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#14274 - 05/03/03 05:37 AM That which was Stolen from us.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
It’s May 3 and the trees are just starting to bud out, ya spring comes late to MN. Well we have only 2 weeks before session is over at the capital this year. Our bills are still waiting to be heard on the floor of the House and Senate. We have made great progress in educating the members of the 201 Club on the evils of CSA. I would say over 50% understand the great harm that was done to us but the other half just doesn’t get it. I would like to ask for your help one more time.
Please tell me and the members of the 201 Club about: That which was Stolen from you by your prep. I will be using your words to move the Reps to action. When I print the post out I use the printer friendly version so all the personal information doesn't print out. Thanks for your help. Muldoon

After spending 5 days with my friend and his 10-year-old son I have learned so much, it has over come me with so many feelings. I got to see childhood in action. What a care free and totally trustful time in the development of the human being. Meko showed me what I had missed in my life. That which my perps stole from me. There are so many common things in life that I was not able to experience. I could never trust any one, was always on guard, always ?????.

During my teen years I couldn’t develop a healthy sexual ID. Always wondering, ??? Searching. I had many dates with girls during my high school years but it never progressed past 2 or 3 dates with each girl. After the necking got to heavy I would run away from the relationship. I was too scarred of the next step to continue on. Was I man enough to be dating girls? There is so much more that was stolen from me but I want to hear about you. Thanks again Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#14275 - 05/03/03 11:46 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Muldoon,

Your persistent dedication to & work on behalf of our cause & all of us as male survivors continues to be very much appreciated & a great inspiration!

OK, what was stolen from me by my perps?

Damn, sometimes, like right now, it feels like the question should be what wasn't?

My life as it should have been, my self as I was meant to be, was stolen from me by my perps!

Emotionally I'm still struggling to get through adolescence, tho I'm chronologically 46 years old.
I have the characteristics of Complex PTSD, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and severe clinical depression.

My brain was rewired beginning in infancy by the abuse and I have lived with several addictions & compulsions, including live sex, porn, alcohol, tobacco, narcotics, & overeating.

Due to dissociation from the unbearable memories of my abuse, I suffer from ongoing dissociative disorder. My concentration & memory have suffered greatly, to the point that I can frequently do things like getting up to walk into the next room to get something and by the time I get there forgetting what I got up for, or sometimes even what room I was headed for.

Physically, I have had multiple problems, mostly rooted in Fibromyalgia (FM)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS): constant chronic pain, soreness & muscle tightening, numbness & fatigue that often becomes severe even debilitating; sleep apnea; irritable bowel sydrome (IBS) & acid reflux; sensory overload & severe startle response; difficulty hearing; degenerative back arthritis; and resulting severe limitations on my ability to exercise & enhance health.

Spiritually, I struggle to love, accept & forgive myself; battle false guilt & shame that should not be mine but my perpetrators'; and am compulsively driven to actions & thots contrary to my religious beliefs and my sense of worth & well-being as a human being, which leads to further guilt & self-hatred.

Socially, I have difficulty accepting love, being intimate with others in healthy ways, and just enjoying being with others & enjoying life.

As my wife said recently, "She (my mother, my primary perpetrator) robbed us of our life."
"Yes," I replied "before we even had it."

Muldoon I hope this helps.

BTW Muldoon I saw you on TV the other day on an ACME Hour cartoon with 2 zany cops, one was called Muldoon! ;\)

