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#140134 - 02/03/07 11:22 AM Attachment
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Why is it that every time I am accepted by somebody (male) I get so easliy attached to him. Nothing sexual though. I will literally do anything for that person.

It is starting to happen again with a very good friend I have and the other issue is that it is as if I can't accept that anybody actually likes me and looks up to me. It is as if it is tapping all my energy and I feel a bit depressed - with the acceptance as the trigger.

Will I ever get to a point where I will realize that other people thiks I am a really nice person??

The last time I went through this I started cutting because it was as if I were not able to cope with it.

PLEASE HELP!!

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#140139 - 02/03/07 11:51 AM Re: Attachment [Re: pietie]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
pietie,

Are you sure your name isn't froggy? I know exactly what you are feeling, thinking and wondering. "Why does this person like me? Just for me being me? You got to be kidding. Has to be more than that etc."

I find it difficult to accept the fact I am a worthwhile being. I am accepted for what I am, not what I should be. It's all part of the abused victim's self image (less than). Therapy is good, talking with others such as here reveals you/me/us are not alone. Eventually acceptance will be here and we won't know it since it doesn't issue a PR release. We suddenly realize it. The wait is worth it.

froggy

_________________________
??

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#140148 - 02/03/07 12:55 PM Re: Attachment [Re: pietie]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Pietie,

I know exactly what you mean. I have done the same for as long as I can remember. The thrill I feel when a new "friend" enters my life is wonderful, but I soon try to lean on that friend for every scrap of validation I can get, and that creates problems.

No, you aren't alone.


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#140211 - 02/03/07 06:54 PM Re: Attachment [Re: Dewey2k]
TheChildeRoland Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/30/07
Posts: 7
Ditto. It's pretty sick. I'm actually fairly charismatic on the surface. I do the same thing - meet people and somehow convince them I am the greatest thing alive - and once I have the superficial (in my mind at least) approval of one "friend" or group of friends, I move on. Because once someone really likes me for who I am, I think they are either full of shit or not worthy of respect.
You can charm people, in the short term, by making them feel they are the center of your universe (which, for us, they are). It's short-lived as we've all found out.


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#140221 - 02/03/07 07:47 PM Re: Attachment [Re: TheChildeRoland]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
pietie,

Yup, me too! And I have no clue as to what the answer is. I have this one friend who is a survivor and he won't let me get by with that sort of thinking, that I am no good and not worthy of his friendship. And I won't let him get by with it either. He just keeps coming around, not in a pushy sort of way but he just lets me know that I am worthy and sometimes he gives me hugs that leave me feeling like a little boy getting the hugs I never did. However, with other friends I still face the same old crap.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#140226 - 02/03/07 09:18 PM Re: Attachment [Re: Derdlecar]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
I usually find a way to make new friends very upset with me. I do it a lot.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#140228 - 02/03/07 09:25 PM Re: Attachment [Re: Nobbynobs]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
You question their friendship. Your self-esteem must be interesting. Hmm

froggy

_________________________
??

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#140276 - 02/04/07 09:08 AM Re: Attachment [Re: froggy12]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Why can't we simply realize that we are nice people?

I am in a job where I see between 4 and 6 people per day. We are in the service industry and people seem to like me from day 1. A lot of new clients are referred to me directly - not to the company but to me. I know that the people I assist like me and some of them tells me so. They do not get anything out of the compliments so i guess it is not fake. And well, if 10 people tell you that then perhaps it should be true.

How do I however get over the pitfall of believing them. How many times must I hear it and go "Yea Right!!!!!"

Back to my original problem.

I think that sometimes because we grow so attached we in that open ourselves up for getting hurt. I have friends through my life that till tis day remain my friends even although they know my history. I am just so afraid of being rejected again - a lot of rejection caused by my own reactions and feelings of not being good enough.

That is another question, how is it possible to have such good relationships with certain people (men) and not be sexually attracted to them? Some attractions seem to be on different levels than sexual.

