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#139952 - 02/01/07 10:03 PM A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! )
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium
Well I have to tell it once, maybe today is a good day.

I just tell about the first sexual abuse, the other significant one is still too sensitive, I'm still uncertain how I would say the other stuff, so I don't. For now.

I had a happy life, till I was placed at 10 in a juvenile institute for boys from 12-18year by a juvenile-court. I was accepted there because the judge thought it would be best if I could stay with my two older brothers. He said it was for 3 months, but I stayed there till I was 15 years old. So it was 5 years. The reason for being put there was mostly because the judge didn't thought my mother was competent to take care of all 3 of us anymore.
I was raised without any sexual education, my parent(s) is(were)very religious people. I came in that "home" as an angle not aware of everything that could harm me. Just a smart kid for my age, but not smart enough to know how older boys could think or act.
I don't really know when it happened for the first time, but I think it was some months after I get in there. Some older boy (14) "seduced" me in playing a sex game, didn't knew what was going on, I just knew I would get marbles afterwards, and I liked toys because I didn't got them at my mothers place that often. First he just showed himself naked, and through some time it occurred he sucked me a little so I would be in the "mood". Don't remember when he penetrated me for the first time, but I know he didn't stop before I was 13 or 14, I think. And that was because he transferred to some other place, don't know anything after that about him.
I don't remember everything about that period. What I do remember about it, is that in the beginning the "play" was in his room. (we all had separated rooms), but later it was mostly at my room. Once I remember it was in a shower. I was always afraid it would come out, because I didn't really knew it was abuse at that time. I just was afraid, because people called me gay to hurt me, even if I wasn't. But if it came out, it would be taken as evidence. My life there would became a total disaster if it would have come out then. So because it had to stay a secret, the older boy could act every way he wanted.
I never told it to the keepers there, I wished I would said it then, but I didn't.

That’s the first part, I will see if I ever tell the second part.


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#139968 - 02/01/07 11:19 PM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: john22]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello, John,

I'm glad you felt the strength to post this aspect of your story because I believe that each time we verbalize it that it begins to loose more and more of its control over us. Don't feel like you have to tell all of your story unless that's something you want to do and feel comfortable doing it. Personally, I don't think the details of our stories are as important as the impact it has on us is. So talk about what you want, when you want. And I'm sorry for what you had to endure. You are truly a strong survivor.

_________________________
Eddie

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#139979 - 02/02/07 12:21 AM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: EGL]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi John,

Welcome to Male Survivor! I'm glad that you are here!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#140006 - 02/02/07 09:24 AM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: Brian]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Hi John

Very good that you were able to post your story.
I agree whit egl, that you don't necesarilly have to post everything. Unless you want to.
This is a huge first step I think.

I'm sorry that even though the judges might have wanted the best for you and your brothers, it turned out so very badly...
It's sad that not every place they bring kids too, for their own safety, are safe.

I had a simillar experience in fostercare, when my mother died and my father needed 7 months of rehabilitation. Except it was the father of the family. And it was something that I was used to already anyway.

It would have been better if you'd told the keepers, but remember that you were only a little kid. It wasn't your fault. Even though you might already know that, I wanted to say it anyway.

Take your time, do things at your own pace... Don't rush.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#140029 - 02/02/07 12:03 PM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: Stefan012]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium
yeah stefan you're right, i know it wasn't my fault.
And I have to thank you for saying I should write that stuff about dad, thats why I wrote this too.

john22


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#140425 - 02/05/07 07:42 PM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: john22]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
great. \:\)

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#140714 - 02/08/07 03:09 AM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: Stefan012]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium





Edited by john22 (07/10/11 09:24 AM)
Edit Reason: feelling too insecure

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#140717 - 02/08/07 03:23 AM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: john22]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
John

Its always good to get it out. Just remember that we are all here to support you. My heart goes out to you and your situation.

Don't push yourself for the rest. You will tell it when you are ready.

Stay Strong Bro!