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#14276 - 05/03/03 01:01 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I think my perps robbed me of any chance I had at being "normal" or fitting into society. They robbed me of a good childhood and they robbed me of my innocence. They robbed me of ways to relate to my peers. They robbed me of my self-worth, my self-esteem, and my trust. They made me hate myself and the rest of the world. I became angry and withdrawn and I think that no matter how long I work at it I'll never regain some of the things they took. I was too young when they took them and I can't even remember what it's like not to hate yourself immediately when you wake up in the morning.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#14277 - 05/03/03 02:15 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Well what did my perp/pereps take from me. First I think they took everything from me. My ability and will to love. They took my ability to look at the world with the eye's of a child, instead I look at them as though looking through a calideascope (spelling?). You can see everything anyone else does but it's distorted and freakish. They took my ability to trust anyone and everyone. I think that anyone that is nice to me for what ever reason they may have is out to hurt me in one form or another. They took away my reasoning to think straight, they made me feel guilty for what they did to me. Causeing me to have a real problem seperating the "own your faults" and "owning the worlds". What else did they take from me? My freedom....they put me in a jail for life. I will spend the rest of my life "getting over this". As to where my perps are either dead or living a "Ward Cleaver" life with there white picked fences and there perfict 2.3 kids. Now I agree that as I learn to accept what has happened to me and the fact that it WAS NOT MY FAULT it will get easier for me to cope with life and all it puts in front of me. But here I sit in my house and still dont feel safe. Here I sit in my house and cant work because of the PTSD is so bad that my nightmares keep me up most nights. So it's hard to work when you can't say for sure what time you can get there. Here I sit afraid to go to Wal-Mart durning the day, scared someone will see through me and know what my step father did to me and either judge me or want to do the same things to me. Here I sit scared that if someone did want to reinact my step father's abuse on me that I would not be strong enough to stop it. After all, "You like it, you know you do"...."If you werent so damn good looking I could keep my hand off you"...."If your ass wasnt so tight"..."If I..If I..If I...If I....If I...If I...If I" it's always "If I.." Well Im slowly learning that it's not "If I" it's "YOUR WRONG FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME" Im not the one broke here you are. So you ask what my perps took from me.....I guess I could have answered the question with a shorter post.
"What did your perp take from you?"
EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well thats my thoughts on it. Hope it helps you in your fight. But I just wanted to say thank you. I want to think you for two things.
1. For fighting the fight for all us wolves.
2. For asking the question.

You asking the question made me think about it. And because of you asking it I now see how far I still have to go, but I also see how far I've come. And as long as I keep my eye on to where I need to go as well as be mindful of where I've been then this "journey" will be just that a journey and not just me living a lie that I call LIFE.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#14278 - 05/03/03 06:38 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Muldoon

Quote:
I got to see childhood in action. What a care free and totally trustful time in the development of the human being. Meko showed me what I had missed in my life. That which my perps stole from me.
This is the greatest theft perpetrated on me, and my wife, I've never felt safe enough to have children.

I had so many fears about continuing the cycle, so many doubts about my abilities and skills. So much confusion and doubt.

Tonight we sat in our favourite Indian resteraunt and as it filled up the tables alongside ours were taken by a man with his son about 7 yo and on the next table were two women with a little girl of about 2 yo. And although, for whatever reason, both parents weren't with these kids, we watched the smiles and interaction that went on with the sole parent there. And it's a wonderful thing.

My wife is very maternal, and I watched her watching them and saw the sorrow. It's something I see all to often now, and it's something I'm also beginning to feel.

Thankfully we have many nephews and nieces who live close that we can spoil rotten.

Dave \:\(

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#14279 - 05/04/03 10:20 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Muldoon,

Thanks for your great work. I hope this sounds ok; I wrote it to the legislators. My wife says it sounds ok.

**********

What I Have Lost

I cannot say with any certainty what I have lost, since I can never know the life I might have had if the perpetrator (I refuse to call him "my perp") had not raped me when I was 16 years old.

I was enrolled in a private high school which my parents could not afford. I was able to attend because I had won scholarships. When I was a sophomore in high school, I took the PSAT standardized tests and scored very well, in the 99th percentile. I was still only a high school sophomore but I was awarded a full four year scholarship to one college, and my scores generated a great deal of interest from many schools around the world. Within a year I would be raped multiple times and deliberately go out to drink the night before I took the SAT tests. I never graduated high school, settling for a GED. What did I lose? I can't say what might have happened.

I have no memories of high school sweethearts, first kiss, prom nights. After I was raped, I did not ask a girl out on a date for the next 8 years. What did I lose? Your guess is as good as mine. I can't identify something I never knew.

I did have a friend, a girl with whom I spent a lot of time. We were good friends, although I never considered discussing my SA history with her. One day, after we had known each other for 2 years, in a restaurant across the street from her house, she hugged me and kissed me. I froze. After telling a quick lie about needing to go somewhere, I literally fled. The fear of a possible sexual relationship was so strong that I did not see her again until the day she moved away when I waved good bye. What did I lose? I honestly do not know.

