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#140797 - 02/08/07 11:19 PM First Disclosure.
Mick^ Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 5
I've a brother 5.5 years my senior, When i was Nine i was coerced into incest, with him. I'm 24 now i'm just trying to put together all the things i feel/felt about what happened. I'm getting very unnerved, nausea and near vomiting sometimes, my emotions are swinging around like crazy from apologetics to the SOB, wrath on inaminate objects(knuckles bleeding i guess thats a +1 for the brick wall) and just feeling sick.

Just wondering what kind of emotional pitfalls you guys went through when you first admitted what has happened.

Some ways i think anonymity on this board has taken away a lot of the edge of actually saying anything about this i can't imagine actually talking to anyone about it atm.


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#140806 - 02/09/07 12:18 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Mick,

Welcome. You are not alone. Many of us have experience the feelings, nausea, etc. you are speaking of. It can be quite intimidating to have all this stuff coming at you with nowhere to turn. You've discovered a place of safety here where you will be believed and supported. Don't be afraid to tell us if you need anything in the way of support, a listening ear, or that you just need to vent. This is the place for that.

Come on in, look around, and just take it a day at a time.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#140807 - 02/09/07 12:25 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: WalkingSouth]
Halibut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/06
Posts: 228
Loc: Alaska
Welcome Mick,

I'm sorry you were abused, and all that you are going through right now. I threw up the morning I went to the police, found my emotions went up and down and felt like controlled me rather than me them. It is soooo tough, but necessary for a better life. Take things at your speed, be gentle and pampering to yourself right now, do whatever it takes.

There's good people here to support you and help. I'm grateful for the folks here.

Welcome....it will get better.

Hal


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#140821 - 02/09/07 02:13 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Halibut]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Mick,

I could be there in that room with you as you type. I feel that emotion that you have expressed in your first heroic disclosing post. I think pretty much all of us have felt that sickening feeling you describe.

This is an incredibly brave thing you have done. You will do even braver things in the days, weeks and months to follow. Be assured, this biggest step probably hurts the most – the initial reaching out. And I think you make a very good point. The anonymity of the web and this site just makes it all possible. I’m glad you found us.

Mick, as you read more posts and post yourself as and when you feel comfortable to do so, you will discover so many guys here can relate to what you are feeling and going through. Again, that is such a great thing and a relief.

A real life example for you from me to you – my older brother abused me from when I was 4 – 11 years old. I never told. That has its own issues that can be covered in other posts.

Everyone here helps everyone else. I’m glad you’re here with us.


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#140823 - 02/09/07 03:17 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Grunty1967b]
Mick^ Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 5
Thanks guys, its good to know the feeling ill thing seems pretty common, when you're working on whats going on.Grunty if i can ask is there a significant age difference between you and your brother? Are/Were you worried other's will write it off as he was "only" 15. Maybe i'm being overly paranoid about the whole thing but i just can't shake that feeling.

I'm wishing some major ill-will down on him.


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#140827 - 02/09/07 06:24 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Hi...Mick...My Brother Had his Way With me Quite A few Times...He Was 2 Years Older.I Was Around 9 Or 10...Dont Recall...My Dad Caught Him Once Dooing This...I Got Yelled At..Like It Was All my Fault...Then All Was Forgotten...Took me Aprox 30 Years to Realize That This Was The Route to my Problems..Yet Never connected the Two..Also I Had Repressed This In my memory So it Didnt Surface untilAbout 5 Years Ago Welcome.......Steve


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#140835 - 02/09/07 08:18 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: sabata]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Welcome Mick!

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#140840 - 02/09/07 08:44 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Nobbynobs]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Welcome Mick. I know well of what you speak.

Dale


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#140848 - 02/09/07 10:07 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
lostandfound Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Hey Mick,

I'm new here too and yes. I have gotten quite sick. The first time I ever spoke the words "I was sexually molested" I vomited. I was also nearly finished with a litre of rum too. AT the time that was the only way to get it out. That was ten years ago and until recently I very rarely discussed it and that was only with my wife. I still feel physically ill when I talk about it though it is getting better. I'm in counseling and trying to work up the nerve to join a support group.

Talk to the guys here. Vent. Find a therapist too because, at least in my experience, it has helped to explain some of my depression and filters and triggers. I think that admitting to yourself that you can't do this alone is a big step. You are indeed NOT alone.

Please know that you are loved and worthwhile. Though I'm new I have seen the caring expressed here and you will too. Hang in there.

Blessings
-lost

_________________________
"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

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#140867 - 02/09/07 01:41 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: lostandfound]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11020
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to the board Mick!

