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#14300 - 10/22/02 10:43 PM EMDR therapy for Orodo
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I had an EMDR session scheduled today. I went. it was unbelieveably healing. I'd like to tell you about how it went, it could be triggering, cuz i relived a part of the abuse and dealt with it in such a different way.

I've been working with this therapist since mid August, building rapport, trust and the like. A couple of weeks ago, she did a "trial" EMDR session to see how well it might work for me. The first session we "installed" the quality of assertiveness, ability to say "no", self confidence and the like. I used, (sit down fo this) Donald Rumsfeld as my "mentor" or role model. STrange, I know, but you cannot imagine how it well it worked.

Today, we planned to work on dealing with some sexual abuse, and "flush out" the emotions attached to the abuse. I held two "nodes", one in left hand and one in right hand. These nodes vibrate in an alternating pattern, right hand, left hand. I was sitting in a nice comfy LA-Z-BOY recliner. I relaxed. The pulses began. While the pulses in my hands occured, she asked me to visualize myself as a little boy, after mass, when I was about 9 years old. She asked me to visualize and repeat back to her what was happening. I remembered a great deal more details than ever before. I remembered that my first abuse occured after a wedding. I was an Altar Boy in the Catholic Church, served for weddings on saturday mornings. The groom had come in to the sacristy, given Father and evelope, and gave me a five dollar bill for serving at the wedding. The groom left, as did the best man. I was alone with Father. He wanted me to go out to breakfast with him at McDonalds, as was the custom, after having served Saturday AM. So he asked me to hurry, and get out of my Alb. I was still kinda unco-ordinated when it came to this task. So Father offered to help me out. He pulled the cassock up over my head. He told me how nicely dressed i was, how I made such a nice looking altar boy. He asked me for a hug. I let him hug me. Then he hugged me harder. His hands wandered. His hands wandered into my pockets. He touched my privates through the pants pockets. I remember getting hard. In the here and now, I really was getting hard. It hurt then and for some reason it hurt again. His hands wandered some more, up over my pants, into my pants, and into my underwear. He felt for me, he found me. He pulled on me. He pulled hard, until it got really hard. And he jerked me off, for what seemed like forever. At this point, my T stopped the pulses. She pulled me back ( I was crying by now, and my crotch hurt really bad, and I was a little wet). Now she told me to walk into the Sacristy, as me, here and now, adult size Orodo. So there I went. She told me to rescue the little boy. Save him. Protect him, like no one else did way back then. And I did. I barged into the back of the Church, grabbed the boy away from Father, grabbed Father's head, headlock, then smashed his nose and face down into my knee. Father got a broken, bloody nose, and passed out on the floor. The boy was wide eyed, crying a little, and biting his nails. Therapist then told me, the rescue was not complete, the boy was now safe, but needed more from me. So I went back and told him "it was not your fault, don't feel like you were caught, cuz you did not do anything wrong, it's ok if it felt good, Father musta thought he was helping you, but he was really helping himself a little too much, and that the boy should never ever let anyone touch him there again, and that he would be believed and kept safe if he told the next time it happened. "
It was incredible. I saved the little boy inside.

Then I flashed over to an incident at the McDonalds, which happened after the last time FAther abused me. I remembered being in FAther's car, and 1974 Red dodge Dart, with bald tires. AFter breakfast, Father was going to bring me home. The boy (me)I sat in the front, passenger side. Father reached over and put his hand on the boys' thigh, and moved toward his crotch. Father asked if the boy liked boys or girls better. What happened in reality was that Father put the car into reverse and got into a rear-end collision. What happened during the EMDR was different. Somehow the adult me appeared in the back seat of the car. Adult Orodo grabbed father by the collar, and started to choke the living shit out of him. In addition to my appearance on the scene, my mother shows up. She takes the boy (lil' orodo)away from this scene. The cops show up. The cops take him away, smiling, in handcuffs. The next thing i know, i'm back in the back seat of Father's car, and i look in the rear view mirror. Guess who i see. Mary, Mother of God. And she's trying to tell me something. But i can't hear her. I'm getting frustrated. Therapist brings me back, come to find out, I really need to go the bathroom....I stumbled into the bathroom, did my business, and returned. But i don't know how I did the business in the bathroom. I don't remember it at all. Back to the chair, and I'm talking to Mary back in the rear view mirror. I'm asking her a million questions at once. Like, why is she here and not Jesus? Where was Jesus these days anyways, i could have really used him just now. And finally I can hear her. She tells me Jesus was there. Forgiving. She told me that just because someone is forgiven, however, does NOT MEAN THAT THEY GO TO HEAVEN. Major breakthru...