I did not join any teams, although I had enjoyed football and softball in elementary school. In fact, I never again attended physical education class. I wore my PE uniform beneath my regular clothes to avoid changing in the locker room, then snuck back to the locker room during class and changed, sneaking out of the gym before the other boys entered the locker room. I was that ashamed of my body. I had never been a star athlete, but I had enjoyed playing. What did I lose? I'm not sure, perhaps camaraderie, a sense of how to work on a team. Someone who actually had those experiences might have some idea what I lost.

I suffered from headaches that lasted sometimes for a week or longer, with no relief possible via aspirin, alcohol, street drugs, exercise, sleep, or any other remedy I tried. I had seizures, like epilepsy, but exhaustive testing never detected an identifiable physical cause. I stopped dreaming, literally and figuratively. Prior to beginning to work on recovery from the abuse (last year, 26 years after it happened) I did not recall more than a few dreams in the previous 2 decades.

Eventually I returned to school while recuperating from a car accident. I managed to put together a life that appeared on the outside to be a good one. I met and married a wonderful woman. She has given me three beautiful children. I have been unable to express emotion to them, literally afraid at times to be seen hugging them for fear that I might be taken for a molester. Worse, I have been unable to be the emotionally supportive partner that my wife deserves. Our marriage nearly failed last year, and that threat was finally sufficient for me to break my silence about the most shameful events in my life.

I have stayed in the wrong jobs, been passed over for promotions, etc., because I have been unable to speak up for myself. I have felt distant from every one I know, my parents and siblings who still do not know about the rapes, my wife from whom I hid this for so long, my children whom I can't even imagine telling. I have no close male friends, and haven't since high school. I don't go to the bar to watch a game, or have friends over for the Super Bowl. I don't have friends over at all, to my wife's consternation. What did we lose? She knows what she feels is missing in our life together. We will work on our marriage together, but at the core of many of our problems are my hard learned dysfunctional behaviors.

On a more personal level, having started to recover from the effects of those nights so long ago, I have found that I sometimes have flashbacks. These seem to occur more frequently during times of physical intimacy with my wife. Spending those precious moments with me in a frozen state of horror and shame, begging an abuser to leave me alone is not the way my wife and I imagined our life together. I have a good idea what we have lost in this case, but I'm afraid that it may be part of the process of recovery. If so, it will eventually pass, but we will never be able to recover what we lost so far.

Let me thank you for taking the time to read this, and the other sharings brought to you.

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#14280 - 05/04/03 10:40 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Spidey Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/04/03
Posts: 14
Loc: NYC
First of all, thank you for the effort, time and patience you are putting into trying to convey to the lawmakers just what SA actually means.

Second of all, I've been here before under the moniker of spider-man but forgot my password and the old account was keyed to an email address that no longer exists.

Third of all, what was stolen from me? Many things that I try to get back on a day to day basis. My life, if I were to generalise.

These are the things that I know are missing - there may be many more that I have not discovered yet. That I may never discover. But I try, as we all must. To do otherwise is to petrify.

----------------
What was stolen?

An absence of pain - in all respects. My mind is scarred and the blood of my heart runs through the channels that should not be there, that do not feel natural. The things that should feel natural don't. I cry when I have sex with my wife, when I am able to.

I should be able to take a shower like any human being, feeling clean and refreshed afterwards. Today, I nearly threw up, because, the cloying sensation of smelling semen overpowered my senses, even though physically there was no such smell.

If I ever had it, I can't remember, but I miss the idea of being at ease and comfortable with myself. To not doubt and fear and worry over everything I think and do and feel. To wonder if some part of me, twisted in the wreckage, will try to change a good thing into something destructive. I miss trusting myself, having some sense of who I am. Sixteen years of pulling the ultimate cover up on myself by hiding the memories of abuse for my own sanity and survival left me wondering: is there more that I have hidden from myself? What other dark things might crawl from this mind I sometimes laughingly call my own?
I wish I could see children playing and laughing and not fervently wish that what happened to me will not happen to them. To live every day with the pain of yesterday, the hammer blow to the clay still being molded.

