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#139941 - 02/01/07 08:57 PM my father died
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
First of all, i don't know where i should post it, so i post it inhere, hope its the right place.
And, before you ask, I didn't post my story (about csa) inhere, maybe I will someday.

I still live with my mother, I'm now 23y, but my mother and father didn't live together anymore for the past 10 years. I vistited him the last years once each 2 weeks (= avarage).

My father had lungcancer and throatcancer for 2-3 years now. I knew his death had to happen sometime, but didn't think it would be so soon, he was only 55 years old. Always thought he would live an other week for sure, but last wednesday (24 jan 07) it was over. I expected it one day, but still it was unexpected.

The problem I now have or feel, is that I don't have that much grief about it. Its just like I don't mind it that he's dead, and that isn't right. I lost someone very important to me and I can't cry about it. I feel ashamed about it. Its just like I can't feel grief anymore. I'm afraid I will be a stone for the rest of my life.


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#139944 - 02/01/07 09:24 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
John,

I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#139947 - 02/01/07 09:39 PM Re: my father died [Re: Trish4850]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
John, I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't be so hard on yourself about grieving/not grieving. People grieve in different ways. It may take a while for it to sink in. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#139948 - 02/01/07 09:41 PM Re: my father died [Re: Trish4850]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
thx Trish

And to correct the second sentence of this tread, I just posted some part of my csa-story, I was writing now, so I just did the other stuff also.


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#139969 - 02/01/07 11:24 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
John,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your father. As pointed out above, people grieve in such varied ways, and as abuse survivors our emotions are generally whacked out anyway. So give it time and just work through the process as it comes.

_________________________
Eddie

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#139970 - 02/01/07 11:24 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
(Sorry, double post)



Edited by EGL (02/01/07 11:25 PM)
_________________________
Eddie

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#140004 - 02/02/07 09:15 AM Re: my father died [Re: EGL]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
hi John

We talked in chat, but I want to say again that I'm sorry for your loss.

And I want to say again that it isn't abnormal or weird or wrong, the way you feel now.
Not everyone goes into hysterics, or cries.
Maybe this will come later. Maybe in a day or a month or a year.
I bet you're still in shock phase, at least somewhat.
I know that I was for at least two weeks, when my mother died when I was 14. It was really unexpected, in a carcrash.
But every death is at least somewhat unexpected I guess. Like you said, 'I was sure he would live another week at least'.
Again, everyone griefs in a different way.

The pain won't ever go away, but it will get less prominent in every day life, eventually you don't think about it the whole day, there will come days you don't think about it at all, the pain wil lose it's 'sharp edges'.
The loss will always be there, but it will become bearable.

Don't be to hard on yourself okey?

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#140017 - 02/02/07 10:28 AM Re: my father died [Re: Stefan012]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
John I'm so sorry. I don't know if you were close to him bet I bet he's proud of the man you've become. I don't cry either, except when I see animals suffer or die, weird huh? Even if he was NOT close to you, it's still a big impact to know that your father is no longer around.


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#140042 - 02/02/07 02:16 PM Re: my father died *DELETED* [Re: Hauser]
jacobtk Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
Post deleted by jacobtk

_________________________
Every day I die again, and again I’m reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you can’t defeat/Neither down nor out/There’s nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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#140058 - 02/02/07 04:12 PM Re: my father died [Re: jacobtk]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
John, grief is not easy for any survivor, my dad died in agony, and believe me it was a relief to see his pain end.
It made me hugely bitter against one brother who fucked up his life, and I still feel bitter.

You do need to realise that he is out of his hurt now, and you will be thinking of all the things you meant to say and do.
Its hard to grieve, it really is, but he will become your friend who loved you,

ste


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#140074 - 02/02/07 07:47 PM Re: my father died [Re: reality2k4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
sorry john


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#140108 - 02/02/07 11:19 PM Re: my father died [Re: reality2k4]
Mark Antony Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/03/07
Posts: 34
Loc: Michigan
John

With the situation being that your father had been ill and you knew he was going to die. You probably did your grieving before he actually passed. With chronic illness it is very common for someone to grieve an upcoming death. When the death occurs the grieving process is already complete and the survivor feels relief as the suffering is over. You are not abnormal you probably have completed the grieving process already.

