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#14295 - 01/22/04 09:49 AM Falling into depression (TRIGGERS!)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I've been away for a while, reading mostly, but trying to get some perspective on all that's happened to me lately. Unfortunately, I haven't got any (altho I still try to help out folks here).

Today, I've had flashbacks to the events when I was almost murdered and threatened during sex acts. When my counselor tried to kill me the first time, there was almost something tender emotionally how he tried to make it seem that there was no choice, that he didn't want to. Sick huh? Then, when I was about to leave middle school, he kidnapped me off the Goddamn streets and raped me in a grave he supposedly dug for me and strangled me unconscious. And the guy who raped me with a gun. All I keep hearing is "I can kill you here and nobody will ever find you," "all you're good for is fucking," "nobody will miss you."

I don't believe that, but I know where my fears of dying alone come from.

I don't believe it, I don't, but I feel sometimes that they're right. I am worthless, that no one would miss me when I die, that perhaps if Mr. Price had held that pillow over my face for another minute, if he had strangled me for another minute, if he had finished burying me in the woods, if my goddamn adult rapist had pulled the f**king trigger, it would've been better for everyone.

Sometimes, there is no hope. There is no hope.

I have to keep searching for it. Those monsters left me with no hope, but I know there is hope. I truly believe what I wrote as my signature, the world is worth fighting for. If for no other reason than to prove those eveil f**kers wrong.

Afraid I'm backsliding into a depression. So afraid of what will happen if that's the case.

Thank God therapy's tonight.
\:\(
Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#14296 - 01/22/04 10:13 AM Re: Falling into depression (TRIGGERS!)
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
scot,
look up, my friend, look up and tell me what you see...it is there, i promise.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#14297 - 01/22/04 11:07 AM Re: Falling into depression (TRIGGERS!)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Scot
Quote:
don't believe it, I don't, but I feel sometimes that they're right. I am worthless, that no one would miss me when I die, that perhaps if Mr. Price had held that pillow over my face for another minute, if he had strangled me for another minute, if he had finished burying me in the woods, if my goddamn adult rapist had pulled the f**king trigger, it would've been better for everyone.

Scot they were not right and you are not worthless. It was they who are less than worthless. And it is they that you should direct all your hate and anger. Not inwards where they want you to do it. Get mad at them Scot and as Theo says look up "The sun will shine".

They way they traumatized you made your SA even more terrible for you.

But think for a minute. Who is in real control here? You are. You can control their lives if you know where they are. Wow Scot! Think about that whenever you feel as you have.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#14298 - 01/22/04 11:08 PM Re: Falling into depression (TRIGGERS!)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey Scot - You need to hear honestly, YOU ARE A GOOD GUY and defeat the lies those "others" have left stuck in you! Look at what defines you (who you are, what you do for others...support, sharing,etc.) and NOT what binds you (lies, beating yourself, weighited down from the past).

Scot, focus on what you have got, what you can do! Keep posting!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#14299 - 01/25/04 04:28 PM Re: Falling into depression (TRIGGERS!)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
It is amazing to me, how they lied to us so much, and how much power those lies had. Now it is the truth, our truth, that is to have the power. I hope that you can feel something more positive sometime soon. Please just try to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. I wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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