My memories return, slowly. A childhood lies in there somewhere, before and between and beneath the wounds. I watch a movie where someone fondly recalls their childhood with joy and I find it hard not to hate them. I fear mine. I don't know what else I might find.

------------------
Dave


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#14281 - 05/06/03 12:14 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys I tryed to read your post on the computer but I started crying. I printed them out and will read them later down at my chair in the woods. I will get back to you all in a day or two. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#14282 - 05/11/03 04:37 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks Guys for all your input on this subject. As we can all see so much was stolen from us. This the point I want to make at the Capital that child sexual abuse is evil that laST a life time, Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#14283 - 05/11/03 05:07 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Thank you Muldoon.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#14284 - 02/18/04 10:55 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
would like to here from the new guys here on this for my work at the capital this year. Thanks Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#14285 - 02/18/04 11:49 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Ah, Muldoon, I wish I had seen this thread earlier. But what could I add that hasn't been already said?

But, yes, in my words, what I've lost:

A large chunk of my life, which was repressed until recently.

The ability to trust freely.

The ability to love truly.

My self-esteem.

My sexuality.

My ability to cope.

Sex in general.

Trust in myself.

Trust to anyone with children who knows about my situation.

Inner peace.

Everything.

But I'm trying to get it back.

Thanks for letting me say this.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#14286 - 02/18/04 12:13 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Some of you guys know that I have been really depressed lately. I am pretty much used to that having been in and out of really serious depression for 30 years but lately I have been trying to get to the bottom of it, challenge it, hear what the negative voices in my head are really saying. Journaling helps me see it.

While writing this morning it occurred to me that one of the background beliefs I have is that I survived by accident, that I wasn't really "meant" to survive, that I just slipped by, and that my reason for being alive was lost or taken away a long long time ago.

Perhaps the central thing I have to do in rebuilding my life is to take back that thing, that reason for being alive which is like saying taking back my life which includes just about everything Scot listed.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#14287 - 02/18/04 02:48 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
what have they stole from me? my childhood. any resemblence of having a life. self-respect. any feeling of selfworth. the ability to have a relationship. the ability to make love without working at it.

THEY STOLE ME.

who am i, what am i, when will i be me, where has the innerchild in me gone, what is to become of me, how am i going to trust???????

THEY STOLE ME.

Now I am taking it all back.

it's not theirs to take. it never was. those are mine, all mine. it is not greedy to want them all back, to demand them all back. they are mine, and mine alone, to share with whom i chose, when i choose. and i don't choose them.

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#14288 - 02/19/04 05:15 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I think I was stolen from myself. Everything I am capable of becoming, or could have, should have been by now. The person I was meant to be, the person my soul was put on this earth to become, if this shit had not happen. My life was stolen from me. The life of some decent and clean, innocent child, with the loving parents, the happy younger brother, the family that goes out together to the park or something, and the father will push the boys on the swings, or help them build in the sand, because he actualy love them. My mind was stolen, as it has split off into others that I do not know, and have no control over. My image of myself, my feelings of adequacy of myself, my feelings of sexuality, my feelings of confidence, my feelings of belonging in the universe, those have been taken from me. And also, with what was stolen from me, it was stolen from others also. I feel very much like the abuse continues, because it has so much influence on how I am with others, even people I love so desperately. It effects my trust of others, how much I can trust, and even how often, because it can come and go away again. It effects my trust of myself with people, and make me push them away sometime, when what I want most is them closer. It has stolen myself, my life, my relationships, my confidence, my trust, my intelligence even. I think an easier question to answer would be what was not stolen from us. Answer is nothing. It all was taken or tainted.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#14289 - 02/19/04 02:59 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
THere is so much that has been stolen from me, the list could go on forever. But a few things, my perps stole my childhood, I see my 3 and 5 year old nephews now, and wonder how could a person hurt a child like that, and I see what exactly was stolen form me in regards to my childhood.

Also, in a way, I was stolen from myself, I will never know the person I could have been if not for the abuse, and that eats at me every day. My perps stole my very identity, they stole my life, my life has not been mine, it has always belonged to them, and in a way it still does beloing to my perps because of everything I am still going through.