Mark Antony


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#140132 - 02/03/07 10:52 AM Re: my father died [Re: Mark Antony]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Sorry everyone, Dutch lyrics. I'm to lazy to translate em atm. :-)

Zo fout als Marco Borsato ook is, dit liedje deed me toch wat:

Afscheid nemen bestaat niet
Ik ga wel weg maar verlaat je niet
Mijn lief, je moet me geloven
Al doet het pijn

Ik wil dat je me los laat
En dat je morgen weer verder gaat
Maar als je eenzaam of bang bent
Zal ik er zijn

Ik kom als de wind die je voelt en de regen
Volg wat je doet als het licht van de maan
Zoek me in alles dan kom je me tegen
Fluister mijn naam
En ik kom er aan

Zie wat onzichtbaar is
Wat je gelooft is waar
Open je ogen maar
En dan zal ik bij je zijn
Alles wat jij moet doen
Is mij op mijn woord geloven

Afscheid nemen bestaat niet

Ik kom als de wind die je voelt en de regen
Volg wat je doet als het licht van de maan
Zoek me in alles dan kom je me tegen
Fluister mijn naam
En ik kom er aan

Kijk in de lucht
Kijk naar de zee
Waar je ook zult lopen, ja, ik loop met je mee
Iedere stap en ieder moment
Waar je dan ook bent

Wat je ook doet
Waar je ook gaat
Wanneer je me nodig hebt
Fluister gewoon mijn naam
En ik kom eraan

Afscheid nemen bestaat niet

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#140244 - 02/03/07 11:47 PM Re: my father died [Re: Stefan012]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
thx for all your reactions.

Maybe you're right Mark Antony, but i still feel the need to grief, its still on the surface. I just can't, I think.

And of course Stefan its a nice song and Marco Borsato is not that wrong ;\)


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#140351 - 02/05/07 01:33 AM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hugs to you John. So sorry to hear of your loss.

Take good care of you and know we'll be here to care for and support you if you need.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#142179 - 02/18/07 11:31 AM Re: my father died [Re: reality2k4]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
how are you?

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#142180 - 02/18/07 11:35 AM Re: my father died [Re: Alexander]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
Sorry to hear of your loss.

-Philo


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#142194 - 02/18/07 12:20 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
John,

I'm sorry to hear about your father's death. The numbness of feeling at a time like this is pretty normal, I think, for a lot of people, survivors or not.

Prayers,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#142204 - 02/18/07 12:47 PM Re: my father died [Re: reality2k4]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
hi

Thx for the reply's.
Life just going as it always goes. I don't think to often at my loss. It will be hard at some special moments, like graduation, but I will see then how I should react on those emotions.

John22


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#142231 - 02/18/07 04:28 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
dillon Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/02/07
Posts: 55
Loc: california,san deigo
bro im sorry to here that..stuff happens sometimes its good and sometimes its bad.... but the good thing is that theres more good than bad

_________________________
watch this video

[url=link] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSWUYeNDwX0

New video!!

[url=link]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kroz7SmSLTw&mode=related&search=

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#142275 - 02/18/07 10:35 PM Re: my father died [Re: reality2k4]
Halibut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/06
Posts: 228
Loc: Alaska
John,

Know your Dad and you are in my prayers. Please be gentle to yourself, you're grieving as you can.

Hal


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#142328 - 02/19/07 12:23 PM Re: my father died [Re: dillon]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
John,

I am so sorry. Please keep well and know we are all

here for you during this time.

Peace to you - blessings -

Mark



Edited by markgreyblue (02/19/07 12:23 PM)
_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#142329 - 02/19/07 12:25 PM Re: my father died [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Just if you need to talk of anything

come to chat - or pm.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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