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#140951 - 02/10/07 12:07 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: Rambler]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
.



Edited by AshSurvived (02/10/07 06:48 AM)

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#140967 - 02/10/07 07:28 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: AshSurvived]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
outis,

thanks so much for both sharing your experience and providing links; seems hopper's site is also down at the moment; i'll try it again in the next few days. i've read some of hopper's work before he's brilliant.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#141028 - 02/10/07 04:25 PM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: indygal]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Female predators are far more unlikely to be caught.
A boy would just think the cops and everyone else will
just laugh at him, hence few females are brought to justice.

Boys need to grow up in their natural lives without having sex thrust upon them at an early age.
Its not the act in itself but the after effects emotionally.

Kids are under so much pressure to achieve good results in school without all the emotional garbage that goes on with intergenerational sex.

There is no difference in the sexes, we are all capable of harming innocence if we choose to do it.
It may satisfy a moment of lust, but it is deeply disturbing to those who it happens to.

ste


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#141046 - 02/10/07 07:10 PM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: reality2k4]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Indy,

My b/f was abused by both of his parental units with the mother taking the lead role. She also told the father how to "punish" him. Nighmare doesn't even begin...........

In spite of this, my b/f is intelligent, extremely intelligent actually, runs his own company, and definately stays out of trouble. How this man exists despite the horrors he went through is beyond me, but he does.

I agree with you that I can't think of more extreme betrayal than being abused by your own parents, but I don't think you can discount it just because your b/f seems to function well. There are definitely some people who can and do come through it with many abilities intact. To the outside world, they have the ability to flurish and thrive. Then there are those of us who get close to them. Only then do the breaks in the glass become obvious.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#141078 - 02/11/07 01:36 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: Trish4850]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
thanks both of you for your comments.

Originally Posted By: Trish4850
My b/f was abused by both of his parental units with the mother taking the lead role. She also told the father how to "punish" him. Nighmare doesn't even begin.......


this sounds truly horrific - first for him to have had to endure, and then for you to have to know also...

Originally Posted By: Trish4850
There are definitely some people who can and do come through it with many abilities intact. To the outside world, they have the ability to flurish and thrive. Then there are those of us who get close to them. Only then do the breaks in the glass become obvious.


i do see now how true that can be -

indy


_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#141079 - 02/11/07 01:45 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: indygal]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
more:

i just want to thank all the survivors again, especially, for your comments - until i made this post i had always avoided the survivor stories on the male forum which involved stories of mother-son incest or sisters or actually women in general. i just couldn't imagine it or consider the possibility until it was literally said to me in such a way as it was.

your courage and fortitude always shines thru, guys, i know i can't speak for all the ladies here but i for one think you all are absolutely incredible - you help each other so much and you also help those who haven't yet made their way here by helping us partners who are trying to reach through to them.

bless you all...
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#141088 - 02/11/07 09:02 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: indygal]
compassion Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/07/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Illinois, US
Thanks for your clarification...I didn't want to respond until I knew what you were trying to say. If I hear you correctly, you are concerned that sexual abuse from mother to son would be much worse and far more damaging than abuse by another female or another in general...correct? My partner was mainly abused by his grandfather (who also abused his mother), but he has some memories of abuse by his mother also. I asked him to read your post and add any insight. We both agreed that there is no better or worse. I had a couple triggers reading your post (and this is not necessarily a bad thing): 1)My guess is this is just a language choice, but it reminded me when I told my sister years later that I was raped in college and she said..."Was it a bad rape?"....hmmmmm. It isn't judgement...in my mind I thought...."is there a good rape?"...in her mind, I am sure...she was thinking...there is a bad rape and a worse rape. I also think we have nervous chatter around uncomfortable topics. We have worked it out, but it is why I look at language so closely. 2)Since my partner was abused by his Mom I felt he was now in a "more dysfunctional" category. He was abused by his mother, but his level of function/dysfunction is not affected specifically by the age, sex or relationship of his abuser. He finds the abuse by his Mom more difficult because of social views on female to male abuse...much to learn here. I opened the door for him to join the group discussion and if he feels comfortable in answering more I will certainly let you know or he will. My partner is really doing well working through it all so have hope and embrace your own fears and feelings...that is what we are asking them to do.

Hope we are understanding each other...

_________________________
The ocean that flows in you; flows in me...all colors of humanity.

My "avatar" is a lotus...a beautiful flower that thrives in muddy water.

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#141105 - 02/11/07 11:36 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: compassion]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Compassion, I will keep this brief on mother/son incest. This is the person who brought you into this world. She is supposed to protect, nuture, etc. This is the person we cried out for when we were hurt, sick, etc. When this bond of trust is broken, the abilty to trust anything in this world is extremely difficult. I know, I was and AM there.


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#141107 - 02/11/07 12:00 PM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: Rambler]
compassion Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/07/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Illinois, US
Thanks, Rambler...I think my partner would echo those feelings as well. I am certainly not saying it doesn't have it's unique issues to have your abuser be your Mom. This is part of the social view I was referring to...mother's are seen as our first nurturers, women aren't "capable" of abuse like men (which is crap),etc. I am in agreement and my partner DOES feel especially violated because he was abused by his Mom...certainly shatters your trust to a larger degree because of their role in your life. I got a little hung up with some language, but my intent is to acknowledge the unique pain/betrayal of mother/son incest while offering hope that it shares the same process for recovery as other forms of abuse. He works every day to trust me and I work every day to be trusted. I will have to look at why this was a trigger (I don't consider triggers bad...just flashing lights)for me, also.

_________________________
The ocean that flows in you; flows in me...all colors of humanity.

My "avatar" is a lotus...a beautiful flower that thrives in muddy water.

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#141351 - 02/13/07 03:24 AM Re: f vs m abusers how does it effect survivors? [Re: compassion]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
To back up Rambler there: that link to Menweb, that site (as you know) was created by a guy who was abused by his mother and has since healed and is now very happy and fulfilled. I know this because we talked via email. You can email him too, he's over the howle survivor scene, but I'm sure he'd be happy to help in what ways he can (in addition to his story on the site).

A few other tired and probably over-recommended (by me) resources are:

Antwone Fisher
A Child Called IT, et al by Pelzer
http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/crime/article2251371.ece
http://www.fathermag.com/news/rape/
http://www.menweb.org/panosumm.htm

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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