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#366271 - 07/20/11 09:03 AM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: john22]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium
Second part
(written on 8 February 2007)
(rewritten at 20 July 2011)

When I was 15 years old, I got thrown out of the home for 12-18 year old boys, something to do with being aggressive, leading the group to revolt against the care-takers and not being willing to change my behaviour. But instead of getting to another more restrained home (for a cooling off period), I got back home. It had something to do with my good results at school, the fact I would have lost a year if they shipped me to the other home and of course a good attorney.

I came back living home, just together with my mom. Everything went surprisingly well. School, living home, friends,… everything went just fine. It looked like I had forgotten anything related to the sexual abuse from a few years back. And I just lived my life as any guy my age did.
(I so wish now it would just have stayed that way, but no it had to change; life had to turn ugly again.)

So not so long after returning home there was some festival in my neighbourhood. I saw some guys playing chess, and I always liked playing that game. I even thought I could defeat them; I hadn’t lost any game for a long time. But playing to amateurs or playing against professionals is a big difference. I lost all the games. I didn’t like that much, but instead of choosing something else to do, I decided I wanted to improve in the game and so I became a member of that club.

In the first weeks/months everything went well there. I befriended a lot of the players there. One of them would become my second abuser. He took a special interest in me (I see now); probably he saw that I was vulnerable. I always came on my own there. I didn’t bring friends or family. I was ashamed of my mom, because she was (and still is) mentally unstable (now lesser then at that time). And I never went back home before it was 1 o’clock, sometimes even later.
And who is vulnerable? The new kid, without to much connections without parental supervise. Because which parent would allow a 15 year old to stay out for so long?

At some time he asked me if I would like to go on a trip with him to France to some amusement park. But he was smart enough not to go on his own and me, which would be seen as strange. So he went with his nephew (the same age as me then) and his two daughters.

Of course I wanted to go. I never went abroad before. And I loved amusement parks. Who wouldn’t want to go at my age? I just had to convince my mother and it worked. I got mom’s permission. So we went. It was fun, being abroad, nice weather, “good” company. What more could I have wished for. But something changed later that evening. Out of nowhere life became uglier again.

He had asked me what I wanted to drink, and he knew I would choose alcohol. He had seen me drinking before at the chess club. He offered me strong drinks (like vodka, whiskey and rum) And as expected (for him) I got drunk. I blacked out and I guess I fell asleep.

The next morning I had an itch “down there”. I had the itch all day, and I just didn’t knew what was going on. At the evening I saw in the mirror he had shaved half of my pubic hair. I heard later that evening that he had made pictures of it, while his nephew was shaving me. I felt so ashamed. And I was angry, but because the rest of the trip went fine and nothing strange happened anymore, my anger subsided. But my thoughts were every moment by those alleged pictures of me. Later he said there weren’t photos; it was just a joke. I still didn’t know what to think about it. Did they exist or not?

But as all good “groomers” he won my trust back. I thought then, that he had done it when he was drunk, so then he couldn’t be responsible for that action. And he wouldn’t do it a next time. So I didn’t had a reason not to trust him anymore.

He played his role very good. Because I don’t know when I told him of my first abuse, but I know I told him at some point. I just had to trust someone; I couldn’t bare that secret alone anymore, at that point. It became the biggest mistake in my life. But I can’t rewind time.

Back at the club, there was the tradition to go out (have some drinks at some pubs). The idea was “after the effort of several hours of playing chess, there should be some recreation”. So I went along with it. It looked fun to hang out with my mates. I liked it that they saw me as one of them. We went with 5 or 6 and he was often the driver. Some went with their bikes. I always went as a passenger in his car so I wouldn’t have to walk back home. I mostly didn’t go back home before 2 am in the morning. This became just a routine. Play chess and go out afterwards.

Slowly things started to change, when everyone else went home and I got in his car, he went to some other pubs. More gay-ish, because he said maybe I would solve my past with it. I just went by it and went with him to those bars.

How everything went from there I don’t really remember clearly. I just remember some parts of some events. I know he took advantage of those situations when I was drunk, because then my mind isn’t that active anymore. And because I wasn’t really comfortable at these pubs, I drank more. So any resistance I could have would melt away with the next beers. I know he went with me to some “love-hotel” and he said I had to say “I was 18”. I wasn’t, but I was tall, and no-one would notice.

