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#140855 - 02/09/07 12:05 PM Would you be worried?
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
I have a strange question that I need a little input on. I told my therapist last night that sometimes i feel so bad that if I could will my heart to stop I would. But I don't nor have I felt like killing myself. Well, a got a call about an hour ago and from my therapist who just wanted to check on me. I have never had a counselor call me like that. So given what I just stated would any of you guys be worried about some one who made that statement? Or, am I just not used to someone reaching out to me.


Thanks and Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#140878 - 02/09/07 02:57 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: lostandfound]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I guess you either found a T who is new, or one of the few who really care,

ste


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#140883 - 02/09/07 03:15 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: reality2k4]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Maybe that's why it freaked me out. I've been seeing this T since October for a completely different reason. Actually it was marriage counseling, but it turns out this T had worked in a sexual assault center in my town for about thirteen years. My wife and I decided that I should try to discuss the CSA and well, i have and it's been really difficult.

Anyway, it just threw me a little bit and maybe I am a little touched by it. (uncomfortable maybe)

-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#140903 - 02/09/07 07:09 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: lostandfound]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Lost,

I don't know the history there, but if someone were to make a statement like that to me, I might be concerned. I think your T was checking in with you to make sure you hadn't slid further into depression. I think it's a good sign.


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#140906 - 02/09/07 07:18 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: Dewey2k]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
L & F,

You have a good T there, Bro. Rejoice that there is someone out there in your life that truly cares. I think you will be safe talking to him about anything that is troubling to you. I can relate to how difficult it is, but it gets easier, and as you talk about it, the things in the past that hurt so much and that have such a hold will begin to loose their grip and you'll find yourself so much more free.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#141266 - 02/12/07 02:38 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: WalkingSouth]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Thanks all,

I have trust issues and while I do feeling dying sometimes I do not feel like doing it myself. I had a rough weekend and I think I'm going on medication so I'm feeling like a failure at the moment. (I'm side tracked)

I sometimes get too much in my head and have a difficult time sorting out the intent of someone else. Usually I just shutdown emotionally and get drunk at the earliest possible time. I am fighting that right now. Yep it all has me by the neck right now and pulling under. I feel like I'm loosing my grip. I'll see my therapist tomorrow. I feel like such a shit right now. How can you cope?

I'm rambling on like an idiot so I'll log back in when I've something positive to report. I don't want to cause anyone any worry. I don't want to burden anyone. I've been through worse. I will make it! Godd*mn it!

Thanks for listening.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#141340 - 02/13/07 12:45 AM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: lostandfound]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
I think all of your reactions are completely understandable. Not that I want to spark a controversy here, but I actually think the T was a little invasive. No question T erred on the side of caution and compassion, but it's obvious that the T's forwardness set you on edge a little bit, and perhaps made you question whether or not you should have spoken up about those feelings. At worst this might cause you to question what you can and can't say around them. If you can, I would suggest letting your T know how his phone call made you feel. And no matter what, know that you are certainly not a failure. You're a survivor.

It's hard sometimes to remember, but there is no reason for you to feel ashamed about any feeling you have. As overwhelming as the storm sometimes is, remember that you didn't set it into motion. I went rafting once, and one of the first things the river guide told us was what to do if we fell out of the boat. Contrary to what I thought, if I fell into the water in the middle of a rapid instead of struggling and fighting to swim out of it he told us that the best way to get through was to relax and let the water carry you out. The life preservers we wore would keep us afloat until we made it through.

It's proven to be good advice out of the water as well. Whenever I feel overwhlemed I try to remember to stop struggling and let the current carry me through. I listen to music and try to do some square breathing. Our brains have their own life preservers that will keep us afloat, even when the waters seem all churned up.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#141414 - 02/13/07 03:03 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Thanks guys for the responses,

Tartugas,
Yep, it really put me on edge. I think I place people in neat little corridors in my mind and when they show up in a different place I get a little freaked out. I feel conflicted but I think I decided that it is okay for my T to call and see how I'm doing. I like your advice on going with the flow. I'm so uptight about everything that is a tall order right now.

I have a T appointment tonight and I do think I'll tell her how I felt if only because I have spent so much time on it. Maybe I am opsessing or something.

Onward and upward, right?

Blessing to all.
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#141666 - 02/14/07 11:26 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: lostandfound]
tartugas Offline
Board Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/11/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hey lost,

I hope your session went well. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to this earlier, but I've been on a bit of a slide meself.

As someone who's had about 30 years of dealings with therapists (we got started in kindergarten) on and off, I've learned a few things. One of the hardest things to establish is a healthy balance between the doctor's responsibility to guide the patient and the patient's responsiblity to actually do the work of healing. But the basic rule of thumb here is that it's the doctor's responsiblity to communicate clearly and help establish that balance early on, and it's your responsibility to communicate as much information as you can to your doctor so that they can make the best decisions possible.

Obviously it takes a lot of trust to be able to feel totally open with anyone, and for those of us who are survivors trusting ourselves is hard enough, let alone someone else. Of course you're obsessing, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. Your mind is working hard trying to make sense of confusing situations and fearful interactions in the present while still working on resolving the pain of the past. That's why we're in therapy in the first place. It's okay to admit that things are confusing and worrisome. It's okay to admit that you're confused and struggling. It's okay to be hurting. You were hurt, and unlike a bruise on the skin, which you can watch heal on it's own, this bruise is buried much deeper, and the process of healing is, at times, hidden from view. That's why we need to be able to trust our doctors, and be able to speak freely with them, they help us make sense of what we can't see.

You're not alone.

_________________________
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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#141677 - 02/15/07 03:26 AM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: tartugas]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
L & F,

Just checking back to see how things are going. You're on the right path here. The same one the rest of us are, so it's no problem to give you a shoulder to lean on if you need it. Tomorrow it may be one of us that you are helping.

Keep the faith in your own worth,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#141716 - 02/15/07 02:34 PM Re: Would you be worried? [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Thanks John and Tartugas,

My session went bad, not because of anything in particular. I'm feeling kind down right now and not really in any mood to talk. I am really glad that you guys are here though showing concern. I'll get back to you all on this but right now i'm just feeling a bit tired. The doc put me on an anti-depressant. It isn't working yet. I always thought coffee was a good anti-depressant:)

I'll post some later. Until then:

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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