She says to me that I do have all the answers to my own questions. I need to find them for myself. She tells me that there will be other victims of FAther, but there will also be other survivors. And that I must find the strength to help myself before I can help any of them. She tells me I need patience, and that I am not responsible for Father's actions and behaviors after he had abused me. She said she loves me very much. She says she sent my guardian angel to cause the auto collision, and made sure that I would not be hurt. I was never hurt physically from the car collision. But she said the scene that was coming after could not be allowed to happen to one so young and innnocent. She said I have the courage, willpower, and truth already sufficient to help myself and all those who are near and dear to me. And she told me to keep praying the "Hail Mary" for peace on earth. Another breakthrough for me.

We ended with one final session, to get me to a safe place. I imagined myself driving. Driving fast, and far, alone. In my old car. I saw my adult self getting into the car, and telling my wife and family that I need some time for me. And that I would be back, and would feel better then. And I did. I left, came back, and felt better. The only thing I wanted for was to have someone there with me, just one special person. And she was not there, even though I wanted her to come driving with me. Therapist perceived this to be my "negative voice" coming around, so we ended, backing up to the visualization of me driving alone, happy.

This is not bullshit you guys. I feel peace and tranquility like I have never felt before. I have had only one cigar all day. I had been afraid that I was going to go out and drink after this session, or do something foolish and regrettable. But i didn't. My body was feeling very numb, cold, and I was shaking like a leaf. I got in the car, and suddenly I was less anxious. I was calm even. Called my wife, told her what happened. She offered to come get me, but I said I would be ok, and offered to go get her some lunch. She declined, but I made up and excuse to go hug and kiss her at work. Tonight was a typical night at the Orodo household, with a football game, homework, dinner, lunches, laundry, baths etc to be done. I got through all that incredibly fast, and never lost my kewl once. My kids were very demanding, begging, whining etc, and i did not yell scream or threaten them with time outs, grounding, etc. I simply told them that if they cannot follow the rules and listen and get along, then they will be forgiven, but they will not continue to enjoy all of the priveleges they've managed to squeeze out of me. The wife was horny as usual, and all over me from the moment I got home. I actually layed down on the bed withher and watched TV with her for 1/2 hour. And i told her I hated doing that, cuz that would be the time i would want to talk to her, and all she wants to do is WATCH TV. So she has asked me to come to bed early, since I've done so much work today, and I'll get special backrub. We'll see about that one...

So in two weeks, i go back to deal with flushing out the emotions tied to my other abuse and abusers. I feel like i have come so far. I feel like i still have so far to go. I have not forgotten what happened. Hardly. I can see it in my mind quite clearly. However, I know now that I don't have to and don't need to act on every emotion i've found. It's good to have these feelings. But let them out. Don't keep them inside. Give them away. Find the strength and courage to keep others safe from this every happening to anyone else. What's done is done, cannot be undone. I will learn from it, I will teach, I will defend, I will be strong, I will stay strong. I can do it. I have what I need. And he will be stopped.

Wow.

Sorry so long winded.

It helped me to write it all down. No replies necessary. Take what you need, leave what you don't need ok?

BE WELL STAY WELL BE STRONG STAY STRONG

Orodo

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#14301 - 10/22/02 11:08 PM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Orodo:

Thanks for sharing that with us. I've often wondered about EMDR, beyond what little I've read or heard. Being shown a session by a fellow survivor here is helpful. I'm glad it was & will be so empowering & encouraging for you.

While a different therapy, it sounds similar to the 2-chair I went thru in the sense that it moves you back & forth between the past & present with all the parties that need to be involved and empowers you to change what happened, and in a very real way.

I'm sorry for the abuse you went thru, but I'm glad you are transforming things in therapy, and transforming yourself as well. Way to go. \:\)

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#14302 - 10/23/02 12:16 AM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Orodo,

Thanks for writintg this. Everybody tells me about EMDR and that I should try it. I have asked both my Psychitrist and therapist about it and it they think it might help. I'm going to brink it up at my next session. It sounds like it might really help.