My ability to have a healthy realationship up to this point has been stolen, I mean I am 20 years old and have never had a girlfriend, because of fear, because of the abuse I was forced to endure.

THere are just so many things that have been stiolen from me, I mean i have lost my very identity, I don't even know who I am because of the abuise, it is very hard to filter ouit the abuse from who and what I really am.

Trust was stolen from me, the ability to really trust a person, fear has overtaken that possibility. Trust is essential to live and right now trust is a very very hard thing for me, perhaps in time it will cbe easier, but right now I cannot see the end of this fear of trust. Not only am I unable to trust other people, I am also unable to trust myself, I don't know if what I am feeling is real or just a result from the abuse.

These are just a few of the many things that were stolen from me, the list could go on forever, but these are some of the 'highlights.'

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#14290 - 02/20/04 10:33 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Scott I like to think that instead of being stolen our childhood and the ablility to have meaningful relationships were caged behind a solid steel door. The SA put it there and the shame and guilt that was laid on us aided and abetted the perps. They locked the little We and our emotions up and then they gave us the key and we continued as jailers to our childhood and emotions. And we kept silent.

Now in order to move past this state of suspended animation I think it is our duty to work hard on our recovery so that ilttle guy inside can feel comfortable enough to come out into the world again. We can be his best friend. And toghether we can do the things that children do not matter how silly they may seem to other adults. I mean, Hey we have a lot to do before the two of us reunite as one.

Just one guy's thoughts

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#14291 - 02/21/04 01:43 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
faceinthecrowd Offline
Member

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 40
Muldoon, The reality of life.I have been an actor on a stage since I was 12.///////////////////////////faceit


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#14292 - 02/21/04 02:17 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
You name it and then add the words "Decades of ", in front of it.

Decades of life.
Decades of fun.
Decades of achievement.
Decades of sexuality.
Decades of joy.
Decades of ...

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#14293 - 03/08/04 01:50 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us.
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Been super busey this last two weeks and finaly got time to look over your Replys. Printed it out and will have time in the next few days to read things over. Thanks everyone Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#257079 - 10/22/08 09:21 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Wuamei]
Puzzled Offline


Registered: 08/30/08
Posts: 18
I am 57 and was raped by my older brother from age 9 to 12 and have been in therapy for 18 months and this is something I am dealing with now in the Courage to Heal by Laura Davis when I heard myself say it was MY LIFE that was taken all I could do was cry. Thanks.


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#257211 - 10/23/08 02:42 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Wuamei]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
My sanity was stolen . My right to a nornal life is gone

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#257316 - 10/23/08 10:46 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Wuamei]
Legendre Offline


Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
I wanted to be eloquent. I wanted to say it the best, but in the end I could only cry, and agree, and thank each of you for saying it so well . . . so excruciatingly, horribly well. God, it sucks sometimes to be a survivor.

Namaste,
Legendre

_________________________
Vocatus, atque non vocatus, Deus aderit. (Bidden, or not bidden, God is present. -- carved over Carl Jung's front door)

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#257469 - 10/24/08 02:09 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Legendre]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
That which was stolen from me.

Who I really am.

For years, upon years, and in countless interactions with thousands of people in my life I was who you made me become. A person I did not know, but you made me this way.

Confused and upset, disoriented as to which way was up. You made me this way.

Afraid, and at times scared. Foolish, and too trusting. Betrayed, forgotten and discarded. Like yesterdays garbage. You made me this way.

You were the adult. I was the kid. I wasn't ready to be an adult. You made me this way.

Now as an adult, having spent so many years not knowing who I was, I have rediscovered who I am. And I will protect who I am, and what I have become from ever being abused again.

If you met me now, you wouldn't recognise me. Why?
Because I am no longer the way you made me. No longer a victim that you can use, and abuse.

I am a survivor, no thanks to you.
I am resilient and strong. I will take this rocky road to recovery and arrive at my destination fulfilled and sustained.
No thanks to you.

I will prevail over all the hardships you have placed in my way. I will emerge victorious, with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am! Who am I?

I am free of You!

