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#139628 - 01/30/07 08:47 PM Re: How do you know? [Re: Mark Antony]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Originally Posted By: Mark Antony
The unstable sexual attraction comes from being arrested in development. You are like a teenager who is still experiencing
all the turmoil of adolescence. As healing occurs your sexuality will become stable and the answer will be clear. You stated that you for now have chosen the heterosexual life style if this is through a marriage commitment this is not a for now deal. Marriage is for a lifetime. Remember the until death do us part line in the vows. If you are not married then this most defiantly needs to be resolved before marriage.


Mark Antony,

I agree with you regarding what you say about marriage being a "till death do us part". That is my commitment and the commitment of many of the rest of the men here who find themselves similarly effected.

Sure, there are those who don't see it that way, and take a more "for now" attitude regarding their commitments, but that is a problem with all humanity, not an issue relegated to SA survivors.

Thanks for posting your comment. Food for thought.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#139868 - 02/01/07 10:54 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I know ALL ABOUT sexual confusion. After I was abused at 9 I still wasn't sexually interested in anything, until I was around 12 years old, and the hormones started kicking in, then the confusion started. Actually, I was strictly looking at the other boys, when all the boys were only talking about girls. THAT'S where the confusion was. So, that left me to be alone, to this day.


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#140106 - 02/02/07 11:08 PM Re: How do you know? [Re: Ivanhoe]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Thanks for your wise words Ivanhoe. I hope others of you have gained some respite from what Ivanhoe has said. While I'm not gay and I am past the sexual identity struggle, for me it was dominant women and Bondage. But when I acted on the urges, what seemed 'natural' I had massive flashbacks and that is what finally triggered me to seek help and to realise the 'orientation' was a side effect of the abuse, not the defining factor in my identity.

I hope others of you who are just starting out in healing take comfort from this also. You may need to be 'yourself' in order to realise it's not really you, it's no good hiding behind social conventions such as marriage vows or other contractual arrangements, they won't solve your crises and they won't heal the past.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#140133 - 02/03/07 11:12 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: AshSurvived]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
That's such a good way of putting it Ash,


I know I'm not a man, and I haven't had identity issues, but I've definately had sexual issues and relate to what you say there. I definately don't think the sexual fantasies/fetishes define a person's actual identity, although it does seem that some people can end up spending a great deal of time immersing themselves living out those fantasies. If that makes any sense.......


peace
Beccy


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#140135 - 02/03/07 11:29 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: AshSurvived]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!It was encouraging to hear your stories about sexual identity confusion. For years I had lived in a dichotomist world! I'll explain. When my sexual abuse started at 4/5 years of age by my male and female cousins, it flipped a "sexual apetite" that was unleashed and gender blind on the world. I reported my abuse to my parents who punished, spanked, whipped and threatened me. No help there, I just gave in to the "sexual apetite". I had sex with kids my age both male/female (about 40-50+ during prepub. years) and forged on. Intermitantly I was raped by older teens, etc. My parent's caught me having sex with a same age female family friend (13 yr. old). They made such "a thing" out of it, they made me vow NEVER to do this again. I had no problems agreeing not having heterosexual relationships because I still had homosexual opportunities. From 13 through 20/21 I was exclusively homosexual (about 7 regulars and 50 day-to-days) never touched a girl [honored my vow]. I met a beautiful, lovely girl at 22, dated, broke my vow and married her (now it's been 37 yrs). I still had bi-sexual urges that were not under my control...so for about 6 years of our marriage I had a gorgeous hung bf at grad school and a wife and daughter back home. My wife caught on and gave me an ultimatum to choose! Then like Phoster, I realized my vows one way or the other. I chose to remain married and have really enjoyed that choice then to the present! Do I still get bi-feelings? Yes I do! But know that if I get married, I've made my choice and keep a vow.

Sorry for the long discourse but I wanted to share in a messed up "sex uncontrolled" life, exclusive (!!) homosexual orgy; a bisexual best of both worlds and a final choice lasting 37 years, 3 children, 1 grandson. How do you know? Sometimes you choose your path and accept it as right for you.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#140499 - 02/06/07 09:02 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: Ivanhoe]
jj2000 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 6
All I can say is that I'm attracted to men,and I don't want to be. I have had experiences a few times with men and women, more men; but when I'm with a man I feel disgusting for days later, when I'm with a woman it's just sexual satisfaction,I have only been with two woman and I am so confused because I'm not attracted to them.


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#140502 - 02/06/07 09:07 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: jj2000]
jj2000 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 6
At least when I'm with women I don't feel disgusting. can anyone clarify that for me?


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#140503 - 02/06/07 09:10 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: jj2000]
jj2000 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 6
I'm a little nervous doing this so please be patient with me. I just don't understand myself.


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#140504 - 02/06/07 09:12 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: jj2000]
jj2000 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 6
I wonder If it stems from my abuse.


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#140506 - 02/06/07 09:15 AM Re: How do you know? [Re: jj2000]
jj2000 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 6
Is anyone there please?


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