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#14085 - 05/02/03 11:28 AM Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
confused_n_alone Offline
Member

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 31
Loc: Ottawa Ontario Canada
Ok I donít know why I have to do this I just feel I have tooÖÖÖÖ..

I really donít quite remember when it started but I remember being sent to my grand parents to live in Scarborough when I was 7. I had been having problems in school with my teachers and principle. And my mother didnít know how why I was acting up in class and at home. By this time I do remember there was a lot of hitting and verbal and emotional abuse at home by my mother. She had 3 children and single coming out of a bad marriage with my step father (which was abusive to me and my mom as well) I was the eldest of the us all.

I remember being excited to go and live with them..

But I remember it wasnít long till the abuse started things arenít really clear about how it happened but on night in particular sticks out ..

I was swimming next door in the neighborís pool after school .I finished my swim and went to change and dry off and change in to something dry my grandfather came in to help me dry off. And as he was during my chest I got an erection and he began to pat around my genitals gently ďfelt weird but not badĒ I got dressed after he dried me off and went to watch TV ďMASHĒ was My favorite show bed time came and I kissed everybody goodnight and went of to bed Ö

I donít know how much time that passed but I remember him waking me up gently
And saying that we had the house to ourselves cause grandma had to go out for a bit. I remember him telling me that I had turned him on when he was during off by body after the swim as his hands slipped under my covers and started to rub softly my chest at first then lower I was enjoying it felt good I again got an erection and his hands slipped under my pants and began to fondle me he kept telling me all the way through this that I was a special boy and this was our little secret ..

This continued for some time until he was afraid he would be caught and he gave me a kiss again and reminded me that he loved me and it was our little secret and never to tell.

I lived with them for a year and it happened often ..

This all I can do right now and I am sorry for the length of the post..

But I am having trouble understanding why I got aroused why did enjoy what he was doing why didnít I stop him why didnít I say something why did I let this terrible thing happen for so long till my teens 14 or 15 I think

I had to of enjoyed it if it lasted that long
Am I just a saddest and different and not abused did I let this happen did I enjoy it
Why ???? did it happen so long

Confused N_alone

_________________________
A Jouney starts with one step
A Trip starts With Friends

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#14086 - 05/02/03 11:53 AM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
randy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/02
Posts: 30
Loc: Pittsburgh, Pa
My friend,
I also was the victim of a Grandfathers lust.
Every thought you just posted,I felt also.
Remember one thing from me. A child is no more in control of his body's reaction to a stimuli
than a gnat in a thunderstorm. I was powerless, you were powerless. I was told to keep it a secret and I believed I had to. We were very destitute (NO FATHER) and Grandpa brought the food.
He knew how to play my emotions and I felt obligated to go along lest my siblings suffer hunger.
Well our home burned down and we moved into our grandparents home. I did some desperate very illegal (Burglary, theft, vandalism) actions that made me a ward of the state. I escaped!
Sounds to me from your post that like me you ENDURED it not ENJOYED it.
Erections do not automatically mean enjoyment
or arousal especially in the young..


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#14087 - 05/02/03 11:58 AM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
friend, i enjoyed what happened to me. i wish i hadnt, and it caused me a lot of problems over the years, but i enjoyed it. heaven knows, i still love sex, and it all began with being molested. i was too young to react, and didnt get an erection, but i enjoyed the closeness and the way it felt to be touched. i enjoyed touching and mouthing him as well. i felt guilty for that just as you are, but we lacked the knowledge to understand. we didnt know to be offended or sickened. we reacted on pure childish instinct. we trusted these people, and had no reason to fear or doubt them. you were the victim, remember that.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#14088 - 05/02/03 02:24 PM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Confused:
I too am like Zadok. When it first happened it was very bad but I got an erection and had an orgasm. Then I got used to it and god forbid I may have looked forward to the abuse.

When I was on the streets in Ottawa Hustling I told myself it was for the money but by that time I was addicted to kinky pain and sex. Did a real number on my self worth.
Quote:
I had to of enjoyed it if it lasted that long
Am I just a saddest and different and not abused did I let this happen did I enjoy it
Why ???? did it happen so long
Conditioning and beeing paid attention to. That is it and nothing more. Dont dwell on it my brother wolf just move on. It is not your fault that it went on as long as it did, never was and never will be

AAAAWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#14089 - 05/02/03 03:37 PM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Confused, children are not made for sex. They are not physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared for it, and when they're introduced to it prematurely, it's going to envoke a lot of reactions in them. The fact is that sex is meant to feel good and it's likely going to make your body react in certain ways whether you wanted the sex or not. The only thing that constitutes an act of rape/molestation is if you didn't want or ask for it. It doesn't matter how it felt to you, physically, or even emotionally. You were a child and didn't know or understand what it was that he was doing. It was in no way your fault. Being introduced to it at such a young age it probably became "normal" to you and this is why you let it continue. Perhaps also out of fear. How could you have stopped it? You were just a child. Don't blame yourself.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#14090 - 05/02/03 04:00 PM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
confused_n_alone Offline
Member

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 31
Loc: Ottawa Ontario Canada
but i got older i kept being asked if this happened i couldn't come to tell anyone it was my grandfather

i didn't have to go back in my teens i was on my own lived on the streets

i was 6'2 almost 260 lb but it still happened i kept going back ???