As you can see, many can relate to what you've shared. You are truly not alone.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#141057 - 02/10/07 09:24 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: FormerTexan]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Mick,

My brother was 3 years older than me. I know of guys here where the person that abused then was 1 year older. It all comes down to where the abuser has a position of control over you. That control can be emotional, physical, implied or other forms.

The sad thing is once as a child you have been wounded you are vulnerable and you become powerless to defend yourself. You have less and less strength to resist next time – regardless of whether you know it’s wrong or not, and remember you are now looking at all of this through adult eyes but when it was happening you were not an adult.

As LostAndFound mentioned, seeing a Therapist is highly advisable if you can – and when you are ready to do so. I have been seeing one who specialises in male childhood sexual abuse (that’s crucial) for 18 months. I took time for me to be ready to do that, but it is so helpful. I’m still working up the courage to join a physical support group here in my home town. Soon perhaps? Step by step I guess. We all need to take this in our own time.


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#141062 - 02/10/07 09:53 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Mick,

You asked about the experience of admitting what happened. When I admitted to myself, 25 years later, about what the perp from my teen years did, I struggled to use the word "rape." But that was what it was, and I still remember now the very moment when I was able to admit that to myself. It was a turning point for me, the first of many.

Emotionally, it was an earthquake. It got worse before it started getting better, but looking at it now, the worse and the better, I wouldn't avoid doing it if I had to face the choice again. If I could go back in time, I'd face the truth sooner rather than later. (Wishful thinking, pure fantasy. We all face the truth no earlier than when we're ready for it.)

This is a good place to be. There are a lot of people here who can understand something of what you're feeling. No one can know exactly what it's like for you, but we each know what it's like, what it's been like on our individual journeys.

Hang in there. You'll probably find at some point that you'd like to try to trust a therapist or counselor. I suppose it could be possible for someone to heal without T, but that someone sure would not have been me. When you're ready for that, it'll be another turning point. When you're ready.

Thanks,

Joe


_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#178220 - 09/04/07 01:48 PM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: Mick^]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Mick^ -

I was also abused by my brother who was 4+ years my senior. Mine started when I was 10 and lasted 2 years so I think we have a lot in common. I spent the next 35 years cutting myself just to feel something as I was so zoned out. After his death of AIDS in 1993 I started to act out sexually. I always faced the nausea, anxiety, and real pain. Being filled with guilt and shame is an awful way to live.

It does help to reach out on this board. And as hard as it is to talk about, find a support group and talk. You will see you are not alone. And read books like Abused Boys by Mic Hunter.



Edited by kellygtx (09/04/07 01:48 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178335 - 09/05/07 05:47 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: kellygtx]
ca_tallguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 17
Loc: California
I can relate to a lot of you in this post. My brother is 1.5 years older than me and opened the can of worms that have followed me through life when I was maybe 10. He also abused the sister just younger than me, and later on when she got too old and put a stop to it, our baby sister. I have come to the realization over just the last few days that this, along with abuse by an older man that I worked for when I was around 16, really screwed up my development and the effects have tormented me to the present.

As others have experienced, I have acted out sexually and in many other ways throughout life, not to mention trouble with socializing, relationships, and anxiety in quite a number of situations. I thought it was just me and was in denial about the abuse having anything to do with it until now.

The hard part for me is that I think my brother may have been abused in even a more horrific way by others. When I confronted him a few weeks ago, he said something like, "nobody cares what happened to me." My response to him was that he should address it the way my siblings and I were trying to address what happened to us. But it doesn't lessen the damage inflicted upon us.

In any case, I have been beyond angry about what he did to my sisters, and am now angry about what he did to me now that I am no longer denying the impact. I don't know if I can ever forgive him but wonder if I should try if I confirm that he was severely abused/sexualized by others as I suspect. I seem to have been able to avoid becoming a perpetrator of abuse on others. Shouldn't he have been able to stop himself as well?

I think that I could forgive him if he were leading the best life he possibly could to try to make up for it. But he is far from doing that.


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#178624 - 09/06/07 11:27 AM Re: First Disclosure. [Re: ca_tallguy]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
ca tallguy,

Most probably you are right thinking that your brother was also abused. This stuff just doesn't pop into a young persons mind to do these things.

That aside, your recovery is paramount. For me, I assume my brother must have also been abused but the thoughts you have of "why did he have to then do it to me also?" come my way but of course those are questions we may never get valid or sensical answers to.

As far as "what about him?". Again, work on you first.


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