Thanx for all the advice. Sometimes the MS website feekls like the best therapy one can get because everybody understands.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#140289 - 02/04/07 12:17 PM Re: Attachment [Re: pietie]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
These are good points and good thought Pietie. I think survivors had boundaries violated long ago. So we still aren't sure where they should be. We might still think people can only like us if we give them sex. We aren't sure if "attraction" is approptiate, even if it is not sexual.

Even though the core of friendship is indeed an attraction to someone ... to the things they like to do, the things they like to talk about, their background, the things the feel, etc.... it's hard for us to put all that in the right context. I wish I knew how men who weren't survivors thought or felt about it... or if they think about it at all.

Keith


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#140292 - 02/04/07 12:47 PM Re: Attachment [Re: KeithR]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
Hi Pietie

Its a normal reaction to distrust what people say against you. If you trust them you can get hurt again, because in most cases we were betrayed by people we trusted. So if we don't trust anyone the chance of getting hurt again becomes lesser.
But as you probably already know, not trusting anyone, isn't a healthy response to live happily afterwards. It just keeps you alive, nothing more, nothing less. And to the question how to solve the trusting-problem, I really don't know.

On your question why we can have so good relationships with people, without being sexually attracted, i would think its because we sepperated those two things. Sex can be related too much to the hurt most of us still feel. And thats why we don't want to give up those friendships for "friendship and sex", because the chance getting hurt again grows.

I hope I make a little sense. Its not that easy to write what I think about it.

John


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#140370 - 02/05/07 08:15 AM Re: Attachment [Re: john22]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I know the feeling as well. I have recently wondered how much it has to do with the fact that we never got the chance to decide when we ready to have our first sexual experience, someone else decided for us.

Pietie, do you find yourself terrified that your attachment might eventually reject you? In these situations, I always found myself getting clingy with the individual because I was constantly trying to reinforce my belief in the friendship. I would feverishly ananlyze body language looking for any clues that would give me insight, and thus some extra "control" over the outcome.

Drives us crazy doesn't it? In my case, what helped was to refuse to observe or participate in any kind of body language, which helped keep me from getting triggered, but that's just me.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#140475 - 02/06/07 01:46 AM Re: Attachment [Re: cbfull]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
I do feel myself terrified that the person will reject me. I therefore usually try to sabotage the whole friendship myself. I will look for anything in a conversation that might imply that "I am not good enough anymore". The truth is : Reject him before he can reject me.

The clingy part I understand as well. It is as if I want to get to know the person as well or better than I know myself. Where you are looking at body language I am listening for a sentence that might imply the person is getting tired of me. Worst of all is that because you are looking for something you usually take it totally out of perspective. Example : My new friend might say something like : "My wife said I must play with my children more". I will attract this and believe that it is a hint that we are now spending to much time together - even if we see each other once or twice a week. Obviously this wasn't aimed at me at all!!!

Unfortunately I must say that I am now going through the same thing AGAIN. With a friend that only has the intention of helping me through a difficult period. One other observation is that I told him about my past. Sometimes when I tell somebody about what happened to me it is as if I want to reject myself from the friendship because now he must be ashamed to be associated with me - even though he is not. We are prayer buddies and he keeps reassuring me that he wants to stand with me in prayer through this difficult time.

Must agree that it drives me crazy!

This got a bit longer than I anticipated.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#140493 - 02/06/07 08:07 AM Re: Attachment [Re: pietie]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Late night in front of the computer? Even though our situations are somewhat different, it is clear that the underlying issues are basically the same. At any rate, it is far more fear and pain than any of us deserve.

It doesn't surprise me that you would want to reject him "before he rejects you", it sounds like you are hoping for that "illusion of control". The word "illusion" refers to the fact that you are trying to control something that you don't really have any control over, which is how someone else feels.

A little affirmation I used to post around my apartment helped me (don't laugh, they really help!):

"No amount of thinking or feeling can change how someone else feels"

That one really helped me to realize a big chunk of misdirected energy. I don't know if that sort of thing can be of use to you, but it's worth mentioning.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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