Good luck with the therapy and getting better.

John

P. S. Keep me posted on how it goes. I really think it might be helpful to me.

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#14303 - 10/23/02 03:01 AM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
I had one session of it a few months after I was raped. It was pretty powerful. I had no resources at the time, like insurance, money, etc. A friend of mine who is also a psychologist performed the procedure. I didn't feel safe enough yet to be entirely vulnerable around him, or anyone, so I did not allow myself to experience any emotion in his presence. I stuffed it. When I got home about an hour later, all of a sudden I had to use the bathroom. Sorry to be so graphic, but as soon as I sat on the toilet I had explosive diarrhea like never before. Almost simultaneously I experienced violent projectile vomiting. Sorry to be so crude, but that's what happened. Thank god the shower was right next to the toilet. Quite an experience. That convinced me right then and there of the mind-body connection. The suppressed feelings were going to come out somehow and they did. Afterward, I fell into a deep and restful sleep for something like 12 hours. Before the procedure I had been looking at random men, on the street, in a store, at school, etc. and viewing them with hate and rage. Like every man represented the rapist. Afterward that was completely gone. It also helped with a lot of the self-blame I was inflicting on myself. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization R..... I can never remember what the R stands for. Until you mentioned it here, I had sort of forgotten about it. I think I may check it out again.

Roy


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#14304 - 10/23/02 03:37 AM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Hey Orodo,

It doesn't surprize me that Mary told you to pray for peace. Five teenagers and one child in Medjugorje, Bosnia have reported speaking to Mary starting in 1981, ten years to the day before Croatia declared war on Serbia. Do you know what was the first thing she said: "peace!, peace!, peace! They couldnt figure out why she was saying that. Three of them still speak to her every day. Every 25th of the month she gives a message to the world. This was the message of September 25, 2002:

"Dear children! Also in this peaceless time, I call you to prayer. Little children, pray for peace so that in the world every person would feel love towards peace. Only when the soul finds peace in God, it feels content and love will begin to flow in the world. And in a special way, little children, you are called to live and witness peace – peace in your hearts and families – and, through you, peace will also begin to flow in the world. Thank you for having responded to my call."

Just by coincidence this is almost the exact same message she gave to the world shortly before the war broke out in Bosnia.

Peace
Les_Angry


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#14305 - 10/23/02 07:48 AM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I forgot to mention. My T asked me how I would describe the EMDR as I was leaving. I told her it felt like an emotional laxative. And my stomach was rumbling really loud, and when I got home, I too had the diareaha explosion. Incredible huh?

I'll keep in touch, please know that. I pray for peace for us all. Welcome back Matt. ((((My brother-survivors))))

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#14306 - 10/23/02 09:47 AM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Thanks Orodo for the effort you put into writing your post. I'm encouraged to push-on.


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#14307 - 10/23/02 10:57 AM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Orodo,
I am in tears for the healing you describe, and am so glad for this much deserved breakthrough.

You have my admiration for your courage
You have my prayers for your little child that you are rescuing by doing this
You have my hugs for you for sharing this.

........t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#14308 - 10/23/02 01:17 PM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Orodo

You sound excited about the EMDR. I am going to persue it further with my T when I see him Monday. As I think I posted earlier I can remember many events of my S A but whatever happened to me in Estes Park with my perp I cannot remember for some reason. (DUHHhh I have blocked it, and I know I have) For those who have asked E M D R stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I have a hard time remembering what it stands for too. ( Kind of like NOMSV ) Here is a link to an article I found that I thought was helpful in Explaining it. EMDR web page . Also, here is a quuote from the aricle.

Quote:
EMDR is the most clearly researched psychotherapy method for effectiveness with posttraumatic stress disorder, .......
I want to wish everyone the best in thier recovery.

Take care,

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#14309 - 10/23/02 01:35 PM Re: EMDR therapy for Orodo
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
sometimes we view new ideas as "snake oil" treatments, but we need to keep our minds open. If it was snake oil why do so many people use it ?

Sounds like it works Orodo, good luck with it.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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