This is very long and self-indulgent. I apologize. You may not want to trudge through it. Bobby
If someone were to ask me my best quality
I'd have to just stare blankly
For there is no me
You know how when you put your foot down on the floor, it's solid there?
If you put it down on me
Your foot would go right through
I cannot find a floor to me
I cannot find out where I end
And, therefore, don't know who I am.
I don't know what I mostly think
And never see the right or wrong of things
Unless, of course, it hurts someone
To hurt someone is always wrong
And not just hurt with sticks and stones
As names and words have often hurt me.
But really, on most other things
I see both sides.
And, I hate that.
I'd like to be this big tough dude
Who knows exactly what he thinks
And slams his fist down on the bar
And tells the world just how it is.
But even if I had his girth
His chest and arms
I'd have to slam my fist and say
"Well, on the one hand I should think...."
Then slam the other one and say,
"But, then, it might just be the other way."
And watch them roll their eyes above their beers.
I think I just may not exist
In human form
And may inhabit someone else
God knows this guy in whom I now reside
Does not resemble me a bit
When he goes out, he's not a thing like me
And I must wait, 'till we get home to be myself at all.
I think I threw a part of me away
The part I thought they didn't like
The part I learned to hate as much as they did
The part of me I'd like to get to know again
To say to him how sorry I am
For the way I've treated him all these years
Been ashamed of him
For I have been as bad to him as they were
For I've abused him all these many years
Long after all of them were dead and gone
How do I make it up to him?
How do I love him
Bring him out
Make him feel safe
Make him feel whole
Worthy to take a breath at all?
For I would heal that part of me
If I could love him
Oh, God, I want to love him
For then I think that maybe I could start to love me
He is me, is he not?
The me I was before the me I was
Was deemed unworthy for this life?
How do you wash the world away?
How do you wash their lying from your skin?
How do you turn your body inside out and let the real you show
And love him
And not be afraid that you'll be hated
Be always left unloved
For who you are
All I want is love
Except that I need love from someone long since dead.
Will I ever stop wanting it
Needing it more than I need breath?
Will each day ever cease to be a quest to fill the hole of grief?
For the older I get
The emptier seem the things I've used to fill it up.
And I can feel the gaping hole again.
How peculiar that I had to wait until I became an old man
To understand what caused a small child's pain.
The things my child went through
And then with brute force made himself trudge on.
How strong he was
But, he, alas believed the things they said
And trudged on trying desperately to be the things he couldn't be
And never ever valued who he was.
And now I pray it's not to late to change myself
To love myself
To invite myself to be
Frightened like a child again.
For that's who he is.....a child
Hidden all these many years
Peering out at life from deep inside.
But I'll not stop this quest
Not stop the coaxing
Changing of myself.
I have to give this being
This part of me
A chance to live
And have not much time left
I'll make it safe for you
None of what they said was true
Come out into the light and be
Come out and feel the sunlight on your face
And feel the cooling breezes blowing through your hair.
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.