Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carter (51), CAW1980 (34), Fissy Tsickens (53), Kris (52), Wheatthins (23)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 16 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63171 Topics
441740 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#143301 - 02/26/07 03:36 PM Let me vent!
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
I need to vent for a bit so please excuse me.

I'm feeling really angry right now. A couple of therapy sessions ago my T asked if I was angry with my mother because of the abuse. I said no. My perp was my dad's best friend by-the-way. My parents were constantly fighting and my dad abusive. My mother wasn't physically abusive. however, I was afraid of both of them.

The screaming and breaking dishes, stomps and thumps that would wake me up at night frightened me to death. I used to cry in bed at night with my headphones on and my pillow over my head to muffle my crying and drown out the fighting.

I grew up in a very strict conservative christian home. Though neither of my parents practice what they were teaching. We were forbidden from talking about sex or any of our "private parts". That would mean a whipping with the belt.

I couldn't tell them what happened. I would have been punished. I would have be whipped. I would not have been believed. Not against my dad's best friend. I'm so fu*&ing angry. I'm angry at both of my parents for not helping me. I'm so angry because they ignored me. Dad made play sports to make him look good and mom made listen to her problems to make herself feel better. No one listened to me. No one cared about me.

To this day I'm still listening to my mother's problems. I get dumped upon because I am a worthless person. My dad won't talk to me because I'm not the man he wants me to be. My wife just wants to be better. I'm a freak and it doesn't matter because no one cares. No one cared when I was a kid and getting hurt so why would anyone care now. My parents were more concerned about what happened after I died then while I am alive.

I don't act out the way some of you guys do so maybe I'm better off, but by god I don't feel better off. I feel so screwed up and I want to just be okay for a minute. I want to feel normal for a minute. I want my parents to say "I'm sorry" or at least "I believe you." I want my wife to stop looking at me with pity and stop asking me to cross-dress to deal with our sex. I want to feel better and I don't. Why don't I feel okay?

So I was wrong. I am angry with my mother. I am angry. I don't know how you guys do it. I swear you all must be so strong. I feel very weak. I'm having such tough time and I don't think I have ever felt so defeated. (melodromatic?) It has to get better it just has to.

Thanks for letting me sound off. I don't feel better, but I just needed to get it off my chest. Sorry if it is incoherent.

Blessings.
-lost


Top
#143305 - 02/26/07 04:06 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi lost. We have not spoken yet I don't think. So....."Hello"

I don't know how far along you are in your recovery, (I'm glad you mentioned a T), but have you considered writing a letter to your parents (and perhaps other family members as well so that they will be compelled to answer) about what exactly they did to fail you so miserably as parents?

You HAVE anger, how about USING it and channel it into a letter that berates them for their shortcomings and neglect? I wrote a letter to my own parents shortly after disclosing to them. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=41481&page=55#Post41481

Lost? Have you disclosed to YOUR parents? Are you thinking of doing it? Have you confronted your perp?

One thing to note about my relationship with my parents is that they were merely neglectful, not outright abusive, so their response may have been more favorable, BUT, if you make their guilt UNDENIABLE by explain EXACTLY what your Dad's "friend" did to you, you might find some healing in that.

How old is your boy now? I'm glad you found someone in your life and have a relationship, and I hope she's supportive with all this stuff you're dealing with.


Top
#143309 - 02/26/07 04:29 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hauser, no i don't think we have met. So...."Hello" and thanks for the response.

I disclosed to my mother about a year ago. It turned into a discussion of how bad she feels it. I ended up comforting her and decided that I probably would not do that again.

My parents had 5 childern and I am the oldest son. About 3 years after the abuse my parents started a very nasty divorce. Right in the middle of it all my one of my little brothers was hit by a car, aged 13. He suffered a close head injury and never recovered. After 18 years as an invalid he died last April. I mention that only because my parents fought like hell over my brothers medical bills and my dad's abuse got worse and so did the neglect for me and my other siblings.

I am 33 and still afraid of my father. He won't talk to me because last Christmas he called my sister in law a faggot to my son who just turn two, and I chided him over it and told him that we (my wife and I) aren't teaching our son to use hateful language. Well, he bullied me out the door and I have only seen him once and that was at my brothers funeral last april.

My perp is dead. He died of throat cancer right before my parents divorce. I remember my dad telling me that he had cancer and I ran from him and hid in the woods behind my house.

I don't know why I ran, but I knew I didn't want to hear about my perp. My mom was emotionally abusive and my dad was emotionally and physically abusive. My wife is super. She gets frustrated with me sometimes and lately therapy has been difficult so I'm not the model of sunshine. She keeps telling me she doesn't know how to support me. I want to tell her to let me drink, but I realize that won't really solve anything. She's known about the abuse for a long time, but I think it has been a shock to her in sense that she didn't realize how bad I was feeling all of the time. She's also never heard me actually say what happened. That REALLY upset her.

My son turned three in december. He is the most wonderful and amazing gift. He is so cute and smart that I worry he'll be targeted. I'm really paranoid about that. So help me god if anyone ever harms him!

The letter might be a good idea, but I'm not ready for the chaos it may cause. My other siblings don't know about it yet and I'm not strong enough to tell them.

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

Top
#143313 - 02/26/07 04:54 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Well one day, you WILL be stronger! I'm sorry about your brother. What was his name?

I'm so happy for you that you have a family to care for and find solace with, I would love to have my own kids but I can't even get my shit together enough to land a job that pays enough to afford a family.


