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#140015 - 02/02/07 10:23 AM Re: Why doesn't he want a family [Re: weepywife]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Therapy can be a very bumpy ride. Just be supportive and let him know that your in it for the long haul, and that you're not expecting any quick fixes. I'm glad he went.


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#140060 - 02/02/07 04:23 PM Re: Why doesn't he want a family [Re: Hauser]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I havent read the full thread, but I would not have children unless I was totally happy with my partner being able to look after them, its just in me to think that way.

Adopting could be beneficial, especially if he could work with some of the problem kids, with his own experience, he could change some of those kids around in life.

I am far too protective to trust, thats just me,

ste


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#140075 - 02/02/07 07:50 PM Re: Why doesn't he want a family [Re: weepywife]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Weepywife,


just want to send you support, I remember when my bf hardly talked to me at all and never really seemed comfortable round me. It's so hard. You've been very strong, and patient. It can be so difficult to understand how to communicate when you know so little about what's going on for your partner. And all that, whilst you have your own worries about having children/the future. That's very hard, cause I can tell you're really ready for a family life. But it's very good news he went to see someone after you brought the whole thing up. That's a huge positive. I'm sure it would be a great relief for you to know if he'll go again......

It's probably safe to say try not to be too nervous or careful around him/about it. He may think any number of things; like you might be uncomfortable, he might feel embarrassed, he might not want to upset you etc........ I hope that makes sense?

And keep being honest about your own feelings. Don't walk on eggshells. You are very strong....


peace
Beccy


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#140104 - 02/02/07 10:31 PM Re: Why doesn't he want a family [Re: beccy]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
ww - this is good news not just about your husband, but your marriage \:\)

remember to keep those communication lines open, gently but firmly. many hugs sent your way - !

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#140107 - 02/02/07 11:13 PM Re: Why doesn't he want a family [Re: indygal]
Mark Antony Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/03/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Michigan
Hi WW
I just want to say you folks are on the right track. I will be hard, he will likely be more withdraw after T sessions. He may even throw up after. Remember this is the road to healing. It will be tough. He is scared to death the cat is out of the bag and what will people think. The one thing you can do is remember it is his pain, his healing, and his choice what he tells you. There are could be many reasons he is not telling you things. It could be too painful for him or maybe he just does not know what he feels. Whatever he does it is not you fault, you are "just" one of the casualties. He has much to figure out, but he has already figured out he wants to spend the rest of his life with you as he married you. Keep your chin up and when he is ready to talk listen. He may never tell all but it may not be necessary. Be there for him when he needs you. Be his soft landing strip. He will love you all the more for being there for him.

Mark Antony


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#140201 - 02/03/07 05:28 PM Re: Why doesn't he want a family [Re: weepywife]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
WW, my husband has gone to therapy 2 times and after each time I have phoned the office to say I need to check an appt date for (my husband's name) and they tell me and so far he has had a future one, so I relax a little.

My guess is that your husband, between appts, will be processing things. My husband and I go to the same therapist, though separately, and she does the CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, it is a slow process, she lets the patient do the leading as to what to talk about, but it is effective. In between appts your mind processes things and you come up with more answers on your own, and also some questions to ask the T next time.

My husband has not gotten "down to business" about his abuse issues with the T yet. It's mainly been just marriage stuff, stuff common to all couples, so I am sure the hard work still lies ahead.

Remember he loves you and maybe talking about the abuse makes him feel disgusted with himself (even though none of it was his fault-he may know this intellectually but emotionally it is still hard to accept), so it is ok if he doesn't tell you much. I expect it will take a long time to get better. I have heard that things "can" get worse before they get better - predominantly that he starts to let out feelings, like anger, like sadness, sort of purging himself of all sorts of surpressed emotions. I am also wondering what his recovery will "look" like. I also am a little fearful of what is in store. I am mainly concerned that he not run away from therapy, but it is so important that he stick to it, or if he takes a break, that he goes back again.

I wish there were a timeline that everyone followed. I think since everyone is different and perhaps they process things at different rates, it's hard to say.

As for having children, my heart goes out to you...we have the only one we'll be able to have because of my age, and so far she's been , I believe, the biggest reminder of his abuse, he became quite distant from me, and I think she reminded him that HE as a little one was also fragile and sweet and innocent when it happened. But also our child is a big motivator for him to face it and heal, so we can continue being a family together rather than us being roommates.

The reason why your husband needs to heal this is because you have normal human needs (not wants) that he cannot meet right now because of his abuse issues. A wife cannot go forever without emotional closeness. In the long run his recovery will be the best thing that happened to your marriage and to him. But it is work and he has to be the one to do it. So our jobs seem to be to motivate and inspire and encourage, and be patient and gentle. You should be very proud of him for going to the T. It is a very brave thing for him, a hugely brave thing.

WW we are in the same boat in many ways.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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