Jim
Ps. Gawd! That felt good!

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#257474 - 10/24/08 02:29 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
it really hurts to read this thread. i read every single one of them, and it's all so true. why did you have to remind me? i thought i was ok, but this just dredges it all up again. it never really goes away. what a pathetic situation.

i am not in a good place these days.

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#257563 - 10/24/08 08:58 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Sans Logos]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Sorry to dredge it up. Being a new guy here I saw the thread. And you know what? No one ever asked me that question before, and it felt damn good to answer it!

S.L. I know that you are not aiming your feelings at me personally, so please don't feel bad about what I said or what you said. Like others have said in other posts, perhaps everything here should have a trigger warning. But that would eventually mean nothing to anyone. Its like when a particular smell, or a piece of music starts the floodgates. It happens, and we have no other choice but to cave to the negative feelings, or take hold of them and say its only a smell, its only a piece of music to most people. It will be the same for me. I am no longer going to be held hostage by free elements in my environment. I know its hard. I'm struggling with it myself. But, I know I will prevail. I HAVE to!

This thread was recently resurrected from 2-3 years ago. I think its a good one for us new guys. Its giving us permission, perhaps for the first time in our lives, to answer that most horrible and previously unasked qustion. I'm just sorry it took me 35+ years to read it and answer it. Maybe others will not have to wait so long.

Pax vobiscum.
Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#257587 - 10/24/08 10:08 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
jim, i didn't mean to have an apology or a retraction or anything. but i appreciate your sensitivity.

i probably read this 5 years ago when i first came here, and forgot about it.

it is very powerful to reread from the ivory tower i have built for myself today.

i needed to read it. and i need to mark it as one of my watched posts so i don't let it slip so far into the background ever again.

the onion keep revealing new layers, and i am learning that that never ends.

why else would we cling to the forum and each other even after so many years of recovery and dealing with these issues. they do not go away. they just fade underground until they find an opportunity to jump out at you without warning.

i really would like to thank you for finding it.this is a built in mechanism for testing our mettle here on this website. for this reason i don't necessarily everything should be labeled with a trigger warning....that is just me. i welcome opportunities to confront my own deceit.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#257951 - 10/25/08 10:53 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Sans Logos]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
S.L wrote : why else would we cling to the forum and each other even after so many years of recovery and dealing with these issues. they do not go away. they just fade underground until they find an opportunity to jump out at you without warning.


I cannot imagine, right now being without the MS board. Its simply, not in my vocabulary. Not possible if I am to continue in my recovery. I need this place, warts and all.

I've got lots of warts. And you?

I know I am not perfect. Where are my brothers?

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#258189 - 10/26/08 10:31 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Bump, for the new guys!

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#258314 - 10/27/08 04:25 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:52 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#306572 - 10/15/09 01:35 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: Geeders
I will prevail over all the hardships you have placed in my way. I will emerge victorious, with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am!


I wrote this almost a year ago. Now, almost a year later I am stunned at what is another one of those Karma moments for me.

For anyone who was at Alta in Septmeber, remember those tableau's, or sculptures we did as a group? Man, there I was "with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am! "

Whodathunk it??? This is almost scary! grin

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#306575 - 10/15/09 01:50 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Thanks again Jim! After I've put myself back together from reading all the years worth of prior posts and more souls who've had to become survivors I'm going to work on this. I almost started one with this name a month or so ago, but wasn't ready yet.

S

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the perp

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#306579 - 10/15/09 02:27 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: sono]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011

Hi guys,

I guess I am about 2 months into this process. I can't go into as much detail about what I lost, or what was taken from me, but I can at least talk about something that I saw as a thread through here. It seemed that many responses here touch on how the abuse affected their intimacy with others. My entire adult life has my first abuser all over it. I started seeing a whole history of intimate encounters where I just wasnt able to be there. something would always tell me to stop what I was doing. I can think back to my early 20s where I would get so uncomfortable with sex that I just couldnt finish. 20 years later at 41, am I now seeing it. I was never able to really look at it till now.

tgik



Edited by TGIK (10/15/09 02:29 PM)
Edit Reason: edited

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#306581 - 10/15/09 03:03 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: TGIK]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, All.

