When I was 11 and in Boy Scouts, the Scout Master seemed so wonderful. He gave me the attention I missed at home. He treated me "special". That is until he until he began to use me for his sexual gratification. I was confused about it. I knew it was wrong. He warned me about telling. At one point, he threatened to shoot himself over it. He even "let me talk him out of suicide". I should have helped him instead of taking the pistol away. I know now he would not have done it, he did not have the courage. He was good at manipulation. He kept me seperae from the other boys. My parents trusted him so much they left him with us while they went on a trip somewhere. (yeah, I have anger with parents). My Mom even helped him with his job. Such manipulation!!! When I was in my early 20's, I bought a rifle and taught myself how to shoot it. I became very good at shooting that rifle. I was going to kill him and rid myself of that demon. I tracked him down, he was working at a home for abused boys. I am sure his abusive ways had not stopped. I called the home, trying to find him. They told me he had just left. I told them that was good, he was probably molesting boys at the schools. I got hung up on. Can you say "cover your ass"? I have decided I don't want him dead... I want him to live a very long life, a life filled with demons and nightmares. I hope he his haunted every moment he is alive.
Fast forward till this past summer. My second wife is leaving me. She told me "I had a hole in my soul". My first wife had left me years earlier and took my son with her. I was too violent and angry. I never hurt anyone, just blew up and screamed. And, I drank way too much. That started very early. I didn't know why I drank so much... just knew I had to. Second wife could not handle my anger, which always seemed to be directed a her. I didn't know why I was so angry at her. Why I felt such betrayal. No one acted as they should. No one could see that I was always right. I had to be. No one understood that I had to be "strong". Not even me. I did not understand that the reason I had to be strong was so that I would not be aken advantage of. No one did.
Again fast forward... to today. I am in T, beginning to understand why I can't trust anyone. (actually have spoken about the abuse with two close male friends... (very scary) and a few Gal Pals. (scary, but not as bad as trusting a man with my secret)
I have found a lot of support here and on other sites. I have found support from my older brother (who himmself was molested by a youth minister at our church). I still have a HUGE problem "god". You know the one that looks over sparrows? But I am healing.. finding my way. On occasion, I still drink too much. But I have lost my anger.. or at least redirected it where it needs to be. I hope my perp never runs into me, he will take the ass whipping of a lifetime. I hope he gets very upset and violent when I call him a pedophile. I am not 11 anymore. I am not scared anymore. I am not a little boy. That little boy has been lost, but the man he turned into will not tolerate abuse. He roots for the underdog. He has become a warrior of sorts.
I wish so much that this site (and others) were not needed. Please watch out for your children, keep them safe. It is not a stranger at the mall that will do them harm. Watch the people that are close to them.
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump