my parents or anyone for anything. It's never enough. I don't feel like I deserve anything, wife, son, my job. I feel like a failure. And I know that this feeling will pass and I feel unworthy of posting this stuff. I feel like a baby and I should buck up and just get over myself. Does that make any sense?

I wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? I shant pontificate any longer. Thank you tartugas and hauser, you guys are very wise.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143405 - 02/27/07 01:03 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

"I don't feel like I deserve anything, wife, son, my job. I feel like a failure. And I know that this feeling will pass and I feel unworthy of posting this stuff. I feel like a baby and I should buck up and just get over myself. Does that make any sense?"

It makes sense very much. All common feelings among survivors. You are hardly a failure though. You came here and have begun to work these things out. That in itself is a success. Many go there whole life never seeing the issues. They are either unable or unwilling.

As for "just get over myself," this is a phrase handed to us by people who are unwilling to assist and just want to shut down the people seeking help. Don't ever let those old tapes shut you down. Come here and talk to us, like you are now.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#143407 - 02/27/07 01:45 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
FT,

So many years the messages have played. I think I'm so used to being under a boot heel that I never really noticed how bad I have gotten. I am really trying to see this as a success.

I keep playing events over and over in my head: I should have never gone with him, I should have fought, I should have told my mom or a teacher. I was so scared my dad would hurt me. I felt like I was responsible for the abuse and if I told my parents A) I would have gotten a good whipping, it was my fault after all. B) My parent's marriage was already failing miserably and that would have been one more problem, namely me.

I felt damaged, nasty and I thought I wanted it. I hated myself for that. I thought I was gay for a long time too. I was taught gay people go to hell. I believed I was going to hell too not realizing until very recently that I was born and raised in hell.

I think what makes CSA so insidious is the emotional and mental anguish that perpetuates throught out every aspect of a victims life. I think back to the friends I've had and how I never felt good enough to have friends. I drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot to forget, to fit in, to be normal. I never was normal. I almost destroyed myself serveral times.

I keep thinking why was it me? Why did he pick me? Then I think how glad I am he didn't get my little brothers. Maybe that's why I try to please everyone. Who knows. (thinking aloud)

My wife told me that I am strong and one of the most tenacious people she's ever known. This is truly testing every aspect of my resolve and I am resolved to see this through. I want to mean something. I want to believe that I can make a positive difference in my son's life. He's so precious. He is truly my inspiration.

I do have a question for you anyone who wishes to respond. I have been dealing with this for a short time, 4 or 5 months and only a little at a time. Lately though, I've felt consumed by the sexual abuse. I'm obessed with it lately. Is this normal for other survivors? Lately, I've been driving down the street I used to live on when it happened and visited other places where it happened and I don't know why. It feels like a compulsion. Has anyone felt compelled to revisit like this?


Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143408 - 02/27/07 02:00 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser,

I just read your letter. That's powerful!! Did you ever send it?

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143409 - 02/27/07 02:09 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Never mind. I just saw further down the post that you did send it.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143410 - 02/27/07 02:13 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

"Lately, I've been driving down the street I used to live on when it happened and visited other places where it happened and I don't know why. It feels like a compulsion. Has anyone felt compelled to revisit like this?"

In fact, yes. I went back to my old neighborhood in Texas and gathered as much on film as I could. I took pics of my old house, an abusive kid's house, my old elementary school, a church I attended, a convenience store, even pictures of street corners by my house. At my old elementary school, I was allowed to view old classroom photo archives. I found myself in some of them, and the abusive kid I knew. I think the visit helped close some things for me.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#143412 - 02/27/07 03:54 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
FT,

I guess I was curious if that is normal. I've been a little afraid of mentioning it to my T just yet. I don't know if I am doing for closure or not, but it is sparking memories. Lots of memories that I, in the past, had decided to leave buried.

Everything that happened seemed like a life time ago,or like it happened to someone else. I havent taken my wife where the abuse occurred, but I may at some point. I live in the same town where the abuse occurred so I don't think I'll take pictures. In fact I live about 2 miles from my old neighborhood.

FormerTexan, Did you move away to escape?

I would and have thought about leaving this town, but my in-laws are here and I have a good job. It would probably be too disruptive not just for me, but my wife too.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#143413 - 02/27/07 04:15 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
lost,

no, my move was not that complex. My parents decided Colorado was the place to live after my dad retired from the Air Force. I took pictures last May because I live 1,000 miles away from where I lived when abuse happened. I did my share of mental-escape the following decade after the move.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#143417 - 02/27/07 04:51 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: FormerTexan]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hell YES I sent that letter and they deserved it!

Yes I've gone back to the house where my perp lived, (it's an empty lot now)

I remember HOPING that he would BE THERE whenever I rode my bike down to his place. I would wait with breathless anticipation while my little feet peddled my dirt bike as fast as they could, and I would peer around the corner where I would make my last turn to see if his truck was parked in the driveway or not. "HE'S HOME! Cool! I can hang out with my friend now!" "I'll get to play with his model train set and read comic books and just hang out with him!" "Hopefully he won't try to get me to come to his bedroom again." (sigh)


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