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#139941 - 02/01/07 08:57 PM my father died
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium
First of all, i don't know where i should post it, so i post it inhere, hope its the right place.
And, before you ask, I didn't post my story (about csa) inhere, maybe I will someday.

I still live with my mother, I'm now 23y, but my mother and father didn't live together anymore for the past 10 years. I vistited him the last years once each 2 weeks (= avarage).

My father had lungcancer and throatcancer for 2-3 years now. I knew his death had to happen sometime, but didn't think it would be so soon, he was only 55 years old. Always thought he would live an other week for sure, but last wednesday (24 jan 07) it was over. I expected it one day, but still it was unexpected.

The problem I now have or feel, is that I don't have that much grief about it. Its just like I don't mind it that he's dead, and that isn't right. I lost someone very important to me and I can't cry about it. I feel ashamed about it. Its just like I can't feel grief anymore. I'm afraid I will be a stone for the rest of my life.


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#139944 - 02/01/07 09:24 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
John,

I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#139947 - 02/01/07 09:39 PM Re: my father died [Re: Trish4850]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
John, I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't be so hard on yourself about grieving/not grieving. People grieve in different ways. It may take a while for it to sink in. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#139948 - 02/01/07 09:41 PM Re: my father died [Re: Trish4850]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 192
Loc: Europe-Belgium
thx Trish

And to correct the second sentence of this tread, I just posted some part of my csa-story, I was writing now, so I just did the other stuff also.


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#139969 - 02/01/07 11:24 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
John,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your father. As pointed out above, people grieve in such varied ways, and as abuse survivors our emotions are generally whacked out anyway. So give it time and just work through the process as it comes.

_________________________
Eddie

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#139970 - 02/01/07 11:24 PM Re: my father died [Re: john22]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
(Sorry, double post)



Edited by EGL (02/01/07 11:25 PM)
_________________________
Eddie

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#140004 - 02/02/07 09:15 AM Re: my father died [Re: EGL]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
hi John

We talked in chat, but I want to say again that I'm sorry for your loss.

And I want to say again that it isn't abnormal or weird or wrong, the way you feel now.
Not everyone goes into hysterics, or cries.
Maybe this will come later. Maybe in a day or a month or a year.
I bet you're still in shock phase, at least somewhat.
I know that I was for at least two weeks, when my mother died when I was 14. It was really unexpected, in a carcrash.
But every death is at least somewhat unexpected I guess. Like you said, 'I was sure he would live another week at least'.
Again, everyone griefs in a different way.

The pain won't ever go away, but it will get less prominent in every day life, eventually you don't think about it the whole day, there will come days you don't think about it at all, the pain wil lose it's 'sharp edges'.
The loss will always be there, but it will become bearable.

Don't be to hard on yourself okey?

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#140017 - 02/02/07 10:28 AM Re: my father died [Re: Stefan012]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
John I'm so sorry. I don't know if you were close to him bet I bet he's proud of the man you've become. I don't cry either, except when I see animals suffer or die, weird huh? Even if he was NOT close to you, it's still a big impact to know that your father is no longer around.


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#140042 - 02/02/07 02:16 PM Re: my father died *DELETED* [Re: Hauser]
jacobtk Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
Post deleted by jacobtk

_________________________
Every day I die again, and again Iím reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you canít defeat/Neither down nor out/Thereís nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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#140058 - 02/02/07 04:12 PM Re: my father died [Re: jacobtk]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
John, grief is not easy for any survivor, my dad died in agony, and believe me it was a relief to see his pain end.
It made me hugely bitter against one brother who fucked up his life, and I still feel bitter.

You do need to realise that he is out of his hurt now, and you will be thinking of all the things you meant to say and do.
Its hard to grieve, it really is, but he will become your friend who loved you,

ste


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