I am glad this thread was bumped to us new guys.

My thinking is changing as I am in Therapy and uncovering the incestual and sexual abuse messages. I discovering those things "hidden" from me that has lasted 35 years. I would say the below items were taken away or hidden from me and stolen for awhile.

I am reclaiming the below as I get in touch with the feelings I was not allowed 35 years ago.

1. Sense of self-worth
2. My sanity - although I claim a sense of altered identities
3. My confidence with intimacy
4. Sense of safety
5. Ability to learn to trust others
6. Ability to expect others to earn my trust of them
7. NON assumption of intentions - mine and others
8. Clearer boundaries
9. Ability to have fun
10.Ability to express my sexual desires freely
11.Ability to socialize without fear of rejection
12.Ability to be void of any impulse to
13.Sense of sanity
14.Ability to interact with most everybody.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#435937 - 05/27/13 03:39 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Ok I just have to put this out here again.
I feel that so much of the possible good times have been taken from me these last 7 years. I thought that I was so close to moving forward and putting this behind me but the church decided to run and hide from the TRUTH.

I have come to understand what a shity father I was to my little girl as she was growing up. The ability to be a good parent was stolen from me and I don't know if I can ever make it up to her. I failed as a parent because I was hiding in the silence. This is F***ed

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#442148 - 07/25/13 03:51 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I just wanted to add one other thing here. I was just in the hospital for 9 days and I really began to understand how I have no trust in others. I demanded that everything be explained to me, before he nurse or doctors could do anything. I should have trust in these people who are doing their jobs. I must be in total control at all times and just do not trust others.

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#442230 - 07/26/13 11:24 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 611
Loc: where the shadows lie
Wow . . . what a thread.

Its so hard to know what was stolen, and who stole what. The emotional abuse of my parents and the CSA from 3 others worked in a hideous unintentional partnership, so I can't say for sure what was stolen by whom. So with the disclaimer that I'm not sure who stole what:

*A chance at having a normal brain. When I first learned that research is showing that survivors have damaged limbic systems, that made so much sense to me. I don't manage emotions the way other people do, and it goes beyond just never learning how.

*The consistent sense of believing its ok for me to be alive. I spend so much time being sure that my very existence is hurting other people, and I have to make up for it by trying to be as small and sacrificial as possible.

*normal sleep.

*there are more, so many more. but that's all I can deal with right now.
_________________________


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#442247 - 07/26/13 04:04 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1413
You stole my relationship with my father, who loved me as much as I loved him, yet I kept him at a distance so he wouldn't discover the dirty and guilty little soul you made me think I was. His last words to me before a surgery he did not survive: "You are a very private person and I wish I knew you better - but I know you love me." Yeah. THAT'S what you STOLE from me. I hope it was worth the selfish little pleasures you made me give you. It certainly wasn't worth mine.

You stole my relationship with girls, maybe my future wife and family because every time I started to make my "moves" I felt like YOU and couldn't go further. Nothing was worse than being YOU. I didn't know how to be a man, only how to be your girlfriend.

You stole from me my relationship with myself - that when you had your fun with me, my body responded while my heart rebelled, leaving me alone to reconcile the split with all the sophisticated perspectives and mental tools of a 13 year old boy. I hated my body for being a traitor, and at a deep level I just didn't want to know myself anymore.

But here is what you did not steal...

You did not take away my integrity, my sensitivity, my talents, my decency, my friends, and my ability to climb out of the depths of shame and secrecy. My dad called me a little bouncing ball. You took me down, but didn't count on me bouncing back up.

You took my choices away - you took my virginity and my body, and you took my autonomy like a hand in a puppet. You took so much. But you made one big mistake. You left my heart. And that is all I really needed. The irony is amazing - I see you now, rotting away in that facility, and realize that for all you took, you have NOTHING. And for all I had to give, I have everything - everything that's truly important.

And if things work the way I hope they do, I will see you again soon. In a court room. I'll be the one without the bailiff. I'll be the one smiling. And I'll be the one walking into the sunshine after the gavel falls.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#442251 - 07/26/13 05:21 PM ! [Re: Muldoon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:06 PM)

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