Side-events:
I knew that I was tall enough to look older then I was. This is why:
Once I went to a park, which was known of being a park for gay guys. At age 15 or 16y I met there an older man (I estimate him to have been 30-40y). We had sex in a motel. It didn’t found peace in meeting anonymous guys. I was just screwed up.
I even went back there. I know there was some secluded space there in that park. And I just exposed myself a bit, and at that time a much older man (+60y) asked me if I would expose myself more because he was interested and when I refused, he offered me money for it, but I still refused. And he went away.

Due to that event I thought I could maybe make money from using my body. I even tried once to sell myself for money, but the guy who followed me did get the idea I wasn’t really gay, and I didn’t really want to sell myself. And he really prevented me from being dragged down in that swamp. He just gave me some money, but the condition was I would go home. So in a way I’m grateful to that man. He saved me from drowning in that swamp of prostituting myself.


Back at the story
We always went back to the same gay-pub. The customers there were all older men. The youngest was about 40 I guess. The good part I felt there was that I felt admired. But that good feeling wouldn’t stay. Because it would always end in sex, with my abuser alone, or with him and someone else he met there. I always agreed with his propositions, I couldn’t seclude that bond I had with him.

I didn’t like my abuser, but I didn’t hate him either at that time. He gave attention to me, he loved me, in his own absurd way, but he loved me. And he showed it to me. My mother didn’t show her love for me, she only criticised me. And he was someone who was proud of me. He acknowledged my being as worthy.

The problem was due to his way of loving, My self-worth got lesser and lesser. And this meant my mom had more to criticise. And in that way he just strengthened his grasp on me. I couldn’t get out anymore. He just suffocated me, but as he had isolated me from any help, I had no real escape anymore. Or so I thought. I never thought I could just say “stop/no” and walk away. I just thought I had two choices left. I could end it literally, or I could stay with him, and make the best of it. These thoughts of ending it were more present then not. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t make my family and friends grieve over me. So I kept going on. I stayed in his grasp. I became someone with two faces. I even think I lost being able to be myself then. I couldn’t show my defeat. I had to be brave and get on with this fucked up life, and try to achieve something else on some other segment of my life. I got my degree of a bachelor in social work at that time. I was capable of achieving something huge, but at the same time I still was being crushed by the bond I couldn’t break.

I found this website and told parts of my story. I found some sort of brotherhood. I mostly felt understood and mostly wasn’t judged (there are always exceptions, but they got on ignore, lol). Through these years I found out some of the weaknesses of my thinking. I learned I could break the still existing bond. But the trust in my own capabilities only grew slowly. So did the trust in others. The difficult part was (and still is) that any growth I got here through months of work, could get reversed by just one negative experience. And it took a lot of courage and strength to try to get it back on the rails. And go further on this process of healing.

The years went by, with these ups and downs. But most of the time, even if I got stronger, the feelings of being worth lesser then others still existed. I felt different; I felt I had to keep this secret at all costs. When the secret would come out it would show my defeat. And I never would become one of the “normal” ones anymore. My friends would sever their ties with me, because they weren’t as weak as me. Or so I thought. Even if the chances of being cast out were slim, I wanted to be 100% sure before breaking that secret.

Things changed just a couple of weeks ago. I read a news article which mentioned my first abuser. And the rollercoaster started. I always wanted to be 100% sure before acting. That thinking is currently non-active. So a lot of decisions were made;

- I talked about my past with a good friend of me. And he doesn’t judge me. He is there as a support for me.
- I told my mother and my brother about the first abuser.
- I severed the bond with my second abuser. And at the same time I confronted him with his behaviour. And he recognised his faults in some way.

(My thanks to Bobcat to give me the strength to rewrite my story, after I deleted the second part because of my feelings of insecurity not so long ago)

It got a bit longer then expected. So thanks for reading it whole.

John


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#366489 - 07/24/11 11:41 AM Re: A start of my story ( !!! possible triggers !!! ) [Re: john22]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
John,

Don't thank me, buddy. YOU are the one who rewrite your story; YOU had the strength to do it.

I'm so proud of you, bro. Congratulations! smile

Your friend,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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