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#140370 - 02/05/07 08:15 AM Re: Attachment [Re: john22]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I know the feeling as well. I have recently wondered how much it has to do with the fact that we never got the chance to decide when we ready to have our first sexual experience, someone else decided for us.

Pietie, do you find yourself terrified that your attachment might eventually reject you? In these situations, I always found myself getting clingy with the individual because I was constantly trying to reinforce my belief in the friendship. I would feverishly ananlyze body language looking for any clues that would give me insight, and thus some extra "control" over the outcome.

Drives us crazy doesn't it? In my case, what helped was to refuse to observe or participate in any kind of body language, which helped keep me from getting triggered, but that's just me.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#140475 - 02/06/07 01:46 AM Re: Attachment [Re: cbfull]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
I do feel myself terrified that the person will reject me. I therefore usually try to sabotage the whole friendship myself. I will look for anything in a conversation that might imply that "I am not good enough anymore". The truth is : Reject him before he can reject me.

The clingy part I understand as well. It is as if I want to get to know the person as well or better than I know myself. Where you are looking at body language I am listening for a sentence that might imply the person is getting tired of me. Worst of all is that because you are looking for something you usually take it totally out of perspective. Example : My new friend might say something like : "My wife said I must play with my children more". I will attract this and believe that it is a hint that we are now spending to much time together - even if we see each other once or twice a week. Obviously this wasn't aimed at me at all!!!

Unfortunately I must say that I am now going through the same thing AGAIN. With a friend that only has the intention of helping me through a difficult period. One other observation is that I told him about my past. Sometimes when I tell somebody about what happened to me it is as if I want to reject myself from the friendship because now he must be ashamed to be associated with me - even though he is not. We are prayer buddies and he keeps reassuring me that he wants to stand with me in prayer through this difficult time.

Must agree that it drives me crazy!

This got a bit longer than I anticipated.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#140493 - 02/06/07 08:07 AM Re: Attachment [Re: pietie]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Late night in front of the computer? Even though our situations are somewhat different, it is clear that the underlying issues are basically the same. At any rate, it is far more fear and pain than any of us deserve.

It doesn't surprise me that you would want to reject him "before he rejects you", it sounds like you are hoping for that "illusion of control". The word "illusion" refers to the fact that you are trying to control something that you don't really have any control over, which is how someone else feels.

A little affirmation I used to post around my apartment helped me (don't laugh, they really help!):

"No amount of thinking or feeling can change how someone else feels"

That one really helped me to realize a big chunk of misdirected energy. I don't know if that sort of thing can be of use to you, but it's worth mentioning.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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