Top
#143319 - 02/26/07 05:50 PM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Lost,

You can vent all you want here! Most of us know how your feel. Many have been let down by parent(s) who were busy, working or whatever, while we were going through our trauma. They didn't have all the information that today is common knowledge, but that doesn't make us hurt any less! We still were not protected when we were children. Many of us (me included) seem to hold on to anger toward our parents but fail to have that same level of anger toward the people who abused us. I still don't understand why; when I find the answer, I'll be sure to let you know!

I'm glad you found us are here at Male Survivor!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

Top
#143369 - 02/27/07 02:02 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Brian]
Joseph25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/06
Posts: 76
Loc: Canada
Lost, Its horrible that your parents never listened and still wont take the time to. I think the things you are talking about doesnt make you screwed up or a freak. It is a result of a freak and screwed up perp who prayed on a innocent boy. To be angry at the perps and those that failed to protect you is rightly justified. I care about what you have to say and will listen along with everyone else here.


Top
#143371 - 02/27/07 02:36 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Joseph25]
Halibut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/06
Posts: 228
Loc: Alaska
Hi Lost,

As painful as it is, and the torture in your soul comes through in your vent, it is good. All of that stuff has been inside you for years and tying you up and now it's out so that you can address it and find healing and overcome it. What was done to you by both your perp and your parents was wrong, and I'm sorry it happened to you, you deserved better.

IT WILL GET BETTER! Right now you've opened up a well of pain, but it will get better. I know I'm not strong, but when I had to face my demons of the past I fel weak ander overwealmed and got through it ( and am still working on it). It does get better.

It's obvious you love and are gratetful for you wife and your son, despite being abused you have created a good relationship with your wife, and are a loving and proud Dad. You'll get through this and be happier and enjoy your love and your son all the more.
Hang in there, it get better and rant anytime!

Hal


Top
#143377 - 02/27/07 05:59 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Lost,
Quote:
Why don't I feel okay?
Because what they did to you, what all the people who abused you did to you, was not okay.

This is a place a lot of guys have discovered when we didn't feel okay. You can see the care and concern in the replies you have received. We all need to vent. We all need to be heard. We all need to matter. And we all do.

The fear for your son is pretty common among survivors, I think. I've worried about my kids' safety over and over since my oldest son was born. Of course, good parents without abuse in their own past care about their kids' safety, too. But as bad as what they might imagine, what they might see in a nightmare, they don't deal with the kinds of memories we have. Your T can help you understand what's a reasonable precaution, and what can be overprotective and counterproductive.

You're in a good place here. You're working with a T. You have a supportive wife and a wonderful family. You're aware of your feelings and can even call abuse what it was. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Lost. You are okay, and you're going to feel that way.

Thanks,

Joe



Edited by outis (02/27/07 09:33 PM)
_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#143393 - 02/27/07 08:49 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: Hauser]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Thanks for all the responeses. I post here sometimes and then feel guilty because I don't think that I have the right or that maybe I'm not good enough and should just keep my mouth shut.

I really do appreciate you all allowing me to ramble on.

Hauser;
My brother's name is Jason. He died on April 23, 2006 one week before his 31st birthday. He had several lung infections that he had been fighting for many years. Eventually, antibiotics were not killing the infections.

You know, I never thought that I would ever get my shit together enough to get out of school much less be stable enough to have a kid. In my family I have always been seen as the wise and impartial one. My family come to me for answers, to be strong and supportive. So I have been driven to maintain that image and through that I have acheived a certain level of success. My mask has fallen away and my strength along with it. I'm not used to feeling week and vunerable.

Yes, I do feel fortunate to have a supportive wife. Though we almost blew though. She is starting to figure out all of the crap that is rolling around in my head and in my past. My T says that I feel safe around my wife and I suppose I do though I'll admit I expect her to get tired of this eventually and leave. Did I mention that I'm a pessimist?

One thing that makes me so angry is my son. Not that he is actually behind the anger, but I cannot imagine treating my son the way my parents treated my siblings and I. I cannot imagine hitting or threatening physical abuse. I cannot imaging being so far removed from my son that I would not see a hurt boy. If I have these feelings toward my son and my expression of love for him is so different from my parents, I must conclude that my parents really didn't give a damn. That hurts.

Thanks Hal, Joseph and Joe for all the encouragement. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like I'll ever feel better. I'm such a logically driven person and emotions make very little logical sense to me. I sometimes wish, no, actually most of the time I wish I had never opened this can of worms. It seems too big sometimes. I wish sometimes I could just sit in my closet the way i did after my perp got me. I would just sit in the dark and cry in pain and confusion. I can't do that though.

I know things will get better and I realize that all things in life are temporary. This too shall pass. I just need to hold on a little longer.

Thanks you. I love you all.

Blessings
-lost


Top
#143397 - 02/27/07 11:28 AM Re: Let me vent! [Re: lostandfound]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hi lost,

You're not alone. Far too many of us recognize your emotions, no matter how illogical they may seem to you. And far too many of us can relate to your family dynamics, as it parallels so many of our own.

The anger and the frustration are all normal. The fact that you have managed to build a life, a family, and have a child in the face of so many emotional pressures is to be commended.

Hauser suggested writing a letter. Let me second that with the additional point that writing the letter and sending it are two different things. The very act of putting the anger and the accusations down on paper can be incredibly cathartic and healing.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.