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#139250 - 01/27/07 02:49 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: AshSurvived]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
My relationship with my dysfunctional family is not hostile, they simply figured "only other parents let their kids get molested, not mine".

They are not "bad" parents, they were simply too hung up with their own petty problems to keeps this shit from happening to me. That, and they simply lacked the knowledge of how to prevent it. But it still PISSES ME OFF since they were otherwise very bright and educated adults. My Mom was busy learning microbiology at college when she should have fucking taken parenting classes. Not to mention my Dad shouldn't have married her in the FIRST fucking place.


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#139290 - 01/27/07 07:51 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: AshSurvived]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think there has to be a balance,betwen primary guilt and secondary guilt, maybe your parents sucked but we all know kids who had good parents got groomed in the same as you right? to me there are three kinds of guilt with abuse ,primary ,the abuser, secondary the ones who should have protected us and self guilt ,i think if you dont figure out the first two ,then you accept the third . what it comes down to for me is intent ,your parents didnt set out to get you molested that was not their intent , your 12 year old brother didnt intend to fuck up your life when he laughed at you, your abuser was intent on molesting you he groomed you ,got you to like him ,trust him and then he molested you repeatedly ,he intended to satisfy his sick desire and didnt care what happened to the little boy inside that body ,to him you existed for his pleasure only. blame them all but hate him dude .i dont think your parents deserve the same anger that your perp does.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#139596 - 01/30/07 11:04 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: shadowkid]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hauser,

I'm inclined to agree with Leosha on this one, and also the statement Adam made when he said when you run out of people to blame, what then?

I think at some point we need to be able to be able to get to the place where we realize there is nothing we can do about what happened in the past, and that we can only make a difference in what happens from this moment on.

That sounds like high and mighty talk, I know, but please believe me when I say I have my own struggles with the same bitterness of which you speak so this is as much for myself as it is for anyone else who reads it, perhaps more so. At least at this point in my life I have begun to intellectually understand the concept. Now if I can get my emotions to agree with my intellect more often, I'll have it made, yes?

I wish you the best as you struggle with these things, Hauser.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#140261 - 02/04/07 05:47 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: WalkingSouth]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Well it's up to you to sort it out for yourself obviously Hauser. If you're that angry with them and you still insist they weren't bad parents, I don't think the board is much use on the topic, it's something you need to talk to a shrink about. Sounds to me you'd rather blame yourself than them.

I was basically saying take a side and play it through, if only to get it out of your system, I don't see the value in sustaining internal conflict. To me it's dishonest; either say they were great and love them to bits or get mad and give them a gutfull. If the middle way is to sustain contradiction and frustration in yourself it's self-abuse, been there, not worth it.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#140280 - 02/04/07 09:42 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: AshSurvived]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Hauser - serious question. Hindsight is always 20/20, but at the time did you do or say anything that would've tipped your parents off that something was wrong? We all know that when a kid is abused, there are signs - sometimes; but we can't assume this is something parents should "just know" is happening. After my abuse, my father got into my business so much over my worsening grades and everything else in my life it was incredibly aggrevating - but I never once let it slip. He did everything right, it didn't matter. He still doesn't know.

I'm not so sure about your brother, either. You said he was 12. Despite what 12-year-olds themselves may think, they're STILL little kids. I believe he couldn't fairly be expected to know how to deal with learning his brother was molested any better than you could be expected to know how to deal with actually being molested. How is a child, any child, supposed to process something like that? He was a "big brother", and supposed to be protective and supportive in your eyes at that time - but, he was still a child.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#140281 - 02/04/07 09:50 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: melliferal]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
My parents knew there was "something wrong," and they suspected abuse, but I never said anything about it so they didn't know what to do. This was in the 80's when there were no resources to help parents figure out if their kids were assaulted.

They weren't the greatest parents and I have my issues with them, but I don't blame them for my abuse. My parents are good people and I know that they would never willingly put me in an abusive situation. They were as betrayed by my perp (he was a close family friend) as I was.

That said, they have not played a significant role in my recovery. This is because I have needed to distance myself from them in order to get my head straight on their role. It took a long time to do that, but I think that I am better for it by taking the time away from them.

Hauser, I think Ash is right. A therapist can help you with the issues you have with your folks. I know that without help, I would probably still hate my parents.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#140283 - 02/04/07 10:02 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: melliferal]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Hauser,

Iím not going to get into where any blame lies and whether you should or shouldnít feel the anger you do. That horse has already bolted. You do feel that anger and to deny that at this stage is a mute point. To keep it in and not release it is not healthy.

As has been suggested, you may decide to discuss this with a therapist Ė your choice. You may also decide to go with your plan and confront you brother and tell him exactly how you feel, how youíve felt all these years and how itís affected you Ė again, you choice. Can I suggest a stop-gap measure in-between your direct confrontation? Try writing a letter saying exactly what you intend to say to your brother; word for word. Let it all out. Rehearse it. Make sure you donít miss anything out.

Think of it this way, if and when you do confront him, you donít want to forget anything in the heat of the moment do you? Think of this as the dress rehearsal.

You may just find that in writing the letter it could be the release you need and the actual confrontation may not be needed after all. If you still feel itís needed, well itís your life and your choice, but Hauser once you confront your brother and say what you say, whatever happens as a result of that canít be reversed. You canít undo that. This approach at least gives you a bit a breathing space and a little more time out.


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#140305 - 02/04/07 03:34 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Grunty1967b]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you guys. I've decided not to do anything major until I've had a few sessions with my T.


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