Why?

i know that it wasn't my fault every body tells me this and i hear it and i read it..still i think sometime like today it was me.

i can't seem to focus on any thing else my work sufferes my relatioin ship does as well i pushed away my wife and daughter yesturday she is 3 i didn't want her to touch me

and then comes the guilt and shame that i can't seem to let the ones that love me close

sory for rambling

_________________________
A Jouney starts with one step
A Trip starts With Friends

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#14091 - 05/02/03 04:15 PM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
confused_n_alone,

This sounds a lot like what I feel. I keep trying to remember stuff that my mind has blocked out, because from what I do remember, I blame myself.

I know, in my mind, that it was not my fault, but I'm so accustomed to blaming myself or thinking poorly of myself or something along those lines that I won't let myself off the hook.

I am so f***ing ashamed of what I do remember. I get very upset when I think back. I guess in a sense I'm trying to punish myself.

But it wasn't my fault. And it wasn't your fault. I don't know how to convince you, 'cause I haven't convinced myself yet, but I do know it's true.

It's really strange. When I hear someone else with a story like mine, I know and feel that he was abused, and he should feel no guilt for it. But when I try to apply the same "gentleness" to myself, I say other things like, "I was 16. I was practically an adult. I should have known better."

It ains't true. Go check the post about the Lies We Were Told

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001044#000000

I'm in severe rambling mode this afternoon. I'm trying to say that you're not the only one fighting the urge to accept blame when we should not.

I hope that much helps somehow.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#14092 - 05/03/03 12:33 AM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
To not accept responsibility for what was perpetratated on me is so difficult. It seems to be even more like my fault because I "could have" stopped it. It doesn't make it easier when it's a family member who abused me, it makes it far more twisted and crazy for me.

I can blame myself all I want, but what does that do but continue the abuse in a way. I start to heal when I put the blame fully where it belongs, on him, not me. The hard part about that is then dealing with the truth of his betrayal of me and his evilness.

Sure, I went back for more when I knew better. What teen boy isn't going to like getting his dick sucked off? Part of keeping me silent was making me think I wanted it.

It's all about abuse of power and authority, of using our shame to make us feel guilty and responsible, but we're not. Shaking those bonds and heavy chains is a struggle for me. I cut 'em lose then wrap 'em back on.

c_n_a, sometimes we can't make sense for ourselves what we can clearly see applies to another survivor. We have a giant blind spot when it comes to knowing ourselves and being able to deal with the past. If you enjoyed the sex, so what? That just shows your body functions correctly.

Pushing your wife and daughter away also seems like a natural response at times when you're deep in your own 'doo doo'. It's ok to do that when you're in that place. At the time they may not understand but you can tell them later why you did.

I'm sometimes amazed at how many common physicological reactions we survivors share in response to our abuse experiences. Our dysfunctional coping methods (thru no fault of our own) seem to be similar too. Unfortunately we all have to walk our own road of healing where a common set of directions can point the way, but they're not too clear cut.

jer


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#14093 - 05/03/03 09:16 AM Re: Shhhhhhhh remember itís our little secret (trigger)
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
but i got older i kept being asked if this happened i couldn't come to tell anyone it was my grandfather

i didn't have to go back in my teens i was on my own lived on the streets

i was 6'2 almost 260 lb but it still happened i kept going back ???

Why?
CN, you may have been a 6'2" 260 lb teenage young man in body, but emotionally you were, well, a confused & alone little boy; heck you were even living on the streets. Where else were you gonna go. Your perp had groomed you, you were trained & set up to want & go back for me--as a vulnerable child, by a trusted adult.

Quote:
i know that it wasn't my fault every body tells me this and i hear it and i read it..still i think sometime like today it was me.
Like Jer says:

Quote:
c_n_a, sometimes we can't make sense for ourselves what we can clearly see applies to another survivor. We have a giant blind spot when it comes to knowing ourselves and being able to deal with the past. If you enjoyed the sex, so what? That just shows your body functions correctly.
Quote:
i can't seem to focus on any thing else my work sufferes my relatioin ship does as well i pushed away my wife and daughter yesturday she is 3 i didn't want her to touch me

and then comes the guilt and shame that i can't seem to let the ones that love me close

sory for rambling
Ah my friend I so empathize with you on this, remembering back; my daughters are now grown. Still have trouble with intimacy with my wife. Nevertheless we have a loving family relationship all around.

CN, no need to apologize for rambling. That's what we're here for.

And if you think that's rambling, well, have you read any of my posts?

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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