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#141652 - 02/14/07 09:47 PM Worst Day Ever
BelievesIn143 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 3
I am new here. I have been visiting this disscussion site since October, when I found out that my husband is a survivor. Through the whole thing, I have tried to have hope. But, he continues to lie and hide things from me, even though he promises all of the time to stop. I'm not sure he's ever told me the whole truth about anything.

I have tried to be very supportive and do everything I can to help him. However, he is in a state of "searching for himself". He swears he loves me and never wants to loose me, but he has admitted that he is undecided about his sexuality. He will be starting counseling soon, and I have become very afraid of what the outcome will be.

Today was one of my very worst days. I have lost my sense of connection with him (if I ever really had one) and couldn't even bring myself to buy him a Valentine's Day card. I was reading them and they all sounded too romantic and "mushy" (this is the only word I can think of). I was so sad that I left the store crying.

I guess this is what prompted me to finally post something of my own. I think I have been hoping all of this time I was just dreaming, instead of living in a nightmare.


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#141662 - 02/14/07 10:55 PM Re: Worst Day Ever [Re: BelievesIn143]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
BI143 - Welcome to the site. I'm sorry for the reason you came here but this is the place to disclose and explore your feelings about sexual abuse. I speak as a male survivor. There was a time I and my wife went through the emotional disconnection you speak of. I am the type that I search for the right card that speaks from my heart...if I'm struggling with that connection, I can not choose a mushy card or lovey-dovey card that is false to my feelings. For me, I had to work it through until my feelings returned. The best advice I have to share is to maintain communication and honesty. Don't force it but realize you both must work it through - for yourself and then with each other. Don't assume you knoiw the other nor question the other's sincerity but rather work on yourself. Keep posting and exploring.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#141684 - 02/15/07 07:48 AM Re: Worst Day Ever [Re: ScottyTodd]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
BelievesIn143,
Quote:
Through the whole thing, I have tried to have hope.
You can have hope. It may seem like you're living a nightmare, it may certainly feel that way, but you don't have to lose hope. Not hope that you are dreaming, but hope that you will be ok.
Quote:
He will be starting counseling soon, and I have become very afraid of what the outcome will be.
If he works at it, the outcome will be good. You can take that to the bank. He will learn to be honest with himself and with others. He will learn to love himself and become able to love you in a healthy relationship.

That doesn't mean that his counseling will be the panacea for all of the problems/issues/challenges in your relationship. That doesn't exist. If he works at C, it does mean that you will have a husband who's much more emotionally healthy in the relationship with you.

Which brings us to you. Have you looked at your own "baggage" and what kinds of responses to his actions (not just lies and broken promises, but all his interactions with you) you have that might be related to your own "stuff?" What kinds of things can you do for yourself, not just for healing, but to feel good about yourself?

It wasn't you who abused your husband. It won't be you who heals him. But it can be you who makes your life better right now, one little thing at a time.

I believe in Isaiah 43, too. And in Jeremiah 29:11-14, words that meant a lot to me during the worst time in my marriage, and still ring true today. Don't lose hope. It can be very difficult, but it is going to be ok.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#141740 - 02/15/07 06:28 PM Re: Worst Day Ever [Re: outis]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
"In the middle of it all,
There's a quiet place called
Love
I'll meet you there"

That's what the Valentine said that I bought for my b/f this year. It was the sixth one I've purchased for him, but the first to make him cry.

You'll find your place.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#142574 - 02/21/07 07:17 AM Re: Worst Day Ever [Re: Trish4850]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Sorry I've come to this thread so late, I've been taking a little break......


I just wanted to say, I hear your anxiety and totally understand what you're going through right now. To hear your husband say he is undecided about his sexuality naturally puts you into an impossible situation and I am not surprised you could not buy a card.....try not to be too hard on yourself. You didn't not buy a card because you were being mean or hurtful towards your husband, you are hurting at the moment and in a place where your trust has been damaged. From that place, it can be very hard to 'feel' any loving feelings towards your partner. You might even be a bit numb?


It might sound totally confusing when your husband says, "....... he loves me and never wants to loose me, but he has admitted that he is undecided about his sexuality......, but you can most likely trust the FACT he said he loves you and doesn't want to loose you. The sexual confusion is probably exactly that, confusion. I would say that more reading on this site will further help you to understand how that could be.......

And about the therapy, (as long as it's a good/effective/empowering therapist), believe what Outis said, "If he works at it, the outcome will be good. You can take that to the bank. He will learn to be honest with himself and with others. He will learn to love himself and become able to love you in a healthy relationship."


You may want to consider some therapy/support for yourself too, as this stuff is not easy going. You will probably have to become a stronger person........

Remember, you're hurting right now, your future has been thrown into doubt, your past thrown into question.........but believe me when I say this time will pass. One way or another life will move on from the dark place you're in right now and you'll be ok again, most likely in the loving arms of your husband.

Have hope.

peace
Beccy


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#142593 - 02/21/07 01:23 PM Re: Worst Day Ever [Re: beccy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I'll offer you this to do with as you please.

Once I told ALL to my wife (by "ALL" I mean everything about my rapes and other forced acts...all the gories) we changed radically for the BEST. He may not be ready. I was NEVER going to disclose ANY of this to ANYONE...especially not my wife!!

I think the Lord led me to full disclosure because that was the only way I was going to heal.

If all you have is broad-brush-stroke pictures, then your mind is clearly already filling in the details. You MIGHT let him now that. I started with broad brush strokes because I did not think she could handle the REAL, FULL truth. Once I knew I was not going to be judged, I spilled my guts. She never judged. She never even asked a judging-question (yes there ARE judging questions and we all fear them)...ever.

I'll be praying for you both.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#142605 - 02/21/07 03:21 PM Re: Worst Day Ever [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
He may distance himself from you and be too preoccupied to give you the love and support that you've come to expect from him, but PLEASE tell us that he's not acting out and cheating on you, because that is inexcusable, (not that that can't be forgiven, but it REALLY complicates things in a marriage).

Abuse is NO excuse to not treat you